What are your MAIN issues with BM?
If you could possible narrow it down the the top 2 or 3 things that just rake on your nerves or WHY you jumped on the internet one day and found a website dedicated to Step Parents... what would they be? Maybe if we can battle the BIG issues and help each other figure out how to over come them... the smaller issues won't push you over the edge.
Here are mine (it was not easy to narrow them down):
1. She is more concerned about HER love life, than taking care of her son. If she has a bad break up, or is in a fight with WHATEVER loser she is dating at the time... SS is basically nonexistant.
2. She would rather mooch off the system and live like white trash (and drag SS down with her while he is there), than go out and get (and heres the kicker) and actually KEEP a job. What little money she does make, she spends on weed. Oh not to mention... she is HIGH a lot. That is a whole other topic all on its own.
3. She NEVER has SS best interest in mind. Whatever issues come up, she NEVER considers what is best for SS, only what would benifit HER the most.
So along with those main grypes, comes a laundry list of STUPID little things that just make it worse. I don't see her ever changing... sad.
Currently...
Not many problems right now...
My main issues used to be that she used to think I was not good enough to take care of her daughter, but I ended it up taking better care of her than her own self. But I let that go now... she knows better...
A current issue is that she thinks she knows EVERYTHING about ANYTHING... she thinks she is an expert, and honestly most of the time she sounds soooo ignorant...
For example, one day, my husband told her that she can't compare our situations because she has a boyfriend that doesn't have children, so she is not a stepmother... she says that she can totally relate to that because her boyfriend's friend is a racist... :? :? :? :? HUH???? yeah... just like that, it doesn't make sense....
And many many other things that just don't make sense, only in her own stupid world...
My MAJOR issue with her is that she seems to think that she is very important only because she had DH's child, and she is entitled to so much...
Good thing is that DH doesn't hesitate to put her in her place... that she is NOTHING!!! and he doesn't owe her shit... }:)
so she seems to be learning a little bit...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Wow I get only 2 or 3 here goes..
1.BM's inability to move on and leave us alone. Still trys to play wife with DH. Uses every chance she gets to call/e-mail/text DH about the stupidest stuff just to keep contact with him.
2.BM's inability to compromise or meet us half way on things its ether her way or no way. She will fight us tooth and nail just to make a point that she is still in charge like she is doing right now in court
3.BM's intense jealousy of me that makes it her life to alienate everyone in SS's life from me. When I out to school/sports function where "her friends" are they all look at me waiting for my head to spin around or grow horns.
Always been the same stuff...
1. She thinks of herself and only herself. Ex: she told the kids on the first day of a schoolyear (on the way to school) that she was moving out of town, then didn't come back for 2 weeks. Ex: She told them she was getting married (to a guy they hate) on Christmas day. Ex: She got married on New Year's Eve. Way to ruin every holiday for them!
2. She always puts her interests before the kids. I go out of my way to be sure all the kids have everything they need, at all times, not just at my convenience. She only sees them 2 days a week, but often "has plans" and can't come see them.
3. SHE cheated, she lied and she never worked a day in her life until last year (good God the woman is 36!!) So when DH left her, she wanted the house, the furniture, the cars everything!!! F U Biatch, now all you have is a ugly house and old furniture-we have evrything new and you don't get C/S or alimony or any of his retirement! She still thinks she's "entitled" to everything,but she can't have anyting!
"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."
Dang, only three ok... here they go
1. BM's inability to move on and find her own relationship. They broke up before SD was born and were never married. She still expects to run and control DH life and finances. She is constantly trying to make him pay for not still being with her.
2. BM not accepting the fact that DH loves his daughter even though he is now married to me. Every since we got married she has filed things that are bogus to try and keep SD from visiting with DH and his family here (look back in the blogs...)
3. BM is trying to keep and ruin DH's relationship with his daughter not realizing it is all so un-necessary. She only cares about herself and will stop at no lenghts to get what she wants.
BM Issues
My BM issues are the same as yours DISbelief-they are my top three-
I cannot change her
She could do SO much for Zippy16.5-but-it is ALL about her
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Here are mine
1. She refuses to be a PARENT. Wants to be SD16's best friend, to the point of signing to let SD16 get her bellybutton pierced (against DH's firm refusal). Let SD16 read every paper DH filed and e-mail he sent to BM in the recent custody modification case, then SD would call and ask DH why he was so "mean" to BM.
