Need advice on how to handle his ex-wife
My husband's ex wife has made no denial about being bitter that things ended for them over 4 years ago.She is discreet about it, but it shows.
In October we had our own child together. We have been married 2 years. His ex-wife sent out Christmas pictures of her and their son to all of my husband's family. She only keeps in contact with my husband's Aunt as she is their son's Godmom. We both feel it is disrespectful of her to send this picture out because I am his wife now. I guess she expects them to display this picture so I can see it when I go to visit at the in-laws? It seems wrong to me. A picture of their son is one thing, but a picture of her and her son and the one just of their son is what she sent. I don't get it. My mother-in-law won't put the picture with her in it out anywhere. To me that shows his mom respects me enough to not do that. Am I wrong here? is this what being married to a man that was married before is like? When we have parenting time with their son I bake cookies for her and say they are from her son. I AM TRYING. I mean, this is only one issue, there have been many others. Many to the point where I have wanted to leave. How do I react to this? Do I say something to her? Do I just let it go and let her continue?? PLEASE! Any advice would be great.
this is tough on you....
My first H was married before me (he was 6 years older than me.) I was only 20 when we started dating and his exW (no kids thankfully) went out of her way to continue to stake a claim. She even went as far as to plan a baby shower for a family friend (whom she was friends with as well) with my first H's sister, only to say she was uncomfortable with me there, so could just they not invite me? This was after I was married to my first H for about 7 YEARS and we had a child. So...I find out through the grapevine that I'm not invited. My H's first wife manipulated this situation so that all my inlaws, neices, other family friend's of my first H's were there...and not me but his EX wife. That was the final time I let her do it. I composed a very friendly letter to her explaining that I would like to talk to her in person, perhaps to allow her to be more comfortable with me, so that our friends wouldn't have to choose (this family friend had invited us both places many times before, because she refused to choose, but this was the only time my first H's ex was able to do the inviting since she jumped on to host it.)
She never wrote me back.
But I don't regret the letter b/c it let her know that I tried to be bigger about it than she was being. Only she got more upset about my existence (I'm sure to see how nice I could be to someone who was so rude to me in the past only made her feel worse.)
My point? It's tough. But I would take the high road here. I was very hurt that my then in-laws went along with this obvious plan to exclude me by his ex, but... if you worry about them taking sides all the time, you're putting them in an awkward place. I would be pleased as pie that your MIL refused to put the picture out and leave it at that.
Oh- and when I was single I sent out some pics of me and the boys to the ex-laws I stayed friendly with, but my ex and his wife don't mind pics of me and my sons together.
Peace, love, and red wine
thanks. I like the high road
thanks. I like the high road aproach. I am just not sure how to deal with her. She always seems to have an underlyign alibi. She doesn't send us the pics, she sends them to everyone BUT us. I don't know how to feel. It is very hard to share family with someone that is no longer in the picture but still wants to be. Part of me wants to tell her to get a life.
Hi there.
Yes, this is what's it like and how it's going to be when you have a BM (Biological Mother)/ex-wife who just can't let go of the former marriage.
My husband's ex sent pictures out this year as well to all my husband's family after 4 years of being a complete bitter nightmare. (She wasn't in the pictures, though) She then framed a couple and wrapped them up and gave them to my husband. For me, my BM is diagnosed Bipolar and completely unpredictable. God only knows why she did this. Maybe she wants him back. Maybe she's in the upswing of her disease. Maybe she was just trying to be nice. I, at this point, could care less. And trust me, is she knows it bothers me - she will do it again on Valentine's Day, Easter, St. Patrick's Day and every holiday after.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that confronting her would probably be a waste of time and the more you let it get to you, the more she is doing exactly what she has set out to do. If DH thinks it is inappropriate have him call her and tell her that she needs to stop sending pictures of herself to HIS family. Ii is disrespectful towards you and his family won't display the pictures anyways.
I know what you're going through. I've wanted to leave because of BM's crazy antics. I'm still here, though. I still love my husband and I'm holding on to a hope that one day this will all be over and I can enjoy my life and this man who has made this whole nightmare bearable.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Going through the same issue!
