Analysis on a situation
Hello Everyone,
I need a psychologist or psychiatrist or someone in this type of field to analyze the following for me.
My step-daughter spent this past weekend at our home. On Saturday my boyfriend had to go to work a per diem job,(off the books) that he has been doing for a few months now. My boyfriend doesn't want to tell his daughter that he is working another job because, he feels his daughter will tell his ex wife. My boyfriend told his daughter that he was going to hang out with his friends.
Well after my boyfriend left my daughter was in the living room listening to music on you tube. My step-daughter came to get me in my room because, my step-daughter wanted to hear some Hannah Montana music and my daughter was being selfish. I told my daughter to share that she had been listening to music she liked and that she should play some music my step-daughter likes. My daughter played a song, and as we were listening to the song my step-daughter comes out of no where and says that her father had bought her mother's engagement ring in the jewelry store her mother's sister use to work in. I simply replied,"oh really."
That night my step-daughters father and I were chatting online and I told him what his daughter had stated to me. I told my boyfriend not to say anything but, I explained to him that it was really annoying me that she continues to tell me things about her mother and her father. I told my boyfriend if there was anything I wanted to know about his previous relationship I would hesitate to ask him.
The next morning my boyfriend addressed it with his daughter. The reason my step-daughter states she was telling me this is because, she misses her Dad at home. My boyfriend explained to her that he understands she misses him and that is why he is fighting for more time to spend with her. My step-daughter than revealed to my boyfriend how she knows that her mother is trying to keep her from him.
My boyfriend explained to his daughter that I didn't have to hear about his prior relationship with her mother, and that it wasn't nice because, she should be thinking about my feelings. I honestly felt that maybe she was missing her mother and that is why she was telling me this but, I don't know maybe someone can analyze it and tell me otherwise. Looking forward to the analysis.
I am not a psychiatrist, but
I am not a psychiatrist, but I'll take a crack at it.
I think that a few things might be going on. First of all, she may be feeling some jealousy towards you and deliberately trying to hurt your feelings. Not to say that she's trying to be mean, but acting out a little and trying to lick her own wounds by hurting someone else.
Also, I think she may be trying to defend her mom in the only way she feels she can. Her mom may act really negative about her dad and you being together, and your sd may feel pulled in both directions sometimes. She may feel like she is sticking up for her mom by reminding you about her mom being married to her dad. This doesn't mean she doesn't like you. But kids feel very put in the middle, and sometimes they will try to make one parent happy and then turn around and do the opposite to make the other one happy.
Also, she may be seeing if she can push your buttons. She may be feeling out your sensitivity to these subjects.
In any case, the less bothered you appear, the better all the way around. If it becomes overbearing, remove yourself from the room and ignore, but don't lash back. At some point, you might kindly point out that the things she's saying don't change reality, and reality is that all of those things happened in the past.
I am not a psychiatrist, but
Hi,
Thank you for your input. In regards to the jealousy part I already know she is jealous about the relationship. I see her actions such as when her Dad and I are walking we sometimes like to hold hands. My daughter stands by my side and my boyfriends daughter will get in the middle and walk right in front of us. My boyfriend and I don't let go of our hands to let her get in. I feel she doesn't have to be jealous because, I know she is his daughter and I always tell my boyfriend your kid comes before any relationship and I am okay with that.
Maybe you could be right maybe she is testing my sensitivity chip. I think I have proven that I have been very tolerant of what she say's. The cool thing about me is that what my boyfriend's daughter fails to realize is that I don't treat other people's kids the same way I treat my own child. See my child I can express how I feel and no one is going to make me feel wrong for it. In my step-daughter's case since I know she reports everything to her mother I bite my tongue, and I let my boyfriend deal with it.
Like I say if you don't like me for your Dad then let your Dad know. I honestly don't care because, I know in my heart I am a good hearted person, and I love her Dad but, if it comes down to it I am not afraid to be alone. I was by myself for 3 1/2 years before my boyfriend came along. The other factor his daughter needs to realize is that if it's not me with her Dad it's going to be someone else because, my boyfriend has told his daughter that he doesn't have plans of getting back with her mother. I tell my boyfriend listen I have seen couples separate for 5+ years and they get back for whatever odd reason.
Looking forward to a reply from you and what other people have to say.
Just keep one thing in mind.
