What Do We Do?
This is my first post and I feel so lost. I have been married to a man who has two boys aged 11 and 10 for just a year. We have them three days one week and four the next with alternating weekends. From the very beginning the kids disliked me. It started with carving my name in the foot of our expensive bed and melting my toothbrush. It moved to them going to their BM's house and lying about things I had said to them, about their mother, and about her family (which I know none of them). It has gotten progressively worse. They now cry and beg not to come here every time they are supposed to be here. Their BM encourages this behavior and joins in the harassing of my DH with text messages and phone calls letting him know they need to be with her because they are "miserable" here. I have never yelled at, called names, or tried to discipline these children. When asked why they don't want to be here, the eldest (who is responsible for the above destructive behavior) responded with, "I'm scared of her." What the hell? I have gone out of my way to make this a loving environment. I took the entire family to the beach (their first time) this summer. The eldest wants to know, "What has she done for us lately?" when asked how he can not like me when I do such nice things for them. The BM calls or texts nearly every day and it ends up causing discord between my DH and myself. I am at my wits end. We started marriage counseling yesterday in hopes of saving this marriage. Any advice would be helpful.
We tried getting her to agree
We tried getting her to agree to counseling for the boys but thinks they don't need it. He is inconsistent with backing me up and with rules and consequences. I have seen him defend me a few times but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He has also tried to tell them what is acceptable and not acceptable - again, they could care less. I love him very much and we used to be best friends. Unfortunately, all this shit seems to keep building up and putting us at constant odds. For example:
Last night was our turn with the boys. It would have been the last night for them to stay with us until it was BM's weekend. They started sending text messages at 3:00 pm begging to stay at their BM's house because "they missed her." He told them no repeatedly and finally picked them up after school. They proceeded to pout in the whole hour we had them. I'm pretty sure the eldest was texting his mother while in the car. She calls my DH and tells him he is bi-polar and threatened to take him to court for full custody because "their kids deserved better than that." It was way out of left field. She shows up at our house before we even get home and ends up taking them home with her. My DH feels terrible and rejected by his own children. I don't know what to do. I have to admit, I enjoy the peace when it is just us and turn into a completely different person when it is time for them to come. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It sucks.
Tskarbow, you are 100% right
Tskarbow, you are 100% right on. Great advice in all areas. I am sorry for those of us who find ourselves in this situation, but being proactive and strong in the face of a ridiculous bm and guilty daddy for a partner is the way I have made it work for me.
Happy Friday! I hope the weekend gets better for you!
Thank you for the
Thank you for the suggestions! I have tried keeping myself out of the situation and then I am accused by DH of not caring and making the kids feel bad - that I don't like them. I will see what I can do about getting him to agree to any of the above.
Wow, you are in a tough
Wow, you are in a tough situation.
I recommend that you take proactive and absolute control of the situation. Do not allow BM or the SKids to interfere in YOUR marriage or manipulate YOUR home life.
Make sure your DH has a Court Order for his visitation and hold HIM accountable for ensuring that BM and the Skids follow the CO to the letter. If they don't .... have DH drag BM to court for contempt and for failing to abide by the CO.
Do not let him use the phrase "if I give her/them what she/they want they will let me ....." No she won't. They almost never do.
Record, record, record ..... keep a telephone log or every conversation, e-mail (Print them), voice mail, FB post (print them), etc.... that you or DH have with BM and the Skids and document everything that the Skids say about BM and what goes on in her home. If it is legal in your state, record the telephone calls on tape. If DH has to go to court these will be invaluable tools for beating BM in to submission.
Any time BM steps out of line have the CO rolled up tightly and have DH smack the shit out of her with it (figuratively of course). Eventually even incredibly manipulative or stupid Xs will get the hint and do what they are told when they are told to do it. The key is to make their behavior more painful to them that it is to you. A key to this is adopt the "I don't give a shit about the X" perspective and more importantly to learn to enjoy barring her idiot ass every chance she gives yo.
And .... never, never, never give in to anything that BM requests that is not specifically stipulated in the CO.
Visitation with his kids is your DHs right and not up to BM or the Skids. When it is his time, BM and the Skids do what HE tells them to do and if they refuse BM should immediately be served with notification of contempt charges for violating the CO. Even if the Skids do say they don't want to visit if they do not arrive for visitation ..... BM gets a contempt charge filed. It is not up to the Skids on whether they visit their dad or not.
I have been the Custodial StepDad to my SS-18 since he was 1yo. It took a while but eventually my wife and I learned that the only way to manage the SpermClan was to hold them to the CO and to never give them anything extra that they asked for. If we gave an inch they pushed for more and more and never once granted a request that we had. For the past ~10yrs or so "That is not our problem" was our answer every time the SpermClan called. Conversely we also learned that we never let them off the hook if they violated the CO. If the Skid was not returned when he was supposed to be returned from visitation .... we took the SpermIdiot to court even if the SpermIdiot had nothing to do with the Skid being late to return home. Usually SpermGrandMa was the one who would conveniently forget to take the kid the airport or conveniently miss remember what the CO said.
No mercy and no quarter .... EVER. Believe it or not this really is the best way to be happy as a Sparent in a blended family.
All IMHO of course.
Welcome by the way. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.
Best regards,
Thank you, Rags. I truly
Thank you, Rags. I truly appreciate your input and welcoming me to this forum. I already feel better since having the ability to vent without judgment.
Welcome completely lost! I
Welcome completely lost!
I agree with everything Rags said above!!! He is SPOT ON!!
Your DH should not be allowing the kids to make ADULT DECISIONS about their visitation time with their father - bottom line. The BM also should not be given any power with regard to his visitation time - it is his LEGAL RIGHT (assuming they have a CO in place) to have his kids WITH HIM. BM seems to know that she can "guilt" him into giving up his time with his children - he has to STOP this immediately!!
I hope you find this site as much of a Godsend that I did when I first found it about 1 year ago (and I still do). It has not only saved my relationship with my FDH (we just recently got engaged as a matter of fact!) but it has also saved my sanity!! There are many wonderful people here that give excellent advice and support. I only wish I had known about StepTalk a lot sooner...I'd have saved myself a lot of stress, frustration and aggravation over the years.