BM comment on me (SM): "She's not a parent... It's not her place"
This is just the gist of the long conversation my hubby had with his ex. The conversation began with talking about meeting for my stepson's doctor's appt. When he was born, he had a serious heart operation, so he goes for a yearly checkup. My hub wanted me to go b/c it is a very difficult day for him. This morning she mentioned over the phone that her parents wanted to come and she didn't want anyone else there b/c it's a private thing. My H planned for me to go and we drove together, so he was shocked... she also added "Well, she's not a parent. There has to be some boundaries." and then added "She's not a parent, she doesn't need to do things like volunteer at his school or go on field trips. I mean, she's welcome to come to his recitals... but not there has to be boundaries" He hung up and we discussed it.
***BACKGROUND: Together a year, living together 10 months, married for 6... SS is 6 yrs old, we're very close. Things have been relatively smooth with the ex.***
We first agreed that perhaps it was unnecessary for me to be present at the DR. visit. Not that it's so much private, as it is personal. He wants me there for his emotional comfort, maybe she is not comfortable with me around when she is emotional... she's single, so that's understandable. Their bond with their child is not something I always have to be a part of - my husband will always include me when it affects him, but that shouldn't have to be imposed on her. However, I was tiffed that she stated I am "not a parent" and proceeded to say I don't need to be a part of things like volunteering. When my H and I worked a pancake breakfast for my SS school, I offered my services to the chair of fundraising. I offered some marketing and artistic services b/c my H is very busy and doesn't really do his share of volunteering. This helps our family, the school and ultimately, my SS. It doesn't even affect my relationship with my SS b/c he's not apart of these fundraising functions... I'm not trying to replace her or compete with her. My guess is, she doesn't want the other parents or the school to see me as an equal - perhaps is threatened by it? It just seemed irrational. What are your thoughts?
And about the statement that I'm "not a parent"... no, but I am a stepparent. When my SS is at our house (my H has visitation, but we get him quite a bit, about 2-3 days per week), I am a caretaker. We act as a family, I play with him, cook for him, do his laundry, he helps me around the house... we all 3 do things together. For all intents and purposes, I am a parent when he is at our home. How can I sometimes turn that off? And should I? I would never try to take her position in any situation, but something that hurts no one - such as volunteering at school - shouldn't be a problem. I'm guessing this is just a hard adjustment for her... up til now, she's never made a single complaint about me. I know my SS talks about me all the time, and the things we do together so I'm sure it just gets on her nerves. I just wish she would be honest and admit that it's difficult, and we could reassure her that incorporating my relationship with my SS into our loves, will never affect her relationship. Mother and son, will always trump - there's nothing to worry about... I also want her to realize that my role is an important one. And that I get all the responsibility of a parent for a good portion of my life, so I should get some rights to. Not legal rights, but the right to do things that are rewarding... so I can feel like I'm being a good stepmom. Really, it's practically all the work for only a fraction of the reward. One day at a time 
This is a great quote from the intro to _The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life_:
"She is hearth and home, but she keeps to another mom's schedule. She is nurse and nurturer, but she is neither first nor favorite. However devoted she may be to her stepchildren, her embrace of them is interrupted by another mom's grasp."
My thoughts ...
With the volunteering at school thing I agree with you ... she doesn't want the others to know you. She probably realizes and knows that you are a nice person, and a good step mom, but she doesn't want others to know that. She doesn't want others to know that you do for her son, possibly what she isn't willing to take time and do herself. My SS is only 4, but I plan on being just as involved as you are when he is in school.
As for the "not a parent" you know you are and so does DH and SS and that's all that matters. BM's insecurities are just that insecurities. Continue on as you have and it is your DH's responsibility to say "I want her here." "She does parent SS when we have him." He needs to stand up for you ...
~ Katrina
Night terrors.
I woke up this morning with a start having dreamt that my BF's daughter had been at the pool and slipped falling onto her coxyx, paralysing her. My mother has always complained about having night terrors about my sister and I. I honestly didn't know what she felt. I am not certain that I do yet. I am not a BM. I worry for the welfare of my BF's daughter, and that level of fear/worry will increase as I know her longer and better. But until I have children of my own, there is no way for me to know wether I worry like a BM does.
