Is it just best for me to leave?
Things between my SO and I are great. Things between my kids and him are great. Things between me and his kids are horrible and it causes ALOT of fight and stress for me (though I am sure it is stressful for him at times too.) My kids are respectful to him so I think it's only fair that his kids are too.
I have done everthing in my power to be nice to his kids and I do the exact things for my kids for his kids too. The oldest daughter won't come over anymore (she is 14) because she didn't want to share a room with her very own sister and had a temper tantrum. Enough that the BM said it wasn't fair. Earth to BM...YOU DON'T PAY THE BILLS OR MORTGAGE. She comes over when she wants something but never to stay the night. I finally got fed up with the taking things, destroying things (from his kids) and must moved all my three kids in one bedroom last night.
I thought I was doing the right thing by starting to disengage from my future Skids but my SO doesn't feel I am "right." So his answer is...."Not to bring them over for now."
While I don't like my future Skids for the way they treat me and my children I do NOT want him to not have contact or not have visitation because of me. I want him too....I would even suck it up and still be my chipper self around his kids. But he doesn't want them to feel "uncomfortable."
So....I guess my question is, I do not want to be the one that comes between a father and his children. I can't make his kids behave or be respectful, I can only ensure that mine are. With that being said, to save my SO relationship with his childre, do you think it's the best thing to just part and go our seperate ways (which is what he DOESN'T want.) HELP!!!!
Run now. Sorry to be blunt,
Run now. Sorry to be blunt, but if I had foreseen all these problems, I would have never gotten involved with my husband. We have agreed to not fight for SD14. She was miserable here after I moved in. Couldn't take it anymore and left served us with modification. Thousands of dollars later, we at least won in court and BM got no CS.
My point is that these kids never truly accept us as steps in their life. They make it difficult at every turn. As they get older there becomes even more problems.
If the kids accept you early on it is usually fine. For me everything was great we dated for almost 4 years. As soon as we got married and moved in, all hell broke loose. You are not married or engaged yet, I would turn back now...
Good luck....
i would say leave ONLY IF
i would say leave ONLY IF there is no chance that he will be able to make joint rules/decisions with you regarding his kids (and all the kids). if he is unable to accept any influence from you, it's doomed anyway (with or without step-kids). would the two of you be up for counseling? it really helps tremendously. in ALL areas of your relationship. i'm not a big fan of leaving if there is still something to work with. but he has to be willing to work WITH you. only you know if there is something salvageable here.
I'm sorry, but why is the
I'm sorry, but why is the option of exercising visitation elsewhere never considered when it is feasible?
What I mean is, in cases like mine, where I am the sole homeowner (pre-marital property) and mortgage contributor, the child lives local, and overnights do NOT impact child support, it seems to me that if having the child stay at MY home makes ME uncomfortable then my H could just simply go spend the day with his daughter and take her back home to BM's at night - then I wouldn't have to deal with it. Frankly I would PREFER if this way - that way everyone gets what they want - H & SD get to spend as much time together as they do now (because let's face it - they are NOT "spending time together overnight when they are both asleep!) which I have no interest in interfering with, and I get an SK-free home. Problem solved!
Actually ml, you would be the
Actually ml, you would be the only one getting what they want.
I'm sure your DH would rather spend time with his child in the comfort of the home in which he resides, even though he doesn't own the home or pay the mortgage. Overnights are important to parent-child relationships. Are you saying that because you're asleep, the strength & growth of the relationship stalls? Having my DH/children under the same roof at night, knowing that I'll see them in the morning, spending time with them over breakfast, driving them to school or seeing them off to the bus/work, those are all important moments in spousal and parent-child bonds. To be honest, you should have let your DH know that there are strings attached to your living arrangement, as well as what your expectations were in regard to his relationship with his child, so that he could have made other living arrangements. It sounds like you're actually asking him to choose between you and his child in this scenario. That's a bad way to go.