Just keep one thing in mind. If you want a lasting relationship with your boyfriend, then you might want to ditch the "your/my child comes first" mindset. That is a recipe for disaster, imo. Once you decide to become a family, whether you get married or not, your relationship with him has to come first. It never works when the children are allowed to take center stage and the adult relationship is subordinate to them. Children benefit from a healthy, strong, united relationship between their parents, whether it be two bio parents or a bio parent and a step. So its not like you are taking anything away from him or his daughter by wanting your relationship with your significant other to be the first priority. That is the healthiest mindset to be the best parents you can be. So just a word of caution: once you get to that level in the relationship, I would stop making it "ok" for their relationship to be more important than yours and his.
One other thing. Sometimes, invite his daughter in the center to hold both of your hands. It will make a statement to her about her being included and you also being included. If she doesn't want to hold your hand (I don't know how old she is), then keep the contact close.
How old is she? That does make a difference. I'm curious to know.
Just keep one thing in mind...
Hi,
You are right the relationship does come first. I feel selfish in a way if I act that way though. I know it must be hard for her parents to have separated but, it's not like his daughter doesn't know why they separated. The daughter has expressed that she knows why her parents have separated to her dad. Honestly, I think the jealousy stems from her mother. I think since her mother expresses her negative views about my boyfriend and me, the child I think protrays the same and it causes her to feel conflict within herself because, she remembers what her mother says and what she sees and so she is in the middle. I honestly think no one has ever told my boyfriends daughter it's okay to like someone even if someone else may not like them for whatever reason they may have. Therefore, I think it causes the child to feel confused because, here the mother is stating negative things about me but, every time I do something that doesn't correlate to the negative things her mother has put in her head then the child probably starts to feel annoyed and maybe that is why she wants to express what she wants to express.
In regards to allowing the child into the center we have but, I feel since we have let her in the past she feels its appropriate all the time. I think she doesn't realize that they are moments my boyfriend and I just want it to be us. I hope that doesn't sound selfish in anyway.
My boyfriends daughter is 9 1/2 years old. The strange thing about my step-daughter is that when me and her Dad got together, she never spoke about her mother in this way, she never wanted to be in the middle if anything she would visit and she would basically play with my daughter or her cousins or any kids that were around us. She would forget about her dad and me.
9 years old is a tough age!
9 years old is a tough age! Do you live together? If so, for how long? Can you think of anything that might have made her behavior change?
I think this is one of those things that you will have to wait out. All kids test parents, and this is pretty typical behavior for a kid. It may even help if you try to single her out for attention sometimes. Like maybe take her somewhere just the two of you once in awhile. It has to be hard to be in her shoes and feel like she is betraying her mom by being nice to you or liking you. Eventually she will get over that, but for now, she is going to have some trouble with it. Stay as cool as you can about it.
And don't feel guilty about regarding your relationship with your bf as important. You are doing a good thing for your kids by having a happy relationship as their parents. And you don't feel selfish.
My bio kids always try to get inbetween my husband and I when we sit together or hug or whatever. Sometimes we let them in and sometimes we tell them to beat it. LOL. I know that you have to be more delicate in this situation. I don't have any good advice on how to best handle this. But it would be good to have a strategy in place to let the kids know that you aren't budging for them. It would be good too if she coudl see your daughter try to get between you and not allowed to. That way she would see that she is not being singled out.
Good luck!
9 year old is a tough age!
No, my step-daughter doesn't live with us as of yet. My boyfriend is currently in a custody trial for his daughgter. I honestly think that when her father temporarily decided to suspend the visitation with her because, the mother kept falsely accussing him of phone harrassment. My boyfriend went to jail twice, and so after the second time he had decided he was gonna give up visitation permanently until step-daughter turned 18 years old because, that is what a Detective told him he did when his ex was giving him problems. When my boyfriend told me his decision I told him I was against it. I told him what if your daughter never looks for you, what if your daughter resents you for your decision. I told him let your daughter see you doing everything you can in your power to have the time that you are entitled to with your daughter. If the court decides otherwise then let the courts decide that but, for now I told him you resume the visitations after you return to court, and explain why you temporarily suspended them. I think the time my step-daughter didn't see her father, I think the mother poisened her mind more.
Thanx for all the other input it is taken under consideration.
My SD does this a lot...
Once upon a time, during our custody case, SD would bring BM into EVERY single conversation. It was terribly annoying. It was even more so knowing that SD was not permitted to even utter any of our names at her mom's. And had been "trained" to stop thinking about us at all over there, but at the same time was conditioned to think about BM through tons of phone calls and BM's always having a new gadget or shopping spree for SD when she went back. At that time SD and my relationship was very good. So I bit my tongue about it for a while.
