How do I handle my fiancee's ex wife who keeps trying to come to our wedding even when told NO?
I am about to re-marry this year and my fiancee's ex wife has been pestering him to get permission to attend our wedding and holiday in Fiji. He, of couse, said absolutley No way. But that did not stop her. She waited a few months and then contacted his father to try to convince him that she should go to the wedding with him (my fiancee did not know she did this). Am I dealing with a lonely, stupid woman? or is she hell bent to trying to wreck our happy day? We are taking our four kids (2 bio each to previous partners) with us. She has also been bleeting to my fiancee's mum that she should not have left the marriage (which ended 6 years ago). Is this a case of I have what she used to and she wants it back? I cannot believe she thinks this is normal behaviour, wanting to come to her ex husbands wedding to another woman. I am very angry and not sure how to proceed with dealing with her. My fiancee has again told her she is not welcome, but I don't trust that she will stop here. Any advice?
What is she thinking??
Ugh! I'm frustrated for you! I think at this point, since she's obviously trying tirelessly to exhaust every route she can possibly think of to get herself there, even after being told 'no' multiple times, that on your wedding day, advise whomever it is that will be ushering or however you're doing it, that she is NOT allowed to come inside. Maybe even getting the police involved? I know, it's not something you want to have to deal w/on your happy day, but exes have a way of ruining happy times/memories, and my advise is to not give her the chance! Maybe advise her that you're going to have a policeman at the chapel (where ever) and if she is seen on the premises she will be escorted by to her vehicle. Maybe that's going to an extreme, but your happy day is for YOU, and I would take all precautions necessary to ensure your happy day is a HAPPY day.
!e
Fiji does have burly blokes!
Hi StepMomma, since there are many burly blokes in Fiji, I can organise someone to be watching for the crazy ex wife hiding behind a tree or arriving in a canoo! (LOL). Thanks for advice.
IT SUCKS!
To have to worry about BM in these dates:
a) Wedding Date
b) Birth of your child...
Special usher
Assign your biggest, burliest, most menacing friend to be a "special" usher or doorman and then if she shows up, he can escort her away. If she won't leave, he can call the police and have her removed without her ever making it near the actual service.
~ Anne ~
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot
Guido
Get one named Guido from Jersey......Bada Bing!!!!
Of course she wants your fiancee back
De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
Whe else would she make such a comment to the former in laws. As for your wedding, I would personally inform the ex that not only will there be someone there looking out for her so as to remove her immediatly, but further you WILL file harrassment and stalking charges agiants her should she show up.This IS your legal right and it should be utelized as a last resort, but to make this very clear and to have evidence of the fact, put this in writing and mail it to her by certified mail(so as to have her signiture for having recieved it).Of course send her the original and make a copy to keep for yourself, attaching the return reciept( that shows she recieved the letter and when she recieved it) to the copy you hold. Then should you need to file the charges, you will have a written copy, showing the ex recieved it PRIOR to wedding and did not adhere...thus showing EVIDENCE of the harrassment and stalking charge. Good luck and congrats on your upcoming nuptials.
She wants him!
I agree w/eveyone...u should have someone there especially 4 her. I wouldn't let the kids see him out her out...but she shouldn't attend...she is not there in support of your union....she would just give bad energy....besides its your day, not hers .....tell her that.....anyone who doesn't support your union should not attend.....she's going 2 be trouble don't start off by giving in 2 her demands...I've been there....lots of luck and congrats....:))
Thanks for all your comments...and then there's the future.....
I guess I have to accept that although she has alwasy been sweeter than pie tome face to face, she really has the knife out for me n cannot be trusted at all.
It would be very traumatic for all the kids if she did get her way there and make a scene. But like I said to StepMomma, Fiji is full of big burly men who can carry a crazy woman away if necessary. I really hope it does not come to that.
The next question is how to deal with her in everyday life once I am married to her ex? At the moment I want nothing to do with her beacuse I am so angry, and, I also have to think of her children and how they will deal with their step mum and bio mum not liking or talking to eachother. Any experience with this scenario?
The best advice I have on
The best advice I have on your relationship with her going forward is that if it is going to be hostile and contentious, then just don't have anything to do with her. It's not our job to arrange visitation, discuss CS payments or any of that. As stepmoms, we aren't the ones who impregnated her. We don't HAVE to deal with her AT ALL. How much contact we have with her can be as much or as little as WE feel comfortable with. So if she calls on the phone, she talks to DH, not you. If she sends an email, DH responds to her, not you. He handles anything and everything BM-related. My DH's ex cannot stand it when I have anything to say/do/think/feel about HER children. I tried to reach out to her in the beginning to let her know she didn't need to feel threatened, that I wasn't going to try to take her place, that I wanted us to be on good terms, etc. She took the olive branch I offered and beat me over the head with it. Repeatedly. So the best thing for me to do was totally disengage and it was the best decision I ever made. I have a relationship with the skids, but not their mother. DH deals with her. It's not fun for him, but that's his problem. It's his responsibility as the father of the children to deal with her. It's not mine.
