My Fiance Avoids my Kids
I am divorced almost two years and am living with my girlfriend and her 6yr old daughter. They moved in with me full time nine months ago. She has full custody of her daughter, because the father disappeared when my girlfriend was pregnant.
I have joint custody of my 8yr old son and my 4yr old daughter. They both are with me, and consequently my girlfriend and her daughter, every single TH, FRI, and SAT of every week.
The problem is this. My girlfriend seems to despise their presence. She seems to accuse them of misbehavior and bad upbringing by me at every turn, sometimes in the moment, and sometimes days later. This hits me like a ton of bricks, because her daughter is quilty of being a kid as well, and doing things just like they do when they act out. In actuality, all three kids are very good kids, do well in school, want attention and love from their parents, and are of course, I would guess, nervous and uncertain about their new family situation. I work very hard being objective and fair to all three kids all the time, but I get accused of favoritism implicitly and explicitly by my girlfriend all the time. I swear on my Mother's grave I am very very fair about moderating conflicts between the kids fairly when they occur, and treating them all equally. At the very least, there is not doubt that, even if I fail at that sometimes, I am at least --present-- and know what is going on with them.
Thankfully, all three kids really enjoy each other most of the time.
Here is the kicker. My girlfriend expects all children, her own included, to be perfect angels all the time, silent, with low volume, and robotically obedient. She does not praise her own daughter, or smile at her very often, if at all. Eye contact is minimal. She does even less for my two kids when they come over.
She has ADHD and is sensitive to sound and interruptions. She is emotionally viscious in the morning if she is awoken by any sound not made by her daughter. She says she has trouble with social interactions, bright sunlight, and crowds.
This past weekend I brought my two kids into the house as usual around 6pm, and my girlfriend said "Hi Guys," and then spent the 5 hours ignoring everyone at her computer coding. She did come in for 1min at bedtime to give my daughter a brief hug as she went to bed.
The next day, Friday, I took all three kids to school and returned at 5pm with the kids as usual again. Once again, she stayed at her computer for 5 hours, ignoring the kids, except for some brief disciplinary words. She does not say goodnight to my son unless he and I go over to say goodnight.
Every Saturday during the weekends, I have gradually evolved into a protective parent, shielding them from her intimidating looks, or her total disinterest in their existence by leaving the house with all three kids. This past Saturday, I left the house at 7:45am and found myself driving around this town and the nearby towns with the three kiddos going to the park, the bookstore, having a pancake breakfast, washing the car with them, and talking. I dropped my two kids off at their biological Mom's house at 4pm, as usual, avoiding my home and my girlfriend.
I have basically done this since she moved in with me, although not as extreme as this weekend. My two kids are not hellions. Neither is her daughter. I am not a pussy either. I know that all three kids need guidance and authority at times, but they also need to know that the person dishing it out loves them, or at least cares and is interested in them.
We have dated for a year and a half and I have supported her and her daughter financially and emotionally for a year, even before she moved in with me. I took her daughter out for her birthday last year by myself because my girlfriend did not want to go out.
My girlfriend had her daughter as the result of a one night stand, when she was 19, and was a single mom for 4 years. I also know she was a member of a blended family, where one of her stepbrothers was a clear "favorite."
I love them all.
I also expect better relations between them, because she loves me and knows it's important to me. I do not expect them to all love one another, and I do not expect her to be their Mom. I do expect to share the burdens and joys of childrearing together with her. I keep telling her, "Its not what you do or who you are, it's how you treat people that matters."
I fear that if this continues, the emotional damage to me and the kids is going to be beyond repair.
Am I crazy?
Welcome
It's always refreshing hearing from a dad on this website! I must say that you sound like you are doing everything you can with the children's best interests (both your children and hers). I'm not sure what is going on with your girlfriend. From what I've read she may tend to hold back in all dealing with children. You are taking her daughter as well on Saturdays, leaving her alone. When she is on the computer for 5 hours at night,where is her daughter? I think it may not be that she despises your kids but that she has a problem dealing with kids. Is she being treated for the ADHD? Maybe you are the type of guy that just does things for the children and she has grown accustomed to not interacting with them. She may have distanced herself because "it was easy"...she was a single mom for 4 years, then you came along and did things for her daughter and she's taken a step back.
What I would suggest is for you and her to sit down for some counseling. I'd also set up some house rules so she can see that there is no favoritism. If a rule is broken by any child then the consequence is also spelled out. Then I'd try and come up with activities for everyone. A weekend at the movies, family bowling night, something like that...she needs to interact with all the kids. Give her a chance but it's not fair to your kids if she won't meet you halfway. You do a lot for her daughter out of your love for her - she should want to do the same for your children.
