Little annoyance, how do you handle?
I cook most of the meals consumed in our house, as well as do ALL the grocery shopping. Since SD was 8 she has driven me crazy about meals. She used to come in the kitchen while I was cooking and ask what I was making. Fine at first, but then she would go to my husband and try to convince him to let her eat something else (because she's so damn picky). So meals turned into a battle before they were even served.
I finally stopped telling her what I was making, which started a new argument as husband thought I was being mean and should just answer her questions. If I was making tacos and had hamburger, taco seasoning, taco shells, cheese, and refried beans out she would ask what I was making. Hello, it's pretty obvious. Same with something simple and unmistakable like spaghetti or scrambled eggs.
Now SD is 15 and most days husband lets her eat whatever she wants, regardless of the fact that I have put time and effort into making a meal for the entire family. It's annoying with two BDs who are told they have to eat what I prepare, but I have given up.
My current pet peeve is SD getting in the middle of what I'm cooking to find out on her own. She won't help me, just hinder me. For example, while I'm in the fridge getting an ingredient she's talking the lid off a pot of boiling water to see what's inside or opening the hot oven. The other night I told her to stop and she got all huffy. My feeling is, if you're not going to help, stay out of the way. All you're going to do is complain. And sure enough, she convinced her father to let her "take a walk" and didn't come back for more than an hour. And she didn't eat the dinner I made. I think she went to a friend's house and got them to feed her.
Does anyone else have this problem? Maybe I'm a bit territorial about my kitchen, but it's annoying to have someone underfoot who only intends to complain about what I'm making and not help in any way.
Want my two cents?
Stop doing the cooking, and seriously, only cook for yourself. The next thing I would do is say... okay, SD. What do YOU want to cook today? And seriously, make her cook, go sit on the couch. Hell, I'd go out to dinner... for one please.
Stop buying anything and everything that 'she likes', you know. Only necessary ingredients for specific meals.
“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”
This bugs the mess out of me too
But I like the suggestion of asking SD to plan meals. My DH is the same way and does not even attempt to have SD eat with everyone else, hell half the time she makes something for herself before she even knows what we are preparing for dinner. Ugggg, don't like my DH today at all!
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Kitchen
Get out of my kitchen.
This is a term that everyone I know understands. It was told to me when my mother & grandmother were cooking. It is what I say to anybody that comes into my kitchen when I'm cooking... even my cats understand & get out. When I'm cooking, no one is allowed, because I'm busy, I'm not paying attention to people/animals coming & going, & someone might get hurt/burned. It's legitimate. No one is allowed in the kitchen when I'm cooking. No way. No how. Accuse me of being mean & I'll tell you I'd rather be mean than have to drive someone to the hospital because of a careless accident BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS IN MY WAY!
As for the 15YO eating what you cook, is this really worth the battle & all your energy?
Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"
Oh MY GOD! You have touched on something
Maybe the ONE and ONLY thing that I don't believe I have worked into any of my posts!!!!! I so GET this one.
My issues with SD and food, and the constant questioning of what she will get to eat, when she will get to eat it, and why she can't have everything she wants when she wants it have been driving me crazy for YEARS!
I have posted about her questioning before as in
SD- can I have cereal for breakfast?
ME- Yes
SD- Juice?
Me- Yes
SD- Toast?
Me- YES
SD- A bagel instead?
Me- YESSSSSS
SD- Waffles??????
Me- NO!!!! Choose from the first four things you asked for!!!!!!!!
This is the same dialog for EVERY day- breakfast, lunch, snacks...UGH.
Except DINNER. Dinner is where we have consistently drawn a line in the sand from day one.
SO...like you said Elizabeth, when I am boiling water, cutting up romaine lettuce, have sauce simmering, a loaf of bread and a box of rigatoni on the counter....WHY must SD ASK what's for dinner????? EVERY flippin' night????? Like you said there could be onions, cheese grated, sour cream, taco shells, ground beef simmering and a empty packet of taco seasoning on the counter and SD says, "What's for dinner??????"
This from the child who is so compelled to state the obvious to me daily because she thinks I am an incompetent parent who can't deduce things?????
UGH. Some nights I really want to answer, "I'll tell you what's for dinner....the next child who's not bright enough to complete the equation
pasta + boiling water + spaghetti sauce + bread + salad =
THAT child is what's for dinner. ANY more QUESTIONS?????"
Of course I am dreaming as I am far to refined a step mother to ever utter the evil thoughts that fly into my brain. Maybe I'll just keep Cru's frying pan handy. Does it work on teenagers too?
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
I don't know why, but
When I'm cooking and my H comes home and asks me what I'm cooking, it bugs me. It did when my ex asked me the same question. I really don't know why that bugs me so much. I guess that's one of my little offbeat quirks.
My DH cooks all the meals in our house...
I cook only when I feel like it
Maybe once a week at the most.
