How to get over it.....
I find myself waking up at night and thinking about how much money my husband has to send to his ex wife. It amounts to 50% of his net income. The ex wife doesn't work, so we pay 80% to 100% of any extras. She also moved far away and we pay about $3000/year to fly his kids out.
We have 3 year old twins, and I have had to work since they were born, even though my husband makes pretty good money, after all we pay out, I have to work. It does anger me because her kids are teens, and she doesn't work. Canada gives lots of other "free" money to single moms, they don't need to work full time here if the ex hubby is paying CS. Anyway, it is really unfair, but I WANT TO JUST GET OVER IT!
I have a good job, my kids are great, my husband is great and I am very happy in every other way, but this just eats away at me. I'd like to be there more for my kids, and feel that the ex wife is allowed to make choices that directly affect how much TIME i can spend with our kids. Just doesn't seem right.
I also have zero respect for the fact that she moved away with the kids (hubby didn't know he had any rights and she threatened him that she'd make his life miserable if he tried to stop her). He is an excellent father and those kids should be closer to their dad! We take them over summer break (while still paying her for those 6 weeks) and over spring break, but it's not enough. Doesn't she realize how selfish she is? It's not like she moved for any good reason, she has no family or even a JOB there, she just wanted to live there for her oun selfish reasons.
She is recently making us pay for the second kids braces, before the 1st kids braces are even paid off, and we are paying 80% of the total! It will add another $280/month for 20 months!!! How much more do I have to give up in terms of time with my kids, and our hard earned money, so she can sit around meditating, palm readins, going to physics and living off our labour?!
HOW DO I GET OVER THIS AND JUST FOCUS ON THE GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE?
(And just for clarification, she left him and they were seperated before I even met him. After I met him, she stalled the divorce for 5 YEARS!)
What are some goals of yours
What are some goals of yours (besides finding ways to more effectively cope with this)?
Is one of your goals to lose weight? Whenever you feel anger towards the situation (or BM) go for a run or exercise.
Is one of your goals to read more? Find a book you've been wanting to read for awhile and read that so you can put your mind on that instead of the BM.
Is one of your goals becoming a good cook? Learn some new recipes, and put all that energy you invest in this situation into whipping up a good meal for your DH and kids.
Do you want to try something new? Maybe you could buy a yoga dvd and equipment and learn yoga, or find an exercise dvd that you and the kids can do together. Then you can focus on bonding with your kids, and relieve your stress due to the situation.
Are you religious? I find that prayer is so helpful & relaxing. I go to church. That helps me tremendously. Maybe it could help you too.
I wish you the best in this journey and all I can say is focus on being the best wife, mom and stepmom you can possibly be.
hi livlaughlov, believe me I
hi livlaughlov,
believe me I can totally relate!!!!!! In fact, when I saw your post I was just about to do a similar one! A pain shared is a pain halved, I hope.
let me ask you something...why isn't the insurance covering up the braces? And what does the divorce agreement say about her finding a job? Does he pay alimony also? how close is he with the kids and how old are they at divorce?
my DH cut back the shared extras when the kids became teens and it showed through their behavior that they are just egoistic spoiled and ungrateful.
I can't really deliver an answer to "HOW TO GET OVER WITH IT". It boils down to the equation: the love btw you&him > all the troubles in life. As long as the moments you share with him are worth every second of your life then all the other troubles should appear smaller against that.
and btw-
go watch the movie "up in the air"...it may provide some comfort
Thanks for your replies, I
Thanks for your replies, I am feeling better already! It is good advice to just DO something else when I start thinking about things. Problem is, it usually happens in the middle of the night!
My husband pays for medical/dental insurance, but it only covers $1500 max. The braces are $6800. She doesn't contribute to the insurance either,although technically she should be paying her share, but try getting even $1 out of her....not worth it.
The divorce agreement says NOTHING about her getting a job! She had a free lawyer for over 5 years and just dragged out the divorce, with my husband and me paying a $250/hour lawyer. When we finally had a good draft, her lawyer sent the ORIGINAL document that he wrote up 5 years earlier with NONE of the changes included. We just couldn't afford our lawyer anymore, or the emotional trials of knowing she didn't HAVE to agree to anything, she was in no hurry, has no boyfriend, and had a FREE lawyer. So in the end we signed the crappiest document in all of history. She gets everything, us nothing. I contacted the free lawyer society in Canada to complain, but haven't even got a response back. It is crazy.
