Becoming an irrelevance
I'm feeling like I'm becoming and irrelevance to my step-daughter (SD), how should I feel and what should I do? A brief background. My wife and I married some time ago after living together for a year. At the time her children were very young and I knew exactly what I was taking on. The children and I bonded very quickly. I made a significant difference in helping to build an otherwise ruined relationship between my SS and his real father. My relationship with my SS is to this day very strong. However, the relationship with my SD is difficult to say the least. Her development into her teens and adulthood have given my wife and I both the usual 'challenges'. Because the state school they go to is so awful we recently applied for them to attend a private school part-funded by the company their father works for, because it has such a good record and was an opportunity of a lifetime for them; they were accepted. I was fully behind this decision and accept that it is thanks to their father that they can attend, although I pay part of the fees. The difficulty for me is the school do not recognise me as the children's father (legally I'm not) and so my wife and the children's father (who's had nothing to do with their upbringing) are the parents signing the forms, making the decisions and receiving the invites to open days, PTA meetings and so on. I am, to put it mildly, sidelined by the school. However, I was hoping that my children who call me 'Dad' would not cast me aside quite so quickly; well, my SS hasn't and he loves me dearly, but my SD seems quite ambivalent about whether I participate in her school life anymore or not. I said recently that I felt a bit uncomfortable about not really being welcome at open day and my SD said, without hesitation; "but you've got nothing to do with the company." True, I don't but I'm still her Dad (I thought to myself). There is also an unfortunate pecking order in the school that relates to the father's 'position' in the company and I imagine that is, sadly, something the children use as a form of one-up-manship given you can't much higher up the pecking order than their father. My feelings, unrecognised and dismissed by my wife as 'childish', are that I feel I will increasingly become an irrelevance to my SD, whereas I have little worry about my relationship with my SS. Given my wife doesn't like talking about this and so long as I shut up about my feelings our relationship will remain solid, I joined this forum to get some popular opinion. I would be very grateful for your thoughts.
The feeling of irrelevance. I
The feeling of irrelevance. I just had my first experience two nights ago. My DH has twins girls (almost 4) that he has full custody of. BM was out of the picture (by choice) when I met him and I have been raising the girls as their "mom" since I came into the picture. Just recently (since April) BM came back into their lives on an every-other-weekend basis. So...preschool graduation rolls around. DH is working so I get up with the girls, get them ready for school, take them to school, pick them up from school, put them down for naps, get them up from naps, dress them up "all pretty" for their graduation and once again drive them back to school. BM had been invited (even though she had never been to their school or met their teachers).
Here I come into the school, diaper bag over one shoulder, camera bag over the other shoulder, tiny pink jackets hanging out of my purse, sippy cups in hand and both girls on each side. They go up front to do their songs and performances that they have been working on and I take a seat. Well one of my SDs gets stage fright and is clamming up. DH discreetly walks up behind her, reassures her, and tells her to participate with her class. As he is walking away, here comes BM across the front of the auditorium, running over to comfort her daughter. Let's give out the mom of the year award now! She has hardly been around 6 of the last 12 months and even now only sees them a total of 4 days a month.
After they received their little diplomas and came back to their seats, all they wanted was to sit with their mom and share their excitement with her. I stood there, dumb-founded, invisible, still holding pink and purple sippy cups. I told DH that I was going to go refill the cups but I actually went in the bathroom and cried. I know it isn't their fault. They don't understand, but it still hurts. I can only pray that when they are older they will understand who has always been there for them.
For the record, I am 28 now and my step dad came into our lives after my dad died when I was 10 years old. It was a hard transition and it took awhile to accept him. It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that I finally realized who my "real" dad had been all along. Even if my bio-dad was still alive today I would consider my step dad my only dad. Things have a way of coming around.
Might you engage SD in other
Might you engage SD in other ways? Maybe you can pick her up and take her out to lunch once a week, or take her and a couple friends to the movies, or anything that you can think of that she would like.
My point is, just because the school doesn't recognize stepparents fully doesn't mean you have to let sd slip out of your heart. You can still be her dad in all the ways that really count.
The Golden Rule is "the man
The Golden Rule is "the man with the gold makes the rules". On that note I'd mention that if I'm not part of the school, not part of the happenings, and not "part of _____" whatever the SD says, then I'm not going to be part of the BILL either. Let Daddy pay for it all if you aren't allowed to be involved.
Sounds pretty blunt and crappy, but it's a fact. It's taxation without representation. Like when my ex wanted me to pay for cheerleading outfits and baseball crap but because BD was head of the Sports Association I couldn't be at events. No thanks. If Daddy won't let stepdaddy be at the functions, Daddy can foot the bill...