The relationship between BM and I is strained, to say the least. I know this may sound awful given the stereo-type step-moms are already given but I'm fed up with being walked all over-- I just hope I'm not judged for typing this out, I really just need to vent. I have not shared this with anybody outside of our family, other than my bff, as far as everybody knows, we are a happy family b/c if people know, people will ask how things are going and sometimes, I just don't want to have to think about it.
BM and I both try our hardest to stay decent with each other, and we do a great job of this in front of the kids but I can't even have the kids in the house whenever DH, her, and I have to sit down and discuss anything regaurding SS b/c she goes off like a firecracker-- yelling, screaming, cussing, and she's even ran her car into our pump house once, busted the water pipe to our house and we were out of water for two days (she did go to jail for that one)! Like the other night, I had her come over, after much insisting over the course of a week, to discuss how she and DH wanted to handle switching over SS's medical insurance from Medicaid to DH's insurance through work, which would be through the state. Now, she knows that I handle ALL this kinda stuff in our house b/c frankly, DH does not have the time working full time and handling our finances to do it himself, and he finds this sorta stuff very confusing. I handle all the paperwork. Period. It is our household and this is just how we do it, and SS is on our family insurance through Medicaid anyway. So I had been doing my research throughout the week on this b/c I knew how this was going to play out-- BM was going to want to keep SS on Medicaid so she wouldn't have to pay half of the co-pays, etc. with the new insurance. I knew that she could not do this under her name b/c SS doesn't live with her (DH is the custodial parent) and we couldn't keep him under Medicaid under DH's name b/c DH has other insurance available-- I had my proof of this ready for her.-- BM is a lot like my own mother and I can read her like a book. She hadn't paid child support to us but once or twice, only AFTER she'd been to jail, since SS came to live with us (almost 3 years ago) and she's just not very involved in his life, in any beneficial way, unless she thinks she can get out of having to spend money on him, then she is there adding her two cents, yet, she refuses to give up her parental rights. Gonna steer off-topic a little now... I have had people ask me why I would want another mother to give up her rights to her child... and my answer to this is that this is one of those cases where it would definately be beneficial to SS and everybody else in the home, who we have to consider as well (IMO). I treat SS like one of my own but there is always a road-block in the way of me completely, with no limitations, loving him like one of my own, though I do not show this. This is a mental thing with me in my head that I haven't been able to get past yet. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve like that, in such a risky situation, not with a child that I would call my own. It's almost like a survival instinct-- I just can't, as much as I want to, b/c I have seen this play out with myself AND my husband time and time again-- no matter what my mother has done to me in my life, I strive to please her! (Granted, when it comes to my children, I will not let my mother get away with doing the stuff she did to me, to them. They will not ever stay with her alone, they never have either.) Anywho, back to the original topic-- no matter what DH's mother and father, who BOTH walked out on him leaving him with his grandmother to raise him (and thank God she did, she did a pretty good job) did, he always tries to please them. SS is already the same way, no matter what BM has done to him, let be done to him, and will let happen to him b/c of her-- he strives to please her above all others! I understand this, I totally get it! That is his mother, there is a bond there and I know how strong that bond is with my own children, and how strong it was between my mother and I, even though my childhood wasn't the best. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that we got SS when he was 4 years old, almost 5 years old, and that lifestyle is all he has known from birth. He still doesn't feel like he fits in with us, I think. And it's sooo confusing to him b/c when he goes to visitation at her house, it's like clash of the lifestyles-- we are quiet-natured, soft-spoken, pretty easy-going, home-bodies. My kids are on a pretty good schedule and we just enjoy life and take it one day at a time, with a little excitment, such as a birthday party or going to the lake, from time to time. At BM's-- it's the polar opposite! She lives with her mom and step-dad, she is 24 years old, she's dating a 17 year old boy, she and her mom are constantly fighting b/c she doesn't pick up after herself and her children, her brother is constantly in and out and getting into trouble-- SS has seen his uncle cut his girlfriend and go to jail for it, still has the teddy bear that the police officer gave him-- "Fuzz", which is a constant reminder of what happened b/c everytime somebody that's never "met" Fuzz sees him, they of-course ask where he got him-- and he replies that the police man gave it to him when