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY KITCHEN!
I don't let anyone in the kitchen when I am cooking. I'm way territorial, too, but it's also a safety issue. Someone's going to get stepped on, cut, burnt or hurt and it's probably going to be me. When I'm cooking, I like to be undisturbed. No one is allowed underfoot when I'm in the kitchen cooking. Period. My kids know this and so do my skids and, believe me, they all stay away when I'm there working.
I just hate it that your DH is setting such a bad example for your two BD's. He's teaching his younger two daughters that they don't matter, only SD matters. And the really sad thing is that SD will never appreciate it. If your DH thinks that someday SD will be a better person for all he favors her, he's wrong. He's creating a monster and in the end, he will have lost not only her, but also you and your two BD's. He's one of the DH's on here that I would love to just smack into next week.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Its my kitchen
I am the same way. No kids in the kitchen when I am cooking. Also NO ONE can say "eeeewwww" at the table. That is the rudest thing. If they dont like then they dont have to put it on their plate, but DO NOT make faces or say yuck at the table...especially after I worked my butt off to prepare a meal!
And my mom and Grandmother had no problem telling me to "go play" or "get out of the kitchen" while the adults were preparing the meal!!! My kids are used to it - but the skids still need to work on it.
I generally do not cook for FSS
because he's really picky. Usually FH cooks for everyone when he's around. FSS is a vegetarian and often says the dreaded "EW" when we eat meat or really anything that he doesn't like even though I have repeatedly told him what's on someone else's plate is none of your business. I sorta tune him out a lot or go "Mmmmm, this is so good, you don't know what you are missing." He seems to be getting a bit more adventurous. We'll see.
On the plus side he likes to cook for others which is nice during weekend brunches. It's really sweet to have breakfast made to order, even, though at 12 he doesn't usually get it perfect, but he gets an A for effort.
I tend to have as little to do with the kitchen as possible when he's around. Truth is he cooks like his dad. It's hard for me to watch either one shopping garlic, I wanna step in and get it done already! Both move pretty slow. I guess I tend to cook alone no matter whose around.
I guess I'm just mean
Ha! This one hits home. One trick I learned was to give a stupid answer to a stupid question (and yes, Gen Y, there ARE stupid questions!)
"What's for dinner?" when the taco shells are out with all the fixins and the house smells like Mexican food.
My response, completely deadpan "LASAGNA."
After a few rounds of this they'll get the idea.
It also works to tell the picky teenager that she is not allowed to have any of the dinner, or she can only eat if she sits at the table with everyone else. This works best if you get rid of all the snacks from the cupboard first.
The food issues are not about food. It's all a power game. So take back the power.
Same here
Mine doesn't always come over to look in the pots or oven...most of the time she'll just plant herself in the middle of the kitchen and then stand there looking like her brain has gone on vacation. Geez get the h*ll out of the way if your not going to help.
What bugs me the most is when we get out of bed on the weekends...yes sometimes she does haul her lazy butt out of the bed early, but usually goes right back to bed after eating...anyway a little off on another rant there...ok so what bugs me is when we all get up and she plops her butt at the kitchen table and looks at DH or I and asks "what are you making me for breakfast"? WTF?? She's 19 do it yourself! I have a 9yo BS that is not as helpless (or should I say lazy) as she is! Worst part is BH will usually start making something for her.
Doo-Doo
i do the cooking and usually they come in as i am finishing dinner up. it used to really aggravate me when they asked what i was making and there were obviously noodles and sauce out, I started answering with my mom's old answer "doo-doo"
they don't ask as much anymore, and when i tell them we are having doo-doo for dinner they can get their "ew --- gross " out of the way without offending the chef. I only make one meal. they can eat it or not, but they can't be rude about the effort and time it took to make it. if they TRULY don't like something they can stop after a bite or two. we also work on portions and letting them decide when they are "full" if they are full with 90% of the plate still full, no snacks no treats 10 mintues later. if they "decide" not to eat, they know that it is on them - me and dh are not the bad guys.
i don't generally mind them in the kitchen because they have showed an interest in cooking and helping. it is way easier to get them to help pitch in on dishes if they get some pride in helping make the dish. There are definitely times when i shoo them aay after a hug or other greeting, but that isn't the norm. i am more territorial about where things are located in the kitchen than who hovers aroun to talk. 9 times out of 10 they just want to tell me something that happened in their day and the "what's for dinner" is the conversation starter.
It's a Control Thing
Wow, you've hit a nerve here. I had exactly the same problems. I would cook or plan to cook something for dinner and SD would say "I had that last night" and DH would actually go out and buy her fast food!
I would come home with bags of groceries and SD would rummage through sacks, take things out and not lift a finger to bring the groceries in the kitchen. When I told her to wait - I was being "mean".
