Help! Is this odd...or normal?

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I just wanted to run something by everyone and see how they felt about it. I'm actually not a step mom but I am in a relationship and live with someone who has a child. My boyfriend has a 3 year old son. His son lives with his BM, who has primary custody of him. We get him every other weekend and usually one overnight day during the week. On the days that my boyfriend doesn't have him...he has to call his ex everynight to check in on him and tell him goodnight. Most calls last about 3-5 minutes and consist of him asking questions that the his ex has to answer because the child isn't really ever interested in talking on the phone. Then on the nights that we do have him at our house...she has to call every night and do the same thing. It really irks me that they do this EVERY night. On the days that we pick him up from his mom's house at 6pm...we still have to go thru the phone call at 8:30pm...when we've only had him for 2 1/2 hours. (Of course there are other issues with behavior and discipline as well but I won't go into those.) I guess my concern is...is this just what people do when they share custody...or (and what it feels like at times to me) I'm the third wheel in the nightly family-time moment? HELP?

SD calls her other parent

SD calls her other parent every morning before school, every day after school, every night before bed, and often in the evening. I thinks it's a co-dependant, dysfunctional way to parent, IMO.

When my kids go to their dad's, I don't call them at all unless they stay for a week (which is rare). Then I'll call at that halfway point.

Wanna guess which method contributed to the independant, well-adjusted children and which method led to a needy, odd, whiny child?

I hear that. I think maybe

I hear that. I think maybe it would be different if they actually TALKED...but usually its just my boyfriend following the kid around with the phone, while his mom asks questions that he answers for him. Then he has to play the "tell mommy you love her" game...or one I hate even more the "say I love you mommy" game. Its like nails on a chalkboard to me. I want everyone to get along...and be able to talk especially if its important...but why can't they just agree to call when the kid wants to talk...and not force themselves on him every night. Its like they both think they're gonna win parent of the year awards because they call the kid whenever he's out of their sight overnight.

My GD has to call the non CP

My GD has to call the non CP every night. Now she calls and leaves a message for her dad to call her back which he does or doesn't.

I can't see the point in it but then they are the parents and probably miss their child. And saying goodnight to someone is polite.

Now calling after pickup night is a little drastic but how long have these people been living apart?

Even when I first met my DH he called his sons every night to check in and say 'goodnight'.

That being said my grand daughters conversations seldom last more than a minute, sometimes as little as 20 seconds.

I would talk to your BF about why he has to prompt during the phone call. What purpose does it serve? Now he could say "Tell Mommy about the dog you saw." And then reherse "What do you say to mommy when you say goodnight?" "Good night Mommy I love you." CLICK. And practice it over and over again.

Consider it phone etiquette training. He is 3 and away from his other parent. He will settle down as long as the calls aren't the pivitol point of the evening.

I guess to me it just feels

I guess to me it just feels like they are still trying to have "family time" and not just wanting to say goodnight. Some calls go on for 20 minutes, even without the child saying a word. Every day they share stories about his day during these calls...which I'm excluded from...even when I'm part of the story. They've never lived together since he was born...and we only live 5 minutes away from one another. Just seems like...if you want to raise him together...then fine, get back together and do it. But if not...then let us tell him goodnight when he's with us...and you do it when he's with you. The most we ever go without having him stay with us is 3 days,and he only stays 1 or 2 days. The constant nightly reminders...who are they for?

I don't know if it's normal

I don't know if it's normal or abnormal, but in our court case with SD8's BM, she has SD8 3 weekends in a row from 5 pm Friday to 5 pm Sunday. So basically there are 3 Saturdays a month where we don't see her at all. That being the case, we don't call at all.

During the week the judge said that BM would be allowed to call at 6 pm Tuesday and on 6 pm on the Friday of the weekend that we have SD8. That's what he feels is reasonable phone contact. Now I wouldn't have a problem with her calling more as long as it wasn't excessive, but I wouldn't schedule my day around it and I wouldn't allow excessive calls either.

But as a mom it would make me sad not to be able to call my kids whenever I wanted to talk to them. So I guess it depends on the person.

I agree that it feels like

I agree that it feels like being the third wheel at "family" time and it sucks! I also think it's because the parents are having a hard time letting go of the feeling of "family" they had before even though they don't want to be together, and are trying to give the kid the feeling that each parent is there even when they're not. I am not saying it's a bad thing or a good thing. I just know how it stinks to be the third person on that, which is probably why the old biblical way of looking at marriage was a lot simpler. Sure you might be miserable being married, but you should stay together for the kids that you insisted on bringing into this world.

