How can you tell if your DH has found someone else . . .
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.... I'm under "Aged Stepmom Needs Support from 12/01 if you wish to catch up on my background. Since someone recently suggested to me via this site that I don't have a step-daughters' problem in my marriage, I have a MARRIAGE problem, a couple more of my dear girlfriends have said to me "He is already moving on, he's having a affair". How can you TELL???? I'm lost and forelorn . . . am I making a fool out of myself in thinking this has been a problem with his daughters? HELP me if you can! Thanks everyone!
There's no way to know for
There's no way to know for sure unless you catch him in the act or he flat out tells you. But there are signs.
For instance...is he secretive with his phone?? Taking it to the bathroom with him, getting up and leaving the room when he gets calls, telling the person on the other end that he'll call them back if he's near you. Is he texting more than he usually does or does he get angry if you look in his phone.
Other possible signs are if he's leaving for work early more often or coming home late. Running more errands than he usually does and taking over an hour to get home.
Is he defensive or accusing you of cheating? remember, guilty minds will accuse others to get the attention off of themselves.
Has he been hanging out with friends more often??
I'm not saying he is cheating if he's doing any of these, but these were a few things my last serious boyfriend did when he was cheating. So...just because these were specific in my situation doesn't mean the it's the same thing for your situation.
Like I said, you can't know for sure unless you catch him or he admits it.
i'm really sorry you're going through this! I know the feeling of constant worry and always wanting to know where he is, what he's doing and who he's with. It drives you crazy after awhile.
I really hope everything works out for you.
Wow, 1221, you have really
Wow, 1221, you have really made me think, thank you! Yes, he was secretive for a while with his phone, but he said he was leaving yet another un-returned voice message for his older daughter while still trying to mend their disconnect. I don't know what to think. He has been leaving for work early and coming home late but it's Xmas time and he works at UPS . . . his job changed recently and it has been hell. I think that's where his deep depression kicked in -- he is older, age 56 and not financially able to retire and doesn't think he'll be able to do the job much longer (more expectations, company layoffs, force retirements, etc.) To top that off, he has done a complete 360-degree, he has just not been the man I knew or that our dear friends knew. Suddenly he HAD to try to reconnect with the daughters he allowed to adopt themselves out of his life, and he has trouble realizing that now that he has some extra time on his hands, they have simplly moved on! Plus, he was married to his ex (their bio-mom) for ten years and when he couldn't handle that he came and went to hotels five and six times . . . always going back because he didn't want to leave the kids. So he has a history of this behavior. Suddenly he wants his football games to himself and he wants to go out with the guys . . . so I let him. I need the roof! I don't believe he is cheating (I've confronted him MANY times saying I would rather fight that than his damn family) but of course he denies it. He is so messed up in the head, I doubt he could be there for anyone else. He is out with his best friend (I do trust him) tonight watching the Game in a bar downtown. I just let him go. You are right, he is driving me crazy, but I'm trying to move on -- I've been applying for jobs and signed up for a new course at the tech college. I'm trying to move on! Thanks so much for your valuable advice!
Lonely - I don't pretend to
Lonely - I don't pretend to be an expert but the fact that he has stayed out several nights in a motel is suspicious! It also seems cruel for him to blame you for the long time estrangement from his grown children when he had the ability to say no to the adoptions but did not! Your husband needs to assume responsibility for his own actions or inactions all of those years ago not blame it on you at this late date! Is this typical of him or is this something new? Has he always deflected his role in decisions by placing the blame on others when things do not turn out the way he likes????
Really - only you would know if there have been any recent changes in his behavior towards you that you would need to follow up on.
You may need to spend some time doing a little investigative search of your own to find out if he has moved on or is considering doing so. Check his spending (all financial records you can get your hands on), phone records, etc. to see if you find anything suspicous. Check the hotel bill to see if there are any suspicous charges.
It could be a mid life reassessment on his part that may be temporary - no matter what you find, so you need to decide what you would want to do whatever the result of your search ends up being. Either way, find out as much as you can so that you are prepared both financially and emtotionally.
