Stepson Needs to Grow Up
I am so glad I found this board. My stepson is 23 and moved in over 4 years ago after living with his dad for his first 19 years. His dad and his dad's family lied their way through court to get sole custody when he was much younger and have been nothing but a pain in our life until about 6 years ago.
When he got here, he was all open arms and doing whatever to help. That honeymoon ended after about 6-8 months. All efforts to get his car up here failed. He finally secured a job after about a year and a half of doing nothing but sitting around, smoking weed and playing Xbox. I thought it might be a good idea to play it easy so he could get used to being with his mom. During his tenure during that job he decided to move out and in with a friend of his. Of course, he still had no car. After about 6 months, he lost his job for being unreliable and eventually moved back in.
Since then he has made a few good strides, like going to school and found another job. The job was great for him because the hours fit his gaming needs since he is a night owl. So it took him 3 years to finally enroll in school. He eventually lost this great job, for again, be slack and unreliable.
He was able to collect unemployment for 10 months until the state said, "no more". In the 10 months of being unemployed he didn't save a dime of it towards the purchase of a car. He also donated plasma regularly for a few bucks here and there. This year, my wife and I agreed that it was time to pay rent. We agreed on $125/month. Pretty good amount if you ask me, for a roof over his head, food, privacy, access to his mom's car. That lasted from Feb - May of this year. During that time he made no effort, besides applying on line, to find a job. Never got called in for any interviews. Never showed his face anywhere. Just assumed that applying online is all there is to seeking employment. I advised him to be more assertive. I believe he heard me and decided about a month or so later to go out one day and show his face. Mind you, he finally only did it because we pissed him off by asking what his plans were for the week. He actually wrote down his plan for that day, although it was 3 hours off. I think he was on Pacific time.
Very recently, he got upset at us because I went in and installed some remote control software on all the PC's in our house. I built them all from the ground up and installed it so I didn't have to run around between all 3 floors to fix a problem if one was brought up. Wife and daughter were fine. He saw it as us spying. He actually wrote a ranting note about we are invading his privacy, and that now we have rally pissed him off. Of course, he put in any effort to write, or talk to me will be greeted with his wrath. His exact words were "rip us a new one".
So he lives rent free, we pay for his food, air, power, water and a room. I am confused. What could we possibly be spying on him about? His love life? He has none because he sits on his ass all day doing nothing and like most 23 year old boys looks at porn. Do I care? No. He is a 23 year old boy. Would I spy on him playing World of Warcraft? Hmmm... No... Facebook? Don't care. The only thing worth seeing him do is whether or not he is making any effort to seek employment. That would be boring. On top of that I work 50 hours a week, mostly at home. Help with everything around the house, work out in the yard, play in a band, and have somewhat of a social life. Yet he is pissed because we invaded his privacy. Upon reading his note, I was stewing. (8 AM) I eventually banged like Thor on his bedroom door and said, "OK, I'll play, come on out and rip me a new one. I'm waiting." I waited and waited. My wife finally came down because I had woken her from a deep sleep.
She asks what's going on and I hand her his note and tell her, I am done with being nice. All he could do was bitch about our so called spying. Whoa is me. Let me just give one more excuse as to why I am a fat, lazy, mooch of a kid. Since then I have cut off his internet access and he continually hides in his room stewing in his own anger and disappointment.
The only thing left here is for his mom to set him straight because I am obviously the enemy.
Regards,
The super nice stepdad
I think you are way to nice.
I think you are way to nice. He really needs to find his own place. Now he feels like what is your's is his. Everything in the house he is basically entitled to. Maybe you need to sit down with your wife and talk about how things like internet, cable TV, food and rent do not just fall out of the sky. Maybe if you set up a time frame for him to get a job (or two if the first one is not enough) and tell him to get his own place. Ultimately if the job does not work out you may have to say "no" to him moving back. Scary but i am sure he has friends he can crash with right? And... more than likely his "friends" will not be so supportive of a deadbeat sitting on his butt all day eating all of their food.
It's a funny thing, I have a SS that is now 36. He has lost jobs and moved back and forth back home to mommy. Each year he gets more and more lazy and now he has officially been unemployed for 3 years. He has very little to do with us since my husband had to cut him off and stop sending him "bail out" money every other month. How do you not have a job for 3 years?
I understand the economy is bad but there is always work right? Mcdonalds, Burger King, construction, landscaping, etc. He can find something. If you do not shove him out the door and give him an untimatum, your wife will be in the same boat as my hubbies EX.
I put my foot down, i said under no circumstances is he moving here and sleeping all day. Husband backs me up. There comes a point where you have to shit or get off the pot right. 24, now is the time!!!
Thank you both for your
Thank you both for your feedback. I turned off his internet so mow he blasts his beatbox music through his tinny speakers. Yes I meant tinny, not tiny. Just like him, no balls. Maybe I should cut off power to that part of the house. We have set several time frames with him, all of which have been met and then slacked off after 2-3 months. Like I said, there is a honeymoon period and then back to the same old shit.
His friends have been riding him for a while. He has had several friends move from where they all grew up in So. Florida to up here in NC. So he has a so called support network of friends, but he chooses to be a loner. His closest friends who moved up here all go to school, work and live on their own.
What's even funnier is that he said he can't move out soon enough in his hate letter to us. Yet he sits on his ass the past 2 days doing nothing but sulking. I might have to go out and buy some party favors for a pity party.
And in this case, 23 is a boy. When he grows up and becomes independent we can talk about him being a man.
