F'n shared holiday!!!
BF has 50/50 custody of daughter with ex, last year we had his daughter the night before Christmas eve and the Christmas eve morning we "pretended" that Santa brought her gifts early. Then Christmas eve night she went to her BM's to have Christmas with her.
So one would think that logic says, do the same this year but in opposite order so it is fiar... well BM must be totally VOID of logic! This biatch thinks that just because SHE says so, we are going to have BF daughter Christmas morning and then give her to BM that afternoon!
Are you joking me!!! Then BM that now lives with new inlaws because of money issues, is going to take BF to court for not adhering to standard holiday visitations! FIRST of ALL... it is BF week to have daughter Christmas week, so in my eyes he doesnt have to share that holiday with BM!
Has anyone else gone through this crap!!!??? You know the damn holidays are supposed to be easy and carefree, loving and peaceful... WELL not with a EX in the picture!!!
HELP....
I feel your pain StayorGo.
I feel your pain StayorGo. We deal with it from SD6's mom during EVERY holiday unless it falls on her day. We would dare ask for a bit of time or risk an reinactment of the Exorcist. Its so freakin' frustrating and so unfair! When DH puts his foot down she's get back at him in other ways like SD6 is sick and shouldn't be shuffled over to his place. Or she has reservations to an event that SD6 is hyped up to go to. She tries everything in the book! I expect it won't be much different this holiday season. Ugh...breath and detach....breath and detach...
What happens if your BF tells Biomom "No we have plans, its his turn this year and will drop daughter off tomorrow. She can have Christmas Eve. What would happen?
I have a real fear that she
I have a real fear that she wouldnt give her back! And not that I think his X is crazy, but do I think she is a bitch! He sent her an email with a proposed Christmas schedule to which she would have daughter from 12/14 to 12/24 at 7pm, and then daughter would come back to us at 7pm on 12/24 until 1/3 then go back to mom to continue weekly rotating time. She said, NO!
So now he is emailing to say, I have tried to be fair about this and tried to solve it like adults, so now she can just take him to court and explain why it just wasnt her cup of tea.
And he is also going to mention to the judge than she moved out of the county (without notice to him or the court and see how the judge likes that!
That is a fair concern.
That is a fair concern. Wingnut did that to us for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago. She wanted her to visit her family even though it was our holiday. She didn't show up, we called the cops, she called CYS to give her a "reason" for not handing her over. Needless to say, she was held in contempt and CYS was pissed about the false allegations. Didn't help us though since we still missed our holiday. You're really better off letting her take you to court so you can get a written holiday schedule. I would go with a reasonable suggestion of what you'd like (alternating years so it is fair for everyone). Ours is Mom has every other holiday and then the next year she has the opposite holidays. Christmas is split with one parent getting X-mas eve until 2pm on X-mas Day and the other parent getting X-mas day at 2pm until the 26th at 4pm. Wingnut tried the same crap with wanting X-mas Eve to X-mas Day every year because her family celebrates on X-mas Eve. The judge said no that it was only fair for the child to have X-mas morning with one parent one year and the other parent the following year (with ample time to enjoy X-mas treats before returning to the other parent). Mom gets mother's day and her birthday every year and Dad gets father's day and his birthday every year.
The more prepared you are with reasonable suggestions, the better you'll fare. Remember to include what she had last year for X-mas and point out that you were more than willing to allow her to have time with skid, but you don't feel she should get to dictate the terms each year to suit her. Take any emails showing what you've offered and her responses if you can. Good luck. I doubt you'll get a hearing before the holidays this year. When does your visitation week start before X-mas? Do you have it in writing? Can you call the police if she doesn't bring her back?
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Thank you for your
Thank you for your suggestions.
We have BF daughter this week and then she will go back to Mom on 12/14 and then come back to us 12/21 - week on/week off. So per the visitation schedule of week on/week off we will have BF daughter the week of Christmas. Weekly rotating schedule is in court papers but holidays are not specified.
