Getting Married...should I get out now?
I'm here because I've read about some pretty traumatic step-mom experiences and I'm having my own doubts about moving forward with marriage to a man with children.
My fiance has two children, 10 and 13; he has them once a week and every other weekend, plus 50% of holidays. He is a wonderful man with many virtues. I never considered dating anyone with kids until he came along... He is an involved and committed father to his children and that quality is one of many that attracted me to him - since I'd like a child of my own someday.
Honestly though, my stomach knots up when I think about sharing a life with him and his kids. If I could find a person with all his qualities minus the kids.....you bet I'd be with that man in a heartbeat. The reality is that there are compromises with anyone we meet, but is compromising on step-kids vs. no step-kids something that I'd regret long-term?
The kids were raised with the "be a friend" attitude, this is the opposite to my upbringing and not one I'd choose to adopt if I became a parent. They are disrespectful to their father, lack basic manners, and have no idea of responsibility. That said, they have not demonstrated a bad attitude towards me and we've been spending time together for the past 9 months (is that because I'm still "new"?).
Should it be a red flag that I have no interest in trying to love his kids? I like them as people and am nice but firm with them - but I have no feeling of love for them and really don't have that desire.
Should I be concerned that I dread extended time with them such as vacations and holidays? Right now I choose how much time to spend with them because I have my own home and can leave to get peace and quiet. Being around them is tiring on a mental level; this is worse when I observe them being downright rude to their father and him getting stressed.
I resent that a good deal of resources are redirected to his children, meaning that if we should have a child, that child would subsequently have less resources available.
I resent that an ex-wife has some control over our schedule because of the kids. I get angry and jealous that someone from his history can affect our lives.
As much as I love my fiance, love doesn't conquer all. Am I asking myself the right questions? Or am I simply overthinking and creating stress for myself?
Thank you for any guidance.
no
I don't' think that you have to discontinue the relationship. You can even get married if you want to just make sure that you keep your own home so you have a place to stay when you don't want to deal with it. You aren't required to love the kids but you are required to be nice at all times and to take whatever they dish out. The real mother doesn't have to be nice and patient with the kids, but the requirements are different for a SP.
“Honestly though, my stomach knots up when I think about sharing a life with him and his kids. Should I be concerned that I dread extended time with them such as vacations and holidays? I resent that a good deal of resources are redirected to his children, meaning that if we should have a child, that child would subsequently have less resources available. I resent that an ex-wife has some control over our schedule because of the kids. I get angry and jealous that someone from his history can affect our lives.”
All of these are red flags. This is his life and its not going to change. You can either accept it or stay away from it. The divorce rate for the second marriage is extremely high and these are the reasons for it.
WTH????
"you are required to be nice at all times and take whatever they dish out" Best advice ever! I guess I have been doing this all wrong. Thanks sparky (I am aware this is an old post). You must be a hit on Cafe Moms.
Ha, Ha, Ha, and then another
Ha, Ha, Ha, and then another Ha! Ten years ago this was the advice?: "You are required to be nice at all times and take whatever they dish out." Hmm, maybe we have made more advances than I thought, but then I'm also pretty sure that this matches up to a least of couple of people's advice I'd seen on these pages as of late, in the year 2018.
Find it interesting that Fedup3, below, noted this about her situation way back in 2008: "He treats SD more like a wife and me more like a child." She was a smart cookie back when. None of these names sound familar to me, and you wonder where they are now. Hopefully they are either enjoying their own lives with their husbands, sans interference, or they are happily single and sipping mai-tais on a beach somewhere.
Oh sweetie
Get out now! Run as fast as you can.
Everyone is different but I stand firm to that bit of advice!
TOUGH QUESTION
You just have to decide whether you can share you soon to be hubby or not.
it is HARD and I mean HARD and if you and he are not on the same page as far as the kids go then you can count on it getting HARDER!!
I would suggest reading a few blogs on here, some of us have stayed and some of us have left. only you can decide for yourself what you are willing to deal with.
good luck.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
just my thoughts...
You seem to have so many doubts and "red flags" that I wouldn't do it.
