When my husband and I first went to court w/his ex, we wanted receipts for all of the money we were giving her so we knew it was going towrds SS and not for her own self indulgence...well, our lawyer told us it didn't matter what she spent it on. The courts were more concerned w/the non custodial parent contributing than where the money was actually going. They said unless it is a concern for neglect, then it's not an issue. BS? ABSOLUTELY.

I have never received a penny of the child support owed to me, so I don't know what it spent on.. haha. I know that the attorney told my ex the same thing as mentioned above. It doesn't matter what it is spent on. If the kids are going without nesessary items, then I would consider going to court and getting a court order to have BM purchase needed items.

Child support is supposed to go for the care of the kids: rent, food, clothes, etc. However, there is no way to proove that, that is where it is going.

Logic would deduce that CSP should go to buying clothes, and since you pay CSP you shouldn't have to buy another set of clothes for your house. Unfortunately, there is NOTHING that says BM has to send kids with clothes.

We are in the same situation. BM gets about $1000 per month and SS dresses in warm up pants and BB's BF's Kid's old t-shirts that are 2 & 3 sizes too big for SS. Against my DH wishes, I went out and bought SS $50 worth of summer clothes to send home with him. He likes to dress nice (like his daddy), and we showed him all the new clothes to get him excited about wearing them, and told him "they are for you to take to mommy's house, and for you to wear to school. It's important to look nice when you go to school."

We went through months of BB playign games, sending clothes, not sending clothes. In July last year we went to Western Washington, which is like the dessert (110 there last Thursday), and she only sent SS long pants, and long sleeved shirts. Another time she sent one pair of underware and NO SOCKS for an entire weekend. His clothes always smell moldy, she never uses bleach, and we just finally decided we didn't want to run around town with our kid looking like trash ... so we bought him clothes to keep her. Just bit the bullet. We even have to get his hair cut (she hasn't done it in over a year, even when we let it go, and go, and go), we also have had to buy him his last 2 pairs of tennis shoes.

I know its frustrating, but the way I put it to my DH when I bought the clothes ... I did it because I love my SS. I didn't do it to help her out. I told him ever 3-months or so I am going to spend extra money on SS' clothes so he can dress nicely to school. I'd rather go without myself and make sure he has what he needs ... BB is ungrateful, and I know we won't get a thank you for the clothes - she'll proably be offended.

So, I guess you just have to pick your battles, and I'd leave this one alone ... do what you can (in addition) and help the kids.

~ Katrina

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
It wasnt two months ago that my dh was on phone talking to ss and bm got on line( a habitual habit of hers up until her getting served, now we dont hear anything from her.) anyway she told dh how she was going to get her a breast augmentation( for larger boobs) this summer. Dh got off the phone and first laughed, "as if bigger boobs is gonna make her attractive". Then he said it was nice to know what his child support payments were being utelized for. Not now though..bm has to use her boob money( aka..child support payments) to retain a lawyer..Ha, Ha, Ha,!!!!!!

The CS issue will never really be fair, and that's because the custodial parent does not have to actually produce his/her share of the monthly maintenance. When the CS is calculated, each parent is given an amount that, according to the financials, s/he is to contribute for raising the child. But since only the NCP has to actually fork that money over, the CP never physically needs to produce one cent.

Now, logic says that unless the CS is astronimically high and capable of covering EVERY cost, including 100% of housing, food, daycare, etc., the CP is obviously contributing something. But, again, it's never seen. So to the NCP and the NCP's family, it just seems like s/he is shouldering all of the responsibility. This, to me, was and is what bothered me about our situation. BB was constantly taking EX back to court for more money, citing one excuse or another. It never made any sense...she got married and moved into her husband's house which is totally paid for. So, they have no mortgage payment. WE covered medical for SS, and paid $800/mo in other CS. She claimed to be "injured" and had to have her hours cut and she got an increase. A month later we find out she's pregnant. Now, she wants to totally stop working and she just filed for another increase. She point blank told EX that she will say whatever she has to in order to get it, even feign the same injury to get the doctor to write up another note for her. It's really sad that these women think that their kids' fathers are akin to Win for Life.

