Step Daughter
Hello all,
I am taking this opportunity to write down my thoughts and maybe get some helpful replies from people in a similar situation.
I have been married for 3 years, I have an 8 yr old son and 12 yr old step daughter.
The relationship between myself, my son and my wife is great. Sure we have ups and downs but don't we all.
My problem is, I cannot get along with my step daughter. I met her mum when she was 3 and in the early years there was no problem at all. However with time I have grown further away from her.
She is not the worlds worst child but she doesn't seem to respect anything I ask of her. This has lead to the smallest issues causing me to be angry.
She knows exactly how to play her mum off against me and because her mum considers that I am horrible to her, her mum always takes her side. Her mum has tried supporting me but in the end she gets fed up because I always seem to be 'picking' at her.
I take my son out every weekend but I don't take my step daughter - she does go places too, but not with me. In the past when my wife has asked me to take her I have simply said no, I don't want to.
I know the problem is me, but I just don't want to take her anywhere, I don't want to buy her anything, I don't want to talk to her. Why? Feeble excuse but she is always naughty and 'recovery' never seems to happen. By recovery I mean if my son is naughty it is easy to forgive him.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go to the shop and buy sweets for one and not the other, I buy for both but only because I should - not because I want to.
Often she goes to her nans' for the weekend etc and life at home is bliss, however this is her home too.
It has now reached the stage where I have said, I am not happy and I know her attitude etc will get worse before it gets better. I cannot live in this environment for the next 5,6,7 years so I am moving out.
It's a real shame I have to move out, a shame for me, my son and my wife but my home is not a happy place due to constant tension.
I don't blame the step daughter, if I felt the same way about her as I do about my son then I could no doubt accept her ways - but that is not the case.
Because of the way things are, I stay out longer than I need to, sometimes driving round, sometimes visiting friends and relatives - just to avoid having to go home until she is in bed.
I will accept responsibility for the break-up of my marriage which may or may not be a result of me moving out but I simply cannot face staying.
I would also like to add that whenever I am away from home, working or whatever I think about my step daughter frequently, I want to be friends with her, I really feel like getting on, I appreciate her but only until I see her!
The other thing is that when no one else is around, just me and her or me her and my son, things are much better. Why? I believe it is because she behaves when there is no one else present AND because I am not gagged, there is no pressure on me.
I don't see how anything anyone can say on here could change anything but I do look forward to hearing your comments.
Thanks
Mr X
I cannot
for the life of me, imagine putting a child in the middle of this. You are hurting this child to no end and I think you are completely right to leave. Moving on is sometimes the wisest decision. Good luck.
SD
As a step daughter myself, here are the problems I had with my SF at that age (see if this fits you)...
First, he decided I was a bad kid & a failure before he even knew me, & he never changed his mind about it despite evidence right in his face... that is until very recently. Do you nit pick? Do you notice everything that goes wrong & comment on it? Do you notice anything your SD is doing that is right? Do you compliment that?
Second, he barked orders at me like I was always bad & getting into trouble. In my mind it seemed that I was being punished when I had done nothing wrong. Yes, that caused lots of fights & resentment. Do you always talk to her like you have no patience left... like you don't like her? Do you talk down to her? Do you talk to her in a different tone of voice (all the time) than the way you talk to everybody else? Whether it's a soothing voice or a nasty one... stop. Talk to her like you talk to everyone else.
Thanks for the replies.
If my wife knew I posted here she would not be at all happy but you have already really helped. (But don't let this stop further postings!).
The postings from other parents who grew up as step children are really helpful as they are not speculation, they are real experiences. Thanks.
I should have pointed out, my son is our son not from a previous relationship.
Yes, we have already tried counselling, it was expensive and didn't seem to be having any affect so we stopped. The bio father of my SD is not around, he died when she was 1 yr old.
The comments from lacelady after "see if this fits you" are very accurate. Yes I nit pick, yes I notice everything bad, yes I have no patience with her, yes I talk different to her than everyone else. Most importantly, I never give her credit for anything which is the main reason my wife doesn't want me disciplining her.
I also take on board what others have said.
I am going to have another go at this and if it doesn't work, I will go. I am going to have a chat with Wife and SD and let them know that I am going to try, I will also make myself a secret list to remind me how to act as it is all to easy to slip back into old ways.
If you have any more pointers, I would be greatful to hear them. Are their any 'must read' books?
Thanks again everyone for your help.
