Vacation is now an issue.....
My husbands kids want to dictate when we can vacation! I know this is long, but please help me!
My husband and I married 3 years ago. I have an eight year old and he has a 14 year old girl and 16 year old boy. My daughter lives with us full time and goes to her dads 2 weekends a month, so my husband and I are basically her full-time parents. His children live 2 1/2 hours away and come to see us 2 weekencd a month.
Last year my husband, me and my daughter went to visit my mom in FLA. HIs kids were completely ticked off....saying we should be taking them and we pick and choose when we take them places. Their mother takes them nowhere....we have taken them on several trips.
before we were married, my daughter and i would go to visit my mom at lest twice a year.
I work and make my own money and feel i should be able to vacation when i want, with whom i want....it is logistically and financially difficult for us all to go on every trip. If we went by their rules I would have to take the trip either 1) without my husband or 2) without my daughter 3) only when we call all go. My mom and daughter are very close (she used to live near us and took care of her as an infant while i worked)...i will not go visit my mom without her granddaughter. the other option is to leave my husband home alone, since they live 2 1/2 hours away -- he will be completely left alone just b/c his kids think its unfair. In addition, my daughter's father does not pitch in extra time, so i would have to find someone to watch her while i go away - That is not going to happen.
Please help me....
am i wrong to be angry about this?
This really isn't an issue!
This really isn't an issue! They are teenagers and they DO NOT CALL THE SHOTS!! That simple!
"And this too shall pass..."
Thank you!!! I really just
Thank you!!! I really just needed validation that I am not wrong to feel this way....I plan to vacation and hate the thought of them telling us how to live our lives!!!!
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with the parent being the adult and the child being THE CHILD. Make it known to all in the house that is how it is. The minute you take orders from a child your f*cked.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with having family time alone with your daughter. You said that you do take his kids on vacations. They don't have to go on everyone. Your daughter deserves some mommy time too without the skids.
Don't stress over it.
I think you should go to FL
I think you should go to FL with your husband and daughter. Don't let the skids make parental decisions on behalf of you and DH.
Thank you all!!! It's
Thank you all!!! It's completey frustrating to me.... They have gone over the line!
Don't let them dictate what
Don't let them dictate what you do. His kids tried early on, we just ignored their complaints. Now we do one vacation with them a year. One for us at least. Several weekends with just us has helped. With all the drama lately, I am thinking we need a weekend away again.
NEVER let a child,
NEVER let a child, regardless of what age dictate anything. You and your dh will decide. His kids visit and do not live with you and they will not dictate where and when you will go and who will go. I'm in teh same boat as you! I have two skids , teens and both get ticked,,,especially older one when our family goes off on vacation , doesnt' matter where. She complained sayign her mother takes her no where...my dh handled it, He told her what her mother doens't do or does in her household , under her roof is not his business. If we want to go on vacation anywhere and cannot afford extra people to be with us, than so be it. and we can't. My dh CS payments along with other bills suck him dry. So guess who pays for me , him and my son. You guessed it!!! ME , so i told my dh, they can't come i have no money left to afford two others on a trip along with the additives of the trip...sorry.
Wow! Really? You don't
Wow! Really? You don't take skids on vacation? If we take any kids, then we take ALL the kids, otherwise DH and I go alone. Skids have never been anywhere with BM, if they have been on any trip at all it's been with us. Sure it sucks that BM gets a giant CS check and then we ALSO pay for them on vacation but it's worth it in the long run to me. But that's just me.
Even if you don't do it for
Even if you don't do it for yourself, you really need to do it for your daughter. My x-husbands kids, before we got custody of them, used to visit every other weekend. We only did things on the weekends that they visited. My x would say that he needed one weekend to recoup. We only planned vacations when it was his time to get them.
My kids grew up resenting that and me for allowing that to happen. I can't say as I blame them. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back over it, my girls are dead on. Don't do that to your daughter.
I cannot afford it
I cannot afford it ...sorry...i can take them on mini trips...but no big ones...
1. Make a vacation plan
1. Make a vacation plan with what you and your daughter needs.
2. Add in your husband and his daughter's "suggestions".
3. Definitely do #1.
4. If you can work #2 in, do so.
Don't let kids tell you what to do. Do what you need to do and try to work in their suggestions. Don't feel guilty either.
A trip to florida, for
A trip to florida, for everyone, to see your mom, shouldn't cost too much more, to take 2 more children. Does your Mother ( StepGrandma) know the children? The gas would be the same. Food a little higher,(pack meals in a cooler)You can buy the little cereal packs for breakfast, and buy a pint/quart of milk at a store for 2.00 and feed everyone pretty cheap, instead of eating 3 meals day when on the road in restuarants. Stop at walmart on the road,( instead of a fancy resturant) and buy some bolonga and loaf of bread and some drinks. For lunches. I could make 10 sandwiches for less then $7.00 with drinks for everyone.
I DON'T SEE WHERE THESE TWO CHILDREN CAN COST YOU SO MUCH MORE, THAT THEY CANNOT BE ENCLUDED.?
