Where to start...I suppose I need a little reassurance that I am not the evil person i sometimes wonder that I might be...lol...
I met my partner about 2.5 years ago, we moved in together after 7 months and were engaged within a year and a half. His daughter (now 9) always lived with her mother in another county, and over the years they have had the usual 'baby momma dramas' of not having access despite having always paid maintenence, and between him and his parents always ensuring that she never ever had to pay for anyting for her child. My partner and this woman were never actually in a relationship...they had known each other for years but essentially my SD is the result of a one night stand.
The BM does not seem to be the type to live and breath for her child...she has never lived by herself, and always had help from members of her family, so never actually taken full responsibility to get off her butt and go work to look after her kid. She was fairly young when she had my SD but not a teenager, so definitely old enough to take responsibility.

When I met my partner, he was having trouble even seeing his daughter, but now that he has settled down I think BM sees an opening to palm off her daughter. Abruptly she gave us 6 weeks notice that she wanted SD to come and live with us for a few months because she was moving and needed to get herself together. Bear in mind that she has never even set eyes on me, much less got to know me or know anything abouyt me, but yet happily sends of h er daughter at such a delicate stage of her development without ever having made any effort to even speak on the phone. As I said we are in another country, so this is no mean feat to acheive. We both are forging our careers and are very much the young couple just starting out trying to build a future. I work really hard now because I would like to be in a position to stay home with my kids when I have them and devote a lot of time to them. So at 6 weeks notice this was massive upheaval in terms of finding a school, chaning our lives to fit around school schedule. The logistics alone were a difficulty.

However, this little girl who is 9 is incredibly emotionally needy and quite manipulative. She apparently was not getting everything she needs from her mother and has gone through quirte a lot of upheaval, probably seen and heard more than a little girl should see, and as a consequence can act either two young for her age, or incredibly bitchy and over grown (yesterday she 'innocently' started talking about the strings of women she ad met before me...lol...). She also alternates between desperatly needing me to play 'Mommy' and seeing me as a rival for her dad's affections.

This is the worst possible time for us as a couple to be going through this. I love my man but we are in the same financial position as any other young couple, plus trying to plan for our wedding, which is becoming increasingly tarnished I just want to cancel the whole thing.

I don't believe for a secind that this woman is going to take her child back. I don't hate this little girl, but I'm just not in a place that I can play Mommy, and I don't think my man understands how much his little girl needs that female to devote time to her. She is an insecure, attention seeking little girl, aho is very confused. I'm not a monster and I sympathise, but I really think it's too much asking me to be the one to pick up the pieces where her own mother can't be bothered. Older women, including his mother (who also lives abroad) can see this, and his Mom has been offering from the get go to look after SD as she is semi-retired and in a position to give her thetime she needs, but my husband to be is so caught up in the fantasy offinally having his little girl with him that he refuses to see this as an option, despite the fact that i actually might be in his daughter's best interests. The
irony is that if i wasn't around, he'd have no choice but tomove back home and his Mom would be doing all the work anyway. His parents are totally supportive and have tried to persuade him that having her with us is not such a good idea. I dread the day we have our own children, because the things she says sometimes show me that her insecurities will make her hugley jealous of them, and life extremely difficult for me. Formative years are 0-7 and some of the traits I see now really make me worry about the adult that she will become.

I was holding this in for a while, then finally told him how I feel, and he didn't talk to me for a week.

I now feel like I have to 'put up or shut up'. The fiancee has always underestimated the work that would be required of me-he basically thinks he can do all the work and leave me unaffected, which is rubbish, beacuse 9 year old girls need a Mommy more than a daddy...I know beacuse I was one. As i said, we're trying to plan a wedding, and all my enthusiasm is drained. I love him dearly, and don't get me wrong, I can totally deal with and even enjoy having my SD during school holidays etc but call me selfish I'm not ready for the whining, the early wake ups on weekends, the constant questions, the constanly having a 9 year old trying to compare herself to me, not to mention the artful sprinkles of "My Mommy this and that"...yesterday she told me that "Oh I know what you're talking about cos my Mommy is higher up than you"...I'm a fully qualifiedlawyer by the way this chick never worked a day in her life and dropped out of school at 16!

Aaaaarggghh...realise that I'm ranting, could go on for hours but just needed to vent!!! Any advise of how to deal with this situation is greatly appreciated!!!