It would be nice if the courts could somehow figure out how much it actually costs to raise a child, rather than use strictly salaries to figure it out. Anything over the median should be optional. A kid won't suffer because he goes to public school rather than private.

Of course, I am on the other side of the fence as well because I am also a BM and now I'm a single one. My DD's BF live in London and he doesn't see DD much. I filed for CS in Oct. 2005 and just last month received my backpay check. I have yet to receive the monthly payments. The backpay was for a lot of money and I'm sure BF feels there is no hurry to begin the monthly payments. Incidentally, BF NETs, not grosses, NETs $90K a year, and has no family. The support was set at $800/mo, which is a JOKE--IF it's based on the salary, which it wasn't. I could easily go back to court and fight for more...but I won't. I have a degree and a job and I will take what he gives me and make it work. But I'll be damned if I will provide receipts, or answer questions about how I spend that money. My rent alone is over $1000/mo, and I have a car payment, utilities, full-time daycare costs in addition to everything else I pay for for us to live. Yet, BF is off in Europe living the high life. Whatever, that's the way it goes.

Sorry, this turned into a ramble...but I guess I just wanted to point out that there are always two sides, you know?

In our case BM sends her daughter over in clothes that are 2 sizes too small for her and she send her son over in clothes that are about 3 sizes to big for him.

She does wash the clothes most of the time. I used to wash all of the kids clothes before sending them back home but now I leave them dirty and stinky so she can deal with it when she gets them back. For a while she sent them w/ dirty clothes (about twice) and we washed them before the kids wore them but sent them back dirty. I figure, we buy the kids food - pick them up, etc. it's the least she can do.

BF & I also used to buy a lot of clothes for the kids / never to see them again. From what SD tells me she uses the clothes we bought her for school. And it's funny about 2 weeks ago I was going through some clothes that my son has outgrown. He's 12 years old and wears Adult Large because he is soooo tall. I originally bought Adult Small in Dec. & they fit for like a week but then the growth spurt happened so I have given SD all of his hand-me-downs. They are Ecko, Aeropostle, American Eagle, Old Navy etc. & I was going to sell them at a garage sale but then asked SD if she wanted them. She was sooo excited. I thought for sure her mom would toss all of them, especially since they are boy's hand-me-downs but SD wears them all of the time and is happy. So, I guess when she doesn't have any clothes to wear she can just borrow some of my sons.

Also, the SKIDS BM gets $155.00 per wk. which is nice for 2 kids but all she does is PARTY, DRINK & SMOKE... The living conditions are NASTY... But as much as I complain to BF and to her - It's her decision how she spends the money.

And like a lot of you I am also on the other end "A mother who gets Child Support" about $350.00 a month and I will admit "I BLOW IT" because I make enough as it is and heck I did it all on my own for almost 10 years so I am used to not getting it.

And the only reason I am getting it, is because I did it on my own and went against child support. And if any of you ladies want to know how to get money from a non-working deadbeat please PM me and I will help you any way that I can. Or I will just post it on a blog. But anyways. Talk to everyone later.

Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.

BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.

Yes, it is frustrating to see hard earned money NOT go to the kid/s that it should do. My partners EW keep bleeting about not having enough money and he pays her $20K (aust) p.a. so she can keep bludging off him and the government instead of getting off her fat arse and working herself.

And, I pay child support for my son who primarily lives with my EH, so my EH can also sit on his arse and be a professional student instead of working - which he is perfectly qualified and capable of doing. And I am still supporting our daughter, although 18 now, she is in full time University studies. EH never gave me a cent for years towards her, just took money from me for our son.

Just keep smiling......................