Good luck!
I avoid my dh kids and here is why...
Monday thru Friday he is the most tender caring husband to me and father and my children you could ever wish for but on the weekends he changes.He is distant , like he doesnt want them to see he is happy now.He was divorced 6 yrs ago and had other girlfriends around so I don't see why he should feel guilty about his beautiful home and family.He picks little fights with me and is moody and drinks a lot!They destroy our home and he says nothing when we are not that way thru the week.I find myself hiding out till the GUESTS leave and Sunday nights retun to normal.They are 12 and 15.Don't understand the change.Perhaps you have a similar situation.I hide too!
Sounds really strange,
I don't understand where your girlfriend is comming from but I would seriously think long and hard before you even consider marrying this woman.
I couldn't imagine being with someone like you described.
With my dh and I (he sounds a lot like you) things just fell into place. We have similar parenting styles, we love and respect one another's children as our own.
Honestly, he would not be with me if this were not the case and vise versa.
I feel badly for all 3 of 'your' children but I am glad that they have you to be their stability.
Does sound strange.
Suffering from ADHD but spent 5 hours coding. Do you realize the amount of attention coding takes? I mean one character wrong and it can wreak havoc. Take this from someone who builds websites. Sounds to me like your gf enjoys letting you do all the work. She also could be suffering from something like bipolar disorder, or depression. Have you tried to talk to her about it? I think counseling is definitely a good way to find out what the underlying issues are. I bet her daughter is grateful that you don't leave her home to deal with her Mother's mood swings.
**How seldom we weigh our neighbors in the same balance as ourselves. ~Thomas à Kempis**
I agree
I agree. Sounds like more than ADHD. First, let me say, blending a family is hard work. I distance myself from my skids sometimes because I feel like they should have time to spend with my husband. After all, that is who they really come to see. It is not hours and hours at a time though. Although the skids are teenagers, they seem much more needier than my kids. When we do "family activites" I try hard to participate so that they will not feel that they are not welcomed or wanted in our home when they come to visit. I don't always look forward to the weekends when the skids come. Things are just different when they are there although all of us get along (Most of the time).
I am really heartened and
I am really heartened and thoughtful because of the words you all have written here. I have a pact in my mind: "I am not marrying her until she learns to treat all three children, hers and mine, well."
You know, its almost to where it's like the oath Doctor's take, the Hippocratic Oath, "Above all else, do no harm."
And as to whether she is bipolar and/or depressesed? I know really know much about bipolar, and I know very little about depression.
Counseling also seems to be a trend in your feedback...what kind of counsellor should I be looking for, specifically? A family counselor? A mental health professional? I am so new to all of this.
Bless you all for you input and your help. I cannot thank you enough.
Some more Information
I thought I would add. Last night, her 6yr daughter had a tooth almost come out. She spent 5min in the bathroom with her daughter teaching her how to pull it out. I made sure I let the girl know there was a treat which would await from the tooth fairy if the tooth came out, and left the small room.
As time went on, and the little girl was clearly inimidated by pulling her own tooth out, my GF got more and more incensed by the delay. Screaming at her "OH MY GOD, I HAVE HAD TO PULL 20 OF MY OWN TEETH. GET OVER IT, QUIT BEING MELODRAMATIC, ITS JUST PAIN IT WILL GO AWAY. OMG I DEAL WITH PAIN EVERY DAY AND I DONT CRY AND WHINE ABOUT IT. COME ON! COME ON! QUIT F_ING MESSING AROUND! I'VE SPENT ALL FREEKING DAY WITH YOU, YOU GOT IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL TODAY AND I HAD TO BRING YOU HOME, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME, OH MY GOD... on and on and on like this...the look in her daughters eyes was horrid and terrified. She was screeching in fear.
I was appalled at her words. I wanted to gently take the girl in the bathroom grab the tooth, quickly pull it out for her (it was stuck hard in the gum), and then spend time consoling her, giving her an ice cube to put on it, and putting her reward under her pillow. Instead, when I offered to "take a shift" I got a nuclear glare, and a "No." She finally yanked her daughters tooth out, and I went in there and said "Good job. I know that was hard, gimme a high five." At which time I got another brutal glare from her. It seemed like she was livid at me for trying to console her daughter, who had failed to meet her expectation of a fast, obedient, fearless tooth-extraction, and she had a look on her face of...why are you undermining me?