uncle. ---- went to jail for cutting his girlfriend..... They are all doing drugs and none of them can control their mouths, even during their daily lives, everything has to come out in a curse. When he gets over there, or even when she comes to pick him up, he falls right back into it with them. He gets loud, rude, and bossy-- b/c this is all he's ever known. For the first week after coming back from her house, I have to deal with this behavior, or his teacher does if he's back in school, which gets worse as he gets older. He was in and out the principal's office last year, I was back and forth at the school b/c DH was working (he makes the most so I had to leave work to deal with it, BM wasn't working at the time, btw) and BM wouldn't go up there, etc. SS is not my child, I can send him to his room or put him in timeout, which sometimes works/ sometimes doesn't (more like it doesn't most the time), which is starting to concern me. I have let my husband know this b/c like I said, I have no legal rights over SS and if I spanked him (I do believe in a pop on the hiney to let them know I mean business), I feel whole-heartedly he would tell his mom and she'd try something..... no doubt in my mind. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm trapped in my own home with this bad behavior and he can go around terrorizing my children, who are only 4 and 2, w/o being punished for it b/c he knows his dad is at work and I can't do anything other than send him to his room or put him in timeout, where he has started back-talking me and throwing things (toys, books, anything he can get his hands on) at me and my children. My 4-yr. old has had moments when he has just broke down from being bullied and picked on, just treated plain mean and I've had to keep him and his sister in my bedroom to keep SS from bullying them-- I should NOT have to do this to them in their own home! I've called his mother when he does this, told her to please come over here and talk to him, she literally laughs and says, "Y'all wanted him, now you have him. You deal with it." I've talked to DH about it and all he says is, "What do you want me to do about it?" We've had SS in counseling, twice, both times they have sent him back and said he is fine, he's adjusted well, and you are doing great with him. My first question is this-- is this normal behavior for his age (he is currently 7 and a half) or maybe normal for him (personality wise)? I personally don't think so. I think SS has realized the power he and his mom have over the situation and he's using it on me to get his way in our home, which any child would take advantage of, I guess. (Btw, when DH is home, you couldn't ask for a better child! Prolly b/c he knows daddy CAN handle bad behavior but then, DH doesn't see what I have to deal with.) And if this is normal for his age, what can i do to curb it? i just feel like at this point, if things continue to get worse, i don't know what i'm going to do. i feel like the way he treats my children (my 4-yr. old son especially) is wrong and i don't want my children to feel terrorized in their own home, the only home they have ever known. friends have noticed his behavior when they are over, so have his teachers, and DH knows this but he still thinks i should be able to handle it. i honestly don't know what to do b/c i've never dealt with this before, even though i have children of my own. i realized almost as soon as DS and DD started getting into deliberate trouble that they were doing it for attention. they are genuinely good children, not bragging, this is true. if they do something naughty, it's for attention b/c they are feeling a little bit left out. i don't excuse the behavior, they are put into time-out and after, we talk. this especially works with DS --ok, DD may still be doing genuinely naughty things b/c she is 2 and testing mommy --, but DS is really good about telling me what he is feeling, something that we have HAD to work on b/c of he has a sensory disorder, and this helps him and myself tremendously. i have tried this same approach with SS. i start out asking him what he did wrong and having him tell me. then, "SS, is there a reason why you are behaving this way? are you upset? do you need some snuggles? do you want to talk? what are you feeling?" he says he "doesn't know" to everything i ask him. i have run every thing i can think of over in my head--- i don't think he's bored, he gets enough sleep, i love on him, he excercises, etc. i'm just getting to my wit's end with this and the future is really worrying me. the bottom line, imo, is that even if he is doing this for some underlining reason, he has to know right from wrong and i feel like it cannot be excused. we have provided him with everything a child needs, material wise and emotionally. he is clothed, fed, well-rested, he goes to the dr. he gets an education, he has friends over, i take him to his friends' birthday parties, he has sleep overs at their house, he is loved and shown it, he's treated equally (other than he doesn't get spanked, and DS and DD do, though they don't need it often). even my family has welcomed and treated him as one of their own, my dad has spent literally thousands of dollars on him! when he moved in with us, right after i had had DD (2 days after, the whole hearing was done behind my back and i did not agree to it), we were not prepared for