My DH has one of these people as an X. It is unbelievable the crap that she pulls. As a woman, we see things how they are meant to be seen. My DH is just now starting to listen to a little of what is rally going on. Unfortunately they were together quite a while, she knows exactly how to manipulate him into getting whatever she wants including extra money on top of child support, which has now finally been put to a stop! I have had a hard time keeping my mouth shut through a lot of the stuff that goes on. I have learned though that sometimes(most of the time) it is better to not let the X know how I feel about ANYTHING! It seems the minute that she realizes that something affects me she jumps at the opportunity to pull out more crap. when i see her, i turn the other cheek. I won't look at her, I won't acknowledge her presents and that gets to her. She also sends pics to my DH's family. they laugh and continue to talk about how crazy she is and blow it off. I do as well. every time that a situation pops up, which is usually with the kids and she is involved my dh and i get into it. After a few moments i realize that we would not even be arguing if she would not have been involved. I am trying to get my DH to realize that now, but because there are kids involved, it is a little harder. Don't get me wrong the kids are great, but she will call and say one thing about them, which will get ME fired up and then they will call, and it is not at all what they wanted from the dad. BTW I will take any other suggestions on how to deal with a manipulating, lying X who feels the need to control everything.
Always take the high road!
I know there are prob a lot of people on here who think I'm crazy for half the stuff I do but I always take the high road. I have one of the world's WORST BMs and have been through so much. However I have never changed my tone of voice, attitude, etc towards BM. There is no use. (Even when she came to my bachelorette party and took pics of me- i didnt yell)
I never let her know she gets to me. She tries to bait me but I wont yell at her. I always respond with a positive comment. Me figting with her is not going to do anything but hurt everyone. You have to find a way to not let her get to you as much. Even if she does something horrible, always remember you are the better person and won't go to her level. My DH asked for some pics of SD one time and BM sent a cd full of pics of the two of them! Like their prom picture and stuff! But I didnt care because I knew he didnt care. I actually sent BM a Christmas/congrats on new marriage present- two picture frames with a pic of her and SD. It was just a way to show her I do not want animosity between us. I have no desire to fight and will go to all lengths to protect SD from being hurt.
Colorado is right- don't confront her. Don't let her know you care! She just wants a reaction and eventually she will stop....maybe. but if not just remember how much you love DH!
Hope it gets better!
My DH's ex sent xmas cards
last year to all of DH's family with her & the boys. Grandma had her's hanging on the fridge when we went to visit. This year she brought her BF to meet my husbands grandmother...makes the card seem like nothing.
I know how you feel, it sucks. Mine knows no boundaries, however my MIL made a comment to me recently, who knows why people do what they do, it is best to just ignore them let it roll of your back like water on a duck. BTW it was her mother.
Just make sure that these same people get your xmas card with your happy family. I made sure everyone got one of the ss's & the baby brother & everyone got our lovely family photo.
Ex sends cards
M DHs ex sends US Christmas, Easter and Halloween cards! She has lived with my sister in law on several occasions, they are BFFs! DHs grandmother was the only one that ever made me feel welcome and would intentionally snub his ex. Yes, his ex came to anything that we were at, usually at his sister's house. Needless to say we don't make that 5 hour trip but once or twice a year. We're not big on the family functions with his family because he just doesn't want to be around his ex all of the time!
thanks
i am going to try to heed all of your advice. It can be really hard, though. I wish someone would say hey, tell her how you feel about it, but I know that isn't realistic. The scary thing is, if I had really known what i was getting into, I probably wouldn't have gotten into it. What can I do at this point. I just don't like feeling like I am waiting for the next dramatic issue to arise. Thanks all of you!
advice for joanneO on dealing with an ex
hi i'm a SM and i have a little bit of different advice to give. i am going to recommend that you send a short note, email perhaps, and let her know exactly what she did and how bad it made you feel. and then use that to say you would like to move forward in a positive direction.
why? why even let her know that you're bothered by something she did? i used to think that way. at the same time, i think what BM's want most is to know that you bleed. (and they'll keep poking you until they're sure that you do). but you actually show so much more strength to be able to admit that you were hurt by something, and then be able to say in the next breath that you want to turn that into something more positive.
i decided to do that with my BM after getting upset and seething for months about the hurtful lies she wrote about me in her court papers. about ME, not her ex-boyfriend (they were never married, that's really a sore spot for her since we just tied the knot). i'm sure she wrote nasty things about me to get back at me for what i wrote about her in my former blog. but i sent her an email and said you know what? i was shocked and hurt by what you wrote and i really want to move forward and develop a working BM-SM relationship (i said mother instead of BM, in case she got offended).