He only pays CS and "extras". It is written in his crappy agreement that he pays 94% of all extras, so she is going to town. To stop her we need to go to court, but can't afford that. The system is really crazy.
I think the distance is affecting his relationship with his kids. They called last night and he told me "don't answer, I'll call them later" but he never did. He feels bad for our twins and although he loves ALL his kids to death, the system beig what it is, he knows that what the "first" kids get (in terms of $$$) is going to affect our kids for years to come as we cannot save for anything. So I think it's making him feel resentful.
I exercise alot (play on a women's squash team), work, have friends,but feel like this is dragging me down. I try hard, and don't think about it for a while, but then days like today, I get a letter in the mail saying how much money we have to send for braces before we've even paid off the 1st braces! Maybe I just need to vent more than anything. I don't bring this up with my hubby, it makes him feel guilty. Thanks for listening.
In my province they have a
In my province they have a pilot program that an individual can get the papers required to file child support variance on their own. I would also check with the original document and see what it says are considered section 7 expenses. Also check if he is paying for them in his CS or if he is to pay extra. My DH was ordered a monthly section 7 expence that was calculated at 70% of activities. For the longest time he was not only giving the ex 70% of extras, but also the extra that was pre calculated into the CS. Lets just say I put a stop to that. The child support is pretty straight forward in Canada it is based on what your DH makes, pre-determined charts. Also if she moved away from the province that the original order was filed in, she would have to come back at her expense if you guys were to refile with the court (think of it as a pain for her.)
What is needed to ask for a
What is needed to ask for a variance? I though our household income (his and mine) had to be lower than hers. With both of us working, our household has a higher income, although we can barely just make it I don't think the courts will accept a variance unless our income is less. with her single and not working, her household income is (and should be) lower, but not by much! Cdngirl can you let me know if I am wrong about this.
His order says he is to pay for all "curricular" and "extra-curricular" activites as per section 7. It is not defined in his order, but so far we pay for braces, insurance, flights, music lessons, and day-care (before).
I know CS is straight forward, but his the amount he pays (per the table) for 2 kids is $964/month! That is after tax money and he gets so much stuff taken off his paychecks that they are only $1600 each. When the braces and flights are added, it is one of his checks per month!
We follow the guidelines, and it leaves us with ZERO extra money after paying our bills and living very frugally. I think the table amounts are far too high, esp. when "extras" get added on.
BTW, I've decided to get a Positive Thinking book, and keep it by my bedside. Then when I wake up all stressed out I can read it and hopefully get back to sleep.
First off, your income is
First off, your income is not considered. It is his income alone. As for the extra expenses I would see how the document is worded exactly. I mean does it say that he has no say in the extra expenses, my husbands was pre determined and if anything like medical or dentist, then it was both parties having to agree. Also variance can be applied for if certain things have changed in ones life. Check your provincial web site. The packages are usually pretty straight forward and easy to understand. I agree that CS calculations in Canada are a joke for the payee as it leaves little to no money for anything else. Were as your hands are tied with CS amount (based on his salary not yours and his), I would definately see about section 7 expenses as to whether or not you guys can take more control as in what gets done when.
I guess I was thinking that
I guess I was thinking that we`d have to claim undue hardsip, and in that case the total income in the household is included (which does include his and mine, however if she lived with someone else they would look at both their incomes too). But I guess a "variance" is different than claiming "undue hardship". thanks, I'll look into it.
As for the wording in the agreement, that was one of the things we negotiated for (that they had to come to an agreement about sec. 7's) but as mentioned in my above post, after trying to get small things like this included for 5 YEARS, her legal aid lawyer wrote up the document without any of this. We had to just sign off on the original as we couldn`t afford to keep going back and with her free lawyer she was relentless in not agreeing to even the smallest common scense things. so no, his order simply states `he will pay 94% of all curricular and extr-curricular costs. The statement about agreeing to expenses first was cut out of the final draft. ARRRGGGG!
This conversation has gone
This conversation has gone off more in the direction of financial/CS issues, but I did want to share this link with you:
http://csmchat.weebly.com/dealing-bm-anger.html
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Thanks belleboudeuse, great
Thanks belleboudeuse, great site.
Your income is not included
Your income is not included , she's right, its only his. You can claim undue hardship because if she is capable of working and chooses not to work then it does fall on a negative light for her.
