FYI; most step parents (or step parents to be) feel un appreaciate and left out at times. its probably the most common complaint. so NO, you are NOT alone!
i think you need to sit down with ur fiance and (away from the kids, cuz the last thing they need is to see more arguing and drama, from the sounds of their past!) and talk to her about this. (in a non-judgemental, non accusing way.) you and her ARE the adults in the house and should be a unified front in terms of discepline and so forth.
and just to let you know, kids are most likley NOT going to come up to you and say "hey thanks for rescuing us from our sh*t father". its just not something kids are adult enough to come to terms with. maybe when they are older they might, haha.
but they are biologically programed to love their crap dad, unfortunately. So, maybe just settign boundries, NOT doing soemthing fro them adn expecting thanks and praise. it sounds sucky,but... soemtimes NOT doing things for step kids helps. i am not saying to ignore them or to not spend tiem with them or pay the bills. but jsut dont over extend urself. cuz you are most likley NOT goign to get the praise and gratitude you are looking for.
BUT! things should eb discussed with ur fiance, and you two should be on the same page for sure! cuz when the kids move out and have lives of ur own, its just you and ur wife left!

The truth is, the answer to that question is, "That depends on your partner." If you have a partner that is respecting you as you should, you wouldn't feel this way right now.

If this woman was with an alcoholic abuser I am pretty sure there are some emotional issues there that had her end up in that relationship. Not to mention its probably really hard for her to be with a "nice" guy.

Everything is relative to your situation and these kids have this innate desire to be part of their father. It's simply genetic. They may never see it as a rescue. Whatever it is, it's sad. An alcoholic dad but dad was there or dad's gone. In a kids mine, it's not like one is necessarily the fix, you know?

You need to dig deep on this issue with your fiancee and long before you walk down the aisle.

I have always been alone, in the 10 years in this mess. DH just wants to fly under the radar until the kids all turn 18. While I don't blame him for letting it skip on by, I hate that BM gets away with practically all the bad things she does to the kids.

I don't think you should fight with BM. What purpose does it serve to even communicate with the hag? I'd cut off communications, then the girls can't hate on you about it.

At least you get to be involved with the skids and do good by them. My hands are tied because of BM keeps complaining about me helping her kids. Six short (? LOL) months until the last little booger turns 18!!

Wow I feel you...from what i read seems like your the sted dad. Im in your same shoes. I have 4 kids (step) 16,14,13 & 11. Over all we have a great relationship. I love them and treat them as my own. Ive given them a better life as well just like you. But im always the devil when their mother is mad at me. and i always feel unappriciated. Its such a sad and LONELY feeling. You are not alone just keep your head up. Hopefully once they are older they will show more appriciation!

Why are you and your fiance fighting? And why are you doing it in front of the children? I'd suggest some counseling to try and work on your issues with her, then maybe you can work on your issues with her kids

to be 100% honest, i have to ask why on earth you are even talking to bm to begin with? i will barley say "hi or bye" to my daughter's smom or my skids bm. it only creates issues, i've engaged a few times, and I REFUSE to be a parent to my skids (they already have a mom, i'll be their friend before anything else) and i REFUSE to allow any other woman "be a mother" to my daugther. I will talk to my daughter's BIO'S on her dad's side, and i will have nothing to do with smom's family i wont go to smom's mom's house if that's where they are to pick my daughter up i wont do it...and my dh wont pick my skids up from any place BUT their home

but that's just me

It's not just dad's that feel this way. SM's do too. My SS comes and stays occassionally, and everytime he's here, I'm left out. I'm the fairy in the background cooking and cleaning and organising everything so that everyone has a clean tidy house. No thanks for preparing a special meal for a fussy brat, just 'be careful of the floor, it's wet'. And no one really notices if I'm not around either! So it's not just you! And it hasn't changed after 9 years.

I think as step-parents many of us feel unappreciated a lot of the time. We don't get the recognition we deserve. I feel left out and like an outsider in my own home too. Has your wife or step kids ever been to counseling? Definitely sounds like they need it considering what they have been through. And them making you out to be the devil when you two fight, maybe the fighting (even minor arguing) stirs up feelings of their abusive father and in a roundabout way and the way they act as a result is a defense mechanism.

Ditto to Annaw... Seems like a life of slavery sometimes doesn't it??