So now when the court date comes we can get it all in writing and there will be no more bullshit come the holidays and the crazy wench thinking she makes the rules.
She'll never get a court
She'll never get a court hearing before Christmas. Give BM a choice, you can have her December 23 through Christmas Eve at noon OR we'll keep her the entire week per the visitation schedule. Standard holiday visitation (at least in our state) is one parent gets the holiday in even years and the other gets it in odd years. We had it written in our order to avoid arguments because BM thinks she should get Christmas Eve to Christmas AM every year. If you don't have anything in writing regarding holidays and it is your week AND you had an agreement last year that you're willing to reverse this year, she really has no argument for the court. I would let her know that. She sounds like a bully. Usually bullies back off if they realize you're on to them. Let her know that if she wants to go to court, she can, but that you have a good argument and that while you're there you'll get an order for ALL future holidays and she'll have to deal with that for x number of years without negotiation.
Our BM tried that the second Christmas. She had SD Christmas Eve through Christmas Day at 1PM (because anything earlier than that would be too hard for SD, boo hoo). The next year she decided we had to return her at 10AM for her to have Christmas Day. Our new order is 4PM Christmas Eve through 2PM Christmas Day in odd years (father) and 2PM Christmas Day through 6PM on December 26th. The only thing that sucks is we can't ever travel (even to see family) during the holiday.
Or how about what FH
Or how about what FH did....(will make more sense if youve read my prev) rec'd text from BM..."we need to talk about the holidays with SD13". FH texts back "she's all yours for the holiday". FH phone rings...(insert the lyrics 'Crazy Bitch') and rings and rings....goes to voicemail....FH hits the delete message button. FH receives text "we need to sit down and talk about SD13 and her behavior"....FH hits delete text button. Now we have had twolengthy conversations about SD13 with the CB...oh I mean BM. SD13 is obviously 13 has a bright shiny new cell phone which she uses to text in class when shes in class. SD13 has not made any effort to text or call FH since before Halloween. Her new glasses FH took and had her tested for and ordered are still sitting there one month later as BM wont go pick them up. Now, BM knows that the only requirement for SD is that she on her own calls FH and attempts to make ammends for her horrible behavior before Halloween, she refuses to do that calling FH a "F*****", SO...BM....shes all yours for the holiday. Oh yeah! FH did text back with that first text that he would be dropping her gifts off Xmas eve, assuming SD hasnt made any attempt to aplologize.
I'm going to be honest here.
I'm going to be honest here. In my new observations as a first time sm, and now, mom-to-be (again), I think the whole 50/50 split custody thing sucks big time.
I watched ss5 go through fits of extreme crying, fits of rage,(of course I was the one home watching him go through this) it was always, "I want Mommy!!!" "I don't like you." Nice things like that, you know?
Anyways,dh and bm have agreed (for now, God help us), to have ss5 on weekends, Fri. night until Monday mornings, by a signed agreement.
So far, so good, ss5 still says some mean, nasty crap to his dad, (I bite my tounge), but if it keeps him from destroying this house for now so that he can, "get his way", then so be it...
Always cover your ass in any written or oral agreement.
She will NEVER get a court date by Christmas so proceed with your normal agreement. That's my advice.
Good Luck~
MWC (again)
I agree with you,
I agree with you, Stepmadness.Our judges must be pretty retarded here too.It is waaaay to much trauma on a young child to go, a week here, a week there.
I watched ss4 almost 5, live out of a suitcase!
Yes, I spoke up and I think when he gerts older, he will see some sm's are not sooooooo evil! LOL
This situation was an uber whopper though. BM has the house that ss5 was BORN in. That's ALL he knows! So, ss5 always felt like dh was TAKING him away from home. It was only natural for such a young child to feel that way.
Sometime parents have to put aside their pride for the kids sake.
I WANT ss5 to be a huge part of this family, it will happen as he grows a bit older, sees his new bro/sis, and we move to a new location away from the condo.
