My adult stepson and 9 year old daughter cont.-
I feel this situation is putting so much stress in my marriage, yesterday my husband and i went out for ice cream with the baby and when we came back his son was in our room playing in the computer (i talk to my little girl and my family for about 20 minutes everyday at the same time), before he used to ask for permission to use it, but he feels i guess more free to just do whatever everytime, anyway can you believe that i almost had to fight off the mouse from him to check if my family was online, because he wouldn-t give it to me?(and this was in OUR ROOM, he was in OUR ROOM!!!) i ended up having to scream at him for him to give it to me, he is afraid of his father, so everytime i get "louder" than what he would want, he gives up so his father doesn-t fight, and because of this he ends up most of the times doing things to get me or bother me behind his father-s back, he gets angry when i don-t cook for him because he feels i should... he actually even complains to his father about it, he is the most inconsiderate person i-ve ever met, it makes me so angry how little consideration he has for his father, the other day he acused him of not paying enough attention to him because of the baby and me...please, this is a 24 year old man!! and on top of all that wasn-t true, we are always inviting him to go places with us when we go out, he is the one that refuses all the time!!
He is a liar and he-s done things and said lies in front of me that just make me not trust him at all, i had the conversation again with my husband about my little girl, he seems more open about it and i guess understands my feelings, i know now he is just torn between his son and the rest of us ( our baby, my daughter and me) i feel so bad because my husband has been like a father to my 9 year old girl and i feel bad that i have this bad relationship with his son, but he is just not a good person, i don-t trust him and i hate the way he treats his father and how inconsiderate he is to him.
So...
When are you telling him to move out?
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
I finally asked him....
Well, yesterday i told my husband "you need to push your son into getting his own place".... and this is how it went, he told him that he needed to pick up his room because my daughter was comming this next month, his son started complaining about how he didn-t have enough money yet saved to move out, bla bla bla, and then my husband kind of backed off and told him "no no, i am just saying so she doesn-t see your room like that..." then when he thought i wasn-t there he told him " you know i told you, in july"... this month agreement has been behind my back of course, and i guess my husband decided by himself that my little girl, the baby and i will sleep in the same room until his son "saves enough money" to actually move out... and i am sure that after my daughter is here he won-t want to leave and i am also sure that he will start having work problems so his father doesn-t throw him out... (because he-s done it before when he thought the time was coming closer, he started talking about the posibility of him loosing his job) so it wouldn-t surprise me if after my daughter got here he pulls the same thing... i might just stay in my country when we go back to pick up my daughter because i am really through with this, it seems that no matter what i say or i do my husband doesn-t listen... so he can stay and "re-raise" his 24 year old son while i take his 8 month old baby back home.
What a crappy situation.
I hate this for you, I really do. I understand loyalty. I'm loyal to the bone. I'd do anything for my kids. But at 24, Dad really isn't helping him, he's just hurting him because he's not making him stand on his own two feet. What happens if Dad gets hit by a bus tomorrow? Is his son going to be mooching a room off of him in the Great Hereafter?! I think you need to do what is best for YOU and YOUR children, because if you don't do it, who will? Maybe staying in your country will give him the wake-up call that he needs and he'll finally do the right thing and get his son to move out.
Whatever you decide, you've got support here. Hang in there!
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Well, I hate to advise you
Well, I hate to advise you to separate or anything, but I'm kind of w/ Anne here. I mean, maybe your DH needs a huge bolt of lightening to hit him before he realizes the horrible position he has put you in.
I think the private conversation he had when he thought you weren't there about July says it all. I think I might just say, "I overheard you and your son speaking about a July move out date. I'm going to stay w/ my DD and our baby in my country until you've worked it out and he has moved out."
Did you ever go back to a therapist? See my latest post for my update on that. We went, it helped, but I'm more resentful now that we have to pay someone to tell my DH to have some COMMON SENSE! We have 3 young boys, he has 3 ADULT children who have attended the best schools and have never been responsible. We now have financial trouble from a fire 2 yrs. ago, but he refuses to let on to his adult kids - couldn't take away any of their luxuries (cars, cell phones) or dare ask them to pay for them themselves! It makes me so mad!