him in the least. BM sent no clothes for him, no winter jacket, NOTHING. my dad bought him a bed, mattress, bedding, clothes, toys, etc. b/c we couldn't. i had just had a baby and spent my first day home in a lawyer's office with DH. not to mention, we couldn't afford all of this stuff for SS at the time. DS had co-slept with us from birth so we didn't even have a bed SS could sleep in and we had just spent a bunch of money getting DD settled into the house. after things settled down, we even went as far as to give him his own space and took out a loan to add on to our house, which we were going to do anyway to give DD a room but instead of adding on just the one room, which would have cut the cost in half, we went ahead and added on two. (even though now, the boys share a room). i'm sure he still feels pulled and tugged between the two homes but i feel like i'm the one caught in the middle of his rage and i shouldn't be, if that makes sense. this is something that i should be advising and providing encouragment with but DH and BM should be handling, yet they are not and i don't know what to do. it is so much easier with your biological child b/c again, it's unexplainable, but you just seem to know when something is bothering them and for the most part, what is bothering them. you know them sooo well. you have gotten to know them since they first started showing their personality traits in the womb and with a step-child, not raised from birth, you have to take months, sometimes weeks, years to figure them out, and in my case, SS was almost a total stranger when he came to live with us b/c he stayed a lot with DH's grandmother, since that's where he stayed when he came to visit when DH was still living with her, before we were married. i knew DH had a child when we married, i know i "married into it", i get that but does that still mean i have to deal with this? i thought that when two people had a child together, it was THEIR responsibilty to raise that child together as much as possible. imo, and from this experience, legally, a step-mom is nothing more than an underpaid baby-sitter that has to deal with a lot of bs from BM and no help from dad. you would think-- you expect your baby sitter to care for your child and treat them the way a child should be treated and you, in return, do your job as their parent and help them out as much as possible financially and if your child was misbehaving but it is not the case here. well, go waaaaaaay back to the first topic i brought up... i think i left off with BM at our house, kids are gone, discussing the insurance issue...
well, like i said, we get no CS or financial help from her in any way, shape, or form. it is court ordered that she pay half of all medical bills, co-pays, etc. the pediatrician's office knows this as they have a copy of the court order and have to deal with this stuff all time. since we are in between insurance right now, SS was not covered when he had his back-to-school immunizations the other week and the bill was for $450.oo (btw, he has to have his immunizations up-to-date to start back school or we have to go through a TON of paperwork to allow him to go to public school unimmunizised b/c it is a legal risk for the school to have an "unimmune" child exposed to various bugs...). anywho, BM wants her children to have immunizations, as do i, so we got him his shots. when she was presented with a 225 $$ bill, she flipped her lid! the pedi's office mails them to her but she told us that night she was not paying that, she didn't make that in one week. i told her nicely, b/c DH had already shut down-- meaning he'd let her have her way if i didn't say anything b/c he doesn't stand up to her, and us having to pay another $225.oo meant my children would go without something, and I think they go without enough as it is, it is my job to protect them as well-- anywho, i told her nicely, maybe she should consider finding a second job, and that DH was currently, and planning on continuing, to work two jobs. it was all about making sacrifices for your children. i also told her that the pedi's office was very nice and would set her up with an interest-free payment plan and that DS and DD's bill was more b/c it was the two of them and our bill is only $37.50 a month for 6 months. she kept screaming at me and cussing at me until i finally told her if she didn't stop, b/c for one, i couldn't understand a word she was saying, that she would have to leave and we'd do this another time when she was calmed down. she told me to shut up and went to hit me then, and if she had, i dunno what i would have done. i know i should have told her to leave if she had but looking back, it prolly would have been on b/c of the rage i was feeling at the time-- i was SO MAD! here i am, having to speak for my husband, who is has a child with this woman and is supposed to be my rock, my support, who is supposed to stand up for me and he is allowing her, in our home, to talk to me this way when i have done nothing but care for her child like he is one of my own, let mine go without sometimes and let him terrorize my children in their own home, where they are supposed to feel safe and comfortable, and had done what i thought was best concerning his health and education without the guidance of BM and hubby, as usual, b/c DH said to call BM and ask her what she wanted to do and i couldn't