I hate being tied down to a 50 mile limit on how "far" we can move away from primary residence that bm has stolen from dh and now can't pay for...
Karma is a bitch.
How are you feeling the last few days??? I'm peeing every 10-15 mins. here and my boobs are killing me...LOL
the 50/50 custody is an
the 50/50 custody is an injustice to the children involved.... most children especially daughers will begin manipulating becuz this 50/50 custody arangement is a joke to stability and continuity
Sad to say but the child is
Sad to say but the child is lucky to be wanted on the holidays. My Skids are pawned off every holiday, this past T-giving BM did everything possible to make sure she could go to her BF's families house for the holiday, including taking time off work (that she cant do or complains about how she loses money) for her kids, and had g-parents and us have them.... and she didnt seem to care that she was missing the holiday of THANKS with her children. We all had a good time anyway and the kids are too used to it to be bothered by it.
On my end, with my child, yes sharing him on the holidays can be difficult for me too because I want him with me, but at the same time I want him to be happy and see his whole family so me and his dad always work things out so that our son can be with everyone on the holidays! I wish things were that easy for everyone!
Okay..I'm going to step in
Okay..I'm going to step in and defend the 50/50 thing. My kids love it and feel at home in both places. Suitcases aren't needed because each home is set up with everything. Co-parenting isn't easy but we do it FOR our kids. Our friends, family, teachers, psychologists say that they are some the most well adjusted kids of divorce they've seen. They have both parents (step-parents alike) equally involved with them which is a VERY good thing. Toot-Toot!
Now mind you, XH and I get along well enough--same with his wife and my DH. So I agree that the adults involved MUST be able to put aside their differences to make it work. I don't condone 50/50 for acrimonious situations. I also don't condone the every other week deal until the kids are older and can handle long periods without the other parent. We currently have the 5/5/2/2 schedule and live in adjacent neighborhoods. Both XH and I live in the same school district our kids go to. They have the friends in both neighborhoods they go to school with. If they leave something at the other parents house they can easily walk over and get it.
The courts here stress this is the best way to make split custody work. Before parents submit the parenting schudules, we are given mandatory classes on learning the details of co-parenting. Not everyone is cut out for it but if you can do it...it benefits the kids greatly.
The way things were before
The way things were before 50/50 was a total NIGHTMARE! The switching back and forth every couple days was beyond hard on BF's daughter. She was tired all the time, moody and really being bad in school and dont even get me started on all the clothes we never saw again. When we finally went to 50/50, she sleeps really good at night, eats better (not like she should, but I blame that on BM being a crappy cook!) and is better at school. The only thing BF daughter brings with her is the clothes are her back from school and her lunch box and backpack are shared in both homes, so she doesnt have to carry different ones. When she goes back to BM on Monday (after school) she is in the clothes she wore from school when she came to us the week before, backpack and lunchbox.
50/50 works for us UNTIL BM wants something her way, then its like OMG already really! If BM didnt think she was so entitled we wouldnt have any issues. For some reason even though we are 50/50, she still thinks she is primary parent and legally she isnt!
Just like with the holiday issue now, she is using guidelines (as her tool for arguing the point)set up for primary secondary custody which they do not have. Can you say DUH!
So now the judge can divide all the holidays up equally and BM will just have to deal with whatever happens. There is no judge that will agree to spliting a holiday the way BM wants, that does nothing but make it impossible to have any type of normal holiDAY with our family without BM having to be seen that day.
That's awesome for you guys!
That's awesome for you guys! I wish every situation could be that way. Sadly, it's not. Even if one BP is totally workable to it, that's not enough. It is really frustrating. Which is why unless the two BP are quite mature and able to put aside differences and do the best thing for their kids...it really kind of rails on the kids involved. I wish judges would take that into consideration. Maybe make a mental note of who seems more workable to solutions and compromising and best interests, and give them full custody. In our situation BM wanted full custody and didn't want to compromise a lick. Kept talking about child support. Kept telling the kids and him they'd never see each other again. She made all kinds of threats, documented threats, SO got sort of frustrated because even as volatile as this obviously was, the judge still ordered 50/50 because we live in a mommy infallible state, or at least county. We also live in the next town over about 15 minutes away and it seems to confuse and frustrate the kids even more because they can never be settled in a place.
