The only relationship I want to have with the BM is the bottom of my shoe connected to her butt.

I wrote a paper like that in one of my last classes for college. Of course there were academic guidlines to follow but I included more than what that article did. My paper had the viewpoints of Birth mothers, step mothers, and the childrens. Im assuming that whoever wrote that had to take on an unbiased viewpoint but they definiately could have made it more helpful. With my paper being for a class, it really had parts of self-help for all partys.

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" ~ Milton Berle

But I wouldn't have said that four years ago. If we could have overcome our respective egos sooner, I probably could have had a reasonable working relationship with BM. I now wish I had done more to try to make that happen back then, but as it is, we enjoy a respectful co-existence now after many years of hostility. We still piss each other off, but we don't wage all-out war anymore.

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Well I can say that the SD's BM and I will never be friends because I can't stand the sight of her. I can say that I have the shoe on the other foot when it comes to my sons BF. His GF and I get along great...the 2 of us talk on the phone and dis him whenever we get the chance! LOL My son loves her which makes it a lot easier for me. The GF he had before her I would have liked to do the same thing as bellacita!! }:)

I actually get along very well with my sd's mom. It wasn't that way at first, but we were able to maintain a level of civility that gradually eased its way into something better. We're not "friends" but we are friendly and chat easily when we see one another. I am glad, as that has eased my life a great deal. I no longer worry about being perceived as the enemy, and I don't have to perceive her that way anymore. It is such a blessing! It was hard work, but to those of you struggling with this, just know that every relationship can improve with enough work and effort. In my case, it about killed me, but it has been well worth it!

I think you need to differentiate between the word 'friends' with 'friendly.' While I have a great relationship with my sd's bm, I don't consider her my friend. We get along, are able to discuss what we need to discuss, show a polite but shallow interest in one another's lives. It has worked very well because now that she doesn't view me as the enemy, everything is much smoother and I don't feel like she is trying to alienate me from sd anymore. So don't think you have to make this person your bff in order to improve the working relationship with her. Like I said before, all relationships can improve, and if it makes your life better to get along with someone a little more, then why not?

It was a lengthy process. I think it started when I began ignoring her attempts to upset me. It began when I found little ways to compliment her, even if it was something very simplistic. It began to change when my attitude towards her softened, and she could see it. It began when I approached her and asked her for advice occasionally. Something like, "how do you handle this when it happens at your house?" (Most of the time I had to grit my teeth whenever I talked to her, but I didn't let her know it). Eventually I picked up the phone and called her when it became necessary, rather than having dh do it. I was courteous and polite to a fault, even if what she was saying was not. I was careful to say really nice things about her to my sd, knowing that it had a good chance of getting back to her. When there was a major disagreement, I stayed out of it (as far as she knew) and let dh handle it.

All those little things accumlated and bm realized I wasn't evil. She started changing her attitude towards me and now we're at the point where we can chat for 15-20 minutes about stuff when we see one another with no problem. All this was a process of about 2 years.

While it was hard on me and it took some major work, I maintain that it was all well worth it. Now that bm and I get along, there is almost zero drama. We can focus on our family without feeling like she is always involved. It saved my marriage.

I read the part about the Biomom. Whoever wrote this is really out of touch. I have always read the opposite, in fact. I have read many times that step moms & bio moms should be cordial when they see each other in front of the kids (of course) but other than that, any communication should be left up to her & DH. And I have to say that I agree. Any attempt for me to communicate with biomom has been a disaster at best! We are at the point now that we should have gotten a restraining order on her years ago-so in our case, we are dealing with a total nut job.

I agree that it can't work in every case, but I see no problem with a stepmom and a biomom having a good working relationship. I realize not every bm is going to get on board, but in my case, I felt it was worthwhile to try. I totally disagree that bm's and stepmom's should avoid contact if they are both able to communicate in a reasonable way. The children only benefit from all the adult parental figures in their lives come together and parent as a team. True, if the bm and stepmom can't communicate without drama, then it needs to be kept to a minimum, but I like to think that all of this is a work in progress. If I had to live the rest of my life the way I did during the first few years of my marriage, I would never have been able to stay married. It had to improve or else I had to leave it behind. So I decided it was worth the effort.