And I'm sure the child would much rather visit with their Dad somewhere that they feel like they belong and are wanted, instead of just being a visitor. Hotels/motels don't normally put off that vibe...
JMHO
Why is it that when we are
Why is it that when we are asking our SO to supprt us and put the PARTNERSHIP first, we are immediately accused of making him choose between his children and us - which is not the case. Unless SO is willing to place the partnership as the primary focus, the situation will only get worse for SM. Maybe it is good he visits with them until he can instill the concept of good manners and respect for others' personal property.
You'd have to read my
You'd have to read my previous blogs to really understand this post. I didn't always feel this way - my H CREATED this situation when he failed to provide for himself and his children as a man and a father. THOSE were the only "strings attached" to our living arrangement, and of course I did NOT EXPECT this failure else I would NOT have married H or let him move in.
So no, I'm not asking my H to choose between me and his child - instead I have told him I would gladly make the choice for him, and that he SHOULD CHOOSE HER! So you tell me why H hasn't left yet?
If "the child would rather visit their Dad somewhere that they feel like they belong and are wanted, instead of just being a visitor", then I rest my case, because that place is NOT MY HOUSE!
very smart ladies above. i
very smart ladies above. i know in my case, my husband wasn't even AWARE he was a bad parent! he truly didn't realize it until he met me and we went to counseling. he was used to his ex and his mother handling everything. it's been a very slow and arduous process, but he's starting to see things, trying to step up. i think it may be too late for his oldest. but, looking back, if i had known everything i would have had to go through from the beginning, at my age i probably would have passed, too. even now, it's his willingness to work with me that keeps me here and the fact we are married. ahhh, hind sight is 50/50. i really like the advice of moving backwards in the relationship, maybe getting your own place. then you'll be able to see him in action on his own. give yourself some perspective.
let me give you my story
let me give you my story hun..my experiences as a smom...i feel the SAME WAY as you (not wanting to come between skids and dh). however, my dh and i sat and had a very long discussion (many times) about how i was being treated and how i felt. in short. my dh really doesn't care anymore if the kids WANT to come visit, he's not going to make them 1 way or another (agree or disagree, your choice). but he's FIRMLY told them that they will respect me as i've told my own that she will respect him regardless how they feel about any given circumstance. if they have a problem they will talk, or not be heard and we wont care. (it's HARD to prove that to them)
my sd's both did the same thing (only wanted to come over if something "fun" is going on) and even started asking friday evening before we came to get them what the plans were that weekend, and 1 would come out and 1 wouldn't when we had chores (always different) well, i don't agree with that, and i refuse to let someone play in the pool who doesn't help mow the grass to get to the pool, or help clean the dead bugs out of the pool b 4 jumping in (etc).
so what we do, if they don't want to come see him that's fine, but they will come do 2 weekends of chores (inside or out) before we plan a "fun weekend" with them, and yes, i plan them purposly.
but they've done him WRONG TOO, they totally skipped him last father's day (not even a phone call) and many other things, so yeah his give a darn is busted....so as long as his are, so are mine i can't make bm make them come over if HE doesn't enforce it, so if he dont' want it, then ok fine by me i really don't care, if he wants it i'm open and ready for battle.
I obviously try to hard with
I obviously try to hard with SO, his kids, and even his ex wife. His kids don't give a crap about Father's Day. But they made sure that they let me know that their mom said she wanted a new hair dryer for Christmas because hers was on the fritz and to let their dad know. So of course I made sure she got a nice new shiney hair dryer because that is what she wanted DH to get her from the kids, plus a few other gifts. She doesn't call me to watch the girls when it's her time, she texts SO and asks him to ask me. I thought we were all adults. But of course my SO has no freakin balls. I am really starting to reevaluate this whole relationship.
My SO and I have been
My SO and I have been together for a little over 2 years. About 7 months ago, we moved in together. He has 3 kids, 7yo, 9,yo, and 10yo. They come to our house almost every weekend. Before we lived together, I went out and did things with them - go to the park, movies, sometimes on day trips, but we rarely spent the night because we didn't want it reported back to BM. At that time, the kids were cute and mostly sweet. I didn't think moving in would be a problem.