I wish I thought of all this before I married my husband.

My SS is 12 and his mom can't wait to drop him off and get him out of her hair, yet she has to call and ask him what we are all doing and more intrusive nonsense. I wish I could tell you it gets better with time, and it DOES. But it never really goes away completely.

I think it has to do with the

I think it has to do with the parents and the kid, if the kid is older. kiddo's bm has EOW/E and has no contact what so ever in between visits, by her own choice. On the other hand, my aunt and uncle recently divorced and my uncle talks to my cousins (mostly the boy), who are teenagers, probably 1-4 times a day. If theyre just saying goodnight and your bf is checking up on what happened with the kid that day i dont think that it is necesarily odd, annoying to you and a little excessive possibly but not odd or suspicious. if him and bm are sitting on the phone chatting about themselves, thats odd and suspicious.

no, it's an in your face non

:sick: :sick: :sick:

no, it's an in your face non fucking stop thing...mentioned in the required parenting class here... thank god dh & bm NEVER did that

Thanks all. To

Thanks all.

To Kerryann67---I think that whats so hard for me. I'm not looking to be equal to his mom...I'm not his mom...I don't ever expect to be liked as much...but its a slap in the face when he and I are having a grand ole time playing a game and laughing it up...and my boyfriends phone goes off and all is lost for the "talk to mommy" game. Even when he doesn't want to talk (which is most of the time)...he still loses interest in what we were doing and runs from the phone. So either way...our shared time is over and I'm sharply reminded that I'll never get the benefits of being his mom...but I still have all the responsibilites while he's with us. This is hard.

I think the calls should be

I think the calls should be long enought for the boy to say "Hi mommy I love you goodnight."

Walking around the house talking thru the child is just rude and downright silly.

The next time it happens, pick up your purse and drive off to the nearest Starbucks or Dairy Queen for 45 mins. And when you get home you say "Oh, ths was your OTHER family time so I wanted to give you some space." And don;t answer your cell phone. In fact leave it behind.

He will get the message loud and clear. The problem is he may make a choice that you may not like. I wouldn't stick around with a BM and BD who are acting like they just live is separate houses and are always there for their kid and in turn, each other.

perfect advice

Who is your guy in a

Who is your guy in a relationship with? I can just picture your situation and it makes my skin crawl. You there in the house, your house, patiently waiting for your man to get off the phone with his ex? That is totally disrespectful to you. It isn't normal, and its quite a terrible way to treat you. I agree that it sounds an awful lot like he is trying to recreate family time. An if he is, what's the point in confusing this poor child? His parents are divorced, so help him adjust to that, ie. mom time is with mom and dad's time is with dad. Why create a situation where he is missing whatever parent he isn't with? I can't see the benefit, and if it was me, I would be wondering if the child had anything to do with it, or if the child is an excuse for those two to talk. I totally think you need to demand some boundaries. When the kid wants to talk to his mother, then that's one thing, let him babble on the phone for a minute, but your situation is ridiculous. Saying that, I see how potentially difficult this will be to bring up to your guy without being accused of being a selfish bitch who doesn't care about the emotional well-being of a child (been there, done that again and again and again). I hope you can raise the issue without it blowing up in your face. The current situation sounds dreadful. (but thanks for making me grateful the my skid is 12 and I just have to deal with 50 text pages back and forth between fiance and skid during our "quality" alone time)

I think that some parents

I think that some parents that are not together want to give their child and "society" the perception that they are all still a family and care for each other as a family, although they are no longer a family. Believe me that I cannot imagine not seeing my munchkin all the time...and can see where it would be hard for some of the dads and moms...I have left my son with my husband while I traveled and it was hard, and yes, I probably called at least once a day...sigh...HOWEVER, I also believe that if you want your kid to have a family, and for it to be "always like a family", then you put up with the s#$%T and stay married and stay together and actually SACRIFICE your happiness for that of your children. Don't split up because your happiness is worth more than your child's happiness and then expect your new partner to sacrifice their life for you to still play "little family".

