I'm numb from sadness
I've been lurking on this site for a lil while. I never felt the need to post becuase my boyfriends kids are wonderful and both baby mamas are OK, too. In fact, I sometimes think that my boyfriend is the most unreasonable person in the equation. He can't accept that both baby mamas have SO's that the kids love, and that love the kids. It's like he feels intimidated by these men and worries that the kids will turn to them instead of my boyfriend. BF and I have been together for 9 months, but were friends for 5 months before dating.
Anyway, he is taking baby mama number 1 back to court for 50/50. And he has a lot of house projects that need done. I've noticed that he has been a lil distant and not wanting to talk to me about things, so last week I suggested we take a break. He panicked and begged me to stay, smothering me with "I love u". Since that talk, I have spent 2 overnights with him and things were great. I went home after breakfast one morning and several hours later he sent me a text that said "Nope". I responded: "u texted the wrong person"....to which he replied...."Listen (my name), this isn't working out. I don't love you. don't call me ever again."
And that is is. I haven't heard from him since then. I did try to call him, but he isn't picking up. What could it be? I'm so pissed right now!! The kids were starting to become really comfortable with me and vice versa. I've gladly spent a lot of my money on them for toys, bikes, etc. How could he love me one day and then BOOM. And the way he broke up with me was so cowardly and childish (he is 33). I'm so sunk. I lost my virginity to him (late bloomer) and I gave this relationship my all. Was I just a big joke to him the entire time? Did he find someone else? I may have been clingy - I don't have any friends or family near me. Ugggh.
anyway, thanx for listening.
Sounds like it was for the
Sounds like it was for the best. He is an ass and you do not have to deal with two BM's. Ugh! I can not imagine two of mine. That would be awful. Move on darling and find a nice guy without children...
Right now all the why's are
Right now all the why's are going through your head. I can tell you that whatever the reason, its really his problem not yours. I don't see where you do anything wrong here.
Whatever happened, has to do with him. He sounds very immature and unable to be adult about some things. To break up over text??? To be jealous of BM's SO's???
I agree with previous posters. Bullet= dodged.
The next man with kids you consider dating will also have problems. Look for one without kids. I know it doesn't feel good now, but Happy Freedom to you!!!
The only thing I can think of
The only thing I can think of is that I really stepped up to the plate..... and maybe it freaked him out?? We had a discussion once about what my role is to his kids now and if we get married. I was so confused before this discussion. He basically said he wants someone who is very involved. Soooo, I started to become the super girlfriend to him and I began to bond more with his kids. Maybe it was just too much??
he rarely called me when we weren't together. He had a rule of "no more than 3 texts per day" per person when we weren't together. But he swore up and down that he loved me and wanted me to be a part of his life. He told me 2 weeks ago that he has a physical, emotional and spiritual connection to me.....ugggh.
Oh ok i see. He wanted u at
Oh ok i see. He wanted u at his convenience. He isn't ready for a real relationship. Not your fault. I am sorry.
I have an urge to text him
I have an urge to text him about how small his package is. So pissed right now!!!!! But I will refrain.
And I suppose this was a red flag after reading some of these posts. He and BM number 2 are in constant contact when he has their child (Th-Sun). And when she has the kid, boyfriend texts and calls her a lot. It's little things like "what did he have for lunch" or "what did u guys do today", etc. The child is 4, so I could see where they were coming from. I'd probably be the same way if I had my own kids, but sometimes it's nonstop. Also, bf got a lil pissed because her SO showed up at his son's Preschool graduation without the BM consulting my bf about it first. He said to me "it would have been respectful if she asked me if he can come. I'll always ask her if it's ok for you to come to events like that... it's only respectful." I questioned what he will say if BM says that I can't come and he replied "she wont say that." I dunno. I guess I will be fine without him.
Hahahahahaha!!!!! First of
Hahahahahaha!!!!! First of all, major ((((HUGS)))) to you! I know it stings now, but be glad you haven't invested any more time and energy into him.
Bid his baby mamas and his baby dick adieu!!!
Ohhh what a lucky escape you
Ohhh what a lucky escape you had! He sounds controlling, limiting texts? Not calling? DO NOT call him, he will consider that as a weakness that he could exploit. Let the whole thing wash over you, go get a nice hot shower, a big fluffy towel and sweet clean sheets and sleep it off!! Wake up refreshed and ready to start a whole new day just for YOU.
Hey, you show him how lucky you really are and get yourself out there and do whatever you feel like doing. If he ever calls you be polite but tell him you are really busy right now and can it wait?