and you know what? i've had an epiphany. i've made things too easy for her by staying away out of fear. i've decided that as long as i have to put up with her the rest of my life, she's going to have to put up with me. instead of me staying away, i'm going to reach out to her every chance i can get. i'm going to call her up and ask her if i can come to back to school night. let her know i'll be at the soccer game. let her know that i'll be picking her child up from daycare. because it doesn't kill me to give her what she (thinks) she wants, more information about our lives. and think about it, why should she get to communicate with my DH all the time and not feel any of my awkwardness? the only way she'll feel what it's like to be in my shoes is if i talk to her. because you see, even when you reach out, you're not losing anything. you can only gain. no matter what you disclose, she'll never know what it's like between you and DH. she'll never know what it's like when you hang out with her kids. and that's what's killing her.
remember you are in the position of strength-- you are strong enough to have married a man with children, to take care of them, and to handle the BM. you are the classy one and you will always outclass her. letting on that you were upset makes you human. it also makes her accountable for her hurtful actions, and it lets her know that you are watching what she does and she cannot act willy-nilly. there are consequences, like people's feeling getting hurt. and if anything, if you ever end up in court, it's puts her actions on the record.
good luck!
Well, duh!
Back when I was a single mother, I had a Christmas photo taken of myself and my son and used it on my Christmas cards. What's the big deal? She's still his mother, even if she is divorced from his father. Or is the problem that she's sending the card to her ex-husband's family? Because I don't see a problem with that, either, if it's from her and her son. The aunt is his godmother, as well as his aunt, and I think that's an important relationship to continue post-divorce. It would be creepy if the kid were like 35 or something, but if he's a child, then I don't see the problem. I get that it bothers you, but I don't completely understand why. Just because you are his wife now that doesn't mean she can't send photos of herself and her child out to people on her Christmas card list. I don't see the connection. What does your being his wife have to do with her sending out photo Christmas cards featuring her son and herself?
Sometimes a Christmas card is really just a Christmas card.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
I think it depends on her intentions....
is she sending them out innocently like you stated, Anne? I've taken lots of pictures over the years with just my kids and me. The ones I took of just the boys are the ones I sent to my ex's family, I just figured they wouldn't want the ones with me in it.
I just don't think it's appropriate on the ex's part if she's trying to maintain a connection with his family...especially if her intention is to spite the new wife. I think when there is so much animosity, it's not fair that each family needs to pick sides.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
No, you're totally right, it's not appropriate...
...if she's working some kind of angle. But unfortunately, having bad taste and ill manners isn't illegal or even actionable in court. This is one of those things where you have to take a look at what you have to gain by fighting this type of battle. I mean, is it really worth it to get into a big hullaballo with the ex-wife over Christmas cards? Is it worth the emotional trauma? I don't think so. I think this is one of those things that is best ignored. She can say something and then endure a shitstorm, but I think the best retaliation is ambivalence. As hard as it is to feel and even if you have to fake it until you make it, ambivalence is always the best weapon against someone who tries to get in these kinds of digs.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Good points Cruella. I won't
Good points Cruella. I won't giver her the satisfaction of dwelling on it. I tried to impart the knowledge you gave me on hubby, but he is really taking this seriously. He said he is going to say something to her anyway. So, we shall see. I guess if we beleived her intentions were good, it wouldn't matter. Since they aren't good it causes friction. UGH
She does things here and
She does things here and there to cause drama in the family. She makes snide remarks and talks down to my husbands family about him and how horrible he was to have left her 4 years ago. This is why I don't get the picture thing. If it was innocent, as Anne8102 was thinking, than I guess I could understand. Then, if the photo's don't get displayed she makes a comment. I just want her to get her own life. I didn't mean to cause such a stir on here. I guess the bottom line is to let her do what she wants and ignore it? It seems at some point I should put my foot down, but I guess I will let this issue lie. Thanks ladies....Happy Holidays.
Do nothing.
I think that's really the best advice. I mean, if she's doing it to get a rise out of someone (you? DH?) then the worst thing you can do is call her on it. If she's looking for a reaction, then you never want to give her one. Just adds fuel to the fire. Take away her power by acting like she doesn't exist.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Okay I have a mental picture
of BM with a 40 y/o kid sitting on her lap on a christmas card,
signed from Evil One & little Billy.
LMAO
That's hysterical. Now I can
That's hysterical. Now I can just laugh when she tries to get to me by thinking of that. HA
Photos and a Good Card
Last year we received a card with just the three kids photo on front (aged 14, 15 and 20) addressed to my DH's first name, my name and my daughter's name.... Card was signed, Love BM, and all his kids names.