My DH never did that...thankfully...but he was very much into "well, she's my daughter, blah, blah...I have to sacrifice everything for her happiness...blah, blah...even if it makes you feel like crap...blah, blah...even if you are left out...blah, blah...I care more about her feelings than yours...blah, blah..." to which I said..."ok, I get you. I understand to you, SHE comes first...it's irrelevant if I feel alienated, if crazy constantly wanting to talk to you makes me feel bad, etc...I understand...you want ME to sacrifice myself and my happiness so that you can make your daughter happy...and your ex...ok, I get it...GUESS WHAT? SORRY! if either of you cared so much about your kid, YOU should have sacrificed your happiness and stayed married...but no, you divorce, mess up the kid for YOUR happiness and now, you want ME to give up my happiness when you weren't willing to give up yours for your own kid? sure! Then it's time I move on"...I think he got it after that.

Yes, I knew he had a kid. I also knew that they should have a relationship...however, again, no divorced parent should expect the new spouse to give up their happiness for their kids when they weren't willing to do it themselves.

WOW! To

WOW! To herewegoagain---Never thought if it that way. And you're so right. I hate feeling second best. That I'm replaceable. I hate seeing all his effort go into his son...and not much come back my way. I hate feeling guilty for wanting more.

I even asked him on day where I fall on his priortity list...he told me "tied for second". His kid was first, and he and I were tied for second place. That hurt. Not sure where this is going. Things need to change. When I try to bring things up though, I get the...BUT HE'S MY SON comment and arguemnt...and I feel like my skin turns green and a hariy wart pops out on my chin. Wicked "step-mother" strikes again.

I just signed on to this site

I just signed on to this site today, and I am SOOOOOOO relieved to see other people feel the same way I do. My boyfriend (even though we aren't married, I've been full-time mom for his kids, 5&7 for a year) will always be polite and bend over backwards for whatever his deadbeat ex wife wants! She didn't call, see or anything for three months last year after she dropped them off with us before Easter. And yet, he still allows her to text asinine crap during "our" time (she recently sent him some stupid picture at 11:30pm labeled 'parenting fail' and I wanted to text back, yeah that should be a picture of your ugly face!), she texts and calls constantly during her three hours that she sees them each week (literally - she has them for 3-4 hours on Saturday and Sunday, often neither because she doesn't get her ass out of bed). But he ALLOWS it!!

To an extent, I am extremely glad that she doesn't give a flying crap about them, but at the same time, she is such a talented liar that she puts on this spectacular show when she does see them, that everyone, but me apparently, is fooled into thinking she is still this great person!?!? WTF!!! It just burns my butt to be putting in 24/7 "bad-guy parent" duties and reaping none of the reward or respect. She gets them on the weekends, if she cares to, and my boyfriend just drops everything to run them back and forth (she doesn't drive) and to take them for a few hours.

I agree 100% - if you want to be around them/deal with them so much, then you should have sacrificed your happiness for the kids. If not, break the ties. She's a loser, I care for your children a million times better than she ever did (they're total emotional and disciplinary messes that I have been toiling endlessly to resolve) and I love you and would never cheat on you (like she did). WTF do you need!?!

S*#@ or get off the pot, right!?

BUT HE'S MY SON, yes, gag, or

BUT HE'S MY SON, yes, gag, or HE'S MY CHILD, or worst yet, HE'S MY BLOOD, hate them all...raises the obvious question....then what the hell am I? Just your girlfriend du jour??

I guess thats part of the

I guess thats part of the problem. I don't know what I am to him. I did try to talk to him about it last night. It wasn't pretty. He just tells me...I'm not ever gonna stop calling my son and telling him goodnight. (To which I think...so he'll be 30 and still getting nighty night calls every day.) And honestly, if "good night calls" were all it was...then I don't think I'd be mad about that. But these calls average (I get the detailed cell phone bill) 3-5 minutes. And most happen at like 6:30pm. Which isn't even bed time. And I've been present in the room for a lot of them. They all sound the same..."Hi buddy!. Are you being a good boy?" To which BM answers for him. From there...its BM trying to get the kid to say "I love you Daddy" and "good night"...which rarely happens.
I'm not asking for these calls to stop. But why can't they be more focused? If they are bed time goodnight calls...do that at bed time...and just say I love you, I miss you, Good night...I'll see you tomorrow or the next day. If he doesn't want to talk. Say bye. Why drag out a one-sided conversation. Sometimes his son is doing something like taking a bath or playing...and he just sits and listens in as he talk, even though he's not talking to him.
Why does this piss me off so much?