Do we REALLY want to try?
Issues with my ss (12) have been hard for quite some time-in the past 3 years since he moved out it has been really bad. It was difficult when he lived here as well, but I did at least get some positive reinforcement from dh on occassion and even from ss as well. Now there is nothing positive-at least regarding ss. I have tried many different things over the years (way before he even moved out) in terms of parenting, stepparenting-read all kinds of books, made charts, blah, blah, blah. Really feel like I gave a 110 per cent to make it work. I dont give that much now as it feels pointless-Maybe I put about 25 per cent effort into having a relationship with my ss-he puts in maybe 5 per cent. On very rare occasions (when his dad gets on him enough) he will speak to me as if he thinks I am a normal person (maybe once every 6 months or so)-but anyway he did this about a month ago. We had a 20 minute talk which my dd was also present that was pleasant and normal. Then the next day-he didn't have much to say to me specifically but we did some family things and he did not treat me like a leper so all good. Of course, things fizzled by the end of the weekend-BUT here's my long drawn out point. I am not sure, at this point, that I do even want to have a relationship with this kid. When he occassionally makes some sort of effort I truly do not believe it is genuine in any way shape or form-It shocks me a little that I feel this way.
I've always wanted a happy family-if ss can't stand me and I dont like him how is this even possible? But I find I dont even want his attempts (as I think they are false) to have a relationship. However, I do wonder if he truly was consistently interested in having a relatiosnhip with me if I would even be able to do it. Am I crazy? Does anyone else feel this way?
I wrote this a long time ago
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
"Then I stopped investing
"Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions."
I LOVE your comment(s)!!!!! Just a few weeks ago I did this with the ADULT SS/SD. As they don't live with us, and only visit/agitate me a few times a month, I don't think they've gotten the full grasp of this concept, yet. But, the holidays are coming! No more running around, spending MY money on gifts to please them that I wouldn't get for my own adult child! For that matter, EVERYTHING during the entire year has pretty much stopped. They do not have any desire to work, and actually told me they were ENTITLED to live off of the taxpayers!!!!! (I thought I'd come un-glued right then and there!). So, as you say, they can reap what they sow. As far as their father, it's his mess, he raised them, he can fix it, or live with it!
I love this too. I as well
I love this too.
I as well in the beginning tried. I tried stepping in, I tried to entertain, to make sure things were enforced, cleaned up, etc etc.
Now, I just don't. That's it just don't do. I'm done doing. If I wanted to put all my time and energy into a child on my weekends, I would have had one of my own by now...no thanks not playing that game!
Ok- i feel like I have backed
Ok- i feel like I have backed off as far as I can back off. I dont comment about his grades, I dont give him permission or deny him permission to do anything, but here recently I've had enough of certain issues. The urination at night is a really hard thing for me to ignore. It smells, its ruining our furniture and carpet in what is MY home (in my name alone)-its hard to separate from that. Since he is only here eow-and dh is only here on the weekends-guess what-if ss hides his urinated on laundry somewhere and its not found by sunday evening-guess who has to do the laundry of suffer with a nasty smell in the house? So some things I just feel like I cant back off on, ya know? I've disengaged until if I disengaged any further i'd be in a different country-it seemed to have no impact on ss-in fact just the opposite seemed to occur. I was useless to him. I didnt give him rides, or buy him things, or help him with his schoolwork so I was essentially nobody to him and that is how he treats me.
No physical problem has been
No physical problem has been found. He did have a year at age 4-5 when he stayed dry overnight-so it is not a result of an immature or small bladder. Is he doing it "on purpose"? No, I dont really think he plans it out-i just dont think he gives a shit (or rather a piss). He has in his head that he has no control over his bladder and that he can't help so why bother to try? Why bother to limit fluids, caffiene, go to the bathroom before bed, set an alarm at night? Because he CAN'T HELP IT! The kid is in 7th grade and often wets himself twice in one night. In fact, I question whether he urinates during the day at all because he produces a tremendous amount of urine at night. Last time he was here he wore a pull up-which he completely soaked thru, soaked thru his shorts, completely drenched his blanket and left an actual puddle of urine on his plastic sheet. I dont even get how that is possible.