help
hi im new here ,out of sheer desperation imwriting this ,my husband and i of 22 yrs split up last year 2008 i have 3 daughters,two living togeather and my youngest lives with her dad during week and with me at weekends,iv met my partner who lives with me now 9 months ago my ex who also has a girlfriend my problem is our 14yr old daughter she plays my ex and i off eachother she has no respect for me, her father,, my partner or my husbands partner she calls me rude names and does nothing to help exects my partner and i too run round for her and be abusive at same time my partne has had enough and i dont blame him how do i get through to her she just cant treat us like this when i confront her she gets hostile and goes from my house to my daughters or to her dads and does the same there please help any advice would be very grateful.
You enforce strict rules.
First you start disciplining the kid. When she breaks a rule, large or small, there is a consequence. She has a phone, TV, computer, iPod, or whatever right? When she breaks a rule you take it away. She may end up with a room with nothing in it but a bed and a dresser. So what?
If it gets bad enough you put her out on the front porch and change the locks. I'm serious. Take her to your daughters house and leave her there. Take her to the police station and tell them she is out of control and you're leaving her there. They'll tell you that there are consequences for parents who abandon children - its a crime. Tell them you understand that but it doesn't matter because it's worse living with a kids who .......whatever she's doing..... Then you walk out.
If you want more information on this type of discipline go to Amazon.com and use the search to find books on "Tough Love".
Listen why do I have to tell you that you're the adult here? She is totally dependent on her parents for her existance. Without you there is no food, housing, electronic stuff, clothing, etc. You make it clear that you'll furnish her with nothing but the basic needs. Cheap food, very little electricity and clothes from the Salvation Army. Take charge woman.
It's time for you all to
It's time for you all to come together and figure this out. If she is treating all three of you like crap, then you need to deal together so she has no safe haven to run to and continue the cycle. Next time she leaves, help her pack. Tell her that you're sorry she feels like she cannot live here, give her enough clothing to see her thru the week, and drive her to her dads or your daughters. Tell her that since she made this decision, that she'll have to stick to it. You will not allow her back in for # of months or a year. Then when she does the same thing to the next person, they can tell her the same thing, and again until she has nowhere else to go.
Take away her spending money, her nice clothes, her phone, ipod, etc. She doesn't deserve it.
Oh, and quit running around for her. Orange County- I wouldn't even leave her with a dresser. She can leave her clothes in paper bags or piles on the floor. I would make sure she knows that the paper bags work out better for the next time she wants to leave. It'll cut down on packing time.
OK, that was the "I hate entitled children"
part of me blogging. Now, from my more rational/sensitive side:
Why do you think she is behaving this way? It seems like you have both moved on pretty quickly. Your DD is going thru a very emotional hormonal period now, and it must be hard to see her parents divorce and move on so quickly. Does she feel like neither or you care about her anymore? Does she feel like you are both focusing more on the needs of your partners than her? Notice I said needs, not wants. Her whole life and her identity has been torn in half. I don't know how your marraige was, but 22 years is a long time. She has built herself around you and her father, her persona has been formulated with both your influence. Maybe she is lashing out at this rupture that happened in what she thought was once whole?
She is old enough now to be left home alone. Are you and her father constantly leaving her alone at night to go out on dates with your partners? Are you spending any one on one time with her? Did either of you move on before the papers were filed? Is she aware of this, and that is what made her lose respect??
Maybe you can share more of the situation so we know how to answer and help.
She is angry
and confused. She is angry because after 9 months of knowing someone, you moved him in. She's 14 and needs a lot of attention. Your husband also has a new honey so that is a double whammy.
There are only 4 more years until she is an adult. Have your bf move out and give your daughter the stability that she needs. There is too much drama for her.
These 4 years are going to shape her morality, her character and her GPA. Give her a grounded adolesence. Your love-life can wait. If you mess up raising your kids, not much else matters (Jacklyn Kennedy).
If her parents are both living out of wedlock you are teaching her that that is okay.
She needs you right now, more than ever.