If her biodad is no longer a
If her biodad is no longer a part of her life, she is hurting. All girls need their dads whether he is bio or step. If you are not spending any time with her like you are your own child, she is most likely hurt and jealous of the other child. She needs to have the void left by the death of her father filled by a man. I do believe that all girls need a father figure. You have an opportunity to do that for her. If you try to reach out to her whether you want to or not, you will find that you can love her and be what she truly needs. Please try really hard because she clearly needs a father figure in her life. It will help her to overcome her years as a teenager and young woman. She needs you! It won't be easy, but it can be done. The rewards will be worth it. They might not be seen right away, but you will see them. I'd bet money on it!!!
Hello Mr X.!It is a really
Hello Mr X.!
It is a really hard situation. In a strange way, I feel normal again, after reading your thoughts. :o) I raise my husband's children for a long time. And we have a child together too. I can tell you, what I think why it is hard on us... The problem is, we want a normal, traditional family. we want our child and our partner. we constantly try to fight our given situation, and look for those opportunities when the stepchildren are not included in our life. When our partner is not at home, we get along much better with the stepchildren - I noticed too- because they are not "in the way of our relationship at that moment" -
It is not easy. It would be good not to feel guilty for once, when we do something with our partner, or for our child and not include the stepchild, wouldn't it? For me the guilt is the hardest to deal with. I know exactly what you feel. It gets easier though. I see it getting easier on you too. you said she is 12. So really soon she will start to spend A lot more time away from you and from home, giving you more time to be with your wife and son only. She should take part in sports, etc. she can spend weekends at friend's place, grandparents, etc. Does your wife know you need more "space"?
I think part of your problem is, that you feel powerless with your stepdaughter. you have to have authority as well, especially when your wife is not at home. I think it is even more important for stepfathers than for stepmothers. First I did not dare to get involved in disciplining them. but I live here too, I cannot just watch. we worked out a system, that works ok. We ALWAYS make decisions over the children together. so they see us united. I too have the right to tell them what is ok, what not to do-with small issues , in important things we do decide together. and they know we do.
Of course I feel too, that I am overly critical with them. That also comes from the situation. Actually there are times, I get all obsessed with things not being done, etc. This is something we need self control with - but it worth it
On the other hand, we have to consider the feelings of our partner too on top of all what we feel... It is really bad for the natural parents to hear our bad thoughts about their child. But (and I think the key to success is) they have to clearly understand that our feelings are caused by our situation and that we do not judge their child's personality (I always add that to whatever I say happened, or I feel)
After several discussions I realized what I needed, and how I can talk to my husband about it without hurting his feelings.
Don't get me wrong, he does not like to hear about it, but he respects my feelings. So I figured out what I need. I need time alone with my husband and my child only. We tried, it works great. Was strange first, his children were not happy about it, but got used to it and accepted it. You just need a good place for stepdaughter like grandparents, etc. for that time, so your wife does not worry about her. My husband takes me and my child alone too for a mini-break from life sometimes. he did not know I need it , and want it until I asked for it. He did not need it. But to my suprprise, he actually enjoys these times a lot! It freshens our relationship. Those times keep me going...
Luckily he forgives me for having these feelings, and I am working on forgiving to myself too. I know life could and should be easier, but as much I want to be free (mostly from my bad thoughts about myself) I am not sure, loosing my partner and the father of my child over it would worth it.
Sad it had to come to you leaving
I think the one thing that helped me at times was a comment from another post I read at one time on here. "Try to think of each day as if it was the first day you met her." That worked for me when I was able to. My SD is 19 and you just cannot keep that up with one that age unfortunately. Hopefully, where she's only 12 it might help a bit and you could have some good days with her at least.
I am glad you are going to
I am glad you are going to try to work things out, I do have to say I noticed you said your wife does not want you to discipline SD- this has been a huge topic on here and from my experience this would make it hard to deal with most children especially those headed for their teens, and does make you immediately think differently of one child vs. the other, just something I thought you might want to address with your family.
Best Wishes.
There is no reason where logic does not exist
I have a very rocky relationship with my SD (13) too
I understand how you feel completely. In my case BM is not nurturing so I have the added responsibility to try hard with SD so that she has a chance at normalcy in her adult relationships.
Is your SD's father involved at all? If not, you may be seeing similar behavior as I do, which is a ton of displaced anger onto us, the "surrogate" parents.
I could write a ton about this but here's where I am now.
My SD is out of town on a road trip with my SIL and BIL, as they move from CA to TX (military move.) They have two very young children, and enlisted SD's help with them during the transition. They also did some exciting things to "pay" her for her time, like Disneyland, aquariums, museums, etc.