I went downstairs to get some fresh air outside, and my GF came out as well and gave me another glare. I said, "Do you want to talk about what happened with at school today?" since I had just overhead during the tirade that she brought her daughter home from school, and she said, staring away at me..."No. I took care of it."
I spent the night on the couch, because three times after our breath of fresh air downstairs, I attempted to open a discussion with her, about her day, her creative work, and her drawing, and she wanted nothing to do to me.
I feel like I am honestly leaving nothing out of the story.
Counseling
I am no expert myself, but it seems that if she had problems with her blended family, couples counseling might not be a bad idea to talk about what she may see as issues, if she is willing to go. People who are bipolar have highs and lows. They are so cheerful, almost euphoric one day and then they come crashing down and get very depressed the next. I have been through depression myself. It is no pretty thing either. I didn't have the energy to get out of bed, and my body ached, I didn't want to see or talk to anybody. I went to work, but after work on the weekends, I would stay in my apartment and not leave or see anyone the whole weekend. I felt sorry for myself and thank God I had a family that wouldn't allow me to stay that way. Something is definately wrong and it sounds like you are willing to help her get through whatever it is. Just remember, you can not change a person. If she is not willing to go to counseling, I would really reconsider the relationship.
Bottom Line?
I am not looking for a utopia here. I am not looking for perfection. I just want a minimal amount of civility and decency. Like I said in my recent post today, it's like the Hippocratic Oath, "First do no harm."
Can't she see that her total rejection of my kids and the way she is treating her own is doing harm to them, but most importantly, me?
Wow
What a horrible experience for that little girl and you. As others have mentioned, I would definately recomend counseling. Start with couples counseling and get all of your concerns out on the table.
Best of luck
Indianadad
Koral280 is being very merciful in my opinion. You are a male who is trying to open a converstaion with your GF and she won't. I could scream!! I can't find a man that doesn't think a tv show or beer are as important as I am!! LOL When I mentioned to my ex fiance that his drinking was being watched by his grandaughetr and perhaps if he chose not to stop to consider doing it more discretely! He said I think too much! LOL
I guess I am saying ,Indianadad , I am too old for you I am sure but come to Tennessee , I ahve lots of incredible beautiful soingle friends looking for you and are beginning to think you are a myth.
Do you want this around your kids? I am not asking how you feel about her, do you really think she is good for your kids. I would probably be putting up with my sweet SOB exBF if I did not realize he was no influence I wanted on my kids and that is more important then me however lonely I get
Things can only get worse
Things can only get worse if you allow her to treat/neglect your children now. Once she has that ring on her finger, forget it.
To be honest, even if she were to do an extreme about-face, it wouldn't last long. If the ultimatum were to either shape up or ship out, she would shape up for awhile, just to manipulate you into what she wants.
If she could scream at her OWN 6 year old and use that type of language and comparing her pulling out her own 20 teeth, imagine what she will do to your children when your not there!
Run...run fast...and run FAR!
There are MANY single mothers/women out there (here) that are just DYING to meet a man with your morals, values and ideas!
Just run, please?
I totally agree with
I totally agree with Anonymous. I have been sitting here reading Indianadad's stories, and I have one thing to say: RUN! This is what I call a HUGE red flag!!! She will ONLY get "better" and change her behavior if SHE gets counseling. She is the one that needs to see a therapist. There is a lot of work to be done there, obviously. She has to want it, though. You can't "fix" her or change her. If there is one thing I have learned, it is to accept the person or NOT accept them. You can't change them. You have to love her for who she is with NO expectation of her changing. It WILL get worse unless she seeks help for herself. You owe it to yourself and your children to leave her and find a loving, gentle and kind woman that will cherish you and your children. You are worth it. Your leaving your GF and telling her why might just be the thing to turn her life around and make her seek counseling ... make her want to change her behavior.
This doesn't feel right.
When reading your post, my first and lingering thought was that things are pretty bad for a new relationship. She's been living with you for 9 months. From my experience on this site and with myself, the problems with blending the families, developed over time. As you describe her, she is ugly inside and burps it out onto all of you, even her own child. I'm certain there is more to this women than what I've read, because I don't know why, otherwise, you would have her live in the house with your kids. I'm guessing you thought she would be a good mother, lover, maybe wife. So if so, then something is going wrong. Maybe she is having a chemical imbalance, or maybe there is something underlying that needs to be worked out with you. Counseling would be the first step, but not a long drawn out counseling. If you can't even get along with the girlfriend, then why would you want to bring these innocent children into a lions den. So I hope not to offend but I think you have a big problem on your hands that you need to step up and resolve. Lovingly and kindly, but get some help from someone outside. Sometimes that is all you really need. Good luck.