2. She talks trash about me, ALL THE TIME. OK, they have been divorced 14 years! Don't you think that if SD16 has someone who has been in her life since she was 5 and will be in it until DH dies, that should be someone you encourage SD16 to have a "positive" relationship with? Nope. Encourage her to hate me so that you can feel superior. Makes sense.
3. She's cheap, to the point of taking it out on SD16. Ever since the divorce, DH has had to pay for almost everything regarding SD. Even down to her school lunches. And we never got CS, even when we had primary custody (70 percent) of SD16 because BM moved an hour away. But even before BM took custody last year she had filed for CS. And now we pay her CS, PLUS half of all school fees, PLUS half of all activity fees, PLUS a third of college, PLUS a car, etc...
Its Hard To Choose Just Three!
1. In order to make up for that fact that she is an inadaquate parent, she constantly bags on my husband and I. Including but not limited to disallowing the children to talk with us in her presence.
2. She leaves the children to parent themselves. They have no structure/rules so when we try to set structured rules for them they often cry "Mama, Mama" (At 5 and 9 yrs, Yuck!)
3. She uses men to get what she wants. She has four children by three different men and THREE of those children were "accidents" because she thought that was the only way the men would stay with her.
Mine are
The same as DISbelief's #2 and Elizabeth's #1. Except BM is a highly functioning weed freak who maintains a job. Only her son thinks it's ok to do the same now because he sees her doing it. She also smokes with his friends and other kids as well. The BM in my case also wants to be friends with SD17 and has also allowed her to have her belly button pierced too. BM expects DH to take care of all the hard stuff while she sits there and tells him what he needs to do. Of course, he does it just like she says.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
My EXACT fear
Really, I could care less if she smokes weed when SS isn't with her... but she has no shame in it, just like HER parents when she was growing up (GEE, wonder why she thinks it's no big deal). I fear that because she DOES do it when he is there that #1 he is not safe, she is not in a sober state of mind and what if something happens?? and #2 He is going to think this is normal and ok... and it isn't. UGH~ frustrating.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
I agree
I could care less what BM does in her own time. She can smoke herself into oblivion and that is her right except it is still illegal last time I checked. My SS was caught by my DH growing weed in his closet. BM denied she knew it was there, but yet she encourages he and his friends to do it. Hmmm, me thinks BM is a fry short of a Happy Meal. DH had to snoop when no one was home to find out this information. Another time he snooped he saw that SS had his license revoked due to BM forgetting to remove said weed from her car while SS was driving it. Um, the last thing I would do is drive around with it - good grief. DH found the citation sitting on SS bed. I think her brains have gone up in smoke.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Oh Yeah-
I remember you posting about that in the past. That is what my fear is for the future. She can drag herself down as much as she wants to but when she brings SS down with her... THAT is when it bothers me...
Ok, so a few days ago we had to take some stuff to BM, it was her day with SS... as I have mentioned before, she seriously lives on a junk yard...like really... her house is located on a junk yard... and on top of that there is so much of HER CRAP piled in front of her house, it looks like a meth house or something... SS comes running outside, no shoes, no shirt dirty face... he looked like a little homeless kid. I just wanted to cry for him. It was so sad. THEN we went inside, it looked like a BOMB hit her house. It was so filthy. Food sitting on the kitched counter that looked like it had been there for weeks. Dirty dishes piled up. It was BAD. I hate when he is there. She is a mess. In every way. She is a mess.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
So sad for the kid
Unfortunately that is what happens in this type of situation where drugs are involved. And we're not even talking meth here, just weed. Imagine how much worse it would be if it were something else. Your description of her house, etc.. reminds me of cousin Eddie on the Vacation movies except I'm not laughing. It is your SS who is paying for BM's neglect.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
I know..
None of it adds up to me... I just can't picture FH with her at all... that is not meant to be mean to her at all... but he is so particular about our house, and his things. ANAL, I think is the word I should use. She has gone WAY down hill over the past few years, but even at that... I just don't get the initial attraction.
FH is going to "pop in" on her this weekend (call when he is about 5 minutes away and tell her they need to talk and he is on his way). He was heartbroken to see his son like that. To the point that he had tears in his eyes as we pulled away, SS's and his little dirty face waving through the fence. It was hard to see. We had to step OVER crap all over her floor in the house. The CAT was on the kitchen counter. I just can't imagine what SS must think going from our house to hers. He may still be to young to REALLY understand the total difference, but (not to toot OUR horn) we live in a 3600 sq ft home with a pool... 5 beds 5 baths... in a very nice neighborhood. We work hard for what we have... and it shows. I just honestly wish she would get her sh*t together. Not that she needs to live in some extravagant house, but she could at least keep the one she has CLEAN, its not like she works. She is home ALL day. So FH is going to tell her she has 1 week to clean up her house and get her butt out looking for a job... if she can do it, he is taking her to court for full custody.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
My SS has a similar transition to make between our home and
his BioDad's. We have always lived in very nice homes in more upscale neighborhoods and school districts similar to what you describe. When he is @ BioDads he has to sleep on the floor, the girl friend of the month's children get the bedrooms and beds if he sees his BioDad at all. Usually he is @ SpermGrandMa's where he serves mainly as the babysitter for his three younger out-of-wedlock half sibs.
Over the years he has initially stopped complaining about how nasty and bad it is at the SpermFamilies environment during visitation. He is embarrassed by it and does not want his Mom and I to comment on how upset we are by the situation. After he has been home for a few weeks things will start to come out about the latest visitation. Garbage a couple of feet deep in the garage, no food in the kitchen, GF's evil Spawn stealing his stuff, incorrigible younger half sibs rifling through his bags, his BioPaternalGrandParents complaining about how expensive it is to raise BioDad's spawn and how broke they are, never ending meals of generic Mac-N-Cheese and the occassional trip to BK for the "Special" meal out, BioDad hauling him around to hang with the Gang-Banger Rap Star wannabe's (BioDad looks like Opy Cunningham but tells all of his Crip/Blood buddies that his mother is Black...... the woman looks like Aunt Bee for Godsake). Even my SS finds his own BioDad's existence to be pathetic.
Make sure your FH takes a digital camera and documents the state of BM's home. It helps in court. We hired a PI to document the situation for us years ago. There is no way in hell BioDad was going to allow my Wife to enter his home. Those video's and pictures earned BioDad a severe tongue lashing from the Judge about BioDad's life style, condition of the visitation environment and BioDad's gangbanger wannabe appearance.
Keep BM's gonads on the chopping block with the facts of her pathetic existence. It is in the best interests of the Skid to keep her nose to the grindstone to either fix her life or get her out of the Skids life.
Personally I do not expect BioDad to provide an environment equivalent to that which my Wife and I provide. He is too stupid, lazy and pathetic to even come close. What I do expect is a clean, healthy environment that is supportive of my SS's good behavior, does not take advantage of his caring nature and where he has at least equitable importance to that of his half sibs and the spawn of any GirlFriends that may rotate through the environment.
Your Skid is only five and has a long horizon to have to deal with his BM's druggy slut ways. My SS has been dealing with this since he was 2yo and he is nearly 17. BioDad eventually abdicated his parental responsibilities to his mother (SpermGrandMa) where at least the environment is tolerably clean. In a typical 5wk summer visitation my SS sees SpermDad for a total of about 6 partial days.
Good luck and best regards,
Ew
That's nasty...
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
3? Try 3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
But, the top three are..........
1. He has a long distinguished history of inappropriate sexual relationships with children. My Wife was 16 and BioDad was 22 when my SS was born. He had dated Wife's best friend, 15-16yo, before he dated my wife and left my wife and SS for another 16yo, when my Wife was 18. He had to marry that one so that we did not have his ass thrown in prison for statutory rape during the first Custody/Visitation/Support hearing. He divorced her 6mos after the hearing and moved on to another teen.
2. He has four out-of-wedlock children with three different mothers. He has not figured out that if he keeps his pecker in his pants that he would not have more unwanted kids to support. IDIOT! He is on a one man quest to impregnate every available womb in North America. It would be the whole world except that he is to much of a #9#$& to fly.
3. He does not pay CS on any of his children. Historically his Mommy (SpermDonialGrandMa)pays the CS for my SS and for Spawn #2, until WombDonor #2 dumped the kid off at SpermGrandMa's, and raises Spawns #3 and #4 in her home. He lives in a rental property owned by SpermGrandMommy and pays no rent. F'N LOOSER!
