Daughter/Stepdad Issues
Ok, I am tryin to help bridge the gap between my oldest BD9 and my Husband. He loves her, and she adores him, but they don't communicate well at all. She is very sensitive and puberty is starting to hit hard, and he doesn't understand that or know how to deal with it. (My skids are SS9 and SD7)She requires a gentle touch and a firm voice, but he can't seem to find the right combination. He tells to get grumpy with her very quick, and doesn't realize how harsh his tone is with her when he is asking her to do something. Then she gets upset and cries, which he views as her stalling or being defiant..and then the arguing starts. He gets frustrated, she gets upset, and I am trying to pick up the pieces! lol
Has anyone successfully over come this issue? I have suggested they spend a little time together each week, just getting more comfortable with each other, like go for ice cream, etc. I think part of the problem is insecurity on her part, her BD and her had a distant relationship when we were togheter, now that we are divorced, he is even more distant. I think she sees potential in more of a bond wiht my Husband, but doesn't know how to approach it, and I believe she is scared that she will get close and someday he will walk away from her too. She is a VERY sensitive little girl..she is just like her mama!
Help? Suggestions?
I hear the same thing from
I hear the same thing from DH..he has completely sheltered his kids fromt he divorce, never really talked to them about it..etc..so it is "hard for them". I don't say that about BD9, I am referencing how she is by nature. I can see why you think it is an excuse, especially when you were dealing with adult kids..but I am dealing with a 9 year old pubecent (sp?) little girl. I was overly sensitive as a kid, still am, and so is she. Hell, even the school acknowledges it. She just gets her feelings hurt easy, I don't think that is an excuse for discipline, etc., it is more in how they communicate that I am concerned with. His voice is harsh with her, and it isn't with his bio kids. That is what I am trying to straighten out..does that make sense?
My DH is the same way with my
My DH is the same way with my DD6. He tends to be very harsh with her and argues with her alot, even when she is crying. I try telling him you can't rationalize with a girl when she is hysterical like that and that by arguing with her, its just making it worse. Not that I don't want her to be discplined but I try to encourage him to wait until she is calm enough to hear what he is saying. He doesn't listen and he never will. Sometimes men just don't understand the female brain. They are different than boys and need to be handled differently. I wish you luck!I know my DH will never come around. My DD has also asked me before what if DH leaves, etc. as her father never was a big part of her life. I think the situations tend to be harder when its a stepdad with daughter than a stepmom with son.
Harsh and discipline are two
Harsh and discipline are two different animals-he's not relating to her the way he knows he's supposed to.
I do not for the life of me understand these moronic "dh's" that show preference and treat their skids w/harsh tone, arguing or come w/guns blazing tyring to discipline and lash out at them.
Their place is to get to know the child first, slowly SLOWLY develop a relationship that can turn into role model figure, slowly and with patiences earn their respect and where they are comfortable having you in their lives. THEN you can start backing up the bio parent w/discipline...when that goes well THEN you can go on to asking/commanding something of them (even if bio isn't there). You earn like, respect, TRUST way before discipline/authority comes in the picture.
NOW-it should be known that eventually the step-parents will have authority to discipline -at least for my bf and I- but we are not at that point...we've done the like/trust/respect/i'm here consistently thing...then we introduced the rules to his SD slowly...he backs me up when I discipline and viceversa.
My bf had to take matters in his own hands last wknd when my youngest through a fit. BUT he does not yell nor use harsh tone. He just talked to him, told him he was out of control, that it's not like him, why is he acting that way, that he was dissapointing him very much. It got through.
Again-guys that come in w/harsh tone-especially for sensitive girls...ughhhh...bop him upside the head I say.
I was overly sensitive when I
I was overly sensitive when I was that age...I was a pain in the butt & am willing to admit it. My mom (who I got the sensitivity from) basically told me to suck it up. My poor step dad was very sweet but anytime he corrected me, asked me to do anything or what have you, I cried or got huffy & he would go into a tail spin.
My mom explained that just because I was sensitive and hormonal did not mean that the rest of the world had to treat me differently. I had brothers, sisters, step brothers and a step dad who were NOT going to be punished or made to walk on egg shells just because I was having issues with my emotions. She explained to me that my emotions were something to work on controlling. I was 10 at the time with an absent BF (it was year 2 out of 12 of him having nothing to do with us kids), so I understand the abandonment issues but at the same time, I respect my mom for explaining it the way she did...she was right...the world doesn't change with you or treat you differently because you're emotional...YOU have to adjust and learn self control.
It's a tough situation though, good luck!
This is how I explaind it to
This is how I explaind it to my dd13 as well-9.5 to 11.5 were rough for her as well due to puberty. If myself or my dh looked at her in a certain way then her face would crumple up and she would cry. She would tell me she couldnt help it because she was on her period. I told her the world was not going to accommodate her and the sooner she realized that the better off she would be. She came out of it with an occassional backslide-in fact last night she had one. Dh was kidding around with her and she got mad and huffy with him. He nipped it in the bud immediately by raising his voice at her. I'm ok with that.
I do understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you want your daugter to have a closer relationship with your husband. You might want to be talking with your dd though about the need to respect him (and all of her elders) whether she is sensitive or not. Also, from your persepctive I would try to intervene as soon as possible and make sure your dd knows you support your husband and so that he feels you are supporting him 100%. Also if you stay on top of correcting her misbehaviors he wont need to.
