Adult SS driving me insane

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7 months ago my dh found out his 23 year old son had failed out of college and was homeless. It appears his bm and family along with friends had all kicked him out (he was couch surfing) and would not allow him to move back in with them. My fil convinced us that we needed to take him in and give him a chance. What a mistake! This "young man" has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old. He is selfish and self centered, pays nothing to live with us, expects us to provide him transportation back and forth to his 10 hour a week job, which by the way he is SO tired after working 10 hours a week he is unable to assist with the chores (the majority is his mess), but can spend 14 hours a day on the internet playing games. When I tell him that if he wants to act like he's 10 and can do it somewhere else, he tells my dh that I have threatened to throw him out. He is decietful, loves to cause fights between the rest of the family and constantly plays a victim. My dh is FINALLY starting to see what this kid is doing, however feels that we can save him from the "emotional damage" his bm has caused and refuses to throw him out. We have NO privacy, (we have caught him going through our personal papers, etc) but he demands we give him his, and he has made it so that the other grown children 20 and 19 will not come around when he is here and our 12 year old can't stand to be around him as all the 23 year old ss does is try to get him into trouble. I'm at my wits end. Any advice is appriciated at this time.
PS...I have laid down rules, which he does not feel apply to him as he is an "adult", and can't seem to understand why I don't want anything to do with him even after I told him to his face I can't stand his behaviour and actions and he needs to GROW UP ugh....

So I see my youngest ss

So I see my youngest ss landed at your door LOL. Nothing is going to change until you and your DH come together and make it change.
Your SS needs to get out on his own. I don't know if this is going to mean kicking him out right away or trying to work out a reasonable date for him to move by.
We tried the reasonable date routine but SS wouldn't abide by it and thought he was going to just keep being the way he always was so H and I forced him out. H was worried that SS wouldn't make it but SS learned to fly and if he wouldn't have been pushed out of the nest he never would have. Good Luck on this but it's going to boil down to the fact that your DH needs to hold his son accountable for his behavior and some DH's never get it. Mine did thank goodness

So I see my youngest ss

well we actually had a

well we actually had a breakthrough this morning. After we picked him up from work and he was waiving his paycheck around singing about how ss got paid (Real ADULT behaviour on that one) my dh told him good, he could now buy a bicycle so he could get back and forth to work, to which the attitude insued. The ss then gets my dh alone and states how he doesn't want to be in the same room with me because I'm nasty and rude to him all the time. He was still forced to buy a bike and I told my dh this is MY house, I pay half the bills and I will speak to him in the same mannor as he treats me. If darling ss doesn't like it, there is the door. Feel SO much better, that is, until the next battle ensues.....

That's exactly the attitude I

That's exactly the attitude I had to take with Stain youngest SS. And kudos to DH for making him find his own transportation

I had the same problem with

I had the same problem with my ss35. He's an expert at playing the victim so he moved from couch to couch taking advantage of everyone. (read my blogs to get the whole scoop) Anyway, my advice to you would be to address this RIGHT NOW. If you wait, you're going to have so much anger bottled up you might really blow up thereby giving DH the "you don't like my son" excuse. Give him one month to get out. He doesn't need to be working but I would suggest he work 3 jobs if he wants a place to live, cause he can't live in your home anymore. Don't extend your deadline, don't give him money, hound him to do chores, don't give him rides anymore, etc. He's an adult, he needs to act responsibly. Good luck!

Put your foot down now so you

Put your foot down now so you won't end up like me SD (27) still lives at home with us. I too should have known better when I found out her BM didn't want her living with her . .but no . . DH told me BM had the issues. But in reality SD is lazy, selfish, manipulative, and mean-spirited. Hell if she were my B child with good attributes, I wouldn't want her living with me. She's an adult and adults need their own place.

In the time I've been married, I've made DH hold SD accountable. She now buys her own food, pays rent, and I'm constantly on him about reminding her to clean up behind herself then and there . . . not 3 days later. I wanted DH to give her a "move out" date. He refused because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. WTF. What about my feelings? So I told him I was moving out. Fortunately she's getting married soon so it's just a matter of time now before she'll be leaving. . . finally. Put a plan in motion to get him out now . . or at least get a plan for his future. . . . before you end up like me. The longer they stay the longer they want to stay.

I can understand wanting to

I can understand wanting to take son back in when your husband found out he was homeless however, he is an adult now and it is time he take responsibility for his own life. I would suggest that you and your husband talk and agree to what you feel he needs to be doing to reach a goal of independence for himself.....job, college (maybe not since he dropped out), etc and hold him to that.

When our children (bios/steps) became adults we told them that they could remain at home as long as they followed the hosue rules and we gave them a paper which they then had to sign (did this with two of our 4 because they were giving us such trouble) and agree to. Among many things besides time to be home and no sleep overs with opposite sex, was that they had to go to college or pay rent ($100 a month). They had to have a job and keep it as we were not finding their autos, gas or insurance.

One of the boys felt once he was 18 he did not have to follow any of our rules regardless. He was angry and aggressive, he'd gone thru our things like you mentioned. It was too much for me and causing alot of tension in the household. I ended up going to an attorney for leagl advise and he asked me why the kid was still in the household. I then went home and told my husband that it was him or me which I would not suggest for everyone but sometimes hubby doesn't lsiten and this got his attention.

He asked his son to move out, this was just before he turned 19. That kid is still giving us holy H*** to this day.

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Adult SS driving me insane