~ Anne ~
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot
I am With Anne on This
The olive branch DH extended has turned into a huge court battle. No more branches here. If you give my skids BM an inch she will take a mile. My skids BB is hateful and manipulative. The one phone conversation she had with me she made sure to try to tell me what my place is with her children. She can kiss my butt because I know what my place is in my own home. She doesn't dictate a thing I do. I don't have anything to do with her.
Amen to that...
not much more I can say about this topic... except, have you considered eloping!?!?! LOL...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
honestly going forward, try
honestly going forward, try to be happy...kill them with kindness and dont even think about that trainwrek of a person is going to do next. Know that you do a good job and that you love and support her children. It might only aggrivate her that your living the life that she screwed up and might back off or retailliate...either way show nothing but love in front of those children, b/c kids will hate you as soon as they hear you diss their mom. Show them love and when the ex starts shooting her mouth off theres gonna be a day when those kids say"shes not like that she loves us" Its all that you can do. Your never going to get that woman out of your life, take it from me Im living next door to the house that used to be theirs, I have a child with my fiance and we both share children from our previous relationships and I love all my kids. And everytime i see my SS run out of a crowd to come give me a hug I know that it bothers her that one day her son is going to figure out what a mess she is and understand why his dad and I did what we did. I wish you alot of patience and understanding because your gonna need it more than luck.
I agree with Anne.
The best way to deal with her is to have as little to do with her as possible. Once you get married, I predict that she will stop acting sweet as pie to your face. Lots of people on here (me included) have had the experience that once you get married, BM kicks her nuttiness into overdrive and starts attacking you more than she did before.
I made the mistake of trying to help DH out by helping with the scheduling stuff -- like emailing BM for him when there were calendar changes to be made, etc. For a month or so it seemed to work, but then she started pulling the passive-aggressive bipolar sh*t on me that she always has with him. Well, I do not share children with her, so I didn't feel any qualms about letting her have it with both barrels (I know from one of my SDs that the email I sent her in response to her crap made her cry }:) }:) }:) -- though luckily, SD didn't realize it was my email when she told me about it). So, since then, we have had essentially no contact except when we happen to be in the same place. And then, since there are people around, she is capable of being cordial, because she's all about the performance of being the long-suffering martyr mom. At any rate, life is better for everyone since we stopped communicating.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Ah Lisa ...
That's what this webpage is all about. Most of us cannot stand BM, and most of us have all kinds of problems with BM. You can only take them one at a time, and remember what affects your actions will have on kids ... just hope that she isn't as problematic as some of the BMs we have to deal with ... good luck, and happy wedding day ...
~ Katrina
Our ex wanted to come too...
I couldn't believe it when my DH told me his ex wanted to come to the wedding (After all, HER children are in it!!)I am sure he was just feeling me out and would have let her...(gotta make the ex happy if you are a "people pleaser and a divorced guilt ridden father".) Believe me, if looks could kill, he would have been dead. I said, Are you out of your mind??? NO way. I wouldn't even let him bring her the pictures...but then I HAD to send one cause it was part of my thank yous and of course She sent a Gift!!!! Yes, I hope you are preparing to receive a gift....I am friendly but not friends..and yes, there's always a motive. This ex just still wants him in her family..if she has to accept me too, then she will. Very sad...that they can't cut the ties. Good Luck!!!!
Thanks for all your comments and advice...
I am so glad to hear that there are so many other step mothers who have big problems with their man's ex wife. Why can't these girls just move on with their lives? They only make themselves unhappy while making us unhappy too. Maybe they actually LIKE being the 'poor me'/'victim' etc. Which is strange, since my partners ex left him.
BM has also started bleeting about not having any money just this week. My partner pays her A FORTUNE in child support, but that is not enough and she is too lazy to get off her ever expanding butt and get a proper job.
I feel better for saying that
And some more advice
I don't see this one being mentioned, but UNFORTUNTALY I had to learn the HARD WAY. You future mother-in law,father-in law, or any other in law, who is comminicating with the EX, will inadvertnely inform the EX of information that they HAVE NO BUSINESS knowing. But for whatever reason in the In LAWS MIND what they are doing is INNOCENT! I don't get it and no one in my opinion with 2 beans of cents would think that someone who USED to be a couple would even WANT TO HEAR about and use the infomation that they are attaining FOR GOOD. BUT for some reason, In LAWS posses this ability. What I am trying to say the long way, is LIMIT your information to the in laws. I am assuming you did not send the EX an invitation, so the details of your wedding SHE does not know. FIJI is a big enough island that she will have one hard time FINDING YOU 2. AND you can always be registered under an assumed name, WE did. AND we only informed our guests WHO would be attending the wedding (in our opinion if you weren't going to attend, why do you need to know every detail, INCLUDING future in laws. BUT we only informed guests who would be attending explicit details the week of the wedding, and it was via phone calls, NO Paper trails, no emails that could be forwarded. Unfortunatly sweetheart if you want your day protected YOU'RE going to have to think LIKE a NUT and CRAZY person, and think of every avenue that she is gathering her information and CEASE feeding the MOLE the information to spread, OR spread the MOLE complete LIES, whichever is better for you.
Good Luck!
