How do you fight with SKIDS/KIDS Present???
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Okay I am pissed at FH right now. Between the crap yesterday with the car, which I decided to let go for the most part after expressing my displeasure calmly after he got home yesterday, and something that I "discovered" today, I am pissed, and have been "fighting" via email with him for the last 1/2 hour. SD comes home in an hour, and he won't be home until around 4:45 or so. I don't want to continue this in front of her, however I am ALSO not prepared to make kissy face everything is fine until she goes to bed.
HELP!
That's a tough one.
I'm kind of looking for a good answer for this one as well. BF and I do not fight in front of SS, but we have had a mild argument or two, which I don't think is a bad thing as long as it isn't regarding a topic that kids should not need to hear about. When I'm truly angry at BF, I tend to just immerse myself in other things, like homework with SS, read a book, etc. I find every possible way to truly not interact. Then at bedtime, behind closed doors, we have our "discussion". I'm interested in how others handle this too.
we have had mild arguments too
but any time I was REALLY mad, I generally got quiet and withdrew. We tend to be very engaged with each other and with SD though, and I'm not sure i can do this without causing a scene. Ugh, I almost don't even want to be here.
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
This answer will probably catch me some grief
But I think it's perfectly fine to fight in front of kids, with two rules. 1) don't fight about things that are not kid appropriate (or use code words - like if you "discovered" porn on the computer ;)) and 2) be respectful - no name calling, put downs, foul language, etc.
I personally think it's very healthy for children to see that even adults disagree, that sometimes there aren't any easy answers, that there are always two sides to a story, that you can disagree while still being respectful of one another, and that problems can be worked out if you compromise. These are skills that all children need to develop as they mature and having a good example in the household about how you handle disagreements is a great step towards teaching them.
Let the flaming begin...
Serena I agree completely
when it's a mild argument, as above. But unfortunately, #1 hits it precisely on the head, and part 2 of it is money, which I also feel isn't healthy to argue about in front of kids (makes them not feel secure). grrrrrr....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Actually, I agree with you too.
Kids have to learn how to "fight fair" and problem solving skills from somewhere. Why not at home? If it's a minor issue, I'm more than okay with that. But, I am with NS where I think that if it's about $$ or other mature adult themes, that kids shouldn't be privy to it.
I agree about the money too
My biokids dad tells them all his money woes and I get to reassure them that daddy is not going to starve to death. Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll wither up from stupidity and blow away. Is that possible?!
If it's not kid appropriate, then I would take SD out to dinner and maybe wander a mall or something. Bring her back close to bedtime and deal with it after she's gone to sleep.
I would say disagreeing on a
I would say disagreeing on a subject and discussing it is fine in front of kids, but certainly not arguing or fighting. It is scary for kids, makes them feel insecure and creates anxiety in them. Arguing and fighting are not healthy, in front of kids or not. I think its always best if your upset about something to calm down before attempting to talk it out. If you start to feel frustrated or angry while talking about it, stop and calm back down before resuming the conversation. It helps keep each others ears open and defenses down. Nothig gets resolved if people argue, even if you think you "won" or were "right"...down the line the same subject will continue to be brought up or one partner will hold resentment about it. Think aboutit. Communication is such a huge deal in relationships, and no couple is going to last 40 or 50 years if they fight and argue instead of trying to dicuss disagreements rationally and actually listen to the others perspective. Nobody is going to compromise or listen if someone is yelling or saying things in the heat of the moment. They may concede because they are sick of arguing or fighting, but it won't neccessarily be resolved long term. So this is what my husband and I do. If one of us is mad about something, we do not speak about it until we are calm. We still treat each other kindly and politely even if we're upset with each other. We talk about it usually in our room and if one of us starts getting upset, we take a break and resume the discussion after we calm down. I know this is not easy to do, trust me, because I'm the type of person that lets things fly out of my mouth as soon as I think it, but I make sure I bitemy tongue with my husband to avoid sayng anything I will regret or anything that isn't productive in solving the problem. Afterall, I gotta live with the guy for the rest of my life, right?!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I completely agree with Serena as well
In my first marriage, I hid every fight from the kids. The first time they saw me and my ex fight was when he dropped them off one day to me and he had to show his macho man randy savage attitude to get a point across and he said he was going to beat the shit out of me, my DH and my SS
In my second marriage, the first time my DH and I had a disagreement, my biokids thought he was going to kill me. I had to explain to them that people can have arguements and it's OK. My husband has never even raised his hand to me or even threatened to hit me. He also has a very deep voice that I even had to get used to hearing.
I would just engage w/ SD and not FH
I have done that many times when I've been upset w/ BF. It's like having tunnel vision!
I know that you don't want SD to sense that something is wrong, but SD is old enough to understand that adults don't always get along. If I HAD to talk to BF, I would answer in one word answers, and just go back to what I was doing with SS or back to my book or whatever. Then later on, when there aren't any prying eyes or ears, have at it and try to keep it at a lower decibal. It does take a concentrated effort on the adults part to not fight in front of the kids. I just wish that I had the answer!
well lucky us, now we have bigger fish to fry
SD's teacher called to inform us that SD's phone was confiscated in class today. Guess this overrides our petty BS... maybe that's how people stay married, kids cause crisis and thus the petty problems never get to be an actual fight...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
My first gut reaction
response is NEVER. But I do think that it is okay for certain matters to be aired in front of the kids---these are judgement calls for "appropriateness". Blanket statements usually don't cover the human condition.
sometimes
DH and I will bicker in front of the kids. If it is a particularly big argument or if I am really upset about something, I leave the house for a few hours. We don't fight a lot (mostly only ever about BM when we do...) so this isn't a big deal for me.
However, I also don't think that arguing in front of the kids is bad, as long as it is contained. Like arguing about helping around the house would be ok, but not about money/infidelity/kids.
DH and his Ex NEVER argued in front of the kids
EVER.
They played the game that mommy and daddy were always blissfully happy, and wore ridiculous fake smiles during their marriage. It was a complete charade. DH even began to believe the game, too, because he had NO idea that his ex was having an affair in their own home while he was at work- while the kids were home!!!
So of course, when she wanted out- the kids (and DH) were absolutely blind-sided. They thought mommy and daddy were PERFECTLY HAPPY! Why would they ever get divorced if they NEVER argued or disagreed? They were the "picture" of the happy family.
It devastated them completely.
Now I'm not saying it's ok for parents to scream and throw things and curse or bring up inappropriate topics in front of young children. But it IS ok to show children that ALL people disagree. In fact, it is healthy to disagree- all people in relationships do. But it is HOW you RESOLVE problems that is even more important in relationships.
Our kids, all 5, know that when we argue (and we can even be loud at times), we still work things out in the end. We learn to compromise. We learn to apologize. And it's healthy for them to see these relationship-building skills.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"