Also remember though that what a child "needs" is relative to each parent's opinion. To the father, the child might need nicer, better-fitting clothes. To the mother, the child might need money for school trips or a pet and the cost that comes with one. It's very easy to look at child and say that the only expenses are daycare, food, and clothing, but there are also the incidentals--toiletries, gas for the car to cart the kid around, entertainmnet, etc. Sometimes, I would look at SS and wonder how the hell he is in such tiny, ill-fitting clothing, and yet she would bitch to EX that our clothing for SS was much too large.

Since it's really out of your control, the best thing to do is buy the kids clothes and make sure they stay at your house. Send them home in what they came over in once it's been washed and never let the new stuff leave your home. Yes, it's petty, but if that's the problem then the solution is simple. Once the kids get older, they need to learn to eb responsible for their own things. If they lose clothing or ruin it, they can get a job or use allowance to replace it.

I have to laugh because I am considering getting a boob job next year too. I will be paying for it on my own, but it doesn't mean that BF has A N Y right in the world to complain. I am raising HIS child 100% of the time and just because I find a little extra to spend on ME, a VERY rare occurence, doesn't mean that should assume his money goes to my new tits. No, his money will go to his child, and MY money, what is left after I cover all the expenses for her, will go to ME. I don't get the attitude that flies whenever the custodial parent shows up with a new car or new clothes--"I see what my money really went to." Why would the NCP automatically assume that the money went to the new things? Does the NCP ever spend HIS money on himself or his family? Of course. So why shouldn't the CP do the same?? Just because I can afford an extra doesn't mean that the BF gets off the hook. Isn't HE having a life outside of his CS payments too? Why should every cent I have go to our child just so HE can spend his own GIANT income on himself? I am a good, responsible person and mother, but I am no martyr. Having extra (short of winning F YOU money) doesn't mean that I will allow BF to stop his payments. I will seek it and take it because that is what's right and what's fair.

Yes, it's WRONG for the CP to think that CS should replace his/her own income, or that s/he should seek an increase to support a lifestyle that s/he cannot otherwise afford. The bottom line is that TWO parents are responsible, and whether or not the CP is well-off or is on welfare, the NCP should be contributing, period.

My SS knows that CS is not spent on him. It goes to her gas, drinking and smoking, or rent. It's like she uses it for alimony! They were never married! She once called DH freaking out b/c she was going to get evicted(at the end of the month mind you) yelling where is MY CS? She has never had to work hard for money a day in her life (barmaid)and chastizes me b/c I am a stay at home mom. If I got off my ass and got a job she would have more money, as she puts it. Too bad my children are my job-so she can't shake me down for extra cash. I told her that extra $ won't help her become a more responsible parent anyway. I seriously thought that CS was to be spent on child's expenses, not her own. When SS comes over, his clothes are seldom weather appropriate. Alot of them I just started keeping at our house b/c they fit my 6 yr old. He's 11! We would gladly keep paying her CS just to have custody- money well spent just to know that the boy is in better and more responsible hands.
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha

Crayon, perhaps the life that BM has is only feasible because her boyfriend is affording her those things? Not making excuses, but it might make you feel better to know that it's not only DH that pays for things? If he does...yes, that's totally wrong and sad.

I don't want to get into a pissing contest about CS. I don't think getting CS automatically makes a parent less hard-working.