You are very lucky that the BM has treated you with such regard. For her sake, and for that fact, remember that she is worried right now in a way that you MAY not be able to comprehend. When people are in a panic state like that, they are rarely able to operate with the best of manners. I am of the mindset that most BM's have selfish desires like OUR BM does, but that as ADULTS, they CONTROL them and behave with civility and responsibility. It is likely that your BM has had to subdue natural feelings of animosity or competition in the past, and by your estimation deserves commendation for a fine job!
I say let it pass this time.
That having been said, I have heard those types of comments so much and know just how painful it is. I think it is even more painful if you WANT to have children, but are for some reason prevented from doing so.
Just as you cannot understand what it is like to be her, she cannot understand what it is to be a stepmom. There will be misunderstandings, miscommunications and occasional bouts of temper.
Your BM needs however to be made aware that you have taken this child into your heart, and have concern for him. You have a valid reason for being at the Dr.'s appointment. You are ALSO the significant other of the BF and will stand there in support of him. That IS your role in this world, and she will have to accept that, easy or not.
I agree, I am lucky. I try
I agree, I am lucky. I try to make it clear when I post that I think she is easy going, and I am lucky she's not a psycho BM like some have to deal with. This particular post was very rant-y so I may have failed to give her some credit this time
Defining Parent
a father or mother; one who begets or one who gives birth to or nurtures and raises a child; a relative who plays the role of guardian
rear: bring up; "raise a family"; "bring up children"
Parenting comprises all the tasks involved in raising a child to an independent adult. Parenting begins even before the child is born or adopted and may last until the death of the parent or child. Parenting is a part of the relationship within a family.
Includes a natural parent, a guardian, or an individual acting as a parent in the absence of a parent or a guardian
The term ‘parent' means a parent, a guardian, a person acting in the place of the parent, such as a grandparent or stepparent with whom the student lives, a person who is legally responsible for the welfare of the student, or a surrogate parent who has been appointed in accordance with Policy 1513
Need I say more?
You can find this and more right here:
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rlz=1T4SUNA_en___US215&defl=en&q=defi...
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Exactly! And this woman is
Exactly! And this woman is the type to act "above the masses"... my DH's friends that knew her were surprised she spoke out about this... everyone thinks it's out of character for her. She would usually never act like someone is getting to her. Any idiot could realize I am a parent figure... she just isn't ready to admit it. And again... not a replacement, just an additional!
My thought on it...
If you're married... BM doesn't have a say in it because it's your HUSBAND that needed you- it's not her call. And if my DH wants me somewhere that is of such importance such as this, I put all my feeling aside and go regardless of who despises the idea. It's simply isn't BM's choice in the matter... she didn't marry you, DH did. Now, if you were casually dating, yeah, I'd understand that, but you're married now. You're a permanent 'fixture' in not only DH's life, but SS's.
The way I look at it is that the reason she says these things is because she is single, her ex moved on with you, and you are a part of his life. This is an emotional time, a time when she feels vulnerable and on top of that she has no control over her son's condition... hence the reason she felt the need to have or make some comments that elude to controlling something she THINKS she can control... you. So the comments were made out of fear, insecurity and frustration all directed to you because that is the only thing that she feels she has control over.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Yep. While I feel I had a
Yep. While I feel I had a right to go, and my DH had a right to have me there, I just let this one go.
Agree 100%
I agree 100% with StepMom ...
~ Katrina
"When she married you she married me"
That is what my DH EX feels. That I am married to her as well. That I have to put up with her crap. She hasn't realized that when "He divorced her , he Divorced her". I wish BM would understand that we are an important part of their childrens lives.
I agree with Stepmom as well...it is about their own insecurites, jealousies etc...and the only thing they can try to control is us and our homes. No luck here.
I wish they would realize that we too, have their childs best interests at heart. I often wonder, how would they feel if their child had to go through a second divorce. To have their new family torn apart and for their child to feel that sadness all over again. Do they really ever think about their actions and how it is affecting the children? Somehting tells me they don't.
OMG, my dh ex said same thing!
NCP should have rights too!
So I told dh, if I married her when I married you, then she is gonna hate being MY ex wife!!!!Dh ex has also referred to herself and ss on many, many occassions as Dh's FIRST FAMILY!!! I mean wtf, this isnt the White House or anything...I, my biokids, and DH son are DH's FAMILY period...no first, no seconds, no thirds...It is bm own insecuritites/jealousies that makes her try to insert herself into our marraige and lives like that, and as her EX WIFE, I just dont allow it! However, when it comes to my ss, I am a permenant fixture in his life along with my children( his brother and sister..no step's here) and through ss father, my dh,( as I act on dh's behalf when he can't be present ect.) we attend, assist and in general make ourselves a part of ss life, weather bm likes it or not.
