I want to sell them to gypsies. Where have all the gypsies gone?
My problems are pretty minor compared to many of the other ones here.
I want SD9 to not wear her rollerblades in the house.
I want SD6 to stop talking in declarative sentences ("I'm hungry! It's too dark in here!") and coherently express herself in a civilized way ("May I have a string cheese, please? Can you turn on the light, please?").
I want them both to knock off the drama about who did or said what first, who's at fault, and why some first-world problem like one of them having more American Girls dolls than the other one in any way falls in the "it's not fair" category. Torture isn't fair. The death penalty isn't fair. Genocide isn't fair. I don't want to hear about fairness in the context of two spoiled upper-middle-class children.
I want their father to not double-book them and then expect me to put a smile on my face when I have my entire Saturday shot by pick-up-and-drop-off duties.
I want to be able to see the counter and the floor all day, every day.
I want to give all their pink plastic crap to the Goodwill.
I had what I thought was a pretty restrained conversation about my desire not to overbook the kids (and, hence, me) with their dad the other night. Then, last night, he said, "I want to talk. I feel like you've been complaining about the kids a lot. It makes me feel like you don't love them."
The fact is that I don't love them. I love their father. I think they're generally OK kids, and I want them to grow up happy and successful, and I'm willing to do a lot for them because I love their father and want to make his life easier. But I can't say I take any particular joy in the day-to-day grind of putting up with them. Apparently this is not an acceptable opinion for me to have, or, at any rate, to express.
So, for the sake of domestic tranquility, I'll be doing a little more of my venting here, since it's apparently not welcome at home.
Sigh. I miss my clean white living.
Feel free to join my pity party. It's open bar. Cheers!
I'll take a dirty martini -
I'll take a dirty martini - extra olives. I am right there with you girl. Not a lot of time for a log post this morning so I'll just say that I feel your pain and miss my own domestic tranquility. Cheers right back to you!
With regard to the scheduling
With regard to the scheduling thing, you HAVE to disengage. DH and I got married when SD was 8. He somehow thought having me around meant an instant chauffer while he did his own activities and SD got to do everything under the sun. Um, no. I was OK with taking her/picking her up once in a while, but when it got to be excessive I had to put my foot down. I told DH that SD could only be scheduled for two activities at a time. Eventually, SD was so nasty and negative to me I told DH I would no longer be taking her anywhere. So then he was responsible for ALL transportation. That man would drive SD an hour ONE WAY for her activities. It was crazy. But at least it wasn't on me anymore.
I'm so with you girlfriend!
I'm so with you girlfriend! Of course, we're expected to be the one to lean on when they're stressed or complaining or annoyed by not entitled to express any of our feelings because we're then considered heartless bitches. It's crap. Hell, I'm the bad guy when I merely report behavior as I've been asked to do ("SD10 didn't brush her teeth this am"). See my recent blog entry regarding having cake & eating it too.
Triple shot, neat and STAT!
Ahhh, thanks for the empathy!
Ahhh, thanks for the empathy! It's even better than alcohol.
Elizabeth, a question for you regarding the scheduling thing: do you think it's better to make a general statement about what you are/aren't willing to do, or to just make weekend plans and make sure they're on the record in advance? I sort of feel like saying, "I won't be the taxi" as a blanket statement is a little much, but I'm thinking if I block out a chunk of time each weekend for my stuff (work, errands, the gym, the stuff I did on weekends during my prior bachelor-girl existence) I won't look like I'm saying "no" just to make some kind of statement.
My situation may be different
My situation may be different than yours in that my DH is very black and white. You give an inch, he'll take a continent. And I was willing to bend to some extent when necessary, even when I had to tote our baby BD to make it work. BUT, SD was extremely nasty and hateful to me and NEVER appreciative. I'd pick her up and she would not speak to me and would ride home in silence, then immediately exit the vehicle and disappear into the house. One day she was hateful to me because I dropped her less than one block from her destination (rather than getting caught in the throng of cars waiting to drop kids off). Told me she hated me, slammed the van door, etc. That's when I told DH I was done, and he knew I was serious.
In my case, DH never thought MY plans were as important as SD's and would have expected me to rearrange/cancel my plans in order to be a "good wife." So it was not an option to schedule activities that would have just been overrun.