It was really tricky when the new babies came along because she was pretty hateful about that. I think my oldest was about 3 before she ever even glanced in his direction. I like to see it as a war of attrition. You avoid big battles and win a little bit at a time. I even asked the bm if she was holding any grudges against me. I opened up that dialogue with her after awhile to try to finally clear the air. After she got some things off her chest and I told her that I understood, she started acting even better.

And I am appalled that ANYONE would think it is okay for a bm to have a key to your home. That violates everything in this world that is sacred. WRONG. I don't give a key to my best friend, and I certainly wouldn't give a key to a woman who has every reason to want to snoop through my belongings.

I work with DH on parenting, and he works with BM, although I can talk to her, and have, if need be. I just avoid it b/c let's face it, the dynamics are dang complicated, and btw I don't really like her and I'm not real good at being genuinely friendly to people I don't like, no matter how hard I try. The article says 'work together' -- well, what does that mean, 'work together'? She has a totally different outlook on parenting and life etc. etc. from me, so who am I to engage her about her children? I engage DH and, as it happens, DH and I share parenting philosophies, so he carries the ball in most of the co-parenting communication, representing both of us. Most of the time, though, it's I who tell him "BM needs to know about this piece of info, we need to communicate re: this, pls. send an email" so the funny thing is that it really is mostly BM and I that are coordinating on the day to day details, it's just through DH. I tried the direct route, and frankly the dynamics are just too weird; we are too different in the way we move through the world. It is too fraught with peril, too ripe with latent conflict, and just not good for me, for her, or for the kids.

However, we definitely are "on the same team" in the sense that BM respects that I too am 'parenting' the children. She has always been good about that, and I respect that, even when I cannot stand her. She cc:s me on co-parenting emails big and small, calls me directly from time to time, would listen if I had an issue or answer if I have a question (I rarely have either) -- albeit with a grudge she probably wouldn't admit to herself. And I in turn respect that she is my SS and SD's mother, and I spend lots of time making sure that she receives key information and that the two households work together to manage the children's lives and keep them healthy and happy. I'm guessing she probably knows this, but the arrangement seems to work fine for everyone at present. We say hi nicely when we see each other, and sometimes discuss little things about the kids, but otherwise I don't feel the need, nor do I want to, talk about anything else going on in my world or hers. So I think I am a step behind "friends" or even as much "friendly" as some, but I feel just fine about the level of relationship. I think it is right where it needs to be for the kids' best interests, except for that 5% of the time when she goes off the deep end on some big drama bender. Fewer and farther between, knock on wood!!

There are 2 things I don't get on this, and I have seen them stated before:

1. children should be assured that a stepmother plays a different role although she may have some "mothering" responsibilities - to avoid negative feelings toward the SM.

Ok, does the kid not know who their mom is? do they really think they get an extra mom and are worried about that in some way? Its like we have to bend over backwards to be non-threatening to a child now, plus the mom, really anyone in any way, and I get enough of that as a woman at my job, etc. already, ya know?

2. A strong bond may exist between a husband and his children from a prior marriage. Jealousy can be avoided if stepmothers realize and accept this early in the relationship.

Our BM accuses me of being jealous of my SD. Yeah, I wish I was 16 again, broke and can't drive or do anything without someone's permission? please. What I do have a problem with is when the kid comes to bleed us dry for whatever she can get out of us (me really since DH money is already gone to pay her mom), is lazy, does not help, and complains and I am not allowed to say anything about her bad attitude etc. without it being a problem with her mom. How is that me being jealous of a child?

I just had to get this out. I am trying to dispel these stereotypes! To me swallowing these 'truths' is just catering to someone who is trying to control you anyway, even if they are an ex-wife or a child. And that is not happening!! thanks for listening

2.

you had some great points, I do love my step son and i think we get along great, i cant think of anything bad to say about him.I do not always agree with my husbands parenting skills,
we look at parenting very diffreantly, so maybe sometimes its not the kids that have the problems, its how the bio PARENT handles situations.( and I'm just as guilty of not handeling MY kids the way i should) as far as the BM goes, i have told my hubby MANY TIMES,it is NOT MY PLACE to make pease with HER, she is nobody to me,
I am the one in her childs life she should be the one making the first step to set things right. I feel if there was another woman in my childs life, i would take the incentive to make the first move and set the ground rules with her direct not threw my EX. you bet I want to get to know her.my SS BM has never once tried to get to know me,the one and only time we actually had a conversation didnt go well at all!!!!!!!!and we were served papers 2 weeks after that. i havent spoken to her since last july.