The hardest and longest
The hardest and longest relationship to develop is the one between StepDad & Daughter. And at her age it is hard. My BD12 and BF have these types of issues also except no yelling. My exH also lives in another state so BD12 only see's him on school breaks. I can say that between the ages of 9-11 yrs old my BD was super duper sensitive and it even annoyed me -- 10 yrs old (5th grade) was the worst. I can't really say or give advice either way. It's like no one is right or wrong - it just is what it is. My SD -- is 12 yrs old also - so i had it double and there were just times that i wanted to bang their heads together. Haha.
I would ask your DH to definitely not yell. If there is an issue -- you may need to handle it until she goes thru this emotional phase. If DH needs to control a situation or deal with something he may want to think before he reacts. Sit SD/BD down and speak gentle to her. I am telling you ... I have no idea what it is with little girls these days at that age, but my BD (at 11) cried because i was nice and gave her a ride to school and i wasn't dropping her off at the right spot in the parking lot. I really wanted to pull my hair out
Oh cowgirl, so nice to know I
Oh cowgirl, so nice to know I am not the only one who had a daughter like this!! I too have felt frustrated by her emotions..and it is hard. And I understand DH's frustration, becuase it frustrates me too...but I guess it is the female in me, becuase I understand it and appreciate it more. Thank you so much for making not feel so alone in this!! I also have a SD7, almost 8. She is starting to get this way..and it is almost funy, because I warned DH, and he never thought she would act this way..hahahaha...game on! lol
No problem!!! My BF rarely
No problem!!! My BF rarely raises his voice (he is a pushover) but when his tone is even slightly off my BD12 would cry! It was so hard because i knew he wasn't in the wrong but BD was so sensitive and then would be mad at me for not protecting her?!? We are almost at the end of 6th grade and it has mellowed at least 50% .... so i wish you luck and LOTS of patience
Oh yeah - and don't forget that they (BD's)are ALWAYS right and will argue about everything!!!
Sound like this is borderline
Sound like this is borderline "friend" parenting by bio-mom here. The solution is probably somewhere in the middle - DH could probably soften his tone a little, but bio-mom definitely needs to help her kid toughen up.
Paul, I am very aware my
Paul,
I am very aware my daughter needs to toughen up..hell, her behavior irritates me a lot of the time. But there is only so much you can do when a little girl is going through puberty. have you been through puberty as a little girl? LOL it's nuts!! THat being said, I don't use that as an excuse to let her off the hook, etc., but I approach it differently, although still give her the same punishments and rules as the other kids in the house, but my approach is different. That is the part I am hving trouble getting through to DH. I am assuming you are a SD...Have you been through the little girl to woman stage with skids?? (BTW.it is different with your BIOS, becuase there isn't the insecurity there, they know you love them no matter what)
tjsmom, I am a step-father to
tjsmom,
I am a step-father to 2 step-kids. One is my SS20, who has never worked a day in his life, does not have a driver's licences, and dresses (and smells) like a bum. The other is my entitled SD17, who has no respect for me, my DW, or any other authority figure, except for her perfect bio-daddy. These kids turned out this way due to "friend" parenting by my DW (and SS's grandmother to some extent). This is why I take such a hard line on discipline issues - I have seen the results of permissive "friend" parenting, and it is disastrous. It simply does not work. Kids need discipline, structure, and consequences for misbehavior. My DW was so busy trying to be her kids' best friend that she didn't do much actual parenting, and now it is too late. I noted your mention of discipline for your kids, which is great. Just keep in mind, parenting is a slippery slope, and once you slide down the path of "friend" parenting, it is all over.
Paul, Sorry to hear about
Paul,
Sorry to hear about your SKIDS, and how they are. Like cowgirl responded to your reply, I am very hard on my duaghter, in fact, when DH and I got together, i gave my SKIDS a reality check, because I tolerate much less than their dad does. Even my emotional BD told them once "you might as well stop whining, that won't work with my mom". But, like cowgirl said, at this age, they are aliens! lol My daughter used to be tough also, nothing would face her, now, if you look at her wrong, or she even thinks you did, she is balling, and it drives me crazy!! I talk to DH about alternative ways to approach her, allowing her to count to 10 to calm herself, etc., and it is a topic of discussion with DH, but never does my BD hear me discuss her sensitivity and finding different approaches, I wouldn't do that, I don't want her and don't allow her to use it as a crutch. NOw, my SD7 (alost
this one will be more of a challenge..she is getting emotional now, but DH doesn't want to see it "that is my baby" and BM is a joke..and doesn't discipline...it makes it hard to justify him being a hard ass with my BD9 but making excuses for SD8. Ya know?
Paul .... this is seriously
Paul .... this is seriously something in the water phase. LOL.
When my BD was little - she almost beat up a boy twice her size. She also was running thru a parking lot, got trip and skidded across the pavement - she cried for about 30 seconds and kept playing. Now at 12, if she gets a scrap that i can barely see it's like someone just cut her finger off!!! I am a tough/mean parent. I have NO patience for that behavior. But i am telling you ... it's like they are aliens!!!!! I have NEVER babied my BD ... not even when she was a baby.
I hear ya cowgirl, I am not a
I hear ya cowgirl, I am not a "baby them" kind of mom either...i like the analogy that they are like aliens..that is so true!! I look at her and her behavior sometimes and I am like...who are you?? LOL Lord..give me patience to get through this...and simultaneously with my SD8...who my DH is in denial about..which makes this situation ten times harder. He sees the behavior in my kid, but not his own...I am not sure what to do about that!!
Something that my mother used
Something that my mother used on me when I got emotional over stupid stuff was "do you need a minute? go wash your face & come right back"...this DID NOT get me off the hook but made me take a breath & come back to reality so-to-speak.
Thats a good idea..i think i
Thats a good idea..i think i will start implimenting that at my house!! Thanks!