Unless YOUR taking the kids on a side trip to disney or a theme park.?? Now That would BE an expense.
Even if you stay at a Hotel, you'd only pay for one extra person, about 4.00 a night..most children stay FREE with parents.
FAIR IS FAIR, I couldn't imagine having step children and US, ( MINE AND ME) going on a NICE Florida Vacation and only Taking Half the Kids. or MY kids & Leaving his or taking his and leaving mine behind.
How do you decide who doesn't go? They don't go because their NOT BIRTHED from your vagina?
What if the BM is single or poor and Those kids never get to go anywhere in their lives.?
But meanwhile BIRTHDADDY YOUR DH, and his NEW family, Go everywhere,every year?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH THAT WILL HURT THE CHILDREN LEFT BEHIND? AND WHY THERE ARE JEALOUSIES,ANIMOSITY,AND HATE ISSUES, BETWEEN FAMILIES? And it's something they will always RESENT and never forget. NICE WAY TO PUT A WEDGE BETWEEN STEP SIBLINGS TOO.
IF you take the Skids with you for a week or two, deduct the CS and use that to pay for the extra children. Talk to the Bmom, (give notice) tell her in Aug, you'd like to take the kids all to FLA, or NY, where ever. we will have the children for 2 weeks, You will only get HALF the CS that Month, because they'll be with me & That CS will pay their share of the trip, FOOD ETC, I really want them to go, but I can't afford both. can we work something out?
Each child needs to KNOW "THEY" ARE IMPORTANT, to each Adult who is parenting them whether it's a bm or stepm, birthdad or stepdad, or whether its in their house or yours.
AND IT SHOULDN'T BE LOOKED AT THAT WAY, THESE CHILDREN SHOULD KNOW "BOTH" HOUSES ARE "THEIR HOMES", AS ALL 4 PARENTS LOVE THEM.
MY FH HAS 4 KIDS-2 BY EACH WIFE. WHEN HE MARRIED 2ND WIFE AND THEY BOUGHT A HOUSE. HE MADE SURE EACH CHILD HAD THEIR OWN ROOM,EVEN THOUGH THE BOYS WERE ONLY WITH HIM WEEKENDS. THEY HAD TWO HOMES. HE WOULD NEVER GO ON TRIPS ONLY TAKING 2 CHILDREN. THEY EITHER ALL WENT OR NO ONE WENT, UNTIL THEY COULD AFFORD TO TAKE ALL 4 CHILDREN.
I JUST FIND IT VERY INSENSITIVE TO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR PARTNERS CHILDREN.
REMEMBER, THOSE KIDS WERE IN HIS LIFE BEFORE YOU WERE.
IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS GIFTS, YOU SPEND 25.00 ON HIS KIDS, BUT 150 ON YOURS?
I THINK THE SAME AMOUNT SHOULD BE SPENT ON ALL THE CHILDREN YOU PARENT, UNLESS THEIR INFANTS.
I HAVE STEP CHILDREN WHO I WILL TREAT EACTLY AS MY OWN, AND HIS GRANDCHILDREN WILL GET EXACTLY WHAT MINE GET.
MY SISTER, IS THE SAME WAY. SHE SAID LAST NIGHT, HER HUSBAND ALLAN: "HE BUYS FOR OUR SON, AND HIS GRAND DAUGHTER" WHAT ABOUT THE THREE DAUGHTERS( MY NIECES) HE RAISED ALL THEIR LIVES, AND THEIR CHILDREN? I THINK AS A MARRIED COUPLE, "ALL" THE CHILDREN SHOULD BE TREATED THE SAME" WHETHER THEIR STEP CHILDREN OR NOT. I HATE THE TERM "STEP"
IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO DO FOR ALL. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO DO FOR ONE. AND UNTIL YOU CAN DO FOR ALL THE CHILDREN, DO NOTHING EXCEPT "SAVE" SO YOU CNA DO THINGS AS A FAMILY UNIT.
MY OLDEST WAS RAISED BY MY 2ND HUSBAND, WE NEVER EVER USED THAT TERM IN MY HOME. AND NO ONE( FRIENDS) KNEW HE WASN'T HER NATURAL FATHER, UNTIL HIS DEATH.
HIS FAMILY NEVER MISTREATED OR LEFT MY OLDEST DAUGHTER OUT. THEY WERE BROUGHT UP AS "SISTERS" "OUR CHILDREN" "OUR FAMILY" ALL RECEIVED THE SAME COLLEGE EDUCATION, GIFTS, WEDDINGS, CHRISTMAS'S TRIPS ETC. AND STILL DO.
I'm sorry and I know this
I'm sorry and I know this will not be popular, but if I didn't see my daugther or my grandchild but once a year, I would not want other children to entertain.
These folks can take a family vacation with all of the kids some other time which is what she says they do. Why should the skids get more vacations then her biokid for that matter if we're talking fairness. I'm sure THEIR BM takes them on vacations too.