Ex's buying gifts - weird or not?

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I have a situation that I believe is weird, but it may just be my perception. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and during that time his ex has been married and divorced twice - they have one child together. On christmas, birthdays, mother's day, father's day and valentines day they each take their child shopping for gifts for the other one. I find this weird because since my ex and I remarried we stopped that and it became the responsibility of the step-parent to take the child shopping. We find this works out better because the child gets to purchase something really nice for their parent, free of frustration and bitterness (we all know how those old feelins can just surface!!)

Anyway, I have many friends in a "blended family" and they do what my ex and I do, and for one reason - when my husband shops for his ex he is bitter and angry - only wants to spend a small amount of money and encourages his child to purchase the cheapest gift possible, which is usually a trinket, worthless garbage really - and his ex purchases the same stuff for him. I say why do that to yourself? I could take my SD shopping for her a dad and allow her to buy something he really wants and needs rather than some $2 somethings that will only end up in the trash. I have mentioned this many times, but it only falls on deaf ears, so I no longer say anything, but I do find it strange and would like to know if anyone else deals with this same issue.

Yes I found that weird after

Yes I found that weird after that many years apart. I take skids out for gifts for DH for holidays and I'm not sure what BM does. She has a loser b/f so who knows. If we do a craft project, skids always make BM something and I wrap it for her. So one year, she had them buy DH a desk calendar.

I dont think its the job of the ex, Its weird and like you said they end up buying something cheap. And I wouldnt be happy if they bought something expensive either. So I think that should fall on family members or the new spouse.

Thank you Marie! I feel so

Thank you Marie! I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone!

I think it would depend on

I think it would depend on the relationship of the bioparents. I have been divorced for 8 years now, and we each take our son to purchase Christmas gifts for each other, as well as Mother's/Father's day gifts. My DH has no issue with it, as does not the SM. We have a very supportive friendly co-parenting relationship though, so that might be the reason it doesn't seem weird to me.

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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young

Hi Jajita. My husband and

Hi Jajita.

My husband and his ex have a very unhealthy relationship. They do not co-parent, but rather snipe and try to out do eachother. My H has never spoken to, or tried to get to know either one her two ex's or her current fiance, and she has never spoken to me. I find their relationship to be full of bitterness, anger and contradiction, which is why I find this situation so weird I guess.

That would send mixed

That would send mixed signals for sure. They might honestly do it strictly out of feeling obligation versus anything else. In the beginning my split wasn't pleasant, but we did the gift thing out of obligation for DS, over the years we have developed a friendship. Maybe they just never let of the obligation part, and if they are bitter it still gives them something angry to hold on to. I don't how to put it in words, sometimes people have a harder time letting go of the negative and things that keep them angry, so they keep doing it and keep holding on to the anger too.

I wouldn't let it bother you too much, just take your SK out to purchase a nice gift from them for your DH and let his EX continue to stew if that's what she chooses. As for your DH, maybe with the unstability of partners in BM life he does it for the kids sake.

On a side note of that, I am

On a side note of that, I am SM and my DH's Ex does not take her kids to buy him gifts and vice versa, but they don't get along either. I take them to buy something for my DH. I ask them if their mom's BF took them to get anything for their mom, if they say no I let them get a small something for her as well. (I only do that for their sake not for FishNchip.) I am the first to admit that my and DH's relationship with my EX is not typical.

* "There are two things over

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

BM used to give DH pictures

BM used to give DH pictures for birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day, etc. There was always a picture of each of the kids...along with a picture of her with the kids. LOL! Needless to say, the one with her went into the box of pictures for the kids to have when they're grown. She made a big deal one time about DH never having anything for the kids to give her, so for mother's day a couple of years ago I made a framed collage of pictures of her with skids when they were little, and some pictures of them through the years she was gone. She left when they were very young, and didn't take any of their pictures with her, so I thought it'd be a nice gesture. I struggled with the decision to do it, but if I were in her shoes, I like to think I would be thankful. DH warned me she probably wouldn't put them up because she'd know that even with the kids names on them she'd know I put them together. My thoughts: the skids would be hurt if she didn't display their gifts, so her choices were either to upset the kids to appease herself, or please the kids and be reminded of me and my kind action every time she sees them in her home.

Well, I noticed on one of her FB pictures she does indeed have them hanging in her living room.

