My SS smoking pot in our house
My SS (18) is a senior in HS and lives part-time with my DH and I and part-time with his BM and her boyfriend.
For months, we have been aware that he is smoking pot. I thought my DH and I were on the same page about this and that we will not tolerate it in our house. We have an 8 year old daughter together and I have to think of her well-being.
First off, my DH will not discipline my SS when I am around. We have been together for 12 years/married for 10 and I am expected to be a mom to him but when it comes to talking to him together or co-parenting my DH can't and won't do it. He pretty much admitted that to me recently. I have to "beg" him to tell me what he and SS talked about and what was concluded so that I am in the loop...afterall it is my house too.
A few days before Thanksgiving, I came home and smelled pot in our basement (where SS room is) and I confronted SS on it and he lied/ played dumb. I told him that I am not stupid and that he needs to respect us and our house. I thought it sunk in but not even a week later I am home with my BD, who is sick. My SS comes strolling in with a friend saying they "came home for lunch". They went into his room, shut the door and left within 10 minutes. I went into his room and it smelled like pot. I called my DH at work and told him and talked to him about consequences (see, my SS has not had a punishment or consequence since he was about 15) and my DH said that he'll tell him he can't live here anymore. (Which I never will believe it until I see it - DH puts SS up on a pedistool so high and defends him to no end that I can never see him doing anything like kicking him out). Anyway, my DH called me back and said SS swore they didn't smoke it and it was in his friends pocket and his friend took it out and the smell must have lingered. OMG, my DH bought it. He said he told him NO pot in the house.
SO fast forward to last night. MY SS's BM was at our house and snooped in his room and found a bag of weed. Yes, that is a whole other story and I have already told her to NEVER do that again. She was never come into my house and do that. She eventually apologized to me and said it wouldn't happen again. But right after it happened DH started yelling at me and told me she "was never allowed in our house again". I told him to tell her and I was tired of being in the middle of their drama. Back to the pot thing, I got into a HUGE fight with my DH and he told me he never told SS to not store pot in our house, he said he told him "not to smoke it in our house". I said I do not want it in my house and my DH's response was: "Then where is supposed to keep it?" REALLY????? Since when is it our job to ensure SS has a place to stash his weed? I am open minded and liberal and used to smoke pot when I was younger. And when my parents found it they flushed it and grounded me. Isn't that what is supposed to happen? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do!?! I am not naive and am well aware that he is smoking but we don't have to make it any easier for him. And...we have an 8 year old who could of been the one to find the pot. (Which really wasn't even "hidden" it was sitting in a drawer in a table in his room - that tells me a lot about the amount of respect he has for us and his little sister) We have child's best interest and welfare to consider. My DH puts his BS before anyone including our BD and our marriage. I am sooooo sick of it and after 12 years feel like it's as bad as it was in the beginning.
MY DH even told me last night that "BM and I are doing a shitty job with SS" and that he is the one dealing with the kid everyday. To me, allowing SS to store pot in our house is not good parenting. Never disciplining him, not teaching him manners or to consider other people and think past himself is what has been happening. My hands are tied and I haven't been allowed to parent him but when the Sh*t hits the fan I am to blame.
Please, if anyone has any advice for me I will listen. I haven't slept and am thinking a little irrationally but have been considering calling a friend of mine who has a spare room for me and my BD.
I would tell SS and DH that
I would tell SS and DH that the next time you smell anything funny that you're going to call the police. This has the potential to turn out very badly for you. Some ugly person (BM?) could anonymously call CPS and tell them that you allow SS to smoke pot in the home. I'm sure CPS would be pretty skeptical about allowing you to keep an 8-year old in that kind of environment. Maybe nothing could be proved. But maybe it could. And I'm no prude either. I went to LSU for God's sake. But you don't have that stuff in your home when there's kids.
I should mention that my DH
I should mention that my DH smokes pot too. He has NEVER done it in front of the kids and I don't think my SS knows. So that complicates the whole calling the cops thing. My DH has never smoked in our house and hides it well. He doesn't do it everyday but he still partakes. I haven't ever really minded it until now. I do now because of the way he is reaacting to what is happening with SS and thinks it is ok for SS to stash his stuff here. He even told SS last summer to hide it from his mom because she is a snooper and that he was being stupid by leaving it at her house. My DH hates his ex (for good reason) but again I don't think it is good parenting to give his son pointers on where and how to hide his weed and how to hide it from his mom no less. I don't know what to do...I have tolerated my DH's "habit" for over a decade now and I feel like a hypocrit since I am against SS having it here. BUT, this is MY HOUSE, I am the adult here, I pay the mortgage and I have a say in what is in my house. If SS wants to put on his big boy pants and move out, pay rent he can do whatever he wants then but while he's living under my roof he has to follow my rules. Unfortunately, my DH and I have very different views on the rules and it is tearing our marriage apart.
