F/U to His kids have issues with my son.....New Info
A little more back ground and stuff............
We've been together for 8 months now. He has a good job, administration at a multi million dollar corp near here. He is a good man and I truly love him deeply. Actually plan to marry him someday. Every aspect of our relationship is as good as it gets with the exception of his kids and previous family. Here are the issues. I'll try to make them clear and concise.
1. He let his ex stick him with a house and ginormous house payment that makes it where he can barely pay his bills and expenses every month. This leaves it up to me to pay all of the bills at my house (where we are now living) and buy the groceries, personal items, etc. I have a good job, no, a GREAT job, and I can afford it, but that's not the point. His kids expect that when they are with us we should lavishly entertain them. He does it!!! That breaks him to the point that I end up having to give him gas/expense money at the end of the month. Of course, I stay on him about this. And have made some headway. My house is in the country, 45 mins away from any expensive activities, so with us living here now, "expensive outings" don't happen nearly as frequently. I plan to keep it this way. If he can't prioritize taking me to dinner because "he can't afford it" then I damn sure won't allow it to happen with them. We have his house up for sale, but with the housing market being so sucky right now, it's just sitting there continuing to cost us money.
2. He had surgery yesterday, gall bladder removal, and not a single one of the kids called to check on him. Still haven't. It doesn't involve an indulgence for them, they aren't interested. He has nothing to offer them right now, they don't want to be involved.
3. Here's what is really bothering me now.....His phone is normally unlocked. I've looked at his calls, texts, etc, and never found anything with the exception of him making excuses to the kids for reasons he can't get them on weekends. (When we first started this relationship he had them every weekend. I told him I was breaking everything off if he continued this. He's been working 14-16 hrs a day Mon-Sat, so I never see him and his only day off he was bringing home these brats. No time for me!! That's a deal-breaker. Finally I had my fill and put my foot down.)So, on his phone, I previously found texts of him making this excuse or that excuse for why he couldn't get them "this weekend." I don't understand why he doesn't just be honest and tell them that he's only planning to have them once a month from now on. So.....yesterday when he was in surgery, he left his phone with me. My nosy ass was going to snoop, but he had put a code on there, so i couldn't. What's he hiding? I know he's not cheating, I've checked up on him, plus he doesn't have the time. And he's not left the house now for over a week unless he was with me, because he's been sick. I'm not sure how to handle this. Obviously there is something on there that he doesn't want me to see. What could it be? From my point of view I have nothing to hide, so it's all right there, open book. This is driving me crazy, but I won't say anything yet, because he's hurting, sore, and still drugged from the surgery.
Any and all advice helps.......
And, if I find him hiding something from me or lying to me about something, I'm asking him to leave. And......if this crap with his DNA samples don't get better, He's outta here too!!
Addendum....... I don't want
Addendum.......
I don't want to invade his privacy at all, but here is some history re:#3........
At one time I had his email password and he wasn't aware of it. He rec'd a email from his ex wanting money for school clothes. He told me about this. This is why I logged on. I wanted to know what his response was to her. He sent her back a message asking what the kid needed, that he would see what he could sell to come up with the money to help out. But..........when I asked what his response was to her, he lied to me and told me he had not responded at all to her. I h=gave him 20 + chances to fess up to sending her a reply and he didn't. So I busted him out. Told him I knew that he had, because I had been on his email. There was a HUGE fight and he changed his password the next day. Then there was a fight about that.
He's drugged in bed right now, I'm tempted to go get his phone and see if he has removed the code. But I'm afraid he'll be aware enough to know I took it.
So according to the CO when
So according to the CO when is he supposed to get his kids?
The court order doesn't
The court order doesn't specify. It just says something to the extent of arrangements will be made between the parents for the bio son. The other two aren't biologically or adoptive his, so there is nothing court-wise about them.
There are alot of issues
There are alot of issues here. Does your BS live with you full time (can't find your previous post)? Seeing his kids only once a month is probably very hard on him. My DH and I have jobs that also sometimes require us to work ridiculous hours and I can understand you want to spend as much time with him as possible. However, he probably feels guilty that he is choosing you over his children and just doesn't want them to feel second best.
On the other side, I can also relate the frustration of him not telling the whole truth. My DH sometimes "leaves out details" of things and it drives me crazy. He tells me he doesn't think they are important enough to tell me or that he forgot. I honestly don't think he does it maliciously, but it drives me up the wall. We have had a talk about it and he has opened up alot, especially when it comes to his feelings about his kids. Maybe he feels you are resentful and doesn't feel comfortable discussing these things with you?
Also, if his house is just sitting there, what are your thoughts on renting it out?
He's lying about the visits
He's lying about the visits to keep from hurting his kids.
The truth is you forced him to decrease the amount of time he spends with them.
In 8 short months he has picked you and your daughter (if she lives with you)over his kids.
Each of these is a response
Each of these is a response to your numbered post.
1. He needs to man up and not rely on you. I'm glad you have stopped most of this. Flat out, he should be told "If you can't afford to carry some of your weight in this house, plus deal with the trouble house you got yourself in to, then you CANNOT overindulge your children. Your mistakes in managing your money will not be my responsibility.
2. Not surprising
3. Try a skids birthday. Don't make too many tries or it will lock the phone. I bet its a skid birthday. I check SO's too. That's where I see him telling them he cries when he drops them off :sick:
He isn't going to give them a boundary about coming because of the "I dont' want to make them feel unwelcome" bullshit. Plus, if its just once a month that is really not very much. How can he tell his kids I can only see you once a month without being hurtful??? I can see you having 1-2 free weekends a month and making it even. He will continue to lie to spare their feelings.