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
And I work my butt off as well.I also recieve c.s at a mere 350.00 a month for one child, and have yet to take my ex back for an increase or turned it over to Child Support Enforcement even though at the amount my ex is to pay, he is still behind. Yet I stand here today providing not only for my son but assisting my 19 year old daughter who just started college and am so proud to say I am doing this on my own. However,Let me clarify that my comment about the boob job was made because I KNOW that bm is using c.s to pay for this as I know what bm does for a living and she doesnt make the kind of money to support her spending expenditures,pay for her high life style,her vacations out to California(she lives in Fl.) her boob job and pay back the 65,000 dollars in credit card debt she ran up while married to dh(thank the good Lord her credit cards were hers alone.)Bm's income probably covers her rent,utilities and car payment and that is I am sure still with the assistance of my dh's payments to her.I also know that my dh pays an exorbitant amount of childsupport per month to her and as I am sure a good portion is indeed used for his son(in regards to the home, bills, groceries ect, the rest is her play money. As a bm, I agree, does our bm need to give a crap what we think or what we feel or we see about in regards to where the c.s is being spent? No! Not if they are truly one of those bm's whose personally earned income is what affords them the extra's in life as you have stated yours does, as well as I am bm whose earned income does as well.However,as a sm do I and dh have a right to speak our piece when we see the obvious..Absolutley! As a bm, I can tell everyone here right now, I would have no problem at all accounting to the courts when ever they deemed necessary, where my c.s is spent,as I KNOW that every dime of c.s is used for my son alone. Also, this would work to the benefit of alot of children, as the amount of money spent raising them in some cases exceeds what the courts have ordered the NCP to pay.Thus it would show the courts where an increase is not being sought for personal reason's but is indeed for the child/children. My opinion is that at least every 6 months the courts should have the ability to order a review of childsupport expenditures in relation to the childsupport being paid. These expenditures should include housing, utilities,groceries, clothing, transportation,education, and required physician appoinments/treatments. These are the things that are to be shared expenses by the parents only. Vacations, jewlery, boob jobs, butt jobs...hell full body jobs, toys(for bm or child), entertainment, ect are NOT the NCP responsibility. I commend you Krissy on paying your own way, as I know how it goes, but for the CP'S that use the court system and use the NCP income for their own personal wants and needs,there must be a way that they are held accountable....just my opinion.

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
It doesnt matter who the CP is or who the NCP is, the whole point that I was trying to make is that in ALL regards, there should be some way the courts should evaluate the expenditures made by the CP in regards to the child/children in relation to what is being paid by the NCP. As some NCP'S are paying above and beyond what is needed to raise a child, and some are not paying near enough as is your case most definitly. And yes, the courts are very pro bm, however, in my case, my ex has written off our children, he desires no contact with them, does not attempt to see them, has never sent a birthday card, christmas presents, never call's ect. The only way I know he is even alive is the occassional deposit of whopping 350.00 a month, like that even touches raising 1 child(non the less 3 children as in your case).But it is because of his disappearing act that I DO NOT seek more c.s in court, my children and I prefer it this way.

See, the problem that I have with giving receipts is this--who will decide what is an "acceptable" use of the child maintenance? The court? The NCP? A panel of lawmakers who don't have any children and have no idea what it takes to raise a child? There are too many gray areas. At some point, I will be making more money, perhaps marry again. I would love to take that money from BF and put every penny into an account for her future. So, I'd basically have nothing but a bank statement. Does that mean a court would decide that I don't need it since I didn't spend it? Do I have to provide receipts from the grocery store and highlight the items that are for DD? Pull apart my utility and rent bills so that a portion gets paid by the CS? There is just no way for the court or any of its agencies to track the usage.

Not to mention that it's none of the NCP's business what the CP does with the CS, frankly. Although I felt that the CS he paid was too high when I was still with EX it was largely because BB was lying about not being able to work and that jacked up our cost since PA uses the shared income model. But I never wanted to know nor cared what she did with the money because it was hers to spend. If she chose to spend it unwisely, well, that's a shame. But she was entitled to it as the CP, period, end of story. Until the judge changes the amount, or she is found to be lying about her circumstances, there's nothing that can be done. Just because CP is irresponsible does not mean that the NCP's responsibility is suddenly lifted.

I agree with Stamina...it's really just not worth getting upset about. I spent many nights crying and bitching about CS among other things during my marriage and I know now that it wasn't advantageous to me or anyone else. It just made me more bitter and stressed and I carried that around with me all day. Maybe it's just that, for me, hindsight is 20/20.