Newbie... can I skip family events because I dislike my wife's step son
Ok.. new to this forum.. have gone to counseling so I am trying this angle. My step son and I do not get along... never have. I believe in more discipline.. him mom and grand parents not so much. His dad is not that involved and I am nothing like his dad. His dad is an underachiever and the reality is for him to like me he has to dislike what his dad has become. To be clear.. I am okay with that. Recently step son took a bat in our house (not the only negative thing he has done lately).... busted up a few things as he was frustrated with his dad.... not being involved and being, quite frankly.. a loser.. although I do not tell my step son this fact.. that his dad is a loser. I was a bit mad about my house...... the family thought the best thing would be from step son to move in with grand parents.... I am still waiting for an apology... probably won't get it soon. I have been told that they didnt want to make step son do anything he really didn't want to do.... as the apology wouldnt be sincere....I told them that I thought an apology was necessary and I didnt care too much that he didnt want to perform that function.... needless to say my opinion does not carry too much weight within the family.. and by family I mean my wife's side of the family....
The issue at hand is I am not interested in going to family events that he is involved in. I find it hypocritical to make nice with him when in fact i dont really care. Since i am not involved with any other aspect of his life, i do not feel that i should be involved in celebration acts of his life as well.. birthdays etc... this upsets my wife and her family as they would love to see me.. and vice versa... but I am having a hard time internalizing being around him and enjoying myself. At this point of my life I would prefer to not have any contact with him... since I dont really have any contact with him anyway. However, the family thinks I should be the mature one and enjoy all the other people at the family events.. and not let one person ruin it for everyone. As i said before... it's much easier for me to not attend as I feel I am lying because the rest of the family cares about him.. they have more history.... I entered his life in his early teens so all I have got is the attitude and disrespect.
Love to hear your thoughts on this ....
I guess my point is... he is
I guess my point is... he is there as well. Her family includes him as he is her son.... the grand son.... the nephew.... I would prefer not to attend anything that he is involved in... which unfortunately is all family functions. It's a little bit hard to separate the two as any contact with him annoys me. Also, remember that I do not have anything to do with the upbringing of this young man.... When he has wronged me in the past... the family gets together.... discusses... and then I guess they talk to him. Not only am i not involved in the discussion... there is no communication regarding any actions. Example... He brings home F's in high school... the old way would find him grounded or have his car/phone/computer taken away as a reflection of his unacceptable grades... I have no idea what happens now when he brings home an F...but I can say they I know F's exist.. and i also know that he's not been grounded for them. I can not support that kind of behavior....from him or those people whom are raising him. So... I feel that when I go to family events... especially events for him.. that I am supporting him.... and since I don't have anything to do with him..... I don't feel like I need to support him... hope this makes sense.
wow.. this is good stuff.....
wow.. this is good stuff..... I am actually printing it out for me....
"You should love YOUR WIFE more than you hate your SS."
thank you
you know what I dont' blame
you know what I dont' blame you for feeling the way you do at all. It is bull-just because he has problems because his dad is a loser of a father does not give him an excuse to behave in that manner. i am speaking from experience, he will contunie to act this way and by his mom just moving him to grandparents just tell him he can do whatever he wants and he will just get to go somewhere else where this behavior is allowed if one parent doesnt agree with him, he obv. need to have couseling one and two he needs to knwo he ca nnot dis respect YOU like that ever! i would never go around him either if tht is the way he acted infact and what about your wife she needs to have control of her son!
Some day, this kid will
Some day, this kid will become an adult. Eventually, his grandparents won't be able to care for him. And, unfortunatley, IF he gets himself into big trouble (because he's never had to be responsible for his own actions), no one will be able to protect him.
This is so sad. This young
This is so sad. This young man is suffering because his DF has let him down. Is there any way possible that in a very gentle way, you could try not to PARENT him, but try to be there for him as a friend?
If you could be a friend.... without playing the parental role, he may gain respect for you, and then you could guide him into a better path than his father led.
This young man is full of emotion and very angry. When you speak to him, be quiet and gentle and tell him you are sorry he is so unhappy. But, though, he is unhappy, he must not destroy things. Let him know that you may have made some mistakes with him in the past.... but that you would like to start over, and try to get to know each other again. That you do not want to replace his FATHER. That you do care about him and his life, and really just want a good life for him, and that you believe you can help him really get a good start if he would allow you to. If he does not want help, then say that is fine, can we just be friends?
If he says yes... leave it at that. No long lecture. That is the first step. Immediately, try to find something you can go do together. Fishing, hunting, golf, something outdoors. Just you two. Avoid all talk about the FATHER. OR behaviors. This is about bonding only.
Then back off a bit... Make sure that at least once a day, you address him, and ask him "how you doing?"...... Ask about his friends by name....ask for his help for something.... Say..."Would you mind doing me a favor?.....and give him a small chore....very small.... and then THANK HIM for it when he completes it. Try to make very small conversation. He needs someone to talk to.
Take it very slowly, but be sure you are doing this at least once every single day. Eventually, you will be rely on him for bigger contributions to the family, etc... but right now... it sounds like he is barely coping.
And yes... you MUST attend the family functions. Being absent will only make things worse and turn the rest of the family against you for it.
