My stepdaughter is incredibly demanding, how do I set boundaries?
When my husband and I married his daughter (SD10) lived full time with his exW. We had her three weekends per month. My daughter (BD5) was 18 months when we began dating, because my first husband has passed away, my new husband has chosen to adopt BD5. Things in our family were easy and drama-free. Then the ex decided to move out of the country and didn't want SD10 to come with her so SD10 came to live with us full time. Needless to say this was an overwhelming change for all of us. We made the mistake of focusing exclusively on how traumatic the change was for SD10 and how concerned we were about her feelings of abandonement. What I didn't consider was how it would change my daughter's life dramatically and her place in the family (going from being the only child and "big girl" most of the time to being the little sister), nor did I realize that I resented going from a part time SM to being a full-time caregiver to a child who in turns resents me and yet clings to me because she's afraid to be left again.
As a result, my SD10 has become incredibly demanding of my attention and love. She's constantly wanting me to show her that I love her as much as my BD5 and then accusing of me of treating her worse, giving her less, etc than I do my BD5. She'll call me her "mommy" and ask me to spend special time with her but if I discipline her for ANYTHING, or if I intervene in a fight between her and my BD and take my little one's side she accuses me of treating her unfairly and immediately gets on the phone to her mother to vent about me. Of course, because her mother feels guilty for leaving and wants to drive a wedge between SD and I she encourages all of her anger towards me...
I deal with it by withdrawing. Sometimes I just try to minimize my interactions with my SD to protect my feelings but that just makes matters worse because she gets really clingy.
I love her but it's really hard to be a full-time mom to a kid who's been so emotionally (and physically) abandoned by her real mom. She will always make the point of putting me second to her BM but she demands a ton of my attention and affection and will get angry with me if she ever senses that I'm putting my BD first. Look. I understand this little girl has gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to her parents divorcing, her mom leaving, etc. But my heart belongs to my little girl. Why do I feel guilty for loving my little one as much as any mother should? I love my SD but it's not the same. I missed half her life that she was being parented by another mother and the fact of the matter is she doesn't love me like she does her real mom. But that's OK. I get that. Why then do I feel guilty for not loving her exactly as I do my real daughter?
I'm tired of the constant competition between my SD and my daughter. I'm tired of feeling as though I have to make it up to her that her mom left, when it's no more my fault than it was my SD's fault. She was complaining to me that "she didn't have a choice" (meaning coming to live with us full time) and I want to say, "We didn't have a choice either." I guess that's the thing I'm most upset about. Our world's changed DRAMATICALLY and the only one who truly got the choice in this matter was my husband's exW.
This sounds like a difficult
This sounds like a difficult situation for everyone involved (except BM) When a BM isn't doing her job, it is assumed that Stepmoms should be ready and willing to step up and be Superwoman, automatically adjusting faster than a speeding bullet. Adjusting to a child isn't going to happen over night, and you shouldn't be hard on yourself if its not happening quick enough for the other parties. I am also in a situation where I do it all, while BM lives a responsiblity free life. It's tough. There's so many new expectations put on you, and a child can leave you feeling emotionally drained. You will feel resentment at times. Therapy helped me. Are there any chances BM will be moving back? Do you have a good enough relationship with her that you, or DH could tell her this arrangement isn't working out and that she needs to move back and share some of the responsibility?
In it for the long haul
Thanks for the kind words. I don't know many stepmom's in my real life with whom I can compare notes. It's good to have my experiences validated.
I don't think the BM ever really wanted the responsibility of raising the child once the marriage ended but she needed the CS because she didn't want to work. Once she blew through her alimony she remarried (met the guy and married him within 6 months) to a man who lives and works in another country. I don't really think it will last. And when it ends she'll move back but I don't think she'll be persuaded to move back until then. He's her sole source of support.
I definitely need to talk to a therapist because I feel stress and tension every time I'm at home. My SD is so competitive that when I arrive home from work she will race my BD to the door to be the first one to hug me and has been known to grab my BD (BD is 5, SD is 10) by the collar of her shirt and hold her back so that SD can get to me first...