he just doesnt get it... im not selfish!!!
when i first met my boyfriend we were wonderful. i knew he had 3 children but they werent in his life til about a year and a half after we met. i thought i was ready and could handle it... but i was so jealous and resentful an i felt taken advantage of. my boyfriend didnt understand i think he was so excited to be with his kids and make up for lost time it was all them and i didnt matter at least thats how i felt. its been 3 years now that ive been a step mom and nothing has change. my boyfriend doesnt have his drivers lisense so i drive everywhere and never get thank yous for anything even if its out somewhere, picking someone up or dropping them off or bringing them home to get something. i feel unappreciated. i bought a computer for 1000 and they say im selfish bc i wont let them use it. im allowed to have something thats mine arent i? i bought a van so we can all fit in one vehicle i have 2 children of my own so there is 7 of us all together. they come every weekend. every!!! and if i want a day or weekend off its a big deal because their mom has to work and doesnt have anyone else to watch them. my boyfriend thinks that i just sit in the corner and never jump in but when i do i feel unwanted and ignored. we frequently get into arguements about it and he always ends up walking away and its just a big problem with us. he says i never do anything nice. but i do constanly wherther it giving rides, buying clothes, presents on holidays , purchasing a house with enough space for all of us... etc. i just need some advice ... im hanging by a thread. not to mention the mom hates me and says the kids come home telling her all the stuff i did that they didnt like, example, i wont let them go on my laptop, wont let them eat on the new furniture, i didnt wanna go pick someone up ( bc i was in the bath) etc... a little help please???
y wont anyone reply? im lost
y wont anyone reply? im lost and could really use some advice from people whove dealt with simular situations
I just need alittle more
I just need alittle more information? Does you DH have a job? I noticed you said that you bought a van and a house? If you are putting 100% in and he is putting in 0, then that would be a big problem for me. You will recent everything he and his children do. Let me know I would like to give my honest opnion.
he works but its carpentry
he works but its carpentry and lets just say its a little slow right now... he pays for the groceries when they come on the weekends and chips in with the bills. i of course make all the big purchases bc i have good credit and spend my money a little more wisely. but when i needed a new vehicle and a van seemed like a good purchase so we could all fit in one vehicle... and i bought a house ( under my name) bc i didnt want to live in an appt anymore... but of course i had to keep them in mind and make sure it would be a house that would be comfortable on the weekend.
y wont anyone reply? im lost
y wont anyone reply? im lost and could really use some advice from people whove dealt with simular situations
Glam-mom - if you want people
Glam-mom - if you want people to reply you have to post a blog - so copy your original post here and then go to your -my blog on the left hand side of the page and post it there - the blogs are what come up when you press on home on the upper left hand side of the page. You are in forum topics and people don't really go there.
You are in a tough situation and most stepmoms never get a thank you. We have a very thankless job. I personally would not let anyone use my computer but that is just me - I do feel you should have something that is yours.
From reading your post I would say that your bf is using you - and you are going to need to think about if this is what you want - I personally would not stick around - it seems that he wants you because you watch the kids, drive everyone around, buy clothes for the kids but he is not taking your feelings into account. And you need to tell your BF that if he wants his kids every weekend not to expect you to always be there to watch them. I would take my van and my kids and go away for the weekend.
What are you talking about
What are you talking about CAREGIVER? People reply all the time on the Forum. She only waited 20 minutes for a reply before re-posting. Things take time.
Glam-Mom things are not going to get better. Before you marry into this give some deep thought to moving on.
Nobody here has told you the dark truth yet. Step-parents are not appreciated and often catch the blame for all the problems that go with a mixed family. You want to be happy then get out of this situation and don't get into another one.
After your kids are grown you can seek a guy and to tell you the truth most others won't tell you - you're kids will be better off because you're concentrating on raising them instead of all this c... going on.
haha u say exactly what i
haha u say exactly what i think in the back of my head every day and every minute! its funny really bc i feel as tho i wrote it myself! but u do have a great point bc im sure my kids are affected when they see how upset i am over all this and hear mn boyfriend an i argue about the weekends it is tough on them im sure. thanks and im still getting used to this blogging/forum thing! but thanks for the advice!
i try standing up for
i try standing up for myself... i try to let him know how i feel but hes so obcessed with, imagine how they feel and blah blah blah yeah its tough but since ive started to resent everyone for taking advantage of me its hard to imagine how they feel bc truthfully, i really dont care anymore. i know it sounds horrible. but noones really given me a reason to care. noone cares about me. but ur right. i am gonna stop doing those nice things. like today i came up with an idea and plans and they turned me down it was like a stab in the heart. y should i waste my time and energy based on someone elses convenience? pretty much...