Reboot
I told her I could not live like this anymore, and that things between us were not good. I would not allow that behavior under the roof that I call my own. I got her a hotel room for the next three days so that I can have some healing time and peace with my kids.
She needs a wakeup call, at least in terms of her relationship with me. I've reached a breaking point.
She can sit all day and play her computer game all she wants somewhere else if she refuses to get help for her addiction to it, and for her behavior with children.
How did she respond
Hey Indiana Dad. When you two talked about the situation, what did she say?
She said tons of venom at
She said tons of venom at first, because I showed up on time to take her to the hotel. Then she accused me of having a secret woman on the side.
"Why else would you "kick" me out?" She said, she was a horrible person, I am sorry I am such a fuckup, I have done everything you have asked me to do. I am tired of being broken. You just want to fix me."
I am not asking for her to change. I am asking for her to look in the freeking mirror and see the monster that sometimes emerges. She thinks that because she had a horrific childhood that anyone elses' troubles, even children's troubles, are trivial compared to hers, and therefore should be shrugged off. "Oh fucking quit being so sensitive!" she will say to them and me. My shit stinks just as much as the next, but I can tell you this, her childhood demons don't give her the right to erase any feelings that current children in the house have.
I went to help her carry her things and drive her to the hotel, and she spewed venom at me. I had no intention, but the hatred in her voice and her words made me take the keys from her. I had not intention of doing so when I showed up. "Sure. Give me money for food, and kick me out. I have no home. You don't care about me at all. I am just a dumb bitch." I said, "Take swimsuit, there is a pool there. She said "It doesnt fucking fit her anymore. I've told you that you never listen to me" It does in fact fit her cause EVERY SATURDAY from Memorial Day to Labor Day, I was an enabler, and took her daughter with my kids to the pool all day on Saturday. I gave her the number for the Mental Health Family Counseling Crisis center, and suggested she call it tonight and tomorrow. She said "Oh yeah. Well you don't give a fuck about me or my daughter anyway so what do you care?" This sorta comment offends me to the core. Cause it hasn't been true. I said, I am sorry, but you are married to your computer game, your family is inside that box. Kids model their behavior after their parents and the adult figures in their life, and I am really hurting now by living with you. You need help, as a friend, I am telling you you need help. You are angry about alot of things, and are taking it out on your kid, my kids, and me. Slay the demons you need to slay, but you are not taking me down with you if you fail.
I told her she has not right to comment on my parenting skills unless she is actually THERE.
I told her I wanted to know if she is physically ok before nightfall, but at the end of the day, her happiness is her responsibility and mine is mine.
She is at the hotel now and sorrowful. I think I get her attention.
Good for you
Good for you IndianaDad. You deserve to be happy and so do your kids. Keep us posted.
I text messaged a friend
I text messaged a friend this afternoon: "You would not believe the relief I feel at home with her gone, no possibility of her raging or computer game escaping, and there are no pins and needles on the floor. My heart rate is so much slower now."
Also, I found her Ritalin bottle. The script was filled on 10-26-07, 14 days ago, and five pills have been taken. Nine days were missed.
I think she feels like its a failure to have to take them. She is ashamed of them or something. I take lipitor, I need eyeglasses or contacts to see....they are both tools to correct a physiological defect in me.
And...I cannot
And...I cannot forget...thank you for listening to me everyone and writing your support. I wish I could express how much it helps.
She is a good person. Truly, but she has big issues, and I just cannot do the work for her. She has to decide on her own that she has some specific problems, and she has to decide that she wants to fix them. It's like she knows what she wants to be but is incapable of doing it. Or like she deserves not to do it.
I guess the thread of intellectual hope I have is that she makes these steps herself, and that joy can be a part of her life somehow. And maybe mine. Who knows, but right now I am loving the fact that for one night, I am at peace.
Some notes. She took her
Some notes. She took her entire desktop workstation to the hotel.
Addiction.
I got a text message from her saying "I forgot my mouse. What's the best way to do this?"
I am not responding. Not gonna do it. She can use the $50 of food money I gave her for two nights for a mouse or for something to eat. Her choice.
I am sure she wanted me to drop everything I am doing and run her mouse over to her.
I told her when I left the
I told her when I left the hotel after checking her in that all I wanted was a text message that she was physically ok before she went to bed.