Patience is running thin.
Hello All,
I just need some advice. My current situation is pretty hectic and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I have three step children (12,7,6) and two of my own with my wife(4, 11 months). All these issues are coming out and my wife and I constantly get into fights about it. It's like we are drawing battle lines. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. When do I say enough is enough. I know if my wife has to choose a side it's going to be with her first three. She feels like she is caught in the middle. I feel like I'm nothing to my stepchildren. I basically feel like I'm just there if they need something. They really don't mind what I feel as long as they get what they want. Kids will be kids but there are times when they aren't even considerate for things I do. I don't even get a thank you especially the oldest one. There are times when I would wake up at 5am in the morning and drive my oldest to her soccer games. Some of these drives were at least a hour away. I feel so underappreciated. That's just my venting to start. Let me when just list all the strikes against me. First off, I live with my in-laws. Yes, it's their house but I thought I was the parent in the relationship. When it comes to discipline my rules pretty much don't exist to these kids. They usually try to hide behind their grandparents and say that so and so said this. That would be their justification for not listening to me. I have yell and spanked my stepkids before. I do the same to my own children. My stepkids don't think I'm fair to them and treat my kids better. I actually see me own two kids on the weekends because my parents normally babysit for us when we are at work. This issue comes up in my relationship a lot. I take care of my stepkids more than my own kids and my wife and stepkids feels that I treat my own kids better. I hardly even see my own. How's that being fair to my own kids? Another thing their birth father is an explicit word. The reason their mother isn't with him anymore is because he's a liar, a beater, and cheater. I haven't really dealed with him face to face. He's manipulative and I'm pretty sure he brainwashes his children. When they come home from his place they usually have a rotten attitude. I've brought up all these issues with my wife time and time again yet there are no solutions. I'm at the point where I really don't want to deal with anyone. I'm beginning to be come depressed. I really lost and feel so aloof at times. I need advice, a prayer, and a vacation. Thanks.
Haven't we all....
Been where you are?? We don't get much input from men on this site...just the 2!! Maybe Kevin & Steve can input here and help you more than I can. I know mothers are more protective of their children in a verbal way, although I can't speak for all the other mothers here. I measure a lot of myself with my kids and if she were a single mother for a while she probably feels the same.
When my DH and I first got together I was very cautious of how he treated my son and it has taken me a long time to learn that telling him to do something, he very well should be doing, is NOT picking on him, although I felt it was for a longtime! As I have done alot of the raising of my son alone, I somehow felt anyone saying that he should do this or that as degrading me for my ability to raise my son.
All I can help with is perhaps help you see the way she may see things and I also maybe way off base. Step parenting is rough whatever sex you are but there is certainly to many chiefs and not enough indians in the home you live in. The in laws shouldn't let the kids use them as a tactic and they should be firmly turning them back to you and your wife in those situations. Oh and if you aren't appreciated, don't do anything for any of them, then there is no reason to thankyou, if they are that ungrateful of course.
Good luck.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
"The in laws shouldn't let
"The in laws shouldn't let the kids use them as a tactic and they should be firmly turning them back to you and your wife in those situations."
This is where the problem is in discipline. It doesn't happen that way. What I'm most afraid of is that trend will continue if and when we don't live with the in-laws. They're a bit traditional in their thinking = it's my house my rules. It's been a while since I visited this site I was hoping thing would get better but things haven't really changed. I told my wife that I'm going to leave this house if things don't change. She took it as if I was just abandoning our relationship.
Thanks for the comments. I
Thanks for the comments. I hate it hear and I don't know how many times I have expressed that to my wife. I'm miserable. I keep reminding my wife that I didn't marry your parents so they should be involved with our matters. Nothing I can really do though.
As for the apartment thing I don't thing we can afford it. My wife doesn't want to leave the area we are in. It's a bit expensive in this city. Going rates for an apartment is from 1500 - 3000. 1500 being studio size.
Helpful
Helpful tips...
Stepparenting Survival Guide
Back in October, I thought it would be fun to survey everyone on this site for the best stepparenting advice they'd ever given or received. (See link above.) Lots of folks wrote in to describe what works for them and I think that thread is a good place to go to get some general advice and a variety of helpful ideas. Definitely check that out.
I think you are going to be at a disadvantage as long as you are living under your in-laws' roof. Your best bet, if you can't move out relatively soon, is to hone your coping skills so that you don't suffer emotionally from dealing with children who are ultimately not your responibility. You and your wife simply MUST be on the same page regarding discipline for your attempts at discipline to be anything other than hollow threats and the grandparents must not be allowed to intervene between the parents and children, especially when it comes to discipline. If you don't see that changing, then you have to learn how to safeguard your own emotional being. You'll find lots of tips for how to do that in the link above. It's a good place to start.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Feeling depressed, and need a vacation......
OMG- that sounds so similar to my situation. The difference between you and your relationship with your stepkids and MY situation is, that you can actually discipline them to one degree or another. There are ZERO consequences to my 3 stepkids. I do not also have kids of my own yet, but she is pregnant, so that is a matter of time. But yeah, these three are 6, 9, and 14. The 14 year old uses every profane word that ever came outta the devil's mouth, and every combination, including calling his mom the crudest most hateful names. (Right up to her face.) He has mellowed out a bit because I stepped in each time and got in his face- but I also got chewed out by her for it each time. So I know JUST how you feel, and we aren't even married yet!! HAH!!!!