Dealing with the EX wife.....please help
I am new to StepTalk and I'm excited to hopefully get some good advice from others who have been through my situation. I am living with my boyfriend (and recently found out I'm pregnant) and he has part custody of his 7 year old daughter. We have her 3 nights per week and one weekend per month. Needless to say, he has to deal with his ex a lot and it is a constant stressful situation and I feel like I am in the middle of it. At the beginning, my boyfriend used to react harshly to his ex. I told him that it wasn't going to get him anywhere and to be calm when dealing with her. He is learning not to react immediately with her when she pulls her crap but I have now learned after being with him 6 months now, that she just loves to attack him and start stuff with him. And it's taking a toll on me and on our relationship. It's constant banter between the two of them and he doesn't want to get involved, but then she says something that sets him off. And because he gets upset, which I really can understand why, I get annoyed and upset (even though I try not to let it bother me). He has told her numerous times that he doesn't want to talk to her about anything other than his daughter and she says she wants the same, but that doesn't happen. His daughter loves me and we would love to get custody of her, but I do not ever foresee that happening. I would just like some advice on how we can both deal with his ex and be happy. Please help!
Many reasons. For one, his ex
Many reasons. For one, his ex constantly has various "male friends" around and it gets very confusing for his daughter. His ex would rather party, drink and be out with her friends than spend quality time with her daughter. She is one of the most selfish people I've ever met. She is very manipulative (I guess being a psychologist, she's become very good at it). There have been some health issues with his daughter that we've been able to help with (I'm REALLY into healthy eating and his ex feeds her restaurant food every day when she's with her - the ex wife doesn't cook). She doesn't do homework with her and his daughter has gotten some bad grades, so we've stepped up and set some homework rules to help her, which it has. Even though she doesn't like it (like every kid who doesn't like to do homework). There was a huge problem with discipline until we started setting boundaries, rules and consequences. Even though we're still not sure, and never will be sure, of what goes on in mommy's house. So to sum it up, we don't feel she cares enough about her daughter to give her the proper care and attention she needs. And we can give that to her.
He has told her that he only
He has told her that he only wants to talk about the child, so when the conversation turns to something other than the child, he:
-walks away
-hangs up
-hands you his phone so he isn't tempted to text message her back (you, of course, delete the text)
Our BM used to like to do the same sh1t b/c she knows FDH has a temper. He's never hit anyone and never would, but when he looses his temper, he runs his d@mn mouth and talks like he would. She does it purposely to get him to go off so that he looks like a jack@ss (and he does), and he used to fall for it every time. I finally started prompting him "hang up" when I'd hear him start to get aggrivated; it took him a while to actually start taking my advice.
Thank you and I agree. We
Thank you and I agree. We have been doing that for a couple of weeks now and it's somewhat working. It's more of like things that happened yesterday. Where we are supposed to drop his daughter off at 5pm and an hour before that we find out that his ex won't be there and we can't drop her off until 7pm. It is things like that where she takes advantage of us. What if we had other plans? It's more the principal and what the court order says is supposed to occur. And what's really funny is she constantly accuses him of changing days and times. But we've never done it last minute. We ask at least a week in advance if we know something comes up. So in yesterday's situation, we felt helpless. It was like it was completely OK for her to just tell us that, "NO. I won't be there. Drop her off when I am ready." It's totally unfair. And we don't have the money to go back to court like she does. So it's more than just berating messages and phones calls. She's so selfish, she doesn't care enough about her daughter and it's so frustrating for us to watch.
I agree with what someone
I agree with what someone said on your other post (at least I think it was yours) that when she said she wouldn't be there at the pre-arranged time, that's ok. CO says you are to drop her off at 5:00, so if she isn't there to take SD, then when she *is* ready, she can come get her from your home. And if she brings up that he's "always" changing things, that's when he needs to point out that he always gives her at least a week's advance notice as opposed to finding out at the last minute.
I agree he needs to control
I agree he needs to control the conversation. There should be very little discussing going on anyways. I'll be there at 7 to pick sd up. End of conversation.
The ex isn't your problem,
The ex isn't your problem, your BF is. He is the one who makes the choice to respond the texts and take part in the conversations. It's hard to believe that a psychologist isn't concerned/involved in her child's education. What do you do for a living? How many women did your BF date before you two became a couple? How many of them did is daughter meet? Just because they eat out often, doesn't mean they aren't eating healthy foods.
Although this is really your
Although this is really your BF's problem and not yours (not a slam to you, just something that a lot of us who have been SMs for a while have learned), I would advise you to advise HIM to document every time the ex goes against the Court Order.
That helped us tremendously. We got a Contempt of Court fine against the ex because of this. Although the fine was only $500, it was worth it because:
Before that, ex would take my H back to court every year if not more
After that, she never took him back to court again! She was too scared once he grew a pair and realized what his father's rights were!