You are already unhappy, marriage will make it worse, it won't improve things.
The ex and the kids won't go away. The difference in parenting is huge as well. That is the majority of the arguments that DH and I have. My DH is so lax, and we discipline our children differently which isn't fair, but that's how it is. I won't let mine walk all over me.
It seems to me your negatives outway the positives.
Sandi ♥
The things that bother you now
...will bother you a thousand times more if you live with them. The geography alone will put you in a position of dealing with the kids more and if they are disrespectful and irresponsible with their father their attitudes will be far worse with you, especially if you try to interject some normal boundries. This is how your boyfriend has chosen to parent his kids and this is the behavior he accepts from them. This will not change. Did I mention this will not change? Because this will not change.
You are definitely asking the right questions, listen to the answers that are already in your head.
IMHO - end it
A few months ago I left someone that I was very much in love with. Why? I could no longer tolerate her child or her mother (who was a financial tick on her daughter).
It hurts and it is really hard to leave someone you still love. I'd actually never done that before. I'm still not over it but it gets easier every day.
As far as looking for someone else here is what I have found. The reason people with children can be so wonderful is because they have children. Most of the reasons why my ex fell for me was due to characteristics I developed from being an attentive father.
My old friends that do not have children still act like they are in High School. I'm not saying that it takes children to learn good qualities like patience and sacrifice but they are a crash course for making men mature.
"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17
Glad for the candor
Thank you to everyone for being candid with me.
I've read many articles about what people "gave up" when becoming a step parent, and a few (quite a few less) about the "gains". I'd be lying if I didn't say that it's pretty unnerving how significant the life change appears to be.
You might be wondering why I've pursued the relationship, and the simple answer is because I've found a wonderful person who I love dearly. At this point I'm weighing up if I am as strong as some of you that have dealt with the difficulties of step-parenting, to then enjoy a life with someone they love.
To those of you that have become step parents and "stuck" with it, I admire your strength and dedication.
I am grateful to have somewhere to air my thoughts openly. Thank you.
Run for the hills...
Seriously...you can find someone without kids, and I think you'd be much happier in the long run. Don't settle.
Step life is a challenge
If I did not have any children of my own, such as you, I would prefer not be involved with a man that had children. It is a cleaner start for you and you deserve that. No ex's or skids to contend with. The feelings of concern for the situation that you have now will probably magnify. It is okay to feel this way by the way...You are human. Your own kids are enough of a challenge without tossing a few skids in the mix.
Of course the decision is yours, but I would think very hard about commiting to a man with children. I have kids of my own and so does my dh, so my situatiuon is a bit different than yours. My dh is a great guy and I am commited to making my marriage work, but the hurts and that I have to endure and the struggles that I deal with are very hard. I can't say that knowing what I know now that I would ever do this again.
Take your time and make sure this is the right decision for you.
Georgie
Good advice, Mustang. I
Good advice, Mustang.
I would say exactly the same things.
If I'd had any inkling of how hard it was going to be to be a stepparent, I don't know if I could bring myself to do it all over again. Those first few years were so majorly miserable, and I only had 1 stepchild and she was much younger than yours.
One of the biggest red flags I see in what you wrote is that you dread their visits. That WILL undoubtedly get worse. If you don't think you can find it in yourself to bond with these kids to the point where you look forward to seeing them, then I would run the other way as fast as I could.
Things to consider
Everyone has made very valid points and things to consider; however, you are the one that has to make the ultimate decision and in doing so will along the way have to make sacrifices and compromises. I don't say that to sound discouraging because if you were the bio-parent, you would still have to make sacrifices and compromises. The problem comes in because of your current feelings towards the situation. Can it get better, yes. Will it get better, maybe or maybe not. The thing with life is that there are no real answers for the future.
Consider your love for BF and the reasons why. Realize that the skids, BM and the situation is not going to go away. The good thing is that they do not live with BF so the actual time with them is very limited and considering their ages, they are getting to the point where they have their own lives and friends and make plans that MAY warrant them wanting to not visit. However if BM or BF insist on the visit, then you have to determine if the things you are bothered by are tolerable.