He is plenty old enough to be
He is plenty old enough to be responsibible for his own life. You and his BM are not doing him any favors enabling him. There is no way any kid is living in this house if they are not in college and working. You are making it too easy for him.
The enabling has stopped. He
:sick: The enabling has stopped. He has nothing to do. No cable in his room, no internet. Just a boatload of sulking. I would have thought he'd learned from his deadbeat dad, that live doesn't just get handed to you on a silver platter.
Good for you. I would take
Good for you. I would take every convenience out of his life. If he is miserable maybe he will leave...Is your wife backing you up?
Yes she is. Thanks.
Yes she is. Thanks.
Wow, these freaking "kids"
Wow, these freaking "kids" are AMAZING! I will never forget my dad's response when I quit college...I told him when the semester began in January...
Me: Dad, I really want a job...I don't like what I'm studying and don't know what to do...
Dad: You really shouldn't quit, but that's your choice...I know you probably won't return because most who quit, don't return (he was right!)
Me: Well, I will return someday, just not now...
Dad: OK, here's the deal...you have ONE WEEK to have a job, any job...
Me: Dad, I still have my part-time daycare job I have had since I was 14!...but I am asking for extra hours and looking for a full-time real job with insurance
Dad: Good...
Two months later...
Me: Next week I start at X company...I will work full-time, and have health insurance paid for by the company...but will have to work 6PM-3AM w/Mon & Tue off for a while
Dad: Good for you
That was in 1989...I worked there until 2009
My dad would have never tolerated the crap you guys do for these darn kids...ever...or my mom. PS - once I quit school, I was responsible for ALL my extras...I was given a roof over my head, NO CAR (I had to buy my first car without ANY HELP from my parents) and food...period.
If your wife doesn't get him out, you and she will be supporting this lazy kid for years to come.
PS - making a lazy person miserable is NOT enough...you have to put a time limit of do X by this day or GET OUT! That's what my dad would have done...not just make my life boring...sigh
I had a similar conversation
I had a similar conversation with my mom when I was 19. My parents were divorced, so my sister and I lived with her. My stepfather was and still is very well off. Commitment to my mom in 1988 was that I was moving out on such and such date, whether I had a place to go to or not and she stuck to her guns. Stepdad backed her up. I wasn't given any handouts. Today, kids think they are entitled to everything.
BTW, almost 25 years later, I am successful in the Information Technology profession, I make more annually than my sister and stepsister, both with doctorates, and my stepbrother, who has his college degree.
That being said, I don't car of my stepson decides to work full time for the rest of his life. Just get the hell off your ass and do it. I am giving him until Sept. 1 and then he is out.
Of course he is still sleeping right now, 9 AM. Sulking once again.
I had to go back and re-read
I had to go back and re-read your post to make sure I read it right. He is your step son. Good for you, and good for your wife for allowing you the lattitude to parent in your own home. I've heard horror stories from people who have to put up with thier 'Step Kids' antic's because the kids use emotional blackmail to divide and conquer the couple. Pit the parent against the step-parent and thus wreak havoc in the marriage. However, the both of you sound like you are operating on an even playing field. One might say, if you tossed the "Step" reference aside you were talking about your biological child together.
And boy oh boy does this make a huge difference. It makes a difference because then you are truly "Parenting" and trying to work an issue together, instead of having the problem clouded with a whole hell of other ka-ka.
I'm with you. Cut them off and figure out what motivates them. My DH, bless his heart, said.."She's 18.. what do you want me to do, I can't control her." Are you kidding me? The car is in his name. The cell phone is in his name. She's attached to his wallet. There are tonz of ways to control and motivate her. Simply, start cutting her off, and keep going until she feels the pinch. I was raised in a home where you give.. and you got. Give... take. The big bad ass world is pretty much set up the same way. If I did chores and did as I was asked, I got to borrow the car and maybe even some walk about money. Did I call myself a servant??? a slave?? NO... I was an entreprenuer. I figured out pretty quickly the more I did... the easier life was. I figured out that "I" controlled my destiny. Life could be easy... or it could quickly turn to hell. I chose the path of least resistance and it paid off in spades. I'm raising my girls the same way. His D18 ? has a sense of entitlement. Give me, give me, give me. And you get a whole hell of nothing in return. She's moved on 6 months ago. And quickly figuring out she can't do it. She's got a part time job that doesn't pay anything unless she has clients. And the other job is part time at a fast food joint. (She frequently posts about how she's bustin her behind working 2 jobs. Kid hasn't even tasted life yet to know what busting ass is.. and you actually have to be making money to claim you have two jobs. One of them is more like a hobby than a job.) Currently.. She's living with her BF, and sponging of his parents home. This will be short lived unless they are complete fools. Recently she's figured out that, "oh my, insurance on my very expensive foreign car is expensive and my cell phone with internet connection is how much? but I already work 32 hours at XYZ job." I'll just bet that being on her own.. (somewhat) is cutting into her social life as well. Concerts and going out cost money.. and you ahve to make choices on do I eat this week or do I go to a concert..Well.. Welcome to the real world kid.
Good luck with your Step-son... I think you are on the right track. You can ill afford to watch him do nothing with his time. Now is the time to seize the day. I do believe the saying is true, "Youth is wasted on the young." What I wouldn't give to have that kind of engery and that much life ahead of me.
Thanks. The sad thing is
Thanks. The sad thing is that he has no social life. When he does go out, he ends up either spending money he made donating plasma, or I am sure his sympathetic friends pay his way. Notice the word "pathetic" is embedded in that word.