Then one day at the grocery store with DH, SD, me and Anna, I noticed that SD only mentioned things about BM when DH would go off to get something away from where SD, Anna and I were. As soon as he would walk down a different aisle, SD would say, "Mom likes this cereal....mom always orders her eggs scrambled....mom hates those bagels....mom LOVES ready bacon...." On and on and on...but only when it was US.
So FINALLY, on my hundredth "that's nice," SD observed, "I've been talking about my mom a lot huh..."
I said, "Well....yes. You may want to think about what's worth sharing there. I mean, if you have a great time going to a movie or something with your mom, then that's a good thing to share. But I'm thinking I really don't need to know what kind of bacon, bagels, eggs, or cereal she likes or hates. Unless you think she'll be joining us for breakfast soon?"
This made SD laugh. This was back when I could do such a thing, when SD valued me as a loving parent in her life.
Now I would likely tell her to stop obsessing over BM and leave me out of it!
I have fallen from grace, haven't I?
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
MY SD does this alot....
I don't have a problem if my step-daughter wants to share an outing or anything fun her mom did for her but, I just feel that I don't need to hear about your father and your mother's past from you the child. I feel if I had any questions regarding my boyfriends past with his ex I would ask him directly.
I think it is just rude, and I am sure if you were being taught correctly you wouldn't have to be told from anyone how rude it is. I don't know if you get what I mean. I mean don't get me wrong kids may do the darnest things, and sometimes you are at the moment to see the child do it and correct it.
If I bit my tongue when the child was telling me things about her parents past it's because, I know the child tells her mother everything and instead of the mother looking at things with an objective eye instead of trying to find the wrong in everything then I wouldn't have let my boyfriend tell her anything, I would do it myself. Unfortunately, this is how things are and my boyfriend says that when the child lives with us things will get better because, we she won't be in that same environment anymore.
Thanx for the story lets me feel like I am not alone.
I hear ya
BM's taste in food was just one easy example. SD used to get peeved at me or DH and dig out 8x10s of DH and BM together and post them all over her room. Then when it was BM she was mad at they would come down. SD also used to try to point out every trip we took, "We came here with Mom didn't we?" Or we'll be having dinner or playing a game and she would constantly announce, "Mom said this....Mom would have done that..."
ALL the time. It's not the same as the past, but SD did that too. It was just usually a negative, like, "Remember the time mom pulled a knife on herself in front of me?" OR she will make fun of BM trying to bond with us. Some of it is natural to come out. OCCASIONALLY my sons will say, "That's what my dad thought," Or "Remember when dad..." But it is very rare. I think it's because they have an excellent relationship with all of us so they don't feel the need to constantly bring up the absent parent.
SD was interjecting BM constantly. She still does it but DH calls her on it now. I think at times SD did it because she wanted me to like her mom in some way or something. To validate her mom for her.
Don't even get me started on both SD and BM's need for external validation. They would sell their sole to anyone who promised that one.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
i just said this elsewhere
i just said this elsewhere but...
has your bf sat his daughter down and explained that his love for her is not changed or depleted by loving you too? my sd did the same things about a year ago - literally would squeeze up between us on the couch to assert her "place" and puch me away. she did other things too, but after a couple of discussions about a better way to get attention and how dad's love their kids no matter who else they love, she has really opened up to me more. she needed to hear that we weren't in competition.
another factor is that i am very vocal when we are alone about how i wish to be treated and how i see my role in our house. that helps my fdh understand where i am coming from as well.
it doens't sound like she is against you or trying to split you up, just that she is unsure of her place and how it relates to your place.
I just said this elsewhere
Do you think that if she were our bio child it would be different? I only say this because, I don't ever recall my Bio daughter ever doing things like this when I was with her Dad or my other relaionship before this one.
My step-daughger spends EOW with us, when she comes around I tend to let her have as much time with her Dad as possible to make up for the weekend she didn't see him. I mean we see her dad 5 days a week so, it is the least I can do but, they are moments in which her inappropriateness as I call it is not called for. I mean if she wants attention then simply say you want attention don't do things that seem inappropriate gestures. I don't know I just would rather hear it from the horses mouth then beat around the bush.
