New to site....looking for advice...a little long
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. He has a 5 yr old son from his 1st marriage and I have 5 kids of my own. He is still going thru his divorce. We do not live together. We love each other very much and we have a great relationship. Everything is great when its just the 2 of us or when he's around my kids. I am not one of those over-the-top moms. I know his son but have not been around him since we started dating. (Its a long story, but I was friends w/ him and his soon-to-be-ex prior to dating him...I didnt cause the divorce but she doesnt like that we are together...another story, another time) He gets his son every other weekend, 5pm Friday-5pm Sunday and every Wednesday, 5pm til 9am Thursday morning. He also goes to his TaeKwonDo practices on Tues, Thurs and Friday nights and every other practice or ball game his son has when its not his nights or weekends. When he has his son, he spends the whole time with him doing whatever his son wants. He is ALWAYS at his ex's house by 5pm come hell or high water to pick his son up. Bc their divorce is still in the works, I havent been around his son yet with he and I as a couple. So when he is with his son, we dont see each other at all. And what irritates me is that when we make plans on the wknds he doesnt have his son, if his son has a ball game or practice or whatever, that takes precedence over any plans we have. When I talk to him about it, he says its bc its the only child he has and he doesnt want to miss any of his things. I understand that he wants to be involved but I do NOT want to spend the rest of my life trying to plan things around his sons extracurricular activities. I have kids but I am ok with skipping the occasional game and I NEVER go to any practices. I wouldnt get anything else done. I find myself getting pissy the nights/wknds when he has his son. I dont know what to do. I have talked to him and he did skip a practice last Thursday to go to dinner with me. But this wknd, there were several Easter Egg hunts we could have gone to separately and got to hang out w/o being "together" that would have been the perfect opportunity for us to hang out and he didnt go, saying his son didnt want to go so they stayed home. I dont believe that is what happened, I just dont think he wanted to go bc we would be there. Maybe I am overreacting about the whole situation. But it just seems like everything revolves around his son and I can just see this being a big issue for me in the future if I dont find some way to deal with this now.....Thanks in advance 
That is my biggest fear. Not
That is my biggest fear. Not that his child should not be important but its that everything his son does comes before everything else. I hate that we cant make plans to do anything. A couple weeks ago some friends of ours were going to Nashville for a basketball tournament. I had said something to him a couple weeks prior to us going. It was the perfect opportunity bc neither of us had our kids that wknd to get away for a couple of days ALONE! Well his son had his final basketball game that Saturday. Now when I say final, let me explain. It was the final game of this particular rec league. I have never in my life seen a kid in so many activities in my life. So it was by NO MEANS his actual final basketball game. He had another one the following week with another league he plays in. Well my BF did not want to miss his game on Sat. So I went without him on Friday and he met me down there on Sat after his son's game. It really pissed me off. I just try to think down the road and I dont want my life to revolve around HIS child. I worry that he will always see things from the perspective of "only child". I think I have just become so used to being available when it was convenient for him, letting him see me around his son, and it is starting to wear on me. I dont expect him to put me in front of his child but I dont understand why it has to be all or nothing with his son either. I am there for my kids but bc I have 5, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to be at everything every one of my kids is involved in. And when something comes up from time to time that I would like to do, I am OK with missing the occasional game. I guess he and I just think differently. The only plus is that he does listen when I address the issue and I know he is sensitive to my feelings about it. But I dont know if he is willing to change much when it comes to his son and if he does, I am afraid he would end up resenting me at some point....UGH! All of this is just so much to think about!
That is my biggest fear. Not
That is my biggest fear. Not that his child should not be important but its that everything his son does comes before everything else. I hate that we cant make plans to do anything. A couple weeks ago some friends of ours were going to Nashville for a basketball tournament. I had said something to him a couple weeks prior to us going. It was the perfect opportunity bc neither of us had our kids that wknd to get away for a couple of days ALONE! Well his son had his final basketball game that Saturday. Now when I say final, let me explain. It was the final game of this particular rec league. I have never in my life seen a kid in so many activities in my life. So it was by NO MEANS his actual final basketball game. He had another one the following week with another league he plays in. Well my BF did not want to miss his game on Sat. So I went without him on Friday and he met me down there on Sat after his son's game. It really pissed me off. I just try to think down the road and I dont want my life to revolve around HIS child. I worry that he will always see things from the perspective of "only child". I think I have just become so used to being available when it was convenient for him, letting him see me around his son, and it is starting to wear on me. I dont expect him to put me in front of his child but I dont understand why it has to be all or nothing with his son either. I am there for my kids but bc I have 5, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to be at everything every one of my kids is involved in. And when something comes up from time to time that I would like to do, I am OK with missing the occasional game. I guess he and I just think differently. The only plus is that he does listen when I address the issue and I know he is sensitive to my feelings about it. But I dont know if he is willing to change much when it comes to his son and if he does, I am afraid he would end up resenting me at some point....UGH! All of this is just so much to think about!