Well, when I first moved in the kids were excited. My SO had a family meeting with them beforehand and asked them it would be ok for me to live with them - he told them that I don't like to be woken up and I have rules and I like kids to do chores and they still said it was okay with them. So after I moved in, we were first like a big family. The kids took right to doing chores, which they didn't have before. They got used to having the house clean, which it wasn't before. They would listen to me most of the time when I told them what to do.
In the past couple of months things have gone steadily down hill. The kids have no manners, no respect, they talk non-stop, they fight and scream the entire time they are awake, they lie right to your face (even when you tell them you saw what they did), all in all they are spoiled brats. They refuse to do their chores anymore, so I am left to clean up after 3 kids every weekend. They constantly talk back and say the ole "you're not my mom, you can't tell me what to do." The kids have recently started acting out. They handle every conflict by punching or kicking each other. Anytime they get in trouble at our house - which is usually just being sent to their room - they tell BM some made up story and she reports us to DSS. The DSS people have been to our house 4 times in the past three months for interviews and have stated they think BM is lying. Dad doesn't even spank the kids. There is no abuse going on. The kids have adopted this attitude which is fueled by BM that you cannot do anything to me or I will call DSS and get you in trouble. In December, the 10yo pulled a knife on the 7yo because he was being annoyed and he threatened to kill him. My SO was in the shower so I intervened and separated them. When SO reported it to BM, she said the 7yo probably deserved it.(Yes, she is messed up - what does a 7yo do to deserve a death threat?) They come over and say "Mom says we don't have to follow your rules" - not to me, but to their father. According to DSS, mom and kids say they have no problem with me. A few weeks ago, the 9 yo threw the worst temper tantrum I have ever seen. She cussed me out - calling me a stupid b****h and telling me to get the f**k out of her house. It resulted in her destroying her bedroom and punching her dad in the face. I told him, enough is enough. Although these might not be the worst kids in the world, these are the worst kids I have ever met and I won't have them acting this way in my house.
So, to make matters worse, I found out I am pregnant. Although I love my SO dearly and things are great when the kids are gone - I don't feel safe having a baby in the house. I really don't think the kids will adjust well to a new baby and when they are over I am miserable. I don't think I can deal with taking care of a baby and putting up with their BS. I don't think I will ever be able to even leave the room without carrying the baby with me - because they would be likely to hit it, kick it, throw something at it.
I told my SO that I should move back to my own place. Before we moved in together he was always at my house when he didn't have the kids, so we were practically living together then. I told him it could be the same. He could come over all during the week and then spend the weekends at his house with the kids. At first, he said he was okay with it and now he has decided that its unacceptable. I was very clear that I don't want to split up and I am not trying to keep him away from the new baby, but I don't think its safe and I really don't want his kids behavior around the baby. He just continued to argue that things would work out and the kids could get better. That he wasn't willing to accept that things could not improve.
I really hope things can be improved for his kids, but I don't really want to be involved anymore. I have another person to think about now.
Am I being too quick to give up on this situation?
Just read your blog about
Just read your blog about should I leave. I am in the exact situations as you. Together with husband for 8 years married for 6. To this day I cant pickup or drop off his girls. lately BM has been calling 14 -17 times a day. I am really trying to decide if I can deal. I thought as they got older it would stop but continually got worst. Not sure what to do. My sons took to DH like ducks to water. So he has no idea what I am feeling.i have told him how I feel but it continues to get worse not sure what to do either. HELP any advice???
mom23 I feel this way
mom23 I feel this way sometimes also. Me and my FDH's daughter17 don't really act like we exist to each other and I sometimes wonder if I am damaging her and my FDH's father-daughter relationship. Or if one day something will blow up and I will have my revelation then to leave. I guess I just take it one day at a time and see what happens.