What do you mean when you
What do you mean when you say that you tend to let her have as much time as possible with her dad? Does that mean that you and your daughter do your own thing as much as possible and then your bf and your sd spend time together? If so, I don't think that is a working strategy when trying to blend families. I think it works best when you do your best to behave as any family would. Which means you all spend time together and don't make a habit of dividing between biological ties. If she is used to getting her dad's undivided attention when she's with him, then she's going to be more likely to resist your interference. If she realizes that hey, this is a family, and I'm an important part of that, then maybe she'll eventually relax and find that she's really lucky.
You sound like you're really trying to do the right thing. It's a long process, but worth it!!
What do you mean when you
Basically, my boyfriend picks his daughter up from school on Friday's and he takes her back to his job. He does homework with her for that day and he will take her to the movies or out to dinner. Some Friday's we will meet up but, most of the time that is there time. Saturdays we get up have breakfast and what ever activity me and my boyfriend have planned for the girls we go and do. This is the day we all spend it together. Sundays we have breakfast all together and then we either go to my boyfriends sister's house or we go to my mom's house. Monday my boyfriends returns his daughter to school. I feel we incorporate a little of everyone so, no one feels left out.
Closer to you.
I have an amazing relationship with my daughter and maybe you could be right. I have attempted on many occassions to do things with my SD and my daughter without my boyfriend. My SD will be like oh why can't my dad come along? I explain because, its girl time. I took her to the movies once and my boyfriend had fallen asleep as we were leaving my SD is like why don't we wake him up? I explained because, he is tired and he needs the rest. i felt like I wanted to open the doors for her so, she could feel like part of the family. After that incident any activity we do its all of us. I mean I could attempt it again and see if things have changed and maybe his daughter will be different.
Closer to you.
My step-daughter doesn't have to feel jealous of my relationship with my daughter because, the relationship I have with my daughter is unavoidable. You will feel closer with your own because, they are your own. As far as my step-daughter and her mother I know that my step-daughter resents her mother but, why I really don't know? I mean it could be because, of the whole situation but, since I am not in the household I can't really say. I think she loves her mom but, she knows that her mom doesn't want her to spend time with her father. Basically, her mother hinders her relationship with her father.
How do you bond with a child that isn't yours? I honestly let my actions speak for me and when my step-daughter is ready I feel she will come around at least I hope.
My SD used to do this....
She doesn't do it as much now, but she used to just randomly say things about when her mom and dad where together. The funny thing is, my DH broke things off with BM before SD was even born. But SD has heard the stories from BM, and liked to repeat them to me at what seemed to be random times. One time she just blurted out that her dad had given her mom an engagement ring (which, actually isn't even true, but whatever).
It did really bug the crap out of me, but I tried to not let her see that. I think it was just her way of reconciling that her mom and dad aren't together and don't really like eachother. She wants to think that they at least once did love eachother. I happen to know the truth (that BM and DH dated for 3 whole months; that my stupid DH believed BM when she said she was infertile; and that SD is the result of his naivety). But I can understand why SD feels the need to believe a different story.
MY SD used to do this.....
Honestly, if my step daughter gave that explaination as to the reason why she does what she does that I would understand more. Or if she told me I missed my mom I would be okay with it. The reason my SD states she was telling me the stories is because, she missed her Dad at home. Now her reasoning behind it doesn't make sense because, you could have easily told your Dad the stories and not me. The other thing is she would tell me the stories when her father wasn't around. I don't mean to be funny in anyway but, it just doesn't make sense. I don't know if it's suppose to make sense. I appreciate all of the stories and all of the advice.
SD can't understand why she says it!
My SD didn't give me any explanation for why. And no one ever asked her why. It just stopped eventually.
She also was always saying the things when DH was not around.
These kids, most of them, have had kind of a tough time. I think its okay to indulge their mom/dad fantasies to a point. Saying that mom/dad used to love eachother, were engaged, etc....that makes the past relationship btwn mom & dad more of a reality to them. Besides bruising our feelings a bit, it really does no harm to us. As long as they grow out of it eventually, I see no harm in it.
"I miss my dad" explanation
Also, "I miss my dad" is the explanation she gave her dad when pressed about it.
I'm sure she doesn't know exactly why she said it, except that she wants her mom and dad to be together. And saying to Dad, "I said it because I miss you," is a safe explanation that will be met with understanding from him. I'm sure she doesn't even completely understand her motives!
Its really hard hearing those kind of things, I feel for you.