Put The Foot Down
This is why you stop being around the ex and change the rules. Planning special occasions separately ect. Then you let dh know that you will not play by those rules any longer because he likes to have two women on the side. Our neighbor had a horrible dh who loved having his ex wife on the side, and everyone told him why his marriage was suffering. Of course he had every excuse in the book, but when his wife got pregnant it was a new ballgame and she set the new rules. Meaning there was going to be only one cook in the kitchen, and if he couldn't abide by that then he was out and he could pay her child support too. There's definately a difference when the 2nd marriage also produces children, a big difference because the dh has to make an effort to make the 2nd one work whereas a marriage without children he can sell the house and walk away for good. With children he's bound financially for 22 years. Yes a big difference I would say, and these men know it.
Yeah, we do an uncomfortable
Yeah, we do an uncomfortable amount of activities all together. For my DH though, he just wants to see his son as much as he can, and he's afraid to put his foot down to her b/c then she won't be as generous with the schedule. Luckily, he gets to see his son more than what's on paper. It is ALWAYS her rules. We keep to her schedule and change when she needs... yet she's not so flexible for us. I'm hoping if and when we have kids, a lot will change.
I understand excatly how you
I understand excatly how you feel hubby and I have been together a year and married for 1 month but I am never recongized as a part of sd life by her mother it is always can you or your parents meet me or what ever it is she needs done it is never could your wife meet me. She let him know a long time ago that if I ever pull im by myself to pick sd up she will just turn around and leave with her and not let me have her.WTF lets grow up and try to be adults here. She won't call our house because me or one of my boys might answer the phone. It is like she wants to pretend I don't exist. Well wake up I am here and not going any where. I am the one that washes her hair, and clothes when she is with us I am the one that takes care of her like she is my own. Why can't bio moms just relax and relize we are not trying to take there place and put the child first??
I even wrote her a letter to try and open the comunication but I got no reponse and that was months ago
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
Me too ...
OMG, ProudMom, it sounds like you and I are in exactly the same boat. I also wrote BM a long letter, about a month ago, and have received no response. She told DH she was going to repsond to my letter, but ...
BM is a bit more accepting of me than yours, but still ... it drives me nuts. One time I was picking up SS from daycare for DH and we kindly, out of no obligation, let BM know that I was picking up SS instead of DH. She said, "how about asking me if it's okay." DH and I did not go for that and fired back, "she is MY wife, if I ask her to pick up MY son during MY residential time, on MY behalf - she will. I do not have to ask your permission to have MY wife pick up MY son." No response.
Of course, I'm pretty much a bitch when it comes to BM. I don't take her crap nor do I let her walk all over DH, like she always tries to. I probably do way to much as the "moderator," but she wouldn't like the responses she got from my husband if I didn't clean up his emails or guide him in the conversation.
~ Katrina
I am not the moderator only
I am not the moderator only because she will only call him during the day when she knows that he is at work and I have never spoken to her. The only communication we have ever had was when her and hubby was having an argument and she was yelling so loud I could hear her across the room and this was on the phone, but she brought my boys up and that is when isaid enough was enough she wasn't involving my boys in her argument and she told him to tell his b*** to shut up I said a few choice words (don't remeber excatly) and told her she needed to be concerned about her daughter and not my boys. So to try and make things a little better I wrote her a letter during Christmas break and sent it home in SD suitcase but got now response. She never even mentioned it to hubby. Oh, well we just do things that have to be done how ever they have to be done. I even took Sd to school twice during the last month for the first time and nothing wwas said about me droping her off so maybe it will get better with time.
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
Proud Mom
The letter thing made me laugh..not really. But the exact thing happened to us. I had had enough of her shit...just had a miscarriage and lost my temper with her. I then wrote her an email stating how awful I felt and that I was wrong ...that was last August and not once has she made any mention of the letter or has she tried to make things better. In fact she has made them worse. Because of our argument she tells hubby that she is going to try to find ways to take his time away from him...he is fighting for 50%.
I thought I was the only one who had such a uncompassionate ex. I just think if someone extended a hand out to apologize to me I would accept because we are all humans and can say or do the wrong things sometimes.