well when we first met we
well when we first met we were into drugs pretty bad and im 4 years sober and him about 3 and a half but they were put into foster care so bc of all that he has alot of abandonment issues i think... its seriously rough. they dont listen to my rules. the oldest daughter is 12 and he just lets her come and go as she pleases the youngest boy who is 9 is cocky and mean to my aughter who is 5 he even refuses to sit next to her at the dinner table. now dont get me wrong i have never watched them alone he is always here when they are ive made it perfectly clear that they are not my responsibility. but still... we even went to counseling and agreed that we will get every third weeken off and turns out he never talked to the bm about it. i thought that i was being more than fair bc i originally wanted every other weekend and his excuse is that his kids like coming over and it is just easier to let them instead of explaining to them y they cant come... he caters to them from dishing up their dinners to staying up with them watching movies til they fall asleep and leaves the tv on for a nightlight after ive told him that i wont let my kids sleep with the tv on why should ur kids get all these special priveledges and he says well they can do it at there house whats the big deal ur so inconsiderate and selfish... ugh i know its not a good relationship but it was awesome and perfect the first year and a half up until they came into the picture!
I think you need to stop
I think you need to stop worrying about what bm thinks (or really anyone for that matter). I know, easier said then done. But you do not have to allow the kids to use your laptop, eat on your furniture, etc and if anyone tells you different tell them to mind their own business. As far as noone being appreciative-I think men just have problems with this-they just ASSume that we sm's are going to come in and take over that mother role. And many assume that this comes naturally to us ladies to mother everyone. They don't get it. So explain it to him. Very simply and honestly. Exactly what you need so there is no confusion. That it is important to you to have some thank you's, some time off, etc. These things are not wrong to expect from others. Teach people how you want to be treated.
ive never thought of it that
ive never thought of it that way... maybe he did expect me to be this perfect image of a mom to them an when i wasnt quite what he expected he got all defensive... and lets keep in mind i just turned 24!!! im a little young fo all this!!
its so hard trying to
its so hard trying to convince someone of something when they r like 100 percent blind to the world! haha i just joined this and im so glad i did thanks guys for all the feedback! its nice to be able to vent and actually have someone there to understand! it actually brings tears to my eyes that everyone whos posted something on here agrees with me! thanks again! and if i could send him ur way i would and i keep bringing all this up well i do this and i do that but its like nothing is ever good enough!!!
You needed to disengage but
You needed to disengage but they will not like it after 3 years. They will be shocked and pissed! Glam Mom as long as you want to please DH & skids instead of a balance of vice versa, they will expect you to perform like a circus animal on clue.
And no you are not too young
And no you are not too young for this. You are wiser than your years to realize what's going on & what should be going on.
I understand your plight. I
I understand your plight. I feel like a door mat most times too. My husband takes my contribution for granted sometimes and the kids think I don't contribute or even try to get to know them.
It sounds like your the main breadwinner in the family as well. You get crap about spending on yourself and get no credit when you make the big purchases/sacrifices for everybody, yet when he makes a financial contribution he expects acknowledge like he did something wonderful. And of course the step kids totally thinks your stingy.
There is no win to this, either you step up and stop being a door mat and do stuff automatically or you hang your head a continue to live a thankless life. Stand up for yourself and don't allow anybody to treat you that way! I had enough too! So speak up and don't ever forget yourself! No man is worth it!
Glam-mom, first of all,
Glam-mom, first of all, congrats on your clean time - that is truly something to be proud of! I can remember all too well how challenging those early years in recovery were. The very fact that you've been able to turn your life around and purchase a home tells me that you deserve a tremendous amount of credit. From the sounds of it, if it weren't for you, your BF would not even be able to have time with his children at all, so it really sounds like he needs a bit of an attitude adjustment.
Unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable - your BF needs to man up and become a parent - those kids do not need to be up half the night watching TV (and no it doesn't matter if their mom lets them do that), they don't need to be making messes of your furniture and they really have no need to be on your computer.
When I was married to my ex, my position was very similar to yours - I had a daughter of my own from a prior marriage, I had bought a house on my own and was the major bread-winner, and he never wanted to set any rules for his two kids, because he felt that he didn't have much time to be with them and wanted them to enjoy being with him. Yep, he was a classic Disney Dad. Once in a while, he would realize that the kids' behavior, mostly his daughter's, was getting out of control and then he would start making them follow the house rules, but he always made me out to be the bad guy. At first, that really bothered me, but I decided that I didn't care if they liked me or not as long as the chaos subsided. After awhile, his kids began to realize that the rules were in place to make it easier for everyone and that privileges were earned through cooperation not by throwing tantrums.
With five kids underfoot on weekends, there have to be some basic guidelines for behavior and you have an absolute right to set the rules in your own home. If your BF wants those kids to grow up with even a shred of respect for him, he needs to sit down with you and hammer out some expectations of behavior for everyone and be willing to follow through.