I agree completely with
I agree completely with huntermom. If it is a big deal now it will only get worse. I would also be careful with getting married anytime soon. Give it a lot of time after the divorce is final and see if things change then.
maybe you are not the parent
maybe you are not the parent who minds missing a game...but a lot of parents want to be at every game. my mom was at every game, every recital...i loved that.
but in the end, your larger issue...he is not divorced. you are in a rebound situation. why do this?
I dont want to give the
I dont want to give the impression that I am just ok with skipping my kids games. I try to go to as much as possible. But I have 5 kids so its impossible for me to attend everything for every kid. And when something comes up I would like to do for myself that I cant just do everyday, I am ok with missing the occasional game.
I often wonder about the rebound aspect. He and I have been friends for over 15 years and I have known his soon to be ex for 20. I went to high school with her and the 3 of us went to college together. She's been a B* since the day I met her. Never liked her. How the 2 of them ever ended up together is still a mystery to me. They had been living "separate" for over 2 years before he filed back in October. Do I think I could be a rebound? I guess I could be. But I really dont think so. I am cautious though, whether he's a friend or not. I dont know if I have an answer to why. I do love him, very very much. We were friends first so that helps as well. What I dont want is to have this bite me in the a** in the end and lose a friend as well (him, not her).
Sounds too familiar. I too
Sounds too familiar. I too was dating my Bf during his divorce too. Only his immediate family (minus his son) knew about me...I felt like a ghost when it came to anything having to do with his son. I have no kids and he had one. He would have his son every other weekend and twice a week...so everytime he had his son, I wouldn't see my Bf. He gave me the same reasons he gave to you..."I barely see him, i dont' want to miss anything, I want to make him happy, I want him to know i Love him..." and the list goes on. On the weekends, after his son went to bed, he would ask me to come over...I did so for awhile, but then starting feeling sick to my stomach that i had to sneak around. It didnt' help of course that his ExW was a crazy psycho B*...so that prolonged the revealing of us as a couple even longer.
After awhile (~8 months from when we started dating) I asked him to give me a time frame as to when he thinks i'm going to meet his son as his gf....and not "that girl we see everywhere." He felt it was unfair that I asked for a timeline. After talking to my friends and thinking about it...I secretly gave myself a timeline. I thought to myself, if in another 4 months, I don't officially meet his son, I'm out of there. 2 months later...(with no pressure from me) I started coming over when he had his son, having dinner together, just doing things "together." I know that his son will be his #1 priority, and I'm ok with that because I'm not being treated any worse. He still is very considerate when it comes to me and my feelings if he has to cancel due to a practice or game and I appreciate that he asks me if I'm ok with it. But now that I am able to partake in all activities, there is no more canceling, I look at it as a change of plans.
So even if it feels like it's never going to happen, have faith...give yourself a timeline. I honestly did not think I'd make it...but here I am....I still have the occasional gripes, but for the most part, I think I survived...and so will you.
It appears that since he's
It appears that since he's going through a divorce, he's trying to minimize the damage to his son by spending as much time with him as possible . .indeed putting you and your plans 2nd. If you're not a priority to him now, this likely won't change in the near future until the kid grows up.
I went through the same thing with my DH and we got married after his daughter grew up. However, she still lives with us at 26, and I resent her because he still coddles and caters to her. I didn't meet her until she was a young adult because he never bought her around me when she was a teenager. So our situations are similar.
Finally, as folk responded . .the bigger issue here is that he is going through a divorce, and you are his rebound. If you stay in this relationship, just be prepared to take a back seat because his son will come first for many years to come.
Before we got married, DH and I broke up many times and as of today, I'm not sure if my feelings for SD will ever change.
I hate to say it but it
I hate to say it but it sounds like this guy is not ready to make any committment to any relationship. Besides the issue of him having just gotten out of (and not even fully yet) a relationship, it's obvious that his son is his top priority and he is not willing/ready to include a 'significant other' in his life (except on the few and far between occasions he has nothing better to do).
I know because I did this... when I first became a single mom of an only child, I never planned anything for when I had my son that didn't involve him and I never included someone that I was 'dating' for a long time. I was single (and divorced) for about a year before I started dating my DH and it was close to another year before I allowed the time between the two of them to really intermingle. That meant I only saw my DH twice a month on the every-other-weekend I didn't have my son. Until we got married (we didn't live together beforehand) after dating for 3 years, my son was my top priority. My guess is, your BF will not follow suit and his son will ALWAYS be his priority. Will you be happy being second to what seems to be an overly scheduled 5 year old?