I am not against marijuana
I am not against marijuana per se. However, the fact is it is illegal. I am sure you wouldnt want your ss doing anything else illegal in your home (or your dh for that matter). Perhaps you've been able to overlook your dh's habit because he doesnt bring into your home and makes good decisions about that-your ss does not have that capability obviously and has made it clear that he cannot keep his word about bringing it into your home. If he is bold enough to shut his door and smoke it while you are there-what might stop him in a few years from offering your child some? And I would have a huge problem with the things your dh is telling your ss-he is encouraging him to smoke pot by acting like it is ok-he is sending the seal of approval and in some ways your ss cannot even make his own judgments because your dh condones it. Is that what he plans on doing with your 8 year old? These are issues that need to be addressed ASAP. Quite frankly I would tell dh that if you ever find it again, smell it again, you WILL call the cops. And then actually call the cops. Once he faces some legal consequences perhaps he will realize the downside to smoking pot and he will be able to make a more informed decision on his use. At 18 I feel like he is able to make a decision; however he must be willing to pony up and accept any potential consequences of his use.
I would never allow that in
I would never allow that in my home. From my own kids or my DH's. I'd call the cops in a heartbeat.
I think you are fighting a
I think you are fighting a losing battle. The key thing is, your DH won't back you up. He does it himself so he really doesn't think it's a problem. I really doubt the cops are going to come and arrest SS for smoking in the house unless your state is one of the few still making a big deal out of personal possession. They have more important things to do. I think you and DH need to be on the same page or you will be fighting this every day and still losing. And you will be the one sick over it. If you report him to the police are you prepared for the fallout in your marriage? That is a very hostile act and would you do it to your own son? Posters, ask yourselves that. The key thing here is power and SS is not respecting yours to make decisions about your home.
If your DD is home when they are smoking, march downstairs and tell them to get the hell out. Otherwise, count the days until graduation.
LizzieA - spot on
LizzieA - spot on perspective!
Keep in mind, that if the
Keep in mind, that if the police are tipped off about there being marijuana in the house, who gets busted? The homeowners. DH need to understand this. If it is your house, you and DH are liable.
Your husband has done the
Your husband has done the VERY thing mine did with his sons, however they both lived with us. Our issues were stealing, fire setting and porn. Husband and I would talk, we would agree, we set the rules and I felt he was the one who should talk and enforce the rules with his sons but he wouldn't even after we went thru every step of the process together and talked about everything before hand.
I personally don't believe the pot should be in the home at all and eventhough he is 18 I would suggest counseling of addictive substances for the SS. Porn is also addictive, husband been thru it himself, and I felt by brushing it off to a boys thing he could be inviting trouble, and like yourself we had a small child in the house.
I set up counseling for the SS who was stealing and fire setting, the counselor took it very seriously. As for the porn with the younger boy, I tore up and scribbled on all his calendars and magazines and we put blocks on the computer. Oh, he was very very angry with me. He too was 18 and went into his rage about being an adult and able to make his own decisions. I told him as long as he lived in our house he would follow the rules of the house......he was very vendictive and he did all kinds of little man terrible things to me after then. Husband could see his son's rage and finally before he turned 19 asked him to leave. He is now 27 and still in his child-like rages, angry and blaming. His dad has tuned him out and I have nothing to do with him anymore.
I made the same mistake as
I made the same mistake as your husband is making! Not the way to handle it!
LizzieA pretty much said what I would say. The real problem here is that your DH condones your SS's use of marijuana.
This is a very slippery slope. I know I was there. Twelve years ago I took this perspective - felt like if my kids confined their smoking to the house then I could have more control over it and they might not get in trouble! I was VERY VERY wrong. By taking this perspective I enabled the use of illegal drugs. Girl, I was a hippie back in the day and had no idea what this type of thinking would do. There is so much more information out there about what can happen if a parent condones or ignores the use of drugs and alcohol.
I understand that your husband thinks he is doing the right thing by NOT making a big deal out of this. But I he has no idea what he is really inviting into his life, your life, his daughter's life and his son's life!
Since you have no control over what your husband does but full control over what you do - my suggestion is to find a Naranon group (for family and friends of those who use & are addicted to drugs). Google "Naranon" and you will be directed to the national website where you can find a list of meetings nationwide. If there is not a group in your area - then go to the Alanon website for one of their meetings - the principles are the same and the support is still great.
Funny things can happen when you take the path of getting support for yourself. A shift in the dynamics can have a positive rippling affect to others - but of course there are no guarantees. In the meantime you are doing what you have the power to do -- and that is to gain clarity, support, and the advice of many other people who know what you are going through.
I am new to this site so I am not sure how you get my email address (I checked that on the list) so if you'd like I am here in that way as well as in these posting.
Your gut is leading you in the right direction, my friend!