get ahold of her, 'nor did she return my calls, as usual. i have done nothing but open my home, my life up to her and SS, and have gotten nothing but hell from her, and it's starting to look as if it will be that way with SS as well. this situation has pushed DH and i's marriage to the brink (and it looks as though it will be doing that again now) and put a strain on our family life during a time when our children should be carefree and happy but instead, are terrorized by an older half-sibling who is angry at his parents but taking it out on the only person who seems to give a damn about him. and here she is, hand raised to slap my face and telling me to shut-up in my house with my husband just sitting right there. thank God 1. my children were not there and 2. she didn't slap me in the face. i told her as calmly as i could, which came out more like a growl, lol, that i would think twice before doing that and she stopped, i think she saw in my face for a split-second that this was no game and she would be making a HUGE mistake by laying her hands on me. i told her that i was not making her pay the bill, i couldn't do that, i'm not a judge. i told her i did not bill her, the pedi's office did b/c that is what the court order states. told her if she wasn't going to pay it, that was fine, it is no longer my concern, it is not my credit record that it will go on. i told her that if she felt like the dr.'s visit was "un-needed" that she could hire a lawyer and rebuke it in court. she said she didn't have the money to pay it or hire a lawyer b/c she "didn't get to go to college b/c she had to take care of SS"-- i reminded her that i, DH's mom, and DH's grandmother offered to keep SS while she got her GED, b/c she had failed her freshman year of high school from missing too much school due to being pregnant with SS (they felt bad, i admit, i did not b/c she and DH had brought this on themselves by having sex at such a young age and i have never pitied either of them) but she became pregnant again, by another guy, her senior year and failed that year b/c she just didn't apply herself, she was more concerned with going out with her boyfriend but used the excuse that "SS kept her from doing her homework"-- again, lie b/c DH's grandmother kept SS for her from 7:00 a.m. until 6 in the afternoon, school let out at 3:30 for us, why was homework and studying not done between 3:45, when she got home, and 6:00, when DH's grandmother would drop SS off for her. yes, that's right, she didn't even have to drop him off, pick him up, or pack a bag of diapers for him when DH's grandmother kept him. DH paid for all of the stuff he needed while he was there and child support. my mother-in-law ended up paying the 60 $$ for her to get her GED b/c BM told us all that she was going to go to college if we would watch SS for her and she would put her daughter in daycare. we thought this was great and agreed to it but when school started, she never went and we never saw SS-- she had met, yet another guy, and was married to him three weeks after she met him and pregnant again two months after. long story short, i told her SHE had made these decisions, she had more than one oppurtunity, AFTER SS had come along to go to college if SHE HAD APPLIED HERSELF! she is famous for asking, "what did DH have to give up?" well, here's the thing, and i tell her this everytime, granted, i'm nicer about saying it to her than this but... you had a child with a 17-year old boy, he legally couldn't marry you, thank God, b/c you were both underage and his legal gaudians wouldn't allow him to marry you. you were promiscuous then and they decided to wait to see if the baby was actually his, and in that time, your true colors came through he realized what a weak moment and mistake you were and how you two would NEVER be happy together. from then on, he took what life gave him-- a beautiful, healthy baby boy, got a job, paid his support, visited his son, graduated high school with honors, went to a prestigious college and graduated with a masters in education, all while working full time, taking care of his family, gaining custody of said baby boy, and having two more beautiful, healthy children BECAUSE HE APPLIED HIMSELF and he didn't marry the first thing that showed him a bit of attention and ended up with somebody he loves, and who loves him very much, who supported him no matter what, and encouraged him to keep going when he didn't think he had the energy to stay up and write one more paper after a full day of school and work, knowing he had to be up again at 6 a.m. for class. i told her, she has never thought out any major decision she has made in her life and even if she did and she knew it was wrong, she did it anyway and for that, there is nothing i can say but that she had brought all of this on herself-- it is not DH's fault, it's not SS's fault, and it's not my fault. until BM can except this, she will never better herself. she has never been in the wrong, from the time socical services removed her children from her filthy home, to when her husband took her other son and left her (and not for another woman), it has always been somebody else's fault. and i cannot allow her to continue taking advantage of me and my family anymore by getting away with paying no support and doing nothing but stirring things up and disturbing the peace in my household.