Good Luck.
this is a wonderful idea that
this is a wonderful idea that I am not sure I can perform. He does not live with us..... so there is very little interaction between us..... it only happens at family events and let's be honest... there isnt a lot of coversation going on between us.... we don't really care for each other. He thinks I am a over achieving money hungry a-hole.... and I think he's a lazy, underachieving disrepectful punk... that vandalized my home... and never apologized. It's a bit hard for me to be his friend... I tried being a parent.... friend.... he was disrepectful and pushed buttons that ultimately led him to live with his grandparents. And I am good with the rest of the family supporting him.... it's just that I dont want to..... and I'm trying to care about the family turning against me.... but i guess it's a matter of the challenges of supporting my decision not to be involved (which they assist in) versus them supporting him. It's a bit difficult to have both. Good stuff though... I will re-read after lunch... see if some of that good advice seeps it's way in a bit.
Good stuff.. just to be
Good stuff.. just to be clear... in the past say four years ago.... I attempted to entertain him and his friends.... take him to those events... have friends spend the night.... pizza... whatever... He got worse over time..... as most teenagers do... the analysis came up by talking with him.... I was around yet his dad wasn't.... probably didnt like me for that... I however, can not change that. I did not "lose interest" until his disrespectfulness and destruction became unacceptable (about 18 months ago). So... I disagree with my judging him... I came into the picture trying to steer him a bit through grades and respecting his mother. That basically was it. The judging, as you say, didn't start until he starting verbal disrespect and doing those things that we told/asked him not to do. Being grounded for bad grades then sneaking out of the house would be an example.
I am old school.... military father.... way too strict. However, when you wrong someone... you apologize... face to face. That's it.... it's not that complicated to me. So.. rather then get more upset.... I have chosen to not be involved. This way there can't be any altercations..... between us. I am angry that he is not accountable for his actions... and doesnt care... but I also know that I am not his dad.... or parent. I am just the guy whom married his mother... and the reason I am here is I am a long way from caring about his guidance. At one of our talks he stated that me and his mom were self absorbed... money hungry.. and worked too hard. We told him that we were trying to teach him that some things take hard work and things won't simply be given to you. He stated that if given the choice.. he would rather live as a pauper like his dad versus work hard and have nicer things in life... including quitting high school because he didn't see the value of an education. It's a bit difficult to "force" a child to embrace educatoin when he really doesnt give a darn. And just so you know.. his dad is uninvolved.... he does not always call on his birthday or christmas.... and I am tired of taking his crap to care about his birthday or christmas. but... some of the things you said make sense.... and I appreciate you taking the time to write. I think that some of these ideas will help me... maybe not today.... but someday.
I think you should do what
I think you should do what you are comfortable with. I skipped my dh's family events for several years and am just now feeling comfortable again-because of all the chaos with my ss. He told my inlaws that I was mean to him to the point of abuse and they essentially believed him, coddled him, and ultimately encouraged these lies by the sympathy they gave them.
Obviously a different situation, but your inlaws are obviously encouraging your ss's bad behavior toward you and your home by not giving him consequences and giving him an "out". Your ss is not dealing with anything by running away from it.
I can understand you not wanting to celebrate his "special" moments-I didnt see how old he is, but he's obviously not 5. I am sure he is aware that destroying property with a baseball bat is not appropriate. Maybe some day your ss will grow up and thank you for setting appropriate standards of behavior. I would make sure he knew why you are not attending (even if he says he doesnt care I would tell him anyway). And I would let your wife know-that you expect more from this kid and you know that he can deliver it.
I totally agree with
I totally agree with hismineandours, i have almost exactly the same situation, and have now told my s/o I will not be attending any family events in the future. My s/o totally supports me, the family problems involved are not mine.
I have my own family and my friends, who like me and want to be around me. I don't need to be putting myself in a situation where a badly behaved child is being encouraged to misbehave. He is not your child or responsibility, which has obviously being said or pointed out to you. Leave him to learn how to behave or not, take care of yourself, and tell your wife you love her but will not be going to family events where you don't want to be.
Why put yourself in a position of being somewhere you are not comfortable? In a few years time you can revisit the decision.
Agree completely. It would
Agree completely. It would be wonderful if we all blended like the Brady Bunch. But, in reality it doesn't always happen. When I finally disengaged from DH's family, my life got so much easier! I now spend the weekends with my family and friends. We enjoy each other's company and I know they like me and expect nothing of me other than friendship! I am actually looking forward to the upcoming holidays for the first time in a long time. I will be with MY famly and friends - eating, laughing, and watching football! No regrets!!!!
wow.got ur hand full. i think
wow.got ur hand full. i think that you should def stand up for your self always.N u not attending these events only shows him that he is in control. Which should be the other way around..no offense seems like bio mom lacks.I myself growing had both loser parents who couldnt take care of themselves.Much less me.Dont be apart of the pity party for ss.The best thing my aunt..who raised me was to be hard on me.N never ever take s***.from me.be in control be the adult.IN pray bio mom will do something to help him conduct his felling in a proper manner..before he or anyone else gets hurt.Attend these events.Espically if the family likes u in wants u there.N man to man maybe the 2 of u need to come to an understanding.How old is this guy..n can u talk to him/?
I agree with the fact that
I agree with the fact that you need to love your wife more than you hate your SS, but what is your wife doing? She needs to love her own son enough to teach him the difference between right and wrong and show her son that there are consequences to his actions. Does your wife love you enough to respect your feelings towards the situation? I feel like your wife is doing you a serious injustice here. She needs to step up to the plate and take care of and teach her son. Maybe her son is acting out to get HER attention. To get HER to care enough about him to lay down the rules and validate to him that he might not have a father who gives a damn, but at least he still has a mother that does. I don't think you are going to be able to lead a one man army and turn this kid around. Your wife needs to stand behind you and have a united front with you.
I agree with frustrated wife!
I agree with frustrated wife! everything she said!!!
Thank Purple
Thank Purple