Holidays were the worst! I would plan a wonderful dinner and SD would come in the middle of preparing and want canned cranberry sauce instead of fresh or green been casserole instead of roasted veggies. She left early 1 Thanksgiving because she didn't feel "welcome".
Once food was on the table, SD would put her nose to the serving dish, sniff and ask what was in it.
I gave up on family dinners. DH constantly gave SD fast food and now she is a good 50 lbs overweight, 20 something. After SD left our home (thank God) I began entertaining again and truly enjoy cooking for DH and our friends. Again, it's SD's loss.
Glynne
Age old question.
What's for dinner?
Food.
What kind of food?
The kind you eat. You have eyes and and you have a nose, if you can't figure it out on your own, why should I explain it?
I used to struggle with the same things
I don't have to cook for any one else anymore, but when I read all of your posts it occured to me how my own on going frustrations would infuse into my responses. I have a 3 year old now. I give her choices before I make her a meal. You can have cereal or eggs. She says yogurt. I think about it and decide, sure that's easy. Breakfast solved.
I can see as she's older, involving her in larger meals. So, maybe once a week she gets to pick what we make. So Thursday's is her choice. We eat pizza with chocolate chips, (on the side)
Maybe having the kids involved in the meal planning, writing down the grocery list, shopping and then helping to make the meal, at least once a week might help.
I learned that I couldn't not cook, or eat in my room. I am the adult and I am the one setting examples. There were many means they pushed around their plates but I wasn't willing to do everything around them, only work a little bit together.
Jeez
I had to do this too, except something my SD LOVED one week, I'd make the next time she was over (a week later), and she would HATE it. It always changed. Then...she would put things on the grocery list that were only "hers" and no one else could eat it. I don't miss that!
This food thing at my house
has gotten totally out of hand. Last night I made mashed potatoes, with turkey, creamed corn and beans. (not all together). SD would only eat the turkey, she said she "didn't like home made mashed potatoes", and "only regular corn not creamed". WTF??? Mashed potatoes out of a box do have a far more developed flavor I guess. :sick: Dh allowed her to make herself something else to go with the turkey and apologized to her for not doing it himself, he was just too tired. I am sick sick sick of this BS! This is such a power play for SD and DH refuses to see it. I don't know what to do about this anymore but I have had it!
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Another parallel pet peeve
SD won't eat any vegetables. So when I make a dinner that have vegetables in it she picks out all the meat and eats it and doesn't leave any for anyone else. And my husband NEVER says anything! Last night I made chicken fajitas (with bell pepper and onions). SD picked out all the chicken, so when I went back to get a second fajita (that's right, I only had one), there was no chicken left. Just a ton of vegetables. Damn it!
Next time.. you should do
Next time.. you should do what my mom does because of my BIL. She portions out everyone's meal. She literally walks around the table w/whichever pot, and gives everyone an equal share. Then if there is meat, she puts so much on each plate. IF there are leftovers, those go on the table.
You might want to start doing that, to ensure that you guys get enough to eat and that piggy sd will learn that the meal isnt JUST the meat nor JUST for her!!!
I might have to try that
What I have taken to doing is, at a minimum, make sure BDs 4 and 1 have been served first. Then SD can't take their food (which she would do). Then I serve myself next and leave husband and SD to fend for themselves. Problem is, he lets her take whatever. The other night I made hot dogs and didn't make one for SD because she doesn't eat them and has informed husband she "only eats chicken." So BDs and I are eating and husband asks where his hot dog is. SD took it. So he went without, and he didn't say a word to her. Whatever!
He complained once that a box of macaroni and cheese is too small for our family. I just flat out told him it wasn't. It's not my problem that SD will ONLY eat mac and cheese when I make it and not the rest of the meal. If he wants more, he should make sure SD doesn't take thirds. She's sneaky. She eats what would be a normal-size first portion, then goes back for seconds. Then, once that is done, she goes back for thirds and eats that (usually the rest of the pan) at the stove where husband can't see her. He gets up for seconds and, lo and behold, it's all gone. So it must not be enough!
Umm...
I understand your perspective, but I think you (or whoever in the family cooked) should serve everyone together including DH and SD. If there are leftovers then give them permission to go back for more, or go serve them.
I do this to 1.control portion sizes and ensure everyone gets something 2.to keep dirty fingers out of the food (I'm a germophobe) and 3.so there is less mess.
