i wish i woulda known all along,

i am now 19 years old..
i've known my fiance since i was 14.

but at first i never took him seriously, obviously we loved each other but i didnt love him as much as he loved me at the time..
i was too focused on myself and didnt want to be tied down to someone because i was still young..

well within the time i was gone.. he got a girl pregnant..
no one in his family even liked her and wanted nothing to do with her..
she had the worst attitude and tried to boss my fiance around and was always nagging and so annoying.

they weren't even together for a full year when she got pregnant and as soon as he wanted to finally break it off.. she told him she was pregnant..

i called him around the end of September..
we talked every now and then just to make sure we're doing alright..

well.. he didnt tell me she was pregnant..
my cousin knew before me and told me..

i asked him if it was true and he told me yes..
i was so crushed and wondered how can he do this to me.. why would he want a baby from some one else if even though we weren't together.. we obviously still loved each other..

he told me he doesnt want to be in that childs life, she deserves a father that can love her and take care of her.. no child should be left alone.. but he just couldnt deal with the fact of having anything to do with his daughters mother..
but i didnt want anything to do with him.. i couldnt deal with the fact of him having someone elses baby.. i wanted nothing to do with him or them.. i felt like i was out of the picture for good now.. obviously he was upset.. he cried and right away he broke up with her when she was 2 months pregnant, i told him i couldnt be the reason to break up a family..

but her made it clear to me, that regardless there wouldnt be a family, there never was.. it was a mistake and it would be better off to stay away from them because he wouldnt want his daughter confused of her father in and out of her life so he thought it'll be best to stay away.. he said he wanted to leave her even before she thought she was pregnant, but she was those psychotic people that threaten the person if they leave them so you have to feel bad for the girl.. that was his mistake.. to stay, causing her to believe a baby will make things better.. but actually it made it worst..

it took some time.. but he proved to me he really wanted me.. so i just couldnt say no.. this actually brought us closer together.. we learned to communicate and poured out all the feelings we kept inside while we were apart.. he never stopped loving me.. he felt he had to let me go, just so that i can soon realize how badly i needed him.. and i did !!

now my fiance hasn't even seen his daughter.. and he claims he doesnt even want to.. he says when the baby is older then he cant say no but as of now he doesnt even want to look for her..

his babys mother does look for him once in a while and still communicates with my fiances mother.. of course any grandmother wants to know their grandchild..
she is all drama and always talks bad about me for breaking up the "family" but my fiance has made it clear he wants nothing to do with her..

she has become obsessed over me i think.. shes made a fake facebook and talked a whole bunch of smack about me and supposably that my fiance still loves her and will soon leave me to be with his family..

ive tried to be civil with her.. i can not be her friend.. but i understand we do have to respect each other..
but she said nope, there is no point.. her daughter will never meet her future brothers and sisters ..
she clearly said she doesnt want them around her.. and i was obviously offended..

believe it or not.. i was the one that had to practically beg my fiance to call his daughters mother, atleast just so they can be civil and not have to deal with things through court..
if it were up to him he wouldnt even take the time to see how daughter is doing..
at first i had sympathy for the poor girl cuz no woman deserves to be alone and pregnant i waisted my time even trying to be nice to her.. she offended me, harassed me, and told me all these reasons of why i am a slut..
so ever since then.. i have no longer mentioned her or even bothered to have him contact her.. i can care less about her and dont even want anything to do with her..

my fiance has made it clear to me this is the way it should be.. just me and him and no one else, not until we have a family of our own..

i just want to figure out how to deal with all this..
i still suffer from pain and jealousy knowing he has someone elses baby..
he has no parental rights to the child and wants nothing to do with her but i am still not over it obviously and cry all the time about this.. even though he hasnt met her yet or even mentions her let alone think about her.. it is still painful knowing im in this situation..

i hope someday i find peace within me and stop feeling guilty about this..
i always think about if i never left him.. this innocent father-less child wouldnt even be here..
meaning all the pain and stress wouldnt be here either.