I resent the fact that *I* am the one raising my SD when she has 2 parents...
I do not love my SD the same way I love my BD. There is this gravitating pull that I have towards my own daughter, who I birthed and who has been by my side pretty much every day since the day she was born.
My SO loves my daughter so much, as if she were his own, and that makes me feel incredibly guilty. The difference here is that my daughter's father is very hands off and has never played a very significant role in her life. My SO is the only man she has ever known as a "dad". She's with us full time. Plus, SO works long hours, I am the one at home with the kiddos all day long. He hardly ever has my daughter with him alone. She never pulls the "I miss my daddy" card, or "I would rather be at my dad's" or "you're not my daddy"... she calls him "daddy"! SD has 2 parents. They have 50/50 shared custody. I get the "I miss my mommy", "my mommy's house is better", "I wish I could be at my mommy's every day"... every single day! The newest comment I get from her is "my mommy loved my daddy first, not you"... yes, from a 3 year old (and we all know where she got that from, don't we).
I did not sign up for this. There have been months at a time that BM has basically left SD here full time. This past year she has been with ME more than anyone. I have potty trained her, taught her how to use her utensils, disciplined her, taught her manners, dealt with temper tantrums, etc etc etc. And all the while, SD has 2 parents. She has a mom and a dad. I don't get any thank you's or kuddos for raising this child. I am a babysitter, plain and simple.
She's only three?
She's only three? Obviously, her mommy is putting lots of words in her mouth because some of those are not normal statements out of a three year old.
You are not required to raise their child unless that is an agreement you and your DH have made. Some suggestions for setting boundaries that might improve your level of resentment:
1) Refuse to watch SD on her mother's time. If her mother is supposed to be caring for her then she can either take her or hire a sitter or make other arrangements you are not her BM's babysitter.
2) If DH allows BM to leave SD with you when it is her time then you need to tell him to hire a sitter for her. It is one thing for you to help care for SD during the periods DH is supposed to have her but it's another thing entirely if they are changing the custody schedule however suits them and then just expecting you to pick up the slack.
3) Require DH discuss any alterations to the visitation schedule with you before agreeing to take SD for additional time beyond the 50/50 agreement.
Hope this helps!
I agree with this. I just
I agree with this. I just recently insisted that dh take Creature to Wingnut when he was working and Wingnut was not. I got tired of getting out of bed in the morning to feed her breakfast, listen to her talk about how great her mother is for 3 hours while dancing around in front of me trying to keep my eyes on her, feeding her lunch and getting her on the school bus while her mother slept in and had time to run errands, and cater to her own needs. I help dh out, but I will not help Wingnut out. Creature is HER child, not mine. My feelings for her are irrelevant, I should not be responsible for someone else's kid when they are perfectly able to take care of the kid themselves. Wingnut benefits from DH's paycheck, she can help him out while he works.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
One plus to my STBX (there I
One plus to my STBX (there I said it!) becoming my EX?
No more horrible disrespectful borderline SD baiting and raging at me.
I really can't wait to get out so I can feel that release of this cesspool of dysfunction.
My advice as one who's been through (and still is going through) having a child who's not mine and doesn't love me or want me to raise her being dumped on me by both her parents, all the while unhappy with the job I'm doing (BM- who now lives in NC) or STBX who is as black and white as his ex or daughter (as in wanting me to do it ALL or he will do it ALL without being married to me anymore)
Whew- sorry - my advice is to go to counseling and once the counselor helps you realize the future effects of the parents taking advantage of you, you will let your H know in no certain terms you are not the one who should be doing this.
I think men get so offended by this, but it's just unrealistic of them to expect you to raise their child, but yet at the same time they don't want you to tell them how that child should be raised (not saying that's YOUR H, but it happens - as in NO you don't get to discipline them, but you will spend more hours caring for them and doing for them than I will- etc.
I would not let this pattern continue as believe me it turns lethal to the relationship.
Hugs,
S