Husband sides with Ex Wife
I tried to be friends with my husband's ex wife and now feel like a complete idiot. She threw me under the proverbial bus and backed up several times. She told my husband that I called her daily with marital issues that he and I were having-not true. In fact, she was the one that called me telling me to watch out because he would cheat on me too and to never have kids with him because he was a horrible father. She told quite a few lies about things that I said- there was just enough truth to make it believeable and so he did.
It has created a lack of credibility on my part and every time she is around with her drama my husband is constantly defending her and taking her side. I feel like saying why don't you just leave me out of the equation? They have a son and it of course complicates things. She will make any excuse to ask for his help and my husband comes running. When I call him on it he says she has no one to take care of her and that he is her only dependable option. She has not dated since they were divorced 9 years ago and she claims they will spend the afterlife together because he has not excommunicated himself from the Mormon church. If I hear familes are forever one more time from my stepson....well you get the idea. I married my husband with the intention of being the only wife. I did not sign up for BIG LOVE. Any suggestions? We have been togethetr for 7 years and married for 5. I am a 35 year old career woman with no children of my own and no intentions to have any.
I feel for you!!
It's not fair that he is still running to his x-wife....period! I understand she may not have anyone else, but that is no longer his responsibility. I am sure he needs to stay level with her for their son's sake, but it's not fair to run to her everytime she needs something. I would say she still thinks he is rapped around her finger, and she will never move on, if he doesn't stop letting her have that control in his life. It really sucks that they are both siding against you now! I can only imagine how upsetting that is. Can he not see how wrong that is, to side with someone that is supposed to be a thing of the past. It sounds like she doesn't deserve your friendship, and she is obviously jealous that you have the man she is still in love with. However, I understand you just wanted to make peace, since the kid is involved, and she will be around forever, because of the child. I just hope for your sake that your husband loves you more then anything, and will eventually give up on trying to make her happy. THAT IS NOT HIS JOB ANYMORE, and he has to realize that!! If he can't let go of her, and let her be totally independent without his help, then she will NEVER let go of him....at least that is the way I see it!! Well, I hope you can get this worked out. ~KKB
Your commnets " I feel for you"
Hey thanks-it makes me feel sane to read a reply like that. I appreciate you taking the time to write.
Religion
I know this is touchy to talk about but are you Mormon? As far as being together in the afterlife... I thought it was to be with god first and foremost. I don't like it when ppl do that......
I found that it didn't work either...
there is a reason most men don't want you to be friendly with their ex's and I had to find out the hard way too!!
In all honesty, while BM is WAY over dramatic and over reactionary, in many ways I totally and completely agree with her where SD is concerned. She is a PARENT to SD, she has taught her more in the last year than DH did in the TWO previous years. She does NOT coddle, baby or treat SD like a fragile lil baby that will be permanently damaged if you so much as look at her with the wrong expression. SD has grown in MANY ways since she has spent more time with BM.
Having said that, my experiences with BM were good as long as I agreed with HER. But, sometimes I also tried to get her to see or understand *some* things from DH's POV and she wanted NO part of that. Not to mention, she spent too much time expressing her opinions of DH and while in some cases I could agree with her... he IS MY HUSBAND... I did not want to be a co-hort with her on bashing my husband KWIM?
I have to agree that the ex is no longer his responsibility. I don't have this problem, but I did have to nip my ex in the bud, bc he was still all too willing to do for and help ME which was not good for anyone... not his relationship with his GF, but most especially not for OUR KIDS who felt that maybe, just maybe they could get the two of us back together. Especially my son, LOL, he was ALWAYS telling me... Oh mom, MY DAD can come fix this or help with that or loan you this.... LOL...
It is what it is...
A rookie mistake I think we
A rookie mistake I think we all make, I tried the friends road but when BM was costantly bad mouthing DH to me but then would be nice as possible to him I caught on-If BM says he needs to excommunicat(whatever) from the church and that is what is obviously(for now atleast) feeding her feelings of right to his care then Why has he not done this? I would definitely let him know this step should be taken just to cut that from BM. When they divorced it was then up to her to find her own help, unless its directly for the children we refuse to help now and for years because BM was never responsible for her own stuff- we've been asked to store stuff inbetween houses, to let her move in w/ children at eviction(we did offer to let both her kids stay but come on how stupid can you be), help her move, loans, leaky pipes, all sorts of crud and even though her entire family has turned away from her user ways we still feel no obligation to her in any way other than as the womb donor for our beautiful girl which only entitles her to thing for SD, school supplies, transportation for SD, those type things and if it were any other way I don't know if I would've been able to stay in the situation when I realized BM would never be "friends" she was not interested in that relationship and to stay and watch someone act like they have anymore claim to your DH than as a father will constantly cause problems.
Best Wishes.
This is common when your parter's ex has no significant other
I'm not into BIG LOVE either! Your situation is way more extreme than mine, but I can see similarities. My soon to be husband's EW is still alone, after six years and until I came along three years ago, he was always 'there' for her e.g. money, time, fixing things, going to her family functions etc.. He and I now joke that she obviously thought he would stay alone pining for her his entire life and would always available for her every need. Well he well and truly moved on and now she is beside herself, she's lost 'control' over him (except when it comes to the kids).
I remember when he and I first met, his EW told him that my daughter had the 'hots' for him and he better back way from me and her. What a bitch to try to manipulate him like that. And my daughter laughed herself silly when I told her about it. At least it didn't work and now we are getting married in Fiji and are truly happy together.
She even asked him if she could come to our wedding!!! Right. Now that's someone who can't let go.
Personally, I think Religion breeds some weird ideas and I am sure your partner will make up his own mind about who he spends his afterlife with LOL.
The BM we deal with
BM is married and lives around the world and STILL tries to run our household by threats and intimidation. She tells the kids to tell their dad this and that. The last time she was agressive enough to make an accusation directly to him it backfired. She accussed ME of hitting her daughter. DH told her to go ahead and call the authorities and be prepared to back up the lies. I have NEVER hit the kids and the kids adore me. That burns her up. However SHE was the one that slapped SD in the face. DH told her he would be more than glad to report to the authorities her hitting of SD along with the drunk driving she did when she had the kids. It shut her up. When it is her that does something wrong she tries to turn around and say we did it. First of all she lives in another country. She has no way of knowing if we do or don't hit. The children don't want to go live with her so they never said anything like that. This woman lives to be the victim. She is good at it too.
DH has to start backing you up otherwise you will have no say so in your own house. BM will take over. I know I have seen it in my own home. I made sure to let DH and BM know when I got married to him that there was a new sheriff in town and this one wasn't going to put up with her BS.
It seems the problem
is that he is emotionally attached to her and wants to help her. He doesn't seem to mind that it upsets and bothers you. Good communication for the sake of the child is one thing, playing husband to her is another.
I would sign up for counseling sooner than later. Good luck!
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton