Going to court to be added to DH Orders
Last year my dh joined the air force. During his basic training and tech school BM did not allow me to pick up or see my 5SS. ( i was pregnant at the time) During this time BM brought up suggestion that i could be added to the orders... In Aug. of 2008 i went to attorney and DH wants me added so we payed attorney to draw up new orders and to be served with orders. BM would not sign and said that we would have to go to court blah blah that she doesnt want me added. Our court date is next Monday and i pray that i am able to be added for my families sake
To me i come from a mixed family i have 2StepSisters and one halfbrother i feel like i was able to spend time with my brothers and sisters. All i want for my daughter and any future children that DH and i have to be able to see and spend time with their brother.
Now BM is upset because DH has never had 5SS or the summer visitation and this year we are. BM does not want DH to have SS all 30 days and wants the time to be broken up into separates weeks... I told DH that when we are stationed in another ST or country that we cant split up the time with SS.
Any advice about summer visitation and dealing with evil BM
Its all very stressful and DH doesnt like to 'get into' with BM... I hate it but cant take it much longer either...
Here's my 2 cents...
BM has probably never been apart from SS for so long a time, so part of what she's feeling is normal. I'm not a BM (I had miscarriage) but it can't be easy to be away from your kid for a whole month.
So, try to meet her in the middle. Assure her that you'll have SS call her every night, and, because you're in the same state as her, maybe allow her every weekend/ every other weekend visitation. I know that you probably won't be able to do this in the future, but this can help her slowly get used to SS's being away for so long, but still give her scheduled contact with him. I don't recommend this a lot, but try to put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel and act if you knew your child would be going away for a month?
However, I do think you should he allowed to get/drop off SS. I hope you succeed in getting that in the court order. Once that is in place, hold her to it. If she violates it, take the appropriate actions suggested by your lawyer.
I would feel the same way...
My BS5 and I have never been apart for more than 5 days...and that has only been a couple times. Its rough, on me AND him. I couldn't imagine it being for a whole month! His dad lives out of state so he isn't in his daily life. He gets him every few months, usually for just a weekend, sometimes on school breaks its 4-5 days (and my exH is very much a disneyland daddy because of it) So they have fun non stop, but after a few days BS5 starts to miss us. I would ease both BM & SS5 into a month long visitation by letting them see each other in between, even if its just a day or two here and there. At 5 yrs old, he will probably get homesick. It doesn't have to always be like that, but since he is young & this is the first time, I would recommend it.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Ok if the relationship was
Ok if the relationship was better between us and BM i wouldnt mind allowing some times during the summer for her to visit with SS5 but let me just say that she is not the best person to get along with. I wouldnt mind BM calling nightly but when it makes SS5 upset and cries for his mother what do we do??? We have standard court orders and she is allowed ONE weekend from friday at 6pm til sunday at 6pm. DH and i agreed that we would allow from thursday to sunday to give more time with BM. ANd this is after two weeks with him. WE are only trying to follow the court order.
Yes
Dh has standard orders and we are allowed 30 days during summer we still live in same city at the moment. DH has never been in position to have SS during summer but now that we are married and i am staying at home with baby we are. BM believes that we are trying to be mean by doing this but that i not what we are tryin to do. this is the time that we choose. We went by order and supplied the paper stating when we wanted SS before the date on orders. BM wants her way and wanted to do 2 wks one month and 2wks another but we have already planned all vacation during july...
I would not mind allowing her visit with him but im afraid that it would be hard for SS to come back home with us. BM is the type of mom who still treats SS5 like a baby and cries that she misses him... only making SS upset when we have him only for weekend...
I see both sides on this. My Wife is the CP for my SS and he
lives with us. Even now (SS is nearly 17) and after dealing with a ~1wk Winter, 1wk Spring and 5wks Summer visitation schedule since before the Skid was 2yo my Wife still has problems putting him on a plane for visitation with the SpermClan.
However, we have never interfered with SS's visitations with BioDad and the SpermClan. We are allowed to take a 10day visitation with SS sometime after the first two weeks of his Summer visitation in BioDad's region of residence. We have tried this in the past but SpermGrandMa gets bent out of shape about it and takes it out on the Skid so we have never taken it even though it is in the CO. We don't want him to have to deal with the manipulative Psycho toothless SpermClan crap. It is our job to protect him from THEIR crap so we have never had SS for 4th of July.
If we were to take the 10days in the middle of the Summer 5wk BioDad/Skid visitation then the Skid returns to BioDad to complete whatever remains of the Summer 5wks.
So, in this one area we allow them to manipulate us. But, we hold all of the other cards and do not budge an inch on anything they ask for that is in excess of the CO. "Remember the summer when you would not allow us to take our mid Summer 10day visitation? ............ Don't even ask for anything that is not specifically called out for in the CO. The answer is and always will be NO!" Then they whine, cry gnash their teeth (what few they have) and pout about how they are so unfairly treated by us and the CO and how we are mean and evil for not allowing them more time with SS and allowing them to reduce CS so that they can provide nice things for the 3 out-of-wedlock half sibs like SS has ......... Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
There inability to support their Son's quest to impregnate every available womb in North America is not my problem and I could not give a flying rats ass about their opinion on anything.
So, I can understand the hesitancy for BM to give the kid up for an extended summer visitation. My wife struggles with it 3x per year to this day. But, your DH has visitation and he should get it without any push back from BM and without any interruption or manipulation by BM
I do not believe that you (StepMom) need to be added to the judgement in any way. Dad (your DH) can do with his visitation time what he wishes including not seeing the kid and letting the kid spend time with extended family, StepParents, StepSibs, etc..... Also, most basic guidelines for Visitation allow for the parent responsible for transportation to provide that transportation as their discretion and designate any competent party to provide that transportation ...... including AirLines, grand parents, bus lines, taxi, or anyone else related or unrelated to the child that BioDad designates. From the time my SS was 2yo until he was able to fly as an unaccompanied minor BioDad or SpermGrandMa (the primary parent to my SS during visitation since BioDad rarely sees the kid) never came to get him. He always sent his own GrandFather or his sisters M-I-L to get the Skid and take him to visitation. THEY even would ask us to fly to drop the Skid off then fly to come pick him up. Several times they offered to let my Wife's family members fly to get the Skid and bring him back to THEM for visitation..
I would recommend that you save your money as far as going back to court to have you added to the Judgement. Unless I am missing something there should be no need to go to that expense.
Good luck,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
Rags I disagree, Tryin2stystrong
The thing that struck me about your blog Tryin is that, if I read it right, BM suggested that you be added to the CO. Lo and behold! DH and you agree, think it's a good idea and pursue. And then she balks, and refuses to sign the papers. It's a load of crap and she is playing with you guys. Get yourself added to the CO. And continue visitation if your DH is deployed. You are right about wanting your Stepchild to have a familial relationship with their siblings.
Also - I don't know how many of you non-custodial step parents have dealt with this yet, but get your name on the health insurance, etc. DH and I have always carried the health insurance for SD. When it was time to get her to a counselor, I was calling and if I mentioned that I was stepmom, they wouldn't speak to me, or asked to speak to my DH!! Even though my name and address and phone number were on the policy!! DH had to write a letter authorizing me as a party that is okay to divulge info to and that I can call and get information, etc. We also did this at SD's school, etc. so they know who I am and BM cannot block info from us.
Tryin2stystrong - it just sounds like you are trying to have a relationship with this kid and BM is throwing roadblocks in your way. Get the CO and get your name out there on insurance and stuff if you can. God Forbid you need this access and don't have it when an urgent time strikes!!
Yes you read it correctly
Yes you read it correctly SHE is the one who brought up suggestion of me being added to CO. And then did not want to sign the order so yes she is making it difficult and it feels like she is jerking us around. It is so hard to deal with custodial parent sometimes more with this BM she thinks about how it is going to affect her not SS.
If DH is deployed he will be goin next year from june until January so missing the summer and holidays... so all the more that i want to be added to CO so we(grandparents/daughter) are able to spend time with SSm during this time.
DH has insurance for SS and I am able to talk to insurance company and make changes if needed.
Thank you for the support sometimes i feel like some people look at me so ugly because i want to be added to CO but I'm not thinking myself its for my family and my daughter.
Tryin...
They look at you ugly because you want to be added to CO to give your SS a great family relationship? Please... what you are doing is soo much harder.... IGNORE THEM. You're not trying to get BM off... you're trying to get yourself ON. And YOU ARE a part of that family!!! You have the child's best interests at heart. Good luck.. don't let the BM get you on this one!!