I thought it was VERY odd....if the kids send their dad a christmas card, wouldn't they address it: To Dad, Love, XXX
My first thought was maybe we should send BM a card also from us, and the kids names on it....THEY ARE OUR KIDS TOO.
Anyway, I was annoyed and let it get to me...We aren't "friends" in my book and it just felt weird - It's almost as if some BM's don't want Daddy to ever forget that she is the kids mommy! Has to make herself a part of everything.....Not in a million years would i send my ex husband and his new wife a photo of "our" kid and sign it by me and my daughter. oh well. You guys offered alot of advice. Thanks....I'm going to try to lighten up for 2008 and NOT CATCH THE BALL anymore....
Some good cards:
ACtually this year, my daughter's stepmom sent her an absolutely beatiful card... She told her how lucky she felt to have such a neat stepdaughter and that she was honored to be able to call her daughter...(I didn't mind at all...daughter, step-daughter...doesn't matter.)
Our kids being loved by all is what's important.
dealing with the ex
my husbands ex has been a bitter jerk for eight years now. My presence just kills her and I never yell at her either. We ignore her and she goes away for a while then she returns. She's lonely angry and wants attention and she gets none. It works ignore her and love your man that's the best response!!!!!!!
You think your BM is crazy?
My SD's BM came to our wedding to pick her up, and came an hour early. My SD started to cry because she wanted to stay. By the way, I wasn't even in the room when the BM came to pick her up. So, she leaves with my SD balling. The next day we get home from the hotel we stayed at, and there is a 30 minute message from the BM saying I had made a scene and made HER feel uncomfortable, that I was a b*tch, and was not allowed on her property, or near her! I go to my DH, what the heck, I wasn't even in the same room when she came for her! Ever since then, I try not even to talk to her when we go to sports games or concerts. I say "hi", and go sit with my DH's family. I think that bugs her the most because it kinda shows her what she did really doesn't bother me. And you know it doesn't. I know I am the bigger person in this, because who in their right mind does the things the BM do? I can say not me! I am not crazy like she is!
wow, what a difference of opinion on here
I would feel HORRIBLE if BM did that to my fiances family. Only because according to the family she was bipolar, crazy and controlling. So for them to display or accept a card from her would hurt my feelings and be totally hypocritical of them. As for the godmom, you dont stop being a godmom because the parents break up. So i can totally see her sending a card to her. But really, why does she have to be in the picture? She isnt part of the family anymore just the child. I would never send a picture of myself with my kids to their dads or his family. I think that is very disrespectful. Its like me throwing it in there face that i am still around. I only send pics of the kids to them. I am engaged to be married and i think it is very hard to deal with the ex wife. Especially if she has to "mark her territory". I do not think she would appreciate you and your hubby with HER child in the picture being sent to her and her side of the family. I do believe her intentions are wrong. Otherwise she would of sent the picture without her in it. Its one thing if its a picture of them being silly around the house, but to actually take photos together to send them out is just pure evil. let hubby tell her to knock it off. Let hubby tell his family how you feel about it. Sometimes family members don't realize they hurt the new wifes feelings about stuff like this. Since you guys are newly weds(i am guessing)there still is a lot everyone needs to learn. JMO!
"Still waiting to get my life back"
I agree: she should not display the picture
When you divorce, you are no longer a member of the family.
HI ladies/gents if some on
HI ladies/gents if some on board.
I must say from reading all of this it makes so much sense why I am singing the same old song too regarding BM drama. I thought as the wife that I should be courteous with the BM ,but to me they will take advantage and think they can run over you and your hubby. Well this situation has been going on for years and i hope and pray that I can find the strength to let her evil and sneaky ways roll right off my back. i am not there yet, but will be one day. My hubby though can care less about what she does and I can see the humor in what she does as well. It's like she is making a totally fool of herself and eventually her kids will realize what she's been doing.I am not going to say that I am innocent, but I have tried to be the mature one. well anyway ladies thanks for allowing me to vent. like I say this will be all over before you know it, but make the best with what you and your hubby has.
ex wife cruella
my husands ex wife would not stop. she tries to control everything. my husband and i were moving from upstate to florida she decides she wants us to have the kids so she can go back to school. i went to florida got a house and got things set up for the move until she calls me one day telling me that she was looking for houses an she made some calls.So far me and my husband have been married for one yr and when i see him get under her control like that just because she has the kids it pisses me off.
so far i have not been mean to her or rude, bu frankly i dont know if i can shut up next time she tries something i will have to put her in her place especially now that he's getting the kids. if not she will just try and keep on trying to make our lives as miserable as hers