Yes. I think it's nice that DH tries to include you though. My DH doesn't ask me to go to Meet the Teacher night or conferences or antyhing like that. Him and BM go.

What have you done the last 3 years? Do the same- no sense in changing. If you've gone before it shouldn't be a big deal this time. If you haven't then don't- why start something? However if you don't go then tell sd you won't be going but wish you could but that BS would be disruptive anyway. Even tell her that you don't want BS to embarass her. Middle schoolers do not want to be embarrassed in front of their peers and any little thing could be considered an embarrassment at that age!

I am going to my SD5's kindergarten open house tonight. You should definitely go!

I base all my step-parenting decisions on what I feel is best for my family: Me, my husband and my skids. I don't give a rat's ass what their bio-mom thinks of me being there or not.

I am on horrible terms with BM, but in front of the skids I am perfectly civilized and basically pretend that she doesn't exist. She always looks like she's swallowed a rotting, sour mouse, but she can wallow in her own miserable little world and I just don't care. I go to school functions, open houses, teacher meetings, orientations etc because I support my skids 100% and I am highly involved in their lives, including their school activities. Their teachers are wonderful with me and always show that they appreciate my involvement in my step-kids lives. Because I am the parent that picks them up from school almost every day and helps with homework and science fair projects 95% of the time, I feel fully entitled to be a part of ALL school activities that parents are invited to. This is what my husband wants, my skids want and what I want. BM would love for me to be publicly tarred and feathered, naked in front of the whole town, while simultaneously being banned from interaction with any children, but she can fill one hand with wishes and one hand with her own crap and see which fills up faster. I'm not going anywhere! It means a lot to my skids that I support them and show up to all their school stuff and I intend to for as long as they aren't embarrassed to have me there! Considering that their "mom" forgot to pick them up from summer school three times (and I came to the rescue of course) and I was always prompt and on time every single day, they trust me to be there for them and their mom, not so much.

It has taken a long time to get to this point, but I view my skids the same way I would children that I had adopted. I didn't give birth to them (THANK GOD) and i'm not their bio-mom (again, THANK GOD), but I am a parent to them, the same as if I had adopted kids (ages 3 and 9 when H and I were married).

I think it all really depends on the relationship you have with your skids, how involved you are in their day to day lives and what kind of a role you and your husband (or wife) are comfortable with. My husband is extremely grateful for all the help I give and he says that things run way more smoothly with me as his co-parent than it did before when he was with BM.

Last week, I went to my SS12's intro to junior high seminar and I did the tour and met all his teachers and helped him set up his locker and find all his classes. At a certain point I actually almost started laughing because me, hubby, SS6, SS12 and BM were all sitting in a row on bleachers and I thought about all the nastiness and fighting we've all gone through and how ridiculous it is that we were all sitting there like nothing happened. For some reason, the silliness and irony of it just made me want to crack up. }:) For the sake of the kids, we just ignored BM and focused on what we were there for and there were no problems. BM looked like she swallowed an un-peeled pineapple and was even more spastic and freakish looking than usual, but that's her problem not ours. My SS12 was thrilled to death that we were all there to support him and his happiness is way more important than BMs feelings.

We all went to SS6's first grade open house and went through the same thing and luckily we knew a bunch of the other parents who are aware that BM is a total nut job, so it was kind of funny. We ignored her, as usual, and had a nice time exploring his classroom and helping him find his cubby and desk and all that.

My personal situation and involvement with my skids school lives have been established for a long time now, so I'm very comfortable with the status quo, but for other situations, I think it should probably be a case by case thing, with each family coming up with the set-up that works best for them.

I would say the golden rule should be: do what is best for the children involved. If you are an involved step-parent and spend a lot of time with your skids, pick them up from school, help with homework etc.. I think you have every right to be as involved as you want to be. Psycho BMs are typically territorial about this kind of stuff, but that's another case by case scenario. I don't care if I piss of my BM, but others may feel differently. Some step-parents want to have as little to do with their skids school lives and more power to them. To each his or her own. I don't think there is any hard and fast rule about step-parent involvement. The only thing I feel should apply across the board is that no step-parent should let a nasty bio-parent intimidate or push them out where they, their skids and their spouse want them to be.

I go. But we are custodial. And we live in different states. BM only sees the kids a couple of times a year.

When we were non-custodial, I attended all the concerts and sporting events. But I didn't feel like I needed to be at orientations or conferences.

I didn't used to go to anything. I said I didn't want to - and it was true. Who wants to go somewhere they aren't welcome by someone as important to your skids as the BM? And I used to think it was my fault that it was all so tense and horrible - that if I didn't go, everyone would be happier and that would be better for my family.

The thing is - we ended up leading separate lives under the same roof. It made me feel insecure like I was a secret never to be mentioned or shown to BM (or anyone in skids lives) in case it might upset her. So then it made me feel like my DH cared more about BMs feelings than mine. That we weren't a real family. It extended to family friends, teachers and sports contacts etc. They didn't know who I was - I was just a random strange lady (maybe a babysitter) picking up my skids. The feeling of isolation grew.

And it's aviscious circle. The more I stayed away, the more I didn't belong and the more I didn't belong, the more I stayed away. I became lonely and a stranger in my own home. The only involvement I had in skids lives was cleaner, cook, taxi service and washerwoman.

I realised I was being self centered. My family was dying because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable.

Things are changing. I am coming out of hiding. BM's reaction is not my problem and there WILL be a reaction. It's not my fault. Even if the children feel bad when I am there, I didn't do that to them. I am not helping them if their Father loses his marriage and happiness.

Going to those things is super scarey and I urge you to get support from the people here. They are GREAT! Make sure you stay close to DH (emotionally) so that before you go you are in a good frame of mind.

I say definitely go. Let us know what you decide and how you get on if you go.

Just one more thing that I try to keep in mind. I am not their Mother. They already have one and when she is there, I defer to her "Mothering" but not to her as DH's wife. It's complicated because it is sometimes hard to tell the diff. eg BM tells DH to, say, help with the bbq (which might be for the sake of the skids). That's not Mothering - that's Wifeing. Anything to do with her relationship with SKids is fine. but BACK OFF my DH lady......lol

I have a SM in my life who completely takes over and runs everything and that can lead to bad feeling. She interfered badly at one orientation and every time my daughter and I got some time together, she would come and get her to show her something. Also, DD and I have a plan for the day which she ignored and started bossing us around. I realise now she was just being enthusiastic but I didn't like her that day.

I am there to support DH and my family as a whole. I try to be supportive of skids relationship with both parents.

We had 50/50 custody so I used to show up to all school related events. I was listed as one of the skids legal guardians on the paperwork and should DH or BM not be able to pick them up in the event of illness it was nice to know the school staff. BM did not take an active roll in the skids academic careers, when SS graduated college many of his fraternity brothers did not know he had a BM! They were stunned to meet her on graduation day. Sorry to get off the point, you need to do what is best for your situation. If you are active in your skid's life don't worry about BM, go to school and ask questions that you want and need answered. Worry about what affects skid, DH and you - that's what open house nights are for. I guess if it becomes a major issue you can send the teacher an email. Good luck.