Anyway, I would think twice about bringing the 9 y.o. DD into this arrangement. The SS has known long enough that he needed to move on out. The strain on your marriage is just another selfish act on your SS's part. He knows no woman in her right mind would be happy about the current situation. My goodness - you have a BABY and a little girl who deserve and need their mom and can't possibly be expected to be in such tight quarters w/ HIM! And, why would any self-respecting ADULT man of 24 years of age WANT to live w/ his father, stepmom and two young kids????? We have an entire generation of adults who view themselves as 15 y.o. kids. It's sad.
I've said to my husband that while his adult kids do still need him. I'm not suggesting estrangement, just some accountability and boundaries - like your SS in your room compares to my SD in my room, but as I said, our house is large so she has even less business coming in here, not that his intrusion is at all proper. But, when the grown kids were 3, 4, and 7 like our boys, was there a trio of adults constanly taxing dad's money, energy, and time? I don't think so.
Anyway, I do feel for you and will say a prayer for your DH (and mine) to wake up before it's too late. They'd be fools to let us go. I often wonder how much these grown kids will do for Dad in his advancing years. Maybe they'll surprise us and come through, but I doubt it, though this SD living w/ us may. Or, once Dad's uselfulness is gone, will they be gone, too? I think your SS and my SS fall into that category. When my Dh was in a life-threatening condition last year, my SS, the only one at the time in our state, wouldn't even call me back. His dad could have died, easily, that night, and the brat couldn't call me back. We still pay for his car, phone, etc....
Dana
21 yr old stepchild and husband
My husband feels guilty that his son's Mom was a dead-beat mom. The son is disrespectful to his Dad. Has has just in this past two months shown disrespect for me and I made up my mind after the last episode of my 58 year old husband calling me at 10:30pm asking me if his 21 year old son "had taken a shower"...can you believe it, this is one of his chores..!!! I'm 51, what am I supposed to do with this dysfunctionaity...We put an offer in on a new home, but I told my husband, I am not moving and taking your son with us, I've had enuf....!!!! He's not happy but I've had enuf...
I hope you get the HOUSE!
Imatress: What's the latest? I've got my fingers crossed for you on the house offer and you are right - let it be known that he will NOT be making the move w/ you.
My SD moved out last Thurs. She had a friend visit from out of town that I was expected to house, too, along w/ her sister and sister's bf and their two dogs! I flipped and either DH listened or the girls wanted their own place and privacy.
Let me tell you that I had them all here Sun. for dinner and we had a wonderful time! There didn't seem to be any hard feelings or anything and we all enjoyed ourselves. I'm at ease now in my home - and she was NOTHING like your SS. The level of discomfort I had w/ her was incredible, so I know you are at the end of your rope. This house is huge but I felt cramped w/ all the people and not being able to run to the kitchen in a nightgown, etc. I know you are in close quarters and I'm proud of you for not shooting DH and SS by now, lol!
How old is the baby and when do you leave for DD?
Dana
I have no words of wisdom
I mean to tell you what happened to that generation. My SS is 22 and still living with us, and the level of crap I get is that of about a 15 year old. Its tough, especially when everyone, BM and grandparents are all like oh poor baby. Its sickening and dysfunctional and it seriously creates a whole lot of hell. When my SS was locked up for those 6 months I enjoyed seeing him and all that, now I want to run and hide since he is out and there again. But everyone oh he can't move out, he doesn't have this or that. Well who in the hell ever has it all together when they move out? And about the shower thing, to some poster up there, I hear you loud and clear. My MIL said to me on many occassions why don't you talk to him about brushing his teeth, yep my SS does not brush his teeth and in 4 years I know for a fact he has not touched them. There is so much white stuff on his bottom teeth its grouse. I hate it. But when she said this I thought to myself "go talk to an adult about brushing there teeth" um isn't that something you should learn as a kid?
Wow, I just want to say I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel.
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..