As for why its passworded now, you can drive yourself nuts on that one. If you have a history then it probably is because he doesn't want in his phone too. It may not be for anything specific. If you left the phone in a way he didn't leave it, and he noticed it, then he figured out you were looking.
Sometimes the passcodes don't activate right away (depending on the settings). If its only been 5 minutes and he leaves the room... maybe its still "open"
Otherwise, I figured my SO's out just by looking over his shoulder a few times casually. I never had an interest in looking, but after I happen to see what it was, I looked. It helps to have an idea of what is coming when you aren't always told everything.
One more thing, as far as lying to you when you saw the email. The one thing I always said is that if I catch something in an email or text that is a lie you can't use it. Otherwise, you lose access and you lose trust from them. Its better to "catch" them in a different way.
I can't get mad about something that I find in a deceitful manner (unless its really super bad).
My son is 10, his dad passed
My son is 10, his dad passed away when he was 20 months old. So, he does live with me full time. And will continue to live with me full time. This is his home. This is his future inheritance.
If his kids would behave and be respectful it would be easier for me.
This really is a dealbreaker for me. I'd rather be alone than with someone and extremely unhappy when his kids are around.
Why should I be miserable every weekend? I work hard! And deserve to be able to relax on my weekends. I'm not willing to give in to this.
I don't care if he feels the resentment. Only one of these kids are biologically his, so why should I have to deal with his ex's bad DNA?
Because of work, he never spends any time with me. If I were getting what I need from him, I might feel better about being invaded by these monsters occasionally.
To maintain the life we have made for us here at my home, I am footing the bill. His money is all going to the credit card debt that he let his ex accrue and the house he bought for her, that she stuck him with during the divorce. For every 10.00 being spent for us to live, I am footing 9.99 of it.
Right or wrong, I am not willing to continue this the way it has been going.
here is the previous post link http://www.steptalk.org/node/49578
Why are you with this man?
Why are you with this man?
Yep, the money thing would
Yep, the money thing would have me completely at my limit. Let alone not getting any time with him.
I'm sorry about your loss. I lost my husband in 2007.
Is anyone on my side here?
Is anyone on my side here?
Birth Control is a concept that many people should adopt if they aren't in a dedicated, stable relationship!!
I read this and all I see are
I read this and all I see are problems in your relationship.
One, this "man" has decided to see his kids one day a month because of you. Unbelievable. Men with no balls make me sick.
Two, you went into his email. Violation of trust.
Three, you went into his phone. Violation of trust.
Four, you can't wait for me to snap out of his surgery stupor so you can climb all over his ass about putting a code on his phone.
Do you NOT see this is a recipe for a doomed relationship?? Trust goes both ways. Leave the poor guy alone. Damn.
I'm usually pretty laid back,
I'm usually pretty laid back, but I'm gonna have to agree with this on all points. It sounds as though you do not trust him and are not willing to put up with his children. I would say cut your losses and move on.
Maybe I should have given you
Maybe I should have given you all one more piece of information.......
I raised a step-daughter (age 22 now) from 4 years old. She is and will always be my daughter, no biology needed. I guess what I'm saying is that I am not just an evil step-mother. I am a very reasonable person, but I demand deserved respect and will not be "ran over."
If he doesn't like what I have to say, he has free-will and can leave at anytime.
He won't leave you (yet).
He won't leave you (yet). Right now he's free to settle his debts while you foot the bills for the home. You don't trust him and don't want his kids around. Why would he stick around once his house is sold his debts are paid?
I'm not stupid! I'm not
I'm not stupid!
I'm not getting "nothing" out of the situation.....
My entire house is being completely remodeled at only the cost of materials......that's a huge savings.
As I said before, he's a grown man, if he wants to leave he can at any time. However, this is my life and I make the rules.
His kids act and expect just like his ex. The only reason he has anything to do with them is because he feels that society expects him to do so. Truth is they get on his nerves as bad as they do mine.
If he leaves when all is bills are paid and the house sells, so be it. I'll chalk it up to a little "paying it forward." And I'll hang out until the next one comes along. If he doesn't want to be here, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until the one who does want to spend a lifetime here comes along.
Some of you must think I'm a real dumbass!
The way I see it, that's the
The way I see it, that's the way a woman should be. Its my house I make the rules.
Who called you dumb? To be
Who called you dumb?
To be honest I think he's a dumb ass for allowing you to decide how often he will see he kids, when/if he can take them out and deal with the lack of trust.
But dealing with all of that helps him get out of the hole quicker.
If he can afford it, he can
If he can afford it, he can do anything he wants. He isn't buying the groceries to feed their gorging asses, he isn't paying the utility bills that allows them to lay around on their lazy asses on my new leather couch (that I paid for BTW) and watch my big screen tv (I paid for that as well). I certainly had nothing to do with the financial situation he allowed himself to be put in. If he can't afford to pay for any of their necessities while they are here, he should not be allowed to lavish them with more things he can't afford. If it weren't for me, he'd be eating SPAM SANDWICHES every meal. So, when he digs himself out of this hole he allowed himself to be put in, he can make the decisions. Until then, I wear the pants in this family, and if he wants to get in them, he will adhere to what I say goes, or he himself can go.
Now, Disneyfan, kindly take your nasty nay-saying self to someone else's post. I've had all of your advice I need.
kurleysue- be glad you are
kurleysue-
be glad you are not married to this man-you have the option to get out of the relationship; I would.
IMHO, sounds like your FDH/BF is afraid of being alone and/or wants someone to take care of him and his kids. PLEASE DON"T BE THAT PERSON! And besides, if you have some trust issues with him, your looking at a very difficult road ahead; and possibly a divorce if you do marry. Good luck, and I wish I could be more helpful....