A minor win, yes...but it is a win.

DH had to stop taking SS to

DH had to stop taking SS to buy BM's gifts because SS was telling BM that DH bought it for her and would tell DH that BM bought a gift for him (trying to get them back together). So now, DH lets SS make a gift for his BM (by himself).

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

When I first met DH, they

When I first met DH, they would take the kids to buy each other presents. One time, he was going to take the kids and they said Mom's boyfriend had already taken them to get their mom something. Since then, I take the kids to buy DH presents and we do not send gifts to BM.

WHen I first got with DH, I

WHen I first got with DH, I proposed that on mothers day he take SS to buy a mothers day card and a little something for thier mother. He looked at me like I had two heads. And he didn't do it.

He is a real guy, not really into the gift thing. Although he does suprise me with many gifts, but usually they are really gifts for him - if you know what I mean (wink wink).

I guess I'm a guy, too...I

I guess I'm a guy, too...I mean, I buy what BF likes, but only if I like it, too LOL I mean, it's gonna take up space in OUR place!

bm's bday is this week, and BF was seriously contemplating getting her some tea "for reasons of civility"...He got my evil eyes. Then he quickly found some pretense to say, "but she can forget that, now!"

He's learning...lol

I am in the midst of dealing

I am in the midst of dealing with this issue currently. It was just BMs birthday and DH did get her a gift. Now it is his birthday coming up in a few weeks. I am not sure if I should take my SS's shopping for a present or let BM do it? The reason I question this is because for Christmas she did take the boys to buy presents for him. Should I have DH ask BM if she plans on doing this for his birthday too? Should I just take them and buy something regardless of what BM does? Should I contact her myself about it? Too many questions!

I say that you take the SS's

I say that you take the SS's to do it. You are the wife now. The less that BM has anything to do with him the better in my book.

I would highly suggest you try the BM-free diet.

I think you should take SS's

I think you should take SS's shopping and help them pick a gift. If BM chooses to do the same, he gets 2 gifts from his kids. I wouldn't bother with what her plans are.

Hi fullhouseof5! Over the

Hi fullhouseof5!

Over the seven years we have been married I have taken my SD to purchase gifts for her Dad, but BM still sends things regardless. I guess it depends on how you look at it - for me, I can't ask her because she won't sepak to me - I can't ask my husband to do ask her because he agrees, or goes along with the current status quo - so I have no recourse,(except for this forum.)

With that said, I do take my SD shopping because I want her to feel included in our family and allow her to buy something really nice for her Dad. Additionally, these shopping trips allow us to bond, which is really special and beneficial on many levels. However, I am still very bothered by the fact that BM sends trinket gifts to him because in my mind it's weird and tactical.

Thanks for all the advice!!!

Thanks for all the advice!!! I think what I will do is just take the boys and not worry about what BMs plans are/were.

The less I involve her in things going on at our house the better.

We totally bypass all of that

We totally bypass all of that by simply not giving bm gifts, ever. BM never gives us gifts, ever, and rarely gives ss gifts for holidays (on xmas she gave him a used toy that already belonged to him which we had given him a year before, and on his bday, which is a week after easter, she gave him a stuffed animal and a chocolate that we later saw at the grocery discounted 75% off from easter). So in the last year she has spent about $50 on ss4, and that is generously including gas to come see him. We do not give her photos, school artwork, report cards.. nothing. We might if she asked, but she has zero interest in any of it. If she were appropriately involved with her child, then yes i would probably get her gifts from ss for mothers day, xmas etc., but as she has so little to do with him... No.

DH used to help the kids buy

DH used to help the kids buy gifts for their mom's birthdays, etc. This year, it seems to have stopped. Ex-wife has a new boyfriend and he buys her gifts, so perhaps that is what motivated the end.

In any case, it always seemed odd to me.

This is an old post.. But I

This is an old post.. But I am currently having issues along this line. Have been married a year and my husband has been buying gifts for BM from my SD for the past 13 years for Christmas, birthdays, and other holidays. BM is remarried and has been for 7 years. I feel it is my responsibility to buy a gift with my SD for my husband. BM's husband should do this for her as well. When I bought it up to my husband he shut me down. Am I crazy for feeling this gift giving needs to end now that we are married?

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Ex's buying gifts - weird or not?