Sorry you have one as well
Good Luck
I honestly think these women
I honestly think these women just want something to complain about, because I have done both...I have been really involved with sd and I have pulled myself out of situation completely no matter what you do they complain... they feel threatend not only with the parenting issue but in life...someone else is doing something they apparently failed at a relationship with dh...In my experience bm just wanted dh to be on her back burner she wanted to controll his life forever and once I came along she realized that she does not have that anymore, so she hates me for it she has never stopped to think that this could be way worst I could be a very difficult person to deal with if I wanted to, but I have always tried to respect the boundaries...being a biomom and a stepmom I am on both sides of the fence therefore I try very hard to play nice...and to be honest I am getting sick and damn tired of it...I have learned no matter what you do its not going to be the right way as, stepmothers we suck all around my thoughts are you think Im so bad maybe I should be the person you make me out to be and see just how much you like things then..
I couldn't agree more Live
I couldn't agree more
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
Amen Sister!!! ~ Katrina
Amen Sister!!!
~ Katrina
What is This BIG LOVE???
I am not married to the BB. If DH ever told me that I will break out my frying pan...EL KAABONGGGGGGG.
Girl don't let the BB make you feel like a second class citizen in your own home. Your home Your rules and you are raising them just like BF and BB. She is trying to make you feel inferior.
haha thanks She definitely
haha thanks
She definitely is trying to push me out of my role... but I feel pretty comfortable in it and my SS and I have developed an awesome relationship. At the end of the day, she will always fail b/c my SS cares for me a great deal.
your situation sounds
your situation sounds painfully familiar to me. i just tried to post you some encouragement a second ago, but i don't know where it went. i think you are on the right track, and doing exactly what you need to be doing. hopefully, it won't take years for you guys to get to that happy, rewarding place that you know will be yours. my stepson was 3 when i came into the picture, and i became almost immediately attached. anyway, i understand how it feels to not be taken seriously by the "real" parent and having to listen to the discussions about whether or not you might be competent and trustworthy since you don't have any children of your own. i felt that i was parenting with love from my heart, and my ego did not come into play. my stepson is not a status symbol to me. bm felt threatened by the the fact that i was doing all of the right things, and she felt the need to remind herself and everyone else of her "i gave birth" status. thats why my character was questioned, and i was left out of things that meant a lot to me. inside, i really do still feel hurt about the things that i have missed, and i know that there is not really anything that can be done to fix that. now that some time has passed, though, bm has become comfortable enough with me, i think, and understands that i'm not trying to take her place in her son's life. i still deal with irritations from her that feel like she is trying to undermine me, or to cut my time with him short. i'm pretty sure she doesn't like me, but she does recognise that her baby loves me, and that i have been a positive force in his life (he just turned 7 btw). she just needed sometime to get over herself and realise what is really important to her. children can never have too many people who love them.
Posted on your other already
I read this one after your last post... read them backwards. But when I read that about the doctor I had to add.... I have NEVER missed a doctors appointment, checkup, nothing. When SD was in hospital for pneumonia I didn't leave her side. I sat outside her room crying because of the tubes and the way she looked. When she had to have dental work on an outpatient hopsital visit, I am the one who stayed in the waitig room while mom kept leaving to smoke cigarettes. Every week when she has to go the counseling, I am the one there discussing everything, I am the one taking her to the psychiatrist deciding the next treatment steps. I got really pissed when I read your post because BM is being very selfish. I would never allow the BM to control how I parented. Nor would I ever step back from important things for the sake of making an adult feel more comfortable. Times like those are when kids need all of us.
I think it's just a very
I think it's just a very emotional issue to deal with a child in the hospital, even just for a checkup. I would give her some space on that particular issue - maybe wait somewhere nearby for your husband to be done and then meet up with him right away for the hugs, shoulder to cry on, or whatever he needs for support.
When it comes to volunteering at school, as a BM myself who dealt with this issue, I did feel it was inappropriate for my XH's fiancee to join the PTO, but only because I am an active volunteer. If I wasn't doing it, I would be more than happy for her to volunteer - and if she wanted to volunteer in another capacity, like in a classroom or something like that, I think that would be wonderful. But we aren't friends (maybe someday we will all get along better, I hope so) and it made it very uncomfortable for me to be there as a volunteer if she was there as well.
Just keep those things in mind. She does have a right to "first pick" so-to-speak when it comes to her kids, but that doesn't mean you are not a parent in their lives. You aren't their mom - but you are a parent - by choice.