Side note...how many of us ended up married to our 'first'?
I am so sorry he hurt you
I am so sorry he hurt you like this and that he treated you with such disrespect
No wonder you are feeling confused and are experiencing conflicted emotions over your relationship and how he ended things.
I appreciate it that it probably doesnt feel like it right now, but the other posters are right - there are massive alarm bells ringing over how your ex bf would act and his attitude to things and tbh this hurt you are experiencing now is likely to be significantly less than the hurt you would feel in the long run, because your ex has so many issues which would affect you. We say this because many of us have experienced this for ourselves and it can be tortureous to be with someone you love and to have them hurt you through their inability to be attentive to you, your relationship and not respect what a balanced healthy relationship should be due to their many hang ups!
Read over with an impartial eye over what you have written on this thread - you lost your virginity to this man, gave him and his children your all (something he strongly encouraged you to do), supported him and tried to give him some space when you felt he needed it. He is 33 and had a set number of texts he would send?!! OMG :jawdrop: How old is he emotionally...12?!! When you are in love with someone and in the first flushes of romance you texts/call regularly without counting!! So not only was he controlling, he was insecure and jealous - some jealousy issues when another man is on the scene is normal, because it must be difficult for a parent to have to *share* your child with another person however your sense should over ride this emotion hopefully. He was insecure with you and gave you mixed messages, basically a user for when it was convenient for him! Then to not have the balls to tell you to your face why its over and to treat you decently tells you exactly how he would have been should you have remained together - the courtesy and respect you demonstrated to him was not reciprocated and wouldnt have been! He evidentally hasnt considered you and your feelings in any of this and you deserve better.
Just be warned he doesnt crawl back to you at some point, he may do. Personally I wouldnt have him back because all that tells him is that its ok to treat you like this and it really isnt. Just because he has children and has court cases going on is NO excuse to treat you like a common hooker with no feelings. You are no possession to be used and considering he took your virginity I would have thought he would have had the decency to talk things through with you maturely. Shame on him I say.
Stay strong and try and make some new friends to take your mind off of this. Good luck!
I did not end up married to
I did not end up married to my "first" for which I am thankful!
You definitely dodged a bullet. It will take you time to see this as you are heartbroken right now, but please please please don't act on any impulses to contact him. One thing I've learned about men...they HATE being ignored. If you really want to get under his skin, don't react at all to him. Ignore any texts or calls, if he does that. This man had two kids with two different mothers. He has mega baggage that you do not need. It sounds like you are a wonderful, giving person with a big heart. Give that to somebody who deserves it and will give it back. Hopefully that man will not have kids!
{{{{Hugs}}}} Hang in there...you will feel better!!!
Consider yourself lucky to
Consider yourself lucky to have escaped! He sounds like he is not over BM#2 at all. He sounds like the male version of my BM. He is jealous that BM#2 has boyfriends and they are involved in his kids lives. Something is not right with him, just too many bad vibes about him.
I know you're in pain because you tried whole heartedly to love and please him. It sounds as if you went all out to change yourself to make the relationship work. Love does not require anyone to change. Love is the "cherry on top of the sundae" it's what enhances you as a person and makes a dynamic couple.
He sounds as if he see's the grass as always being greener somewhere else. When he gets there he finds out he's not happy. He hasn't figured out that the problem lies with him, not outside of him.
Keep your chin up. Whoever gets you will be lucky to have you. Hang in there...one day at a time!
yea, that is what I asked him
yea, that is what I asked him once. He assured me that he is in NO way attracted to her as a person or physically. That if they didn't have a child together, he wouldn't talk to her at all.
Last week he told he that he "accidently" sent a text to her that was intended for me. Ummm, but I kinda think he did it on purpose. The text apparently said "I can't wait to see you tonight. I love you babe." She responded back to him with a "I think that must have been for someone else." I wonder if he wanted a reaction from her. Anyway, or, maybe it was an innocent mistake.
When sending texts it does
When sending texts it does ask you to put the name or the number in of the recipient...no way could I mastake DH's number or name unless I had another person of that name in my listing? I call bullshit on that one! If he was responding to a text from her then she would be the immediate recipient...hmmmmmm this guy is screwed up...he'll end up just plain SCREWED! Forget him and his 'mistakes', innocent or not.
I'm starting to realize that
I'm starting to realize that he is the one screwed up, not me. I kept blaming myself for everything since the brutal breakup yesterday. I kept thinking that he has a LOT going on and maybe I demanded too much attention. But now I am starting to see the light.