This has been a fabulous break for all of us. SD has stepped up and been a dream according to my SIL. I am pleased because she has never gone 6 weeks without incident. At first it made me question my contribution, or DH's to SD's angry and troubled behavior. However, the schedule has been very tight for her (she does best when overly structured) and also has had NO interaction, other than a few minutes on the phone or a two sentence email here and there, with on again/off again BM for all this time. I am realizing even more, how much BM's influence, seeing her EOW/Thur nights has on her behavior too. So SD is doing so well because she is essentially in a bubble (no teen friend's enticing her to rebel against us as well I should add.)
Meanwhile, I have had a much needed break, which is sounds like you are due as well. I have been able to re-group, re-focus, and reconnect to myself, my husband, my sons, Anna (our 2 yr old) without drama, sneakiness, manipulation, etc. I feel rejuvenated. I now feel ready to put my heart back into being the mom SD needs me to be, instead of expecting her to be the child I need her to be. I think this is essential, whether you are S or B parent.
If you are interested in hearing more of my situation, please ask. I don't want to overstep in a response here.
But...
What you said above, you are not alone. And what you say here
"I would also like to add that whenever I am away from home, working or whatever I think about my step daughter frequently, I want to be friends with her..."
and here
"when no one else is around, just me and her or me her and my son, things are much better. Why?"
Indicate to me that your heart knows deep down you really want this to be better, that you love her, but don't like her behavior. My SD has adapted BM's way of berating, manipulating, and threatening in order to try and control me. At times her angry outbursts in my face border on verbal abuse. I too have had many moments (and blog posts devoted to it) thinking "I'm not strong enough, a good enough person" to survive another 5- 7 years with my SD.
HOWEVER...
Since many of my SD's (and perhaps yours) issues stem from abandonment issues, they are likely treating us this way in order to feel control over whether or not we abandon them.
I have one more really important suggestion I cannot emphasize enough. Go to a child psychologist to discuss these things. I have found tremendous support, encouragement, and enlightenment from the many visits I went to without SD to her psychologist. They really want to help us all learn to do the best for our children, without losing our own selves in the process.
Goodluck and my thoughts are with you and your family.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Just discovered online venting forum!
I have been dating the same man for almost 4 years. He has a 12 year old daughter and a 22 year old daughter. The older one will not talk to him probably because the mom put so many stories in her head and alienated her from him. As a result, he now does not feel he has any ability to discipline his younger daughter and she knows it. He like to think that he has some control over her but she and I know he does not. It has become an issue between us that it is difficult to deal with a man who is impotent to a 12 year old.
I have a 7 yr daughter and an 8 year old son. They are with me 1/2 the time. He has his daughter every other weekend. My children are never allowed to be rude or disrespectful towards him or his daughter. If they are they are corrected and disciplined by myself or by my Boyfriend. At first I was uncomfortable with him disciplining my children because it was always in the form of a benign slap , but a slap nonetheless. He has never laid a hand on his own daughter.
She is totally rude to everyone around her. She gets into trouble at school for calling a disabled girl "Lucy with Crutches" and his reaction is that he is going to go to the school and humiliate the teacher. HE ACTUALLY TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WAS GOING TO HUMILIATE HER TEACHER!!! She does not get invited to birthday parties because she is mean to kids and he calls the parents to dicuss it with them. When he gets off the phone he says the mohter is a bitch. He had his daughter email a friend of ours about getting together with the friend's daughter (Who boyfriend's daughter has made clear she "hates") when the friend for whatever reason does not return the email within 3 days she is a F***ing bitch.
His daughter just got back from 2 months on vacation and it was a very nice time for us. I am leaving for vacation soon so I tried to make sure we planned a weekend alone before I left. I continually tried to plan this and he continually pretended to listen. The daughter comes back and I keep saying about our kidless weekend that we planned and has he set it up. his answer is to turn to his daughter and ask her how long she will be at his house. She says three weeks, and so there goes the kidless weekend. he did work it our after a major argument about the fact that he never listed to me about planning this.
During the past week she has been back she sits in front of a computer, at 11 cannot ride a bike even up a moderate hill and is just rude and disrespectful of me. Two times I called to arrange a babysitter ( one night we had concert tickets) both times at the last moment she decided she did not want to go so I had to call and cancel at the last moment.
All he seems to be ale to say is taht his situation is different from mine and I should be supportive. I try to be supportive and understanding that her mom is mentally ill, but when he sort of reinforces the disrespect I cannot take it anymore.
I am about ready to say that I do not want ot be around when she is. WAT CAN I DO? ANY SUGGESTIONS??? HELP????