Fed Up

Forums:

Hi. I haven't posted on here in a looooooong time. Like over a year or maybe even more! I'm super ticked off right now and feeling the need to vent, so here goes:

background: SD is 13 and lives with me and DH full time. Also I have a BD, age 2.

My DH started a new job Monday. He used to be home evenings to deal with whatever issues might arise with my stepdaughter, but now he won't be getting home until 9 or 10 p.m. every night.

So.....Last night, at about 9:30, SD informed me that I needed to sign her science test because she got a 51%. She gave me the test and there was a note from the teacher attached saying she needed to correct all the answers and hand it back in, signed, today (Wednesday). She hadn't corrected anything yet, so I told her I would sign it after she corrected.

Anyway, SD was annoyed about this, but took the paper back and went downstairs. But then I start hearing the "ping ping" of instant messaging on Facebook. So I went downstairs into the office and said: no more facebook, no more phone until those answer are corrected. And I took her phone.

Well, she just lost it. She started yelling and screaming at me "YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY PHONE. GIVE IT BACK TO ME NOW. JESS, GIVE ME MY F@!$(#*( PHONE!" Then she grabbed MY phone off the counter and said, "FINE YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES, YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR PHONE UNTIL I HAVE MINE BACK." I said "SD, you can physically have your phone back, but I'm turning it off until that science test is done." (We can turn her phone on and off on AT&T's website). I turned it off and gave it to her. She swore at me some more and said "IF YOU DON'T TURN MY PHONE ON RIGHT NOW, I'M BREAKING YOURS." I said go ahead and went into my bedroom. She went downstairs into the office and locked the door behind her.

She refused to come out and had my phone for HOURS. I just pretended I didn't care that she had it, because I don't want to give her the satisfaction. But now that I have it back, I see this text message that she sent to my DH:

"If you want your wife to have her phone back then I advise you to turn my phone on, if she ever wants to see her phone again that is. I've changed all my passwords to everything so don't try to get on it (she's talking about facebook and email here) and if you want things to change, turn my phone on. nice talking to you, hope things don't have to stay like this. bye."

Then this morning she missed the bus. She refused to take a ride to school with me. She walked 3 miles instead. I even pulled up next to her on my way to work, when she was only half way there, and she wouldn't get in. So she was about an hour late to school.

I feel like she's testing me here. This was day 2 of me being "in charge" at night. She's such a little PITA. I'm trying to figure out what the consequence of her behavior last night should be. My initial reaction was take away phone and facebook for a week. My co-worker thinks that's too lenient and think SD should lose her phone until Jan. 1 at which point we can reassess whether her behavior has improved enough to get it back.

Thoughts on what the consequence should be? Thoughts on how I might have handled things differently? I'm at a loss with this kid.

All suggestions welcome.

I'm leaning towards agreeing

I'm leaning towards agreeing with your co-worker on the phone issue. I get being mad and upset but that was way out drama. Also what steps is your husband going to take to reiterate to the child that you are in charge and that her behavior was unacceptable?
She lives with you and it's your rules - treat her exactly how you would treat your own daughter if that happened. I think most of it is just the usually teenage girl drama.

i think a week is good, but

i think a week is good, but only if she apologizes (i would want a hand written letter in addition to the verbal apology) AND starts treating you with respect when dh is away.

and once you give the phone back, tell her another incident like that one and the phone is GONE for good until she can afford her own.

StepAside: How would I get my

StepAside: How would I get my phone back from her? Break down the door? even if I did that, i would have to get physical with her to get it back from her. She WOULD push it to that point (and has in the past). We have been investigated by Dept of Children and Families once because of an outburst where she came after me physically. I suppose I could have called the police. That's what my DH thinks I should have done.

DH is not soft on her. Like I said, he wanted me to call the police on her. Even this morning, when she left the house after I told her to wait for me to give her a ride, he thought I should've called the police. I kind of feel like the police probably have bigger things to deal with than some snotty little brat like SD. But maybe next time that's what I'll do.

We do have all the passwords again now and Facebook acct is deactivated for now.

Krisnkids, I understand what you're saying, which was why I initially went with one week. A week doesn't seem like that long to us, but to 13 year old girls it seems like FOREVER. But it seems the majority of people think one week isn't enough. I have to decide before I leave work tonight. All she was told last night was that there would be a severe consequence and I would talk to her about it tomorrow. I like to get a level head before I dole out punishment, which is why I didn't give her one at the moment.

OMG is that a true story!! I

OMG is that a true story!! I cannot believe that she did that to you... Sorry

I would have her say goodbye to the phone for good. I have a SD13 - and three bK D11, S9, S4 - well they both had a bad attitude ONE night and we took both the phones back - five months ago. I couldn't imagine what would have happened to them if they acted like like. We might have taken the door off; they love that!! Good lord. What did DH do; sorry if I missed it.

sidenote** may sound mean but you should've just drove by and honked - if she doesn't respect you then she doesn't deserve you either.
Everything is easier said then done; because I am at my wits end with my SD!!! AHAHAAHA

good luck

I see what your saying

I see what your saying StepAside, but I also think that what SD wants is for things to escalate. My view on it is, if I bang the door down and get into it with her, I'm letting her control my emotions. I'd rather have her think her atrocious behavior is not going to effect the way I behave. I feel like that's the best way to show her she doesn't have control over me.

I like the idea of earning back privileges. I think she needs to lose everything (FB, phone, etc) for a while, and then as of some certain date she can start earning things back.

thanks.

I see what your saying

I like the idea of earning back privileges. I think she needs to lose everything (FB, phone, etc) for a while, and then as of some certain date she can start earning things back.

thanks.

I see what your saying

I like the idea of earning back privileges. I think she needs to lose everything (FB, phone, etc) for a while, and then as of some certain date she can start earning things back.

thanks.

Exactly, Jess. She's trying

Exactly, Jess. She's trying to get a reaction out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction! She wants to have a big screaming/crying fight with you. You handled it perfectly. I would give her two weeks of no phone or computer. At the end of those two weeks, her behavior needs to have improved (treatment of you, as well as her schoolwork). Another two weeks if things haven't improved.

I don't know why my reply

I don't know why my reply posted three times!!! Sorry! :?

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