So, in a nut shell he is the most significant POS I have ever encountered and should be in prison for multiple counts of statutory rape and child abandonment and picking up soap in the shower for his inmate husband Bubba who is hung like a frickin donkey.
I truly despise the asshole.
Phew, I feel better now.
Best regards,
Here goes:
I think this could be considered 1 or 2 issues rather than 3!
1)BM is constantly coming in and out of their lives. She gets involved for a little bit but mostly if the kids call her or beg her for visitations! It is usually the kids that keep whatever kind of relationship they have with her open.
2)Whenever BM does have them I truly do believe she is always running her mouth about my husband and I...or at least me simply because she is jealous of the relationship I have with the kids. Also for fear she will lose them to me completely. Plus she favors SD over SS!
3) BM's boyfriend (the alcoholic prick) and their friends ALWAYS, ALWAYS...get put first before the kids. She spends most of her time with them at bars or drinking at their houses (their home as well as their friends homes).
I can sum it up in 1
She's an evil, Spawn of Satan, Beast Bitch.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.
Easy.
1. Paternity fraud
2. manipulative liar
3. money hungry b!tch
4. convicted felon
oops. I went over!
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
the main issues I have with BM
1: One minute we are her best friends(when she needs/wants something) and in the next minute we are evil and against her ( cause wecan't/won't help).
2: She believes she is the only parent that will/can look after, support, love, teach SS 15months.
3: Because of her GOD complex she is screwing up her three children.
We could be in the home stretch
Because kids are almost grown, finances almost settled, we moved many miles away...but here goes
1. She is emotionally dishonest, and dishonest in general. She wanted the divorce, cheated, etc.--but made DH the bad guy during the divorce. "You left us." She withheld information about the kids, like SS not attending school, flunking, arrested for pot, court actions, etc. Never tells DH anything, not even when SS changed schools. He found out from his mom. She also slandered DH to his kids, friends and family and the entire town, part of her abandoned woman routine.
2. She is not a parent. Once DH moved out, the house went to hell, trash all over the place, 3 or 4 kids sleeping on the floors, SD had boys overnight, pot smoking and drinking in basement, etc. Allowed SD to drive DH's car without permission, let her wreck SD's own new/used car, etc. (driving without a license). Once she called DH to say, "SS is sick," from her BF's house. SS was home alone.
3. She kept trying to screw over DH, even though he was more than fair with her. Property was not settled during the divorce and we worked hard to figure out solutions so she could keep the house. Every time, she tried to take away DH's small pay-off and keep it all for herself. Greedy pig.
So: dishonest, lazy, greedy. Her attitude made things so much worse for everyone, especially those kids.
My 3 issues:
1) she never contacts her kids
2) she does not work
3) the PAS she inflicted on the kids
I'm working on letting go & forgiving her, but it's so hard!
I have a lot of problems
I have a lot of problems with my step sons mother. Honestly I just think people like her should not be moms.
1. He is never bathed when we pick him up. His feet are black, he has dried poop in his diaper, he stinks and his clothes are always dirty.
2. Her house is dirty, she has 2 children and 5 dogs, there is dog poop everywhere and she lets her children crawl on the floor.
3. She send him to our home with medication for that are not his and expects me to give it to her.
4. He had a diaper rash and she took him to the ER stating I was trying to kill him and that is how he got it.
5. She would rather get drunk than take care of her children. He was sick one weekend when we took him home, asleep by the time we got there. Took him inside the music was so loud you could hear it down the street and she wouldnt turn it down or let him just stay the night at our house.
6. Her children are beautiful and she take absolutly no pride in them.
7. We pay her 99.92 a week in child support and every other week end she tells my fiancee she does not have the money to but him diapers and milk. (She has no job, she is on food stamps, medicaid, TANF, and WIC)
8. As i Said He Is On Medicaid, She Cannot Even Get him to a doctor when he is sick unless she thinks I habve hurt him.
I Do Not think She Deserves a to take care of her children, they are beautiful, I wish I could something for them but only being the step mother, I cannot do anything but tell him that I love him and help him when he needs it.
That's an easy one...
1) She was born
2) She is still breathing
3) She married and reproduced with my husband after lying about her sexuality.