... oh yes, as I explained
... oh yes, as I explained to 1221 above he has done this behavior before in his first marriage, coming and going from the home several times because he couldn't leave his kids but couldn't stand the ex-wife or marriage (he was forced to marry her at 16 because she got pregnant, his mom drove them to Michigan and they got married, then he went back to high school the next day and his ex quit school to have the oldest daughter). We had words before he left for the hotel this past Saturday -- I told him he is a coward and has been all his life. He keeps copping out on his kids and then wonders why they disowned him??? Now me -- copping out on me. He has always blamed everyone for everything . . . I think it goes back to his mother forcing the marriage . . . he doesn't want to allow another woman to stand in his way! That's the way he treated his kids, never exercising visitation and now blaming me for not getting visitation when we could?????? He is unbelievable. But I love the idiot. My sister has faith in him and believes he is sick in mid-life crisis . . but that it will take up to a year to get over it. I don't know if I can hold out that long, but on the other hand, I rely solely on him (I haven't worked in six years, I lost my career as a result of nurturing his) and need the roof as I say. I am moving forward, tho. I am watching all accounts and making copies of his expense reports and checking accounts. And keeping track of the "hotel stays" . . . so far so good, but that doesn't mean he's not sharing the room! For now, I just welcome your much needed support. Thank you thank you thank you!
Adding to SD1221 things to
Adding to SD1221 things to notice, sex is also a strong give away. The advances stop or are turned down. Sometimes advances increase but with a different style as before. He suddenly gets worried about getting you pregnant even if that is well taken care of.
Catching him in other lies. Cheaters' dishonesty tends to have a rippling effect. Are there CONSISTANT times you just can't reach him, he's MIA for no apparent reason?-- and if you ask him about it does he gives you a lame excuse?
Another thing, don't ingnore your instincts. A private detective told me years ago that 99% of the time if you feel like there's an affair your probably right. And cheaters almost never admit to cheating. They'd rather let you think you're crazy.
I truely hope that its your friends paranoia then the real deal. It's pure agony if it is. You'll be in my thoughts.
I'm so glad you brought this
I'm so glad you brought this up, StepChicka . . . he announced to me (when this started Labor Day '09!) that he has no feelings for me any more and that he loves me but "is not in love with me". He has told me he has no "passion" and doesn't know if he will ever get it back. I have to admit, and I'm not ashamed, that I went (and still going thru) thru severe menapausal problems that started about four years ago. But he was patient with me and finally I had to pull myself up by the straps and get healthy. I did that and now that I'm getting well and feeling more like a woman again, he sleeps in our bed but with pillows between us. One day in a fight he told me he was "at this point just using you for sex". I cried for five days!!! I never thought after 22 yrs of marriage and 28 yrs together it would ever happen to me! But we are still together and I told him he can do what he wants, I'm not going any where -- I sleep with a photo of us together so happy taken 13 yrs ago. I told him I want "us" back and I'll wait. But I don't know for how much longer . . . I should mention that when he was still married to his ex and torn between leaving or staying he took his shotgun out of the trunk and put it to his head. His ex-wife caught him (this was in the car sitting in the driveway) and called to the police, who, back then, just talked him out of it . . . he was drunk and domestic disputes hadn't been heard of yet! You make a good point, don't ignore the instincts. My sister is afraid he'll try suicide again!!! Gees. Who knew!!!!
You do not deserve for
You do not deserve for anyone to talk to you this way. I know you are caught between a rock and a hard place. You need the roof, you've been together for 28 years, but how can you respect him after he talks to you this way?
If you don't do something, he will beat you down, not in the physical sense, but emotionally. You really need to try to get to the point where you can take care of yourself. No one else will. This treatment of women in his life is a pattern and he will not quit with you. You cannot fix him, you can only fix yourself.
We tend to stay in our comfort zone even though it is not really comfortable. It is habit, it is easier than change.
I am not advocating divorce or leaving, just needing to do what is best for you. Take steps to take care of yourself. Take steps to be able to take care of yourself financially and emotionally.
Ah Lonelyone you've written
Ah Lonelyone you've written more details now. I don't believe your DH is cheating as much as he's seriously depressed and needs professional help. He's at the age of reflection. With that can come remorse, regret, and guilt especially the way things have turned out with his children. In his mind he's played the hand he's been dealt with and that's it. In a sense its true, a lot of damage may have been done and too much time has passed. He needs a professional that can help him learn coping strategies and possibly meds. Ironically, my dad went through this when he was 56.
As for him blaming you, he's just projecting his guilt onto you so don't take it too personal--that's much easier said than done I know! He's in a sick state and can't rationalize anymore. You've said in a previous post something to the effect of having to pull up your boot straps. Now that you have done this you need to help him with his. Regardless of what he thinks, love or doesn't, he needs you. You are his rock dear even if he doesn't know it.