Another matter to consider is no matter who or what you should be treated with respect. There may come a time when the disrespect is directed at you. Things are great now because you guys are in what I consider the honeymoon stage. Everything is young and new and for the most part smelling like roses. It is also possible that the Skids don't see you as a threat. Do they know that you and BF are going to get married? Nine months is not long and the skids may figure that you are just the flavor of the year (no offense). Problems don't usually arise until there is a permanence to them and BM starts feeding them negativity.
Write out the pros and cons of taking this relationship to the next level. What it is that you want from the relationship and what is not acceptable. Somehow seeing it in writing makes it appear more real and concrete. Then have a long and honest talk with BF about all of things you uncover and try to go from there. In any event, good luck with any decision you choose.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
RUN!
There have been many many occasions over the past 3 years I have spent wishing I had never met the man I'm with. Without the kids, he'd be perfect, but with them he is weak and they are nasty. My Skids were nice until we got a house together then SD did everything possible to kick me out when they were there. SS is great - but his loyalties lie with his family.
If I had to do it again - I would walk the other way. It would have hurt a lot less if I'd left at the beginning.
I hate to be the realist, but
you guys have got to know that every relationship is different. Is SPing easy, HELL no. Can it be rewarding, yes. I understand and respect that your situation didn't pan out the way you would like, but that is the struggle for many bio-parents that are still together. Your limit and tolerance level may be a lot lower than someone else's and therefore, you can't say that is how things will turn out. No one can say. She can only judge by her situation and by being upfront and honest with not only herself but BF as well. Will she be able to change the things that are bothersome, probably not, can they work on improving them, very much so. Each situation is different but it's like buying a used car...Buyer beware, everything is not perfect with the car, but it is usuable.
I say this not to negate your feelings, because trust me I have been there and done that and I can honestly say that the first year was great, 2nd year was so-so, 3rd -4th years were good, 5-6 years I wanted to jump ship, 7th year has been improving by leaps and bounds. Blended families are like puberty, sometimes things can be pretty awful, acne, peer-pressure, hormones and the such, but once you get a handle on things you blossom.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Realism is as relative as
Realism is as relative as everyone's views here - our experiences are always our own but it is the fact that we're all going through similar things that brings us here, and that is no less realistic than anything else. I am in year 4-5 and things have been pretty tough for me since year 1, and I KNOW I'm not the only one as I've been reading everyone else's posts too.
Nobody ever goes in thinking step-parenting will be easy, but sharing your experiences is just about that - sharing them all, not hiding away the bad ones because they're embarrassing - we get that enough from the BFs/DHs that don't stand by us when we're disrespected.
You're right - everyone's experiences ARE their own, but that doesn't make it any less real if your relationship with your skids doesn't improve. My SD admitted to her father that she didn't like me because I didn't ask her permission for being in the house when they were there - even though she knows I pay for half of it, that they wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise, that I was the one who insisted they have their own rooms, that it is my home that I'm welcoming them into...
Just because my happy ending isn't going so well - doesn't mean it has to be because I wasn't doing the right things. Sometimes nothing works. People need to know that too - that's why there's such an equal split of voices suggesting running and proceeding with caution.
"Everyone's experiences ARE
"Everyone's experiences ARE their own, but that doesn't make it any less real if your relationship with your skids doesn't improve."
I never said that it makes it any less real. I said assess her situation based on HER issues and address them with her fiance. I realize that there will be differing opinions, but one could not realistically think that their relationship will not work, because yours or mine did/didn't. I am not trying to discount anyone else's experience, I just want her to LOOK at her situation and not at everyone elses.
"...sharing them all, not hiding away the bad ones because they're embarrassing."
I'm not sure if the statement is addressed to me personally or is a general statement. For the record I don't "hide away because I'm embarrassed." It is what it is and I don't know you from Adam, so why would I be embarrassed? I'm not peeking my head in without registering to provide little snippets of my life. I share my good and bad.