I maintain a family calendar
I maintain a family calendar on a dry erase board and block off days / times when I've got commitments. I color code the various activities by person. I travel for work so there are blocks of days I'm simply not in town. It's also helpful for the kids to see when they're supposed to be at their BMs. The calendar is on the side of the fridge for all to see. It's been very helpful and I've been known to say, "sorry, can't do it...it's on the calendar..."
I think your partner is
I think your partner is expecting much too much of you regarding parenting and your feelings about his children. I get the impression you don't have any bio children of your own? Partly because I went into the relationship with my DH when I was already in my 40's and had my own daughters in their late teens, I was a bit more bolshy about what I was prepared to put up with!
Basically he has always done all the taxi-ing, and all the parenting when we have them EOW. I would help out with driving in a jam, but not as a regular expected thing. His children were 5 and 7 when I met them, they are 16 and 14 now. I have never pretended that I loved them or that I was ever going to. I don't even like the younger one, she is a total pain, and my DH knows exactly how I feel about her. It is just not reasonable to expect step parents to automatically love SKIDS just because the bio parent thinks it should be so. I suggest you read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin - it is a very good analysis of dynamics within step families.
You're right about me not
You're right about me not having any kids of my own. I'm 37, never wanted kids, and even got fixed to make sure I never had any! I'd never even contemplated dating someone with kids--I considered them a dealbreaker--but then . . . eh, love happens. I knew what I was getting into, and I'm actually surprised by how much I really enjoy SD9. I feel like we're a lot alike, she's a bit misunderstood by her father and other folks in her life, and that she looks to me for guidance and understanding. She sulks and complains and withdraws sometimes, but I can always see where she's coming from. I don't enjoy SD6, and I fear it's more than just a phase. I find her manipulative and insincere and passive-aggressive, and I'm very much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type.
I dislike ferrying them around for a lot of reasons. It disrupts my schedule, for one. I'm not a terribly confident driver, for two. I'm a very safe, cautious driver, and I've always been nervous about having passengers at all--I don't like the distraction, I like being able to pull over and look at the map, and I hate apologizing for driving like an old lady, taking the back roads to avoid the freeways, etc. (I grew up in the country and live in the city now, and doubt I'll ever be totally comfortable with city driving. I tend to take the light rail whenever I can and to stick to routes I know. I know it's lame.) SD6 gets carsick and threatens to puke if you take so much as two tight curves in a row. Taking her anywhere is pure drama, and I hate it on so many levels. Just knowing I have to drive someplace with her fills my whole day with anxiety and dread.
I like the calendar idea someone suggested. At least that way if my taxi services ARE needed, I can make sure I know where I'm going, plan ahead, and not get so stressed out. I think this weekend bothered me the most because it was all sort of a last-minute ambush.
Trust me, the gypsies would
Trust me, the gypsies would bring the kids right back! We say this all the time in my house. Nobody, but nobody would put up with this mess we call our homelife. Sorry, I feel your pain.
I didn't truly "enjoy" being
I didn't truly "enjoy" being around my SD until she was about 10. So don't worry that your dislike for SD6 will never change....it might. Once my SD gained a little independence...it really changed. She's not as whiney (unless she's tired), she's not as demanding, much more easy going now.
Then again...I'm scared for puberty to hit. I've been warned.
"Sigh. I miss my clean white
"Sigh. I miss my clean white living."
Seriously. Not long after I read this in your post, I stepped on a piece of glass in my kitchen and cut my foot. Yep, you guessed it skid dropped a glass and didn't clean it all up. Thinking back to this line of your post actually made me laugh at the irony!
1. I want to give all their
1. I want to give all their pink plastic crap to the Goodwill. <----this is wonderful.
2. I think we are the same. Only...I am 27. Never wanted kids. Never expected love would happen and I would be stuck with two fsd's, birdface, or a crazy FMIL.
3. Opposite on SD's... FSD's are 7 and 9. 9 year old...can't stand. 7 year old...we are close and she like follows my lead...
4. Why do these men think that just because we love them we looovveeee that they couldn't wrap it up? Seriously? They seem to think that because we are women...our hearts and heads are full of rainbows...and unicorns...and glitter and we want their spawns in our faces continuously...like we have NOOOOOO life or any obligations of our own. Interesting how this works.