I totally agree. Wingnut
I totally agree. Wingnut was totally unreasonable. She not only wanted full custody, she wanted any visitation to be supervised for the next 16 years (two hours from our home), contempt, false allegations, we have documentation of alienation (from a child psychiatrist and a forensic psychologist) and the judge pretty much flat out told us that we would never do any better than 50/50. Now the kid is 5 and we have 50/50 but she's been taught that whenever she is in trouble she just has to say what makes mommy happy (which in our case is that we're mean to her and abuse her). It will be a lifelong problem because anytime the kid doesn't like what someone says to her, she makes up elaborate lies about them. And of course, throughout the whole thing DH and I are told that mom has the problem, but we need to take the high road and acquiesce to her ridiculous demands in an effort to keep things "pleasant" for the child. So I'm supposed to let her trample my boundaries so I can do what's best for her kid, while she can set her kid up for disaster. Fair, huh?
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Soverysad and Notthemama,
Soverysad and Notthemama, while my side is peaceful I can relate to a BM like yours. We get that same kind of crap from my DH's ex that you speak of. This is the main reason why DH won't go for equal custody. She'll just mess up their kid more. As of a month ago, SD6 has "learned" how to punish dad if she not happy with him--which by not wanting to see him. He's turning into a guilt parent real quick. I've stressed counseling for all involved but he'd rather except things or live in denial...not sure which one. It's too new to figure out yet.
Also, I feel at times DH gets frustrated because he sees me, my kids BioDad,and their SM get along so well. Since DH isn't the fighting type, his ex would never let that happen and if the courts mandated equal custody we would have to deal with her more and SD would suffer more from her mom's antics.
Just another perspective, we
Just another perspective, we actually do the shared holidays thing and it is not bad at all ...maybe because we are used to it. I do think you should have the holidays spelled out in the stipulation though so there is no fighting or disagreeing every holiday. We rotate every year but my SD sees both parents on Christmas. It really does save alot of aggravation, one parent not getting to see their child, having to make up a story about Santa having to come a day early, etc.
It is always morning one house where she wakes up, afternoon at the other...it really works great. This year she will go to BM's on Christmas Eve and return home in the early afternoon on Christmas day. She has siblings at both houses so it is important that she sees everyone on Christmas and takes turns waking up at each house with her siblings I believe, even though she lives with us. She will open her presents when she gets home and we have her the rest of the day, she may go back to BM's during the middle of the week on break which she usually does. For other holidays like Thanksgiving we alternate one gets her one year and one the other since everyone travels to have dinner and it is impossible to do both parents but it is all spelled out and agreed in the stipulation and works for us.
Shadyfeline - I respect how
Shadyfeline - I respect how you and DH approach holidays with SD and BM, and how I wish things could be that way in our house. At this point, I cant think about the holidays anymore being something that is pleasant and something I will ever look forward to when BM is involved.
I basically told BF that if he and BM dont work something out that is equal that doesnt make it so WE as a family can ever go anywhere during the holidays when the kids get older... I will spend holidays without him and his daughter.
I have made up my mind; just because BF and BM decided to have a child even though they knew they were heading for divorce anyway, I will not allow myself or my children to suffer from their choices.
I love BF but I do not love him enough to bend to BM whimes any longer. I have had enough sad times and let down from BF and BM's "agreements" to last me a life time. So they can just do what is best for their child and if I am here, then so be it... but if I want to leave for the holidays I will.
That is exactly what my mom
That is exactly what my mom did when we were growing up. She went on Xmas vacations without DH and his SS. She didn't let them, or their mom, ruin our holidays. Not to mention the bliss it was not to deal with all their antics. My step brothers didn't treat my mother very well.