To me it's just like giving birth. Everyone has horror stories about how painful and hard it is that it can scare the living sh!t out of you. If you listened to half of it for fear of how bad it was for someone else, you would never have kids of your own or find that when you do your L&D may be a piece of cake. Although I understand you stating that things are still rough for you and your SD and I'm sorry that is the case, but such is life. We don't always get the happy ending. I too have had problems with SD and rooms and resentment and headache and heartache, but I've also had joy, love, excitement, sharing and fun throughout the process. I'm not trying to paint a rosy picture, I'm only trying to be objective and because one relationship fails doesn't necessarily mean that all relationships fail. SO, I'm sorry if you don't agree and you have every right not to, but I still believe that she should look at HER situation outside of everyone elses PERIOD. Now THATs a wrap for me!
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Take your time
Try2, I admire your honesty and applaud the fact that you are thinking this over carefully. Can you talk to your fiance about this or would he just become defensive? All the red flags that you mention are not going to go away and if not discussed/resolved or agree to disagree - it will hurt your relationship. Stepparenting is one of the hardest roles I've taken on and I can't say that I was successful. I was close to my SD early on but the relationship eroded over time due to a number of issues. My marriage is very solid but we have gone to counseling over the SD and it did strain our relationship. I have to say that my marriage survived because of honesty. Your comments make me think that you are open and honest and I urge you talk to your fiance before the marriage. Let him know of your concerns. You are not a bad person for feeling the way you do. Repeat that last sentence. Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing.
Glynne
only have been a SM for 2 years
My experience is, I to this day, love my husband to death, And would marry him all over again,has it been tough the last 2 years? HELL YES.
You Don't HAVE to love your step children, I find it hard to LOVE something thats not yours to begine with. I have a good SS,and like him to death,and enjoy him very much,but the shoe is on the other foot,I have three kids and I see DH closer to my daughter then my boys, My boys are older 15 and 18 shes 10 and SS is 10.She accepts her as her father You can read my blog, it explans everything. So kids can be hard on a relationship,My boys give him ( and I) a pretty hard time right now, BUT my EX husband and I wern't on the same page eather with issues with them when we were married,so i know for a fact Bio-parents don't always agree eather. The EX wife will probably be the Biggest test. I don't like to be controlled by anybody,and to be controlled by another woman,and see your husband jump when she says jump is the most gut wrentching,frustrating, thing in our marriage,really she controls our finances,vacations,holidays,she calls when she fricken pleases,spends "your" money on god knows what,dresses the kid like a shlup, but yet has EVERY FRICKEN VIDEO SYSTEM MADE( they don't have to show where and what the money is being spent on,) most the women on this sight have issues with the exes. I'm no differant. We can only tell you some of the things we have gone threw, you have to decide how much you want to put into it? Maybe just not get married yet? and keep dating? see where it goes in a year from now. Kids make lives hell for a while, they do grow up, move away,and only need you when they need money. good luck
Think long and hard on this one...
I love my FH and my FSD is a wonderful girl - even for a teenager - and we get along great BUT we are in counseling right now because of BM! She has had a hold over him like you can't believe. It took me almost two years to catch on to what was actually going on with the phone calls and her demands, etc., because he tried to hide it for so long but when I found out and called him on it it turned in to a HUGE knock down drag out fight. Hence us being in counseling for him to find the right tools to get this manipuating crazy woman out of our lives. They have been broken up for 16 years and never married. If I had know how crazy she was 2 years ago I would have split big time. We can all give you advice but you are the only one who knows what you can and can't deal with
I wish you the best of luck. I know it is soooo hard my FH treats me like a princess - until you bring up how BM tries to control him with the kids - then I'm the one with PROBLEMS. Be prepared!
I'm with Angel -
I married my husband for all the same reasons you mentioned, but I truly did love my SD. Seems that since we've been married (5 years now), his "true colors" have come out. He treats SD more like a wife and me more like a child. I can't tell you to bolt for the door, because I'm not you and my circumstances are different. But I can tell you that you are absolutely asking yourself the right questions! The best advice I can give is be true to yourself. Only you truly know what you feel in your heart, so listen to what it tells you. Good luck!
By the way...
Forgot to mention before that I love your screen name!