HELP!!! I am getting ready to loose it!
So here is my story...
I am the bm of two boys 12 and 18. One lives with me(12) and the other lives with his Dad, but visits frequently and we talk all the time. My S/0 has custody of his two kids a boy 12, and a girl 10 and they live with me. My BS's have ADHD and we manage it with meds and constant contact with school and counseling. So I understand learning disorders and the such... That being said my s/o's son has other issues like like oppositional defiance disorder, and has a disability that keeps him from making good choices basically, NOTHING is ever his fault. He is destructive and sneaky. The SD is a good kid, she really is the polar opposite of her brother and gets along well with my BS. The SS and my BS hate each other. The kids live with us because their BM is on drugs but we have a ct order that says she get the kids one day a week. She never even showed for the custody hearing, but goes around telling everyone that we are keeping the kids from her. She has pulled all kinds of stunts. Last weekend she called and started screaming because she had no food to feed her kids. STOP BUYING CRACK OR WHATEVER YOUR ON THIS WEEK, DUH!! Any way my SS is driving me nuts, I can't take it. He is constantly whining, and doing things to irritate ALL of us. He is very immature for his age and I have had it! I don't want him touching my stuff because he breaks things, not always on purpose but it will happen. I have tried to talk with him reasonably and be kind, and it just keeps getting worse.I hate being around him anymore, to the point where I don't want to go home. I know he's just a kid, and I know he has issues, but he's not my kid and they aren't my issues. My S/o knows there is something wrong but does nothing to fix it. Help, before I throw this whole thing out the door, LITERALLY! There is alot more to say but I just don't feel like writing a book right now....I work hard to have what I do, and I have just about had it!!
My SO has three daughters.
My SO has three daughters. The youngest will be 7 this year. She is repeating Kindergarten (so this is her second year) and she is in a "special" class. However, she has behavior problems and is just struggling. Now, I am an adult but I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD so I do take a small dosage of medication so I can relate to the whole ADHD. My SO and BM are so in denial that there is something wrong with this child. My youngest who is 4 is more advanced then is daughter. She does receive Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy but they pretty much leave it up to the school to "fix" the problem. She shows every single sign of ADHD. And though I am not a doctor I have it so I am pretty sure that is what she has. I once suggested it to SO way before I moved in. Since then I recently mentioned it again and even left him some information for him to read. He actually read everything and contacted the BM to say he was going to the school and ask that she be screened. The BM went nuts and said over her dead body was the kid going to be medicated. Anyway, SO contacted the teacher and asked if the teacher saw signs and of course she came back with "absolutely." So they are going to pre-screen her so she has something to take to her Pediatrician and doctor for a possible diagnosis. So that is currently what we are waiting on...
I would at times love to just choke this kid and count down to the hours that she has to go home. She is very destructive, all she does is say my name, she does not know how to sit without getting up and just walking around or even play with others. If she is not ADHD then there is something else very wrong with her. However, I feel for her because it's truly not her fault. I blame SO and BM because they have made this little girl struggle for so long. I went and bought all these workbooks and crayons, pencils, paper for her to do. She absolutely loves it. Granted she goes from one task to the other she is at least able to sit quietly for a short period of time. Its hard because I can relate but because I am older I am able to deal with things myself. So I really TRY not to get frustrated with her. SO and BM have no patience so I am the one who helps with homework. I don't let her turn it in sloppy like they do. They both say "that is all she knows how to do." I make her sit down and I will erase her words until it looks neat enough. This kid can do it, and I've shown my SO she is capable of doing it. She needs someone to speak up for her. Unfortunately I am not yet married to my SO so I pretty much don't have a say in the matter, but my SO is seeing the big picture now and is startingto step up to the plate.
It is very hard...just remember the child can't help it for the most part but they do need lots of love and encouragement, and of course they need disciplne.
I too have ADHD, and take
I too have ADHD, and take meds for it, and it helps, believe me! I am the go to Mom for any parent in school that has questions. We are very open about all of us having ADHD. I get calls from time to time from parents who are unsure. I understand your frustration. There is such a stigma attached to having a learning disorder,people just remember the bad kids of the 70's all doped up on rittalin. It isn't like that anymore and I tell alot of parents that they are doing their child a huge disservice by NOT medicating. It makes my kids go from a C student to an A student. It doesn't "squish" their personalties, it helps them be better people!
That being said,The SS has Exec. Funct. Dys. and has been diagnosed. He can be a sweet kid, but I am not wondering if he is not BIPOLAR too. I can't deal with that. He is constantly disrupting the household running around, hitting his sister, making weird noises. He talks to his self constantly. I just wish I could pack him up and send him to his mother, let her deal with it. It just keeps getting worse. She is just plain crazy. My SO is not much help, he would rather bury his head in the sand and pretend like it will all just go away. I often ask myself why am I doing this? This is not my problem. My house is a wreck, I am constantly cleaning up after all of them, even after I freak out,and doll out chores. I don't need this. I work my A$$ off for what? The BM pays no child support, but was quick to try to get money out of my SO when she wanted custody. Right now I am paying most of the bills, b/c there is not any work in our area for my SO. I have had enough of that too! He is working on changing that.. because he knows I will walk. Funny thing is that I LOVE my SO. I really tried to talk myself out of even dating him in the first place...I just felt different with him. He is a good guy, but had a really bad marriage. I would see him at hockey practice where his wife would show up stoned, he was the main caregiver to the kids and you could tell it. I honestly believe that he tried to keep it together for his kids. My XHB even really likes him, and we get along well with his new wife. I just don't want one bad seed to tear it all apart.
I totally can relate. My SO
I totally can relate. My SO is just in denial about alot of things. After I push at things, he starts to see it my way but when he has to do some "work" because the BM won't do anything then he just drags his feet and the whole "I feel so sorry for her" starts. Drives me up the freakin wall. And of course I can't do anything or even take the child to be evaluated. I too ofter wonder why I am doing this to myself. Because not only does the youngest have problems, but his two older daughter are liars, thieves, and have been in trouble for NUMEROUS things and yet....he nor the BM want to deal with it.
I am seriously second guessing my relationship.
I completely understand! I go
I completely understand! I go around wondering WHY?? It is so bad that I freak out over the stupidst things. But I can't help it.
I totally get it. My SD6 has
I totally get it. My SD6 has ODD. Sometimes she screams for hours, becomes verbally and physically violent. My guard is up all of the time and I hate it. DH is great though. We don't agree on everything but most things we do. He understands this is learned behavior and has moved to get almost full custody. I felt really guilty for being mad all the time at SD6. She's a baby and learned this from her BM, but at the same time, GET A GRIP KID! Can't wait for the book Stepmonster to get here today so I can start reading it.
My best advice is to make sure you take time for yourself - ALONE TIME!