The sight of 5 SKIDS swarming over food disgusts me. I have also been embarrassed by them at other peoples homes when they have swarmed all over food before anyone else is served. Now I ask DH to help me serve and seat the skids before we have our meal. I think other people eating from the same table appreciate this.
seconds thirds fourths
When I first met DH SD would rush through her meal in order to try to eat everything leftover. What I mean is, in her way of thinking, whoever finished first got the REST. Over the past four years we have "trained" her to stop at seconds, and no seconds til EVERYONE is finished with FIRSTS. And if we were at a party (my baby shower comes to mind) and someone brought fresh fruit, in this case it was strawberries, I have to tell her ONE serving (not "helping" as SD thinks that means "heaping!") There's not enough for everyone to eat 10 strawberries. Watermelon is her other fruit vise. Oh- and now when I buy fresh apples I hide them in the same bag as the week old ones because if SD sees a new bag, then automatically the older apples are now unfit for consumption. Only the best for SD in her mind. After a few times of me not buying apples because one or two were left that MIGHT need a bruise cut out of them before eating, she got the message too.
That's a BM influence there for sure. “I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
I have noticed this with my sd too
We have gone to parties and such where sd would eat only one item, but tons of it. We were at a picnic with 50 other people, each family brought a covered dish. I made one of SD favorites and its an easy dish to take to these types of things. SD loaded her plate with only that and went back 2 times for full plates before others even had a chance to get through the line for the first time. If she gets candy, like a big bag or she will get several packs of chewy candy or something and eat the whole thing in 10 minutes.
I don't know if any of that is terribly abnormal but I have just never seen a kid do that kind of thing. I guess it just boils down to limits and boundries, sd has never had any so it's normal behavior for her.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Glad to hear
Am I glad to hear that I'm not the only one with a Skid that is a glutton!! We came home from the cottage Sunday night and had brought our leftovers home with us. They never even made it to the fridge. SD19 had them in the microwave as soon as they were unpacked. Thing is they would have made 2 meals for me but she ate it all and then went looking for more after that! Since she came home from University in April out grocery bill has gone from about 700 a month for the 3 of us (Me, DH and 9 yo bioson and man those 2 guys can eat) to 1300 for 4 of us. It's gone up 600 a month since she got back. I actually saved the grocery reciepts last month to prove it to DH because he didn't believe me when I told him how much she is eating. I told him the other day "and you wonder why she looks 5 months pregnant?"
My dh made pancakes one
My dh made pancakes one morning for breakfast. The skids had already had a bowl of cereal each. We all sit down for breakfast#2 for the skids and 1 for Dh and I. My dh put 2 pancakes on each of the skids plates and 3 on each of ours.
I finished my 3 pancakes before sd9 finished her 1st one (probably because they were still full from Breakfast #1).. She see me reach for 1 more pancake (the silver dollar kind) of which there were 5 more, she freaks.. proceeds to fold her remaining pancake in half then half again and SHOVED THE WHOLE THING IN HER MOUTH.. then as she is TRYING to chew this she is reaching for more pancakes.
Needless to say dH and I said something, lest she choke to death.. I had no appetite after seeing that and left the table.
By the way, I am an average size.. not morbidly obese and therefore children should not fear that I will eat EVERYTHING before they can have more.
And they say we are not mothers!
THe kitchen is were many of us feel we are entitled to our space, and I can tell you I don't like even my DH mucking around in mine... he knew after a month of marriage not to get too involved in mine
I'm so glad to hear this is a common thing. I struggled with mealtime with my SS4 for the first couple months , but then we had him for a week b/c the BM went on vacation... without him. And needless to say, I could not take the whining any longer. He would turn his nose up at everything I gave him... and we are talking hot dogs and chicken nugget kid friendly food, and beg and whine for something- anything sweet. I totally stopped buying candy or anything snack related when he's around, or he will refuse to eat a real meal of any sort. So, the week that we had him, (my DH had to work and I stayed home) so it was me and him. There were some real tantrums and kicking fits over not wanting to eat any any growing foods, and instead wanting candy and ice cream. But, after day two he totally started to realize that I was serious. Or, maybe he just started to really get hungry.. either way, children will not actually starve to death. They will eat when hungry.
I am so lucky too that my DH backed me up , or I swear to you that we would still be dealing with the tantrums today, but he said, hey you are the one dealing with him all day, why should things change when I get home? We will try it your way, and see if it helps. Thank goodness, because now, he knows he has to eat what is put out, and I don't have to work double when he visits.
The way I really got thru is that I would offer breakfast, and if he didn't eat it I would not force him, but no snacks till lunch. by lunch he would be hungry enough to eat something healthy, or if not then no snacks again till dinner, and so on. If he refused dinner, we let him know that he could go to bed. It sounds mean, but it gives a confused child some tangible rules, and peace of mind for our new family unit. Also since the food situation has been solved, he shows more respect and it seams like he accepts the family structure on our end.
About the first post, Unless you can get your DH to see your point ( you may have to manipulate a bit) you probably will not have any sucses , especially with a 15yrold. The one thing that is troublesome about that is that SD does not have to follow the same rules as the BDs. I would say try to make the playing field more even, and either let the BDs eat what SD is eating, or only allow SD to eat what that rest of you are having ( and dont have anything else on hand that she would feel like making. Good luck!