she has court on the 24th of this month for not paying child support, it's through our county b/c she has to pay for through the courts, this is her 4th time going in and it is supposed to one year jail time with no bail. in that time, the state pays SS's support and she comes out owing the state-- and the state will get their money back, one way or another, whether they take it out her taxes or get it by other means... well, i proposed that, since we are invited to attend the hearing, we go. i called our clerk of courts and she said yes, come and i can bring up anything she is in contempt with as long as it is in the court order. so i write my three page paper for DH to read and put into his own words to present to the judge (yeah, i had to do this) and here we are, happy for a split-second b/c we are gonna propose revoking visitations until she has caught CS up, paid the medical bill by the deadline the pedi's office had established (which is 6 mths. generally), had done research on smoking in a closed-in room with a child who has asthma, and had taken anger management and parenting classes... i felt for sure the judge would agree to this or maybe even terminate rights since she had in fact already been ordered once already to take anger management classes when she ran her car into our pump house with her unbuckled baby flying around her back seat (she was in her infant carseat) and had already once taken parenting classes b/c they were court ordered when social services removed her children. but, low and behold, she paid half of what she owed on child support (NO idea where she got the money, but i have my theories) to us last night and now, they prolly won't even make her go to court b/c that's how they do, as long as she's "trying"-- sure, she's trying, trying to keep her butt outta jail!!! trying to make our lives miserable! i'm going to call again today to see if they will still honor the trial but i doubt it highly. at this point, i don't know what to do. we cannot afford a lawyer everytime she is in contempt of court. DH can pay $75.00 and file a "motion to enforce", which is explained here: http://www.ptla.org/postjudgment/enforce.htm basically, we can be seen before a judge, state our problems and concerns without having to have a lawyer present, and have the judge make a ruling based on the evidence provided to him by us, but we have to prove everything we claim beyond the shadow of a doubt. i think this is a good idea, DH does not. i just don't know what he expects out of me, what he thinks i'm supposed to do... i'm just at my wit's end with this. if DH and i end up not making it, not only will i be putting our children through what SS is going through by not having both parents there, but i will be letting BM win, and i can't let another dead-beat parent win for something like this-- for SS's sake, for my sake, for my family's sake, and for all the other parents actually trying to survive and be good parents who, like us, have to deal with this crap. i know that if we don't make it, i will NEVER marry a man who has children already... never. i prolly won't get married again until mine are grown and left home b/c it's just very difficult to blend families, it takes very special people to do that and everybody has to be on board, which is not the case with any of the experiences i've had with this-- from my step-dad on to my dad's girlfriend, to this. i guess i will have to sit down oneday soon and weigh out whether staying here in this environment is more harmful or less harmful to my children than leaving the only home they've ever known and seperating their parents... in the future, i see SS's influence on, especially my DS, not being good and i will not have that around DS. i refuse to, this is not how i want my children brought up. right now, if i could get DH and BM on board helping me and backing me up, we wouldn't be having nearly the issues that we are but this has not happened since i've been dealing with this. i have told BM, i'm not trying to take her place as SS's mother, i'm ONLY trying to make sure he is cared for when DH is not home and that my household is kept calm and happy not only for SS but for my own children as well.
there is a simple way to start fixing this and that's for my husband to put his foot down, as SS's father and custodial parent, and lay down the rules for BM and what he expects to happen for their child, his behavior, how she treats me and our children, and how she should act in our home-- but he won't do this. he needs to sit SS down and set down some rules and punishments for if those rules are broke while he is not at home-- how is easy is that? but he won't do it. i'm just having a t-total pity party for myself today!!! but it isn't for me so much as not wanting DS and DD to be brought up the way i was, i know how miserable my childhood was-- i don't look back at my childhood with fondness and i don't want this for them!