My dh pay CS for two kids as well. He pay for extracurricular activities but the wording clearly states he can refuse the extras if he doesn't agree...when a lawyer read this , he was shocked and i told my dh..i read him and i realized why he kept repeating the line...so we have a bit of leeway... as for braces, that is special and she also doesn have insurance now cause she lost it but no where does it say that my dh has to take over...its gonna be a court battle if she does.
You should have not paid a penny for those braces..she has to prove that the kids honeslty need it, cause i get the feeling its to gauge you guys. If you haven't paid for the second, you can send a letter , you can't afford it and let her take you to court.
I understand your feelings completely about the resentment. my dh ex works..but heck she gets alot of money per month..not to mention all the extra cash canada gives her...it totals to well over 1200 bucks per month and then she complains to her kids she has no money....lol..doesn't cost that much to feed them, she buys no clothes, they're all handmedowns...oh...she's a pot head..so i guess i realize after she pays her mortgage she needs to get high.
If i fret over it like you do, it drives me also insane..but i've learned to stop it..to keep busy doing other things.
Hate to tell you, if your husbnad is getting resentful as mine, he will begin to stop seeing them. 3000$ is alot....and there will come a time like my dh did, he didn't have the money to go get them and i wouldnt give a penny cause our children were not going without because as far as i am concerned they get alot from him every month and i'll be damned if i contribute in any way shape or form.
My dh barely has money left to buy anything for our family, he hasn't bought clothes for himself in over 9 years now, i buy them! and he had to scrounge and save for my engagement ring...i bought our wedding bands.
So believe me , i understnad the frustration, the resentment when it comes to the cash i see this woman get and plus the tax breaks you name it! my dh, gets nothing!
So dont be surprised if your dh skips a few times seeing them ...and dont interfere..it only gets them angrier.
It is really sad that this
It is really sad that this stuff is making our husbands resentful of their own children (in a way), whom they love! It is just such a weird position for a father to be in, loves his kids, but sends way too much money to an ex who is living off his money, and not even providing for their kids herself! And distance does make relationships fade, no matter what anybody says, it just naturally happens.
I think she is asking for way too much to expect us to pay for 2 sets of braces at the same time. No intact family would do that, so why should we, just cause she thinks she can get away with it now while she has no income.
We can't fly them out this spring, there is no way we can afford it, as we haven't even paid off the last few years of flights, they are on a credit card! So sadly, it is already happening. Honestly, if it wasn't for me, he would never have been able to afford to see his kids EVER, as he literally had no money left over after CS when I first met him. Because of my income, his life is alot better and he gets to see his kids.
We haven't started paying for the second set of braces yet. A letter is a good idea, we'll just say we'll start the second set after the first set is paid off. Better than a phone call, he comes off the phone giving her everything she asks for, due to guilt over not being with his kids (even though not his fault!).
Boy, our situations sound very similar!
By the way below is an excerpt from the Canadian Child Support Guidelines, it states that both our incomes will be taken into consideration, but ONLY for a claim of "undue hardship". Actually our lawyer confirmed this too. I think a "variance motion" is different which I am going to look into.
What is undue hardship?
The payor can claim that paying the child support under the child support guidelines will cause him or her undue hardship. The payor must prove that such payments would be "undue" or exceptional, excessive, or disproportionate.
When making such a claim, the payor must report all income coming into his or her household, including any income or contribution from a new spouse or partner. This includes any contribution to household expenses, rental income, dividend income, investment income, and business income. If the payor makes this claim, the recipient must also provide this information.
Eventually you just get over
Eventually you just get over it. My DH also pays up the wazzoo to his BM. For many many years it ate away at me. So much so that it was affecting the way I treated the skids. Eventually I just learned to do w/o the money. I pretend he doesn't even earn it. However i am very verbal about him spending ONE EXTRA cent on them. Anything we buy stays here. If she calls saying they need something he tells her take it from the CS. Every now and then we will have a shouting match if he goes and pays for something behind my back, but it's not as often as it used to be. Time heals...
I hope I enventually get
I hope I enventually get over it. I have no problem with my husband supporting his first kids, I respect him for it and think every father should support their kids, it's just that the amount this country says he needs to pay is way over the top. If 1/2 his income is used to support his first 2 kids, does that mean his 2nd half goes for our 2 kids? If that is the case, he wouldn't have one red cent left to live on himself. ARRGGHH!
Wow, thanks for the great
Wow, thanks for the great advice, nobody (not even our $250.hour lawyer) has explained this process to us in plain enligh. Thanks!