I just hope he does come crawling back so I can turn him down. I want him to see how wonderful I really was and feel pain. There is NO way that he will end up happy longterm if he and BM work things out - she cheated on him and is still with the guy (3 years later).I've never had any probs with her, but this is a small community and people tell me how she is not right in the head.
And if he is seeing someone else, I hope it doesn't last. The odds of it lasting are slim to none, really.
I just hope he ends up alone and miserable. Yep.
I married my first. I know it
I married my first. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but consider yourself very fortunate.
Take some time to heal, and then work on making YOURSELF the partner who you want to be with. Then, you'll likely attract someone who complements that!
Isn't it awful how we get
Isn't it awful how we get hurt because of someone elses stupidity....
No, it isn't you unless you did something awful.
Here are some Boyfriend Red Flag guidelines I have noticed...
1) More than one ex with whom he shares children. And extra huge red flags for insecurities.
2) Wants you to love his kids and be 'involved'. He should have you involved to enhance HIS life and not become an unpaid babysitter he sleeps with.
3) Allows you to spend money on his kids. Or doesn't offer to pay you back. Or encourages you to spend money on his kids of a massive amount. Bikes and video games.
4) Has had many LTRs/ intimate relationships where his children are involved with the other party.
5) Accepts you stepping in and doing chores around his home on a regular cycle. It is not YOUR job as 'girlfriend' to do his kids laundry.
Others may have something to add. And PLEASE, do not go back to him despite his pleading (and he will). You will probably end up as the booty call/babysitter.
I keep picturing him as happy
I keep picturing him as happy as a clam, with another woman, not thinking about me at all. And I can't help but wonder....what was so bad about me.
it still sux.
(((Big HUG)) to you
(((Big HUG)) to you leftfield! There isn't a damned thing wrong with you. It just appears that you were a matter of convenience for this schlep; and you deserve so MUCH better than to be dismissed with someone who so much drama. Somewhere inside of us all we want to be needed, loved, adored, blah blah blah...It is a very hard road to be with someone who can't even make up his mind on what he really wants. Yes, it hurts. It sucks. But don't look back anymore & try to analyze what went wrong. Perhaps one day you'll look back & count your blessings that you weren't BM#3...
I wish you the best..
TU Ripley!! It made my day to
TU Ripley!! It made my day to hear someone say he is miserable and probably will be for a long time. I don't wish him any harm, but I don't want him out having the time of his life with another woman either.
Oh yea, maybe I'm a lil insecure becuase he was a BIG time flirt with other women. And the women just LOVE him.
Ok, so it's like day 4 of
Ok, so it's like day 4 of this breakup and I really do feel a shitload better!!! It has set in that I really dodged a bullet. The dude isn't right!! Instead of thinking back to all the great times we had, I am remembering some of the things he's done or told me that made the red flags go up. I am kinda pissed at myself for having on rose colored glaases with this one though....
after around 2 months of dating him, I went to Mexico with my family. And he went to a party for his friends 35th birthday. Apparently he got pretty shitfaced and I didn't have a problem with him telling me that. But a week after this party, he began to confess. He told me that things are better at work now, apparently things were a lil odd because he called his job and spoke to his friends/coworkers while in a drunken state (he is a respiratory therapist). He also confessed to "blacking out" and driving home drunk, running lights, etc. He also said he got kicked out of a bar and made a lot of phone calls (but none to me). What an idiot. He's never been drunk in front of me, but if this is how he acts when he does.....Ugggh.
You really did get a lucky
You really did get a lucky escape! His drinking sounds like escapism to me, denial maybe? He sounds very emotionally immature and if it's more than a year since he left BM then he really needs to get a grip! Until he grows a little he'll never be happy, until he develops some self respect and can stand up to people then he'll never amount to anything other than their puppet. You deserve better!
I have seen 'red flags' with DH too, they were not unsurmountable though. There are two baby mommas here, one of whom I get along with very well and the other is crazy, psychotic in fact. DH never married BM#2 and his marraige to BM one was a non entity, they both got pregnant to 'catch' him. It really does not matter how much baggage each of us brings into a relationship, I have some too, it matters more how we handle it. I took on board his three kids and him and it was hell on wheels for a while but we stopped quarreling (you should have heard some of the silly fights we had...I cringe) I disengaged from the major issues with the SKids and it became peaceful again. They really are his kids and as long as they respected me I was fine. I did have to create my own boundaries with them though, and stand up for myself with crazy BM and call her bluff on a couple of occasions. DO NOT mess with me lady, I do not PLAY! DH is on my side, he is impressed with how I hold my own...I am not stubborn, I am RESOLUTE!