sad husband because of pas
Forums:
Is there someone knows" Parental Alienation"? Understands it, knows that is real, maybe experienced it?
Dealing with a difficult ex-partner.
I feared for my husbands health and our relationship because of his ex wife.
My husabnd heart is breaking, his oldest has practically disowned him.
We know it is pas, for the dtr talks like my husbands ex and says things that are not true.
He has stress at work and now this, which has been a rollercoaster ever since we started dating ..FIVE years after his divorce.
We have been together for 7 years.Maried for three.
Thank you,
PAS
BTDT, I am sorry that you have to go through this because I would not wish it on anybody. Even though the kds are older now we still feel the effects. According to their BM he is only good for money and they should use him for that just like she has always done. Also, H has had terrible health problems because of blood pressure and other issues.
It is better now then it used to be. H finally got to the point he accepted it instead of trying to change it. At the same time when they show up asking for money, just like their BM, he has grown stronger and learned to say no. He does realize they are just using him for what they can get, which is the same thing that BM always did. Its turning into a more stressful event now because they are all living beyond their means and expecting dear old dad to help pay for what they want not what they need.
Time and time again I have watched them rip his heart out of his body and stomp it on the ground and that is when I stopped loving them and I stopped caring. Its more difficult during the holidays so I will be glad when Jan. gets here.
Oh, yeah, we've got experience with that.
Our family is me, DH, BD4, BS9, SD16, SD15 and SS12. We've been married six years. By the second year of our marriage, BM had almost completely alienated my husband from his children. Wouldn't allow visits, wouldn't allow phone calls, talked us down to them, etc. It was awful. Then he got a job offer in another state and we decided to take it. We weren't being allowed to see the kids, anyway, and didn't have the $$$ to fight it in court, so we just left. We kept trying to maintain contact with phone calls, emails, cards/letters, gifts, etc. For the past two years, especially around special occasions, he would just get horribly depressed. Never got a card or a call on Father's Day or his birthday, never got a thank you for the birthday and Christmas gifts we sent t hem, never returned our phone calls or replied to our emails. It was definitely their mother when they were younger, but then they became teenagers, got their own cell phones and email accounts and it was obvious that if THEY wanted to talk to him, they could choose to do that. They just simply don't choose to participate in a relationship with DH or the rest of our family. Sigh. It's hit DH really hard. It's taken time, but like Sparky says above, eventually he started to accept what was happening and he stopped investing so much emotionally. We still send cards/gifts on birthdays and Christmas. He still calls them a couple of times a month. I still send them a couple of emails a month. We mostly don't get responses back from them, but we have finally accepted that we're doing all we can and it's up to them. Someday, they may start thinking for themselves and see what's really what. Or maybe not. Maybe they will always believe the lies their mother tells them. But we keep showing them that we're here and that we love them, no matter what. We just don't expect anything back anymore. It's not easy to get to the point of acceptance and mostly just takes time and a lot of practice detaching from the situation. And it should NEVER happen. Sadly, it happens all too often.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
thanks
You know, my h is the dad I wish was the real to my kids.
He is so kind and sweet, loving concerned and so big hearted.
when he was "kicked out of his house 12 yrs ago, it broke his heart. he never wanted to be a single dad.
h has told me b4 the marriage ended that if he didnt do something she asked, she would move away to bc and he would never see his kids.
so, now my dh has been brained to things or he will lose his girls.
he had no rules, his house was in horrible condition when i met him. (gross at times) i told this was unhealthy. but single men are not always clean at th ebest of times.
anyways he told me that he did not make the girls do anything because he was feared if he did, they wouldnt want to be around him.
he tells me that he acted liked his ex got her way with stuff( still controling), because then he would have his kids whenever he wanted.(after divorce)
if she needed something fixed at her place shed call him, even though she had a man living there, she told him..."dont you care about your kids"
she had a fight with his bf she come running over to my h and stay there.again used the kids as pons. (b4 i came in the picture.
i was kind to the kids, i work with kids, love kids. they were so happy when i was coming over to visit, then about 6 - 1 yr later a 9 and 12 say that im phoney and fake and weird, and im going to change....mmmmm man they are soial workers at a young age! lol. it was their mom being jealous.
we have battles for years. different rules between our house than hers,
the girls are convienced that i changed their dad, im controling, and their dad made a mistake with being me.
my h parents are so happy to have their son back, glad that i love him and take care of him. MY h EX threaten him when they were marrried that he had to choose between his parents or her and the kids. so the fear of losing his kids, choose his kids and his ex.
~he now closer than ever with them( parents), which is good, because they are getting older. 70+
this is a small amt of what we are dealing with, there is so much more.
you can see how my husband has been trained to think , to not lose his kids.
im feared for his health and us, just because im not like their mom, different rules etc, it has put a wall at times between my husband and I.
thanks for reading.
Universal situations
"the girls are convienced that i changed their dad, im controling, and their dad made a mistake with being me."
My SD does this too. I think her mom was trying to convince her that DH and I were unhappy b/c BM told this theory to SD's psychologist (imagine believing your delusions enough to SHARE with a PhD Psychologist!) That was BM's reasoning that DH was fighting for custody- b/c he wanted her back! (Interesting way to show affection, don't you think?) SD actually exaggerates how long it was just the two of them before I came along (she says it was anywhere from 2-4 YEARS....it was actually only from labor day when BM moved out to May when DH and I started dating.) She often speaks of that as the best time of her life.
Here's another one that caught my attention --
"my h parents are so happy to have their son back, glad that i love him and take care of him. MY h EX threaten him when they were marrried that he had to choose between his parents or her and the kids. "
My Dh's ex actually made horrible accusations regarding my FIL and something he did to BM. Use your imagination. THAT bad. She coerced DH into writing a horrible letter to his parents essentially writing them out of his life. I came along so quickly after the divorce that they were understandably worried I would come between them and the son they only just got back. Boy have they been relieved that I'm not possessive!
Luckily for me DH had long ago given up on any attachment to the outcome to the drama. As far as SD goes, he says, "I have about 5 more years to try to help her grow up to have decent relationships. If I can't do it b/c she is her mother's daughter, then I can't. I refuse to give in to emotional black mail from either of them."
Yea to him
Peace, love, and red wine
d
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