You are taking control of your life StayorGo. I think we woman have a mental picture of what we want the holidays (or any family plans) to be like and we try so hard to create it we lose sight of other options that can make us happy; different but happy none of the less.
Happy holidays dear.
my fh doesn't have any kind
my fh doesn't have any kind of custody agreement with bm. We just have them every weekend since he works 3-11 Sunday - Thursday and they are in school during the day. BM used to come "celebrate" Xmas with us and watch the girls open their gifts and then I thought about it...WTF? She would sit there and say things like, "Look what daddy and mommy got you...!" Nothing was from them...it was from he and I and uhh...they were divorced anyway? AND Why would she think she can just come on over and hang out with my soon to be new family? She can have Xmas with hers...soooo...we both came to the conclusion that we would get them Xmas morning after they open their presents at their house...they come...open presents...and then we take them home. They have sooo many places to go since the family is so split up that it's better that way - and besides - we will have them the Saturday after anyway and I think Xmas is on Friday this year?
Don't worry - one of these years BM will get so sick of trying to "ruin" everyone else's holiday that things will get easy...she has to run out of fuel at some point!
Keep your hopes up!
I talked to BF at lunch
I talked to BF at lunch today, says he got an email from BM and NOW she is OK with her having daughter 12/23 after school until 12/24 at 7:00pm and then BF has her from 12/24 at 7:00pm until she goes back to BM on 12/28.
Just cant figure this female out... causes us issues and then just does what she is supposed to anyway.
She's a bully. She pushes
She's a bully. She pushes until you give in OR until you push back hard enough to make her understand you're not giving in.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
This is my first Christmas
This is my first Christmas with my fiance and his daughter and we're stressed about it. The agreement they have now is that BM gets sd every monday and Tuesday, we get her Wednesday and Thursday, and we alternate weekends. Drop offs take place at daycare so we never have to see each other. Works great. Except Christmas falls on our days, and we are terrified that she will realize this and not drop her off at daycare on the 23rd and go into hiding at her family's or her boyfriend's. Our lawyer says that we need to work out a holiday schedule, that just because Christmas falls on our days doesn't mean BM can't see her. We do our Christmas on Christmas Day, so i told my guy to tell her she can take sd for Christmas Eve and we'll pick her up Christmas morning, but he's scared she'll disapear and not answer he phone and we won't get her at all. Lawyer says it will look bad on our part if we don't cooperate on a holiday schedule, but bm hasn't mentioned anything about it, and likely won't till christmas eve when she calls freaking out that she wants to see her. Are we expected to drop all our plans because she leaves everything to the last minute?!!
I think you should take
I think you should take charge instead of letting her determine the schedule. your attorney is right. It will look bad if you don't show compromise. My suggestion is to offer her Christmas Eve. In writing. Mention how you think it is important that SD spend time with both families for the holiday and that you'd be happy to give her Christmas Day next year and take Christmas Eve. You are at risk that she won't show on Christmas Day, but at least you'd have a case for contempt and you'll look like the good guys. On the other hand, if she throws a fit because you didn't let her see the kid on Christmas and takes it to a judge, you'll look bad.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
If BM is a total spaz, you
If BM is a total spaz, you really need to get holiday vacations in writing (by the judge) so she has no choice in the matter. Rotating every year eve and day is better since that way you will have SD for at least one of the mornings every year. Dont let BM decide or she will make it so you and DF will never have SD on Christmas morning. If I were you, I would ask DF to write BM now and ask what her thoughts are on how to keep it fair for both familys involved. Then if she doesnt answer or replies in a psycho way you will have it in writing. Make sure to recommend to DF that he keeps his tone and words very neutral and keep it simply. No need to go into detail about your plans for the child or any of that. If there was a shared holiday arrangment last year, I would mention that as well. That way if BM is unreasonable you will have proof in writing about last years holiday.
Good Luck!
ha, my DH cancelled xmas
ha, my DH cancelled xmas completely. as a sign to show that he doesn't accept entitlement...when stepkids only show up for presents.