She says that she spoke with
She says that she spoke with someone from the courthouse when DH was away and the courthouse stated that i am not able to pick up SS5 when DH is not going to be home
Jal
I don't think that "People at the courthouse" give out legal advice on the phone to strangers. This woman is a game player and a manipulator. If you and your DH want to continue the SS relationship.... get an attorney and petition the court. DO NOT just take whatever she says at her word.
Bullshit, BullShit, BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She "spoke" to "someone" at the courthouse who told her that you could not pick up the Skid if DH was not going to be home?
Unless that "someone" was the JUDGE and unless that "someone" made a ruling during a hearing to have this stipulated in the CO then she could have talked directly to GOD and it would make a damned bit of difference.
She is full of shit and is attempting to play you and the situation. Call her on it. Tell her you called the courthouse and spoke with "someone" in the telecom office and that they track every call and every topic discussed and she never called or spoke to anyone at the courthouse. Then tell her you are suing her for unlawfully attempting to defraud you and DH with time with DH's child and that the Sherriff is on his way to serve her with the papers and that legal precedent indicates that not only will she lose custody of her children but that 100% of her income will likely be attached for support of the kid and that a lean will be put on her home, vehicles all of her personal property and that all future tax returns will be forfeit to DH for support of the children. Because..... "someone" at the courthouse told you that that is what would happen to her.
All of course is complete BULSHIT but no more so than the crap she is spewing.
Get a lawyer and nail her ass to the wall of her flip-flopping and get the judgment tightened up so you can more effectively beat her ass with it on a regular basis.
Have fun with this. Anyone can play the "I called the court house and spoke with "someone" who told me ......" Kick her ass at her own game.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
Holly
If Bm wasn't playing games and seemed like a rational person, then I'd agree with you. But BM suggested that Tryin be put on the CO and then fought it. Clearly she is stirring the pot. My fear for Tryin would be once her DH is deployed. If Tryin is not on the CO, what can enforce BM to let Tryin see the child and have visitation? Nothing, as far as I can tell...
Holly you are funny, but
BM would find out that DH is deployed, somehow, someway. Do you think that SS wouldn't mention it if asked? He's too young to know what not to say!! I have been told in the past that BM's can stop SM's from seeing children if DH is not in the picture. Just because we are married to DH, does not mean we have a legal right to a child! That's what I've been told. My DH travels for a living and is gone months at a time. SD lives with DH and I. We were worried that BM would have an issue with SD living with just me, while DH is away. And, she did have a problem with it... "Ohhh so you're going to live with just Stick, while daddy is gone? " Like I'm an incapable.... We were told that BM could fight it!! Luckily, SD is 15 and can tell the court exactly where she wants to live and why, so BM would lose and that would be very embarrassing for her. I'm sure that if BM thought that she could win and keep SD away from me (and therefore away from bonding with me, or paying child support) she would fight it! We did go in to the mediator and ask for assistance in filing new paperwork, showing that SD was living with me, under my care, while DH was away. That's why I'm worried for Tryin. You can say that BM knows that SM is picking up SS, but that doesn't mean she has an LEGAL OBLIGATION to turn the child over. That's what the problem is. Making her have that legal obligation. Moral obligation - yes, BM should be morally obligated to do the right thing for her child. Unfortunately, this woman doesn't sound like that argument would work for her. Tryin needs to play the COVER THEIR ASS game, unfortunately, since BM seems to be a bit whacked.
Failure to turn the kid over to a transporter authorized by NCP
would put BM in a position of obstructing visitation and ultimately put her in contempt of court.
Just because BioDad is deployed does not mean that he and his child cannot have a meaningful interface. Telephone, e-mail, Skype (with web cam), etc ..... Just because BioDad is not living where he usually lives does not forfeit his visitation.
My Parents were 12 time zones away for half of my life beginning when I was 15. We remained close through mail, telephone and coordinated vacations. My brother and his family are 13 time zones away and we interface regularly via FB, Skype, telephone and coordinated vacations.
Even with a face to face visitation there are relatively few hours per day spent together. Sleep, school, work, and other misc events take away from time together with the average time spent together per day at ~4-6hrs. Somewhat higher on week ends.
I agree with you Stick.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
Jal
Did you see this post, I think it has to do with your same issue....
http://www.steptalk.org/node/8297
whoops thats me from like
whoops thats me from like last year when all this started... i kept forgetting my sign on name so i changed my screen name. from tryin2stystrong to jal0318.