The Green Eyed Monster!!!! AKA JEALOUSY!!!!!
Jealousy - "the green eyed monster" - is not one basic emotion, but a compound of many-grief, love, anger, greed, hatred and envy.
I sure did not invite her!
Hey still looking, thanks for the in law low down. We did not invite the crazy EW, that's for sure. As far as I know she knows nothing of the actual details of our wedding and where we are staying in Fiji, although I expect she will demand them from my fiancee so she can 'know where her kids are at all times'.
She is flat broke too. So unless someone pays for her to get there, she will have to paddle a canoo! My new in laws know I hate her now and there is no way we want her involved. She has been told, again, that she is not welcome.
OOOooooh you poor poor girl,
OOOooooh you poor poor girl, you know I have lived in your position time and time again. The psyco that is my fiances ex wife showed up at funerals, parites and wanted to even come to the hospital when our son was born. You will never never be able to get rid of this person until they find someone of thier own...pray for that day and then they will not have your fiance on their mind. Heed the warning though, it never stops. Some way or another that woman is going to make her presence known at your weddingand anything else she can to say that she was his first. You are better off changing the location and not telling her and make sure that your husband to be's family is aware of your wishes for her to not attend.
Good Luck!
Our BM
also wanted to come to our wedding. In fact, she expected DH to ask her to be his "best man." (I know, right???) And this, after she had been absolutely HORRIBLE to me and us while my mom was dying. She was actually shocked and enraged that DH decided afterward that we didn't want her ruining our day. Needless to say, she did not take it gracefully!
I have another friend whose DH's ex was such a nutcase (reminds me of the one in your life) that they hired an off-duty policeman to stand watch in their front yard for their entire wedding and reception (they got married at their home). Something like that seems like it's the best solution. Though that could be tricky with the kids involved, they don't need to know why the person is there standing guard (you could probably ask the hotel to provide security).
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Very nicely tell your
Very nicely tell your father-in-law or anyone else who tries to bring her that if they do, they will NOT be allowed at the wedding either...period. Holly cow! What is wrong with these women?
We invited BM to our wedding
We invited BM to our wedding. SD was a big part of it (she had one of our beautiful dresses). SD walked her father down the aisle. She stood by the officiant / preacher while giving us our vows. And when we turned back to walk back down the aisle... we were pronounced the "DH" Family... instead of just Mr. and Mrs. I was okay with all of that. During rehearsal, our preacher suggested that SD walk between DH and I back down aisle after our vows and I said a big fat NO to that. I married DH for life. I wanted our first walk to be US holding hands. So coming back down after our vows, it was DH, me in the middle, SD.
Anyway, we did invite BM to the wedding so she could see her daughter all dressed up and in her first wedding. I talked to her, introduced her to my mom and sister, I think.
We told her she could stay for the service, but could not stay for the reception. We were worried she wouldn't leave though!!!
I felt more bad for her than anything. I cannot imagine what it must have felt like to watch her ex-H get married to another woman. But to be honest, it's her own fault she lost him. And I"m not sure our BM got it. I think you are right about your BM Lisa Frances. I think she may be mourning.
ALSO LISA FRANCES - I don't think your BM is capable of acting normal for a day. She has already proved it by going to all of DH family members. I think she wants to go for the trip and to just play the "victim" to all of his family. (As I'm sure our BM did). Just tell her no. And let the resort or where ever you are getting married that you do not want her at your wedding (in case she tries to crash). And like all the others said, get someone to be a good lookout for you. Another tactic you could try is to see if anyone that knows her and knows her friends can try to get someone to check in on her those days, or ask her to do something at home during that time to distract her, help her through this. Does that make sense? Does your DH know anyone he could reach out to and say "Hey.. BM is having a hard time with this, and understandably so. But it's not good for her to go. Can you help her out by just taking her out or distracting her"?? Does DH have a good enough relationship with anyone that it wouldn't backfire on him?
Fiance and I are getting
Fiance and I are getting married Nov. 2010 and I've already arranged to have one of my brother's friends be at our wedding(bro is a police officer) because I don't trust BM!! Every chance she gets, she pumps the kids for info....what did so and so get for his birthday from us, or what did we do over the weekend, hell she even gets as nosy as asking the kids what they had for dinner on whatever night she decides to call(we've got full physical custody) and "Biatch, it's none of your business!!!!!!!!!" Being the little kids that they are(innocent) and not knowing NOT to say stuff to "mom" they usually end up telling her EVERYTHING so she always knows what we're out doing or what we got them etc. We're NOT inviting her but I'm sure she'll ask the kids where its at etc., so just in case....undercover police officer knows to look for the woman with the short neon yellow hair!
My advise is to either make police aware(if possible) or do get somebody that you trust to take care of those "wedding crashers" but make sure he's a BIG man!!!!
What a loser. WTF? I'd get
What a loser. WTF? I'd get everyone you know together (especially family and people attending your wedding) and tell them that she is not welcome and to not speak to her on the subject. They are not to disclose where in Fiji you are going. This is utter b.s that you should not have to deal with.
BTW, congrats on your upcoming nuptuals. Fiji is a great choice.