I just recently found this forum after looking all over online for a place to see what others might be going through and to vent for myself. After spending a lifetime in New York, I moved to California a year ago to be with my fiance and the three of his children that were still at home at the time (total of eight altogether, the rest are out of the house). I knew him for twelve years as a friend before that but only online and via phone. His wife had been sick for many years and passed away in early 2009, he called me right after that and our relationship changed. I flew out to visit that summer, and everything was ok with the kids but once I moved out things changed. The three at home are all boys, now 19 (just went to college over the past summer), one 17 and a high school senior, and a 12 year old in seventh grade. Fiance is a wonderful and loving man, best person I have ever been with in my life, but I can't stand living with his kids, especially the 19 and 12 year old. The oldest one is the worst. When I moved here I had no job and spent 6 months cleaning up the complete pigsty this place was when I moved here. Cooking cleaning laundry everything, but no help or consideration. Finally got a short term job but was working ten hours a day and would still come home to find everyone parked in front of computer or tv and the house a mess.

I love fiance but he really doesn't know how to discipline his kida and is very inconsistent. He has always worked long hours as a trucker and his wife was in and out of the house in hospitals for years before she died, ever since the youngest was about a year old, so there was no consistent disciplining or rules. I inherited all the chaos. The 19 year old was used to delegating everything to the younger two, which meant sitting on his lazy ass playing on the computer and making them do everything. He did not exactly like me coming in and attempting to instill rules, fairness and discipline. He is passive aggressive, says he will do things but leaves crap in the sink, dishes all over, leaves everyone else to clean up while he spends all his free time on the computer. Would throw tantrums and throw remote controls around when he played video games with his brothers and lost. He went away to college this past summer and got an apt with his g/f, I was hoping that would be the end of it, but he is home for winter break and driving me crazy. In fact it seems every time I turn around there is a friggin school vacation and I have these kids underfoot all the time, really hard sinc I'm not working right now and I have always been a working woman not a housewife.

19 year old hasn't learned anything as far as maturity at college and is being the same old lazy, selfish little s**t he has always been. 17 year old is usually at least helpful some of the time. Got along with the little one before I moved in but he adores the 19 year old and between the two of them they drive me crazy. 12 year old won't study, gets lousy grades in school, eats crap and gives fiance and I arguments every night about studying. He constantly mouths off to me. Fiance has been trying to respond and support me and discipline kids if they disrespect me but it hasn't really changed anything. They go right back to their old behavior after a day or so. All the 19 y.o. and 12 y.o. want to do is play on the computer.

I am 53, fiance is 51. I raised my kids and they are long grown, and I never had these problems. Actually I was a non custodial parent and had mine on weekends so in a way its like I was never married and never had kids. I was never a big kid person, and I have lived alone for many years and treasured my privacy and peace and quiet. Going into menopause since I got here seems to have put me into reverse puberty, it is impossible emotionally to deal with these kids (especially 19 y.o. and 12 y.o.) I go into insane rages when they disrespect me, cursing, screaming, and then sobbing my heart out. Still not working so have no medical coverage to take care of the issue or get meds or hormones, only unemployment which barely pays groceries. (Fiance's job has no coverage either). Am not licensed in this state to do my work(mental health) and haven't had the money to take the extra required steps for licensure here yet (catch 22 situation). Miss my kids, my friends, and where I grew up. Haven't made any friends here because I can't afford to socialize, the only thing we can do together is go to church which is fine but I need more. I'm not used to a place (CA) where there is no public transportation like where I come from in NY, kids are dependent on parents till they get a car, they are always home, underfoot and annoying and up adult's a**ses 24/7! My kids and I both were always independent and out of the house but living rurally is like a prison. Don't have money to move at this time either with me being out of work. Wish these friggin kids would disappear and my fiance would move back to NY with me.

I am so upset because I gave up my whole life to come here for this man--our feelings were so strong I didn't really think it would be this bad with his kids. I cried when the oldest came home from college, can't wait till he goes back, it has been a nightmare. I don't have money to move out and get my own place because of being unemployed (though getting my own place was our original plan, till I got my annulment and we could get married). Everything is wonderful when it's just me and him, all our arguments are over his kids. We talk and he agrees to discipline plans, then he gets all wussy and inconsistent. To him I guess they are his kids so he excuses them, but to me they are completely undisciplined, running wild, lazy spoiled and selfish brats that I wish would disappear. Nothing I do seems to work, even when we do present a united front. I'd love to go to counseling too but no money for that right now either. I'm tired of raising kids at my age and resent the hell out of it. Even with little money, fiance and I are wonderful together. If only these kids weren't here...dont' know how I can make it till the 12 year old turns 18! I've suggested I should get my own place till they all friggin' move out but fiance doesn't like that. I don't really like it either but I'm getting emotionally and physically sick from the stress and aggravation of these kids. Sorry but I have to be honest..I came here for HIM and not for them. I wouldn't miss them at all if they disappeared. I'm at a loss to know what to do next. How do I keep this relationship and my sanity?

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