Ex-Wife's Boyfriend making decisions
Exact letter from the boyfriend to me:
"Phew, I tried to email you on Gmail, but it appears that email is shut down. Thank God for the interwebz, I was able to find your email there, and this is kind of important!
I write this message only out of concern for the kids, nothing more than that. I recognize the differences in how you might handle certain things with them than how Karen and I go about things, but I’d like to share with you some of my observances and concerns. I am not implying that anything you might do is more or less than what we do, but in an effort to try and be on the same page for the sake of the kids and consistency in their development as they grow, I am sharing a few things. Honestly, I don’t expect a response from you, but would appreciate any feedback you’d like to share.
Bed time in our house seems to differ from yours, and that’s fine. I don’t expect times to be spot on; however I do believe consistencies need to be established in bed time activities. Now, Zach has a TV in his room, and the girls have one their room. Karen and I allow the TV to be on until approximately 9pm or so, depending on the night and their behavior prior to bedtime. Sometimes they are fast asleep by 9p, and other times they aren’t, but the TV comes off. Lately, Zach has been the most difficult in getting to bed as he believes he is allowed to watch TV until he passes out, regardless of the time. Last night specifically, I had a conversation with him about this and he advised me of the following: “At Daddy’s house, I lay with Daddy and while he sleeps all night, I can watch what I want until I fall asleep. I don’t have to sleep in my own bed.” Again, I am not telling you what to do or what not to do, but if that truly is the case, then it makes it difficult to establish a proper bed time for him. I reminded him of differences in rules in different places, but that when he is with Karen and I, the TV comes off at the same time each night, and that whether he is up or sleeping, that won’t change. He proceeded to tell me that as a result of this, he didn’t like it here because “Daddy” allows the TV to be on all night. Now, I understand he is five, and sometimes the truth can be stretched and his imagination can run wild. But, I also understand that a child is probably the most truthful human being to exist. They are blatant and relentless when it comes to dishing out the facts in what they experience.
The girls, on the other hand, understand their bed time and when the TV comes off, are usually ok with it. They have their issues with the TV coming off, but that’s just because they’re in the middle of some important episode of iCarly or some new adventure of that nasally, underwater sponge. The girls really have no complaints about the TV other than their need, at times, to remind Karen and me that we are mean and unkind, because at Daddy’s house, they can watch TV until when they want. Again, a child’s imagination and stretched truth does get factored into what I think about it all, but again, let’s face it, they’re more honest than you, Karen, or I can be.
With all that said, this is in no way to pass judgment nor, say what I believe you are doing is wrong. And, possibly, this is a way to debunk what they say and get it straight from their father. There is more inside me that is saying, “Well, they’re just kids and they’ll say what they want to get what they want”, and if that’s the case, then you might as well disregard my concerns as you pretty much disregard me as being a part of their lives anyway. However, if any of it is true, I offer a chance for us to try and get some sort of consistency so the kids know what’s expected of them and it makes it just a tad bit easier for everyone. Just because there is a smile on their face all the time doesn’t mean it’s always good for them."
OK, you don't know the whole history between him and I. (Infidelity, vicious commented..etc..)
Anyway, their mother and I JUST discussed this issue this morning... I guess what I am asking is is he overstepping his bounds for 1. by contacting me about this (it should be their mother discussing with me??) 2. talking and disciplining my children at their home (that should still be up to her??) They have been together almost 2 years and they have lived in the same home for 1yr 3months.
Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!! 
Wow, boy's got balls the size
Wow, boy's got balls the size of Texas.
I would simply respond, "I don't recall sticking my dick in you when my sperm made these kids, so kindly stick your nose BACK where it belongs."
Then block his email address.
Some people. So entitled.
While I agree with his
While I agree with his premise about consistency in the households, I do not agree that the Steps should talk to each other about someone elses kids. Really not his place. He does however seem to have some valid points. Sorta conflicted on this one, because he seems to really want what is best for the kids.
OK, I'm totally confused on
OK, I'm totally confused on who is who on the post-
Your' boyfriend sent you that, who is I, Karen, Daddy...who are you the OP (SM, BM, etc)....I can't figure out heads or tails to even comment whose out of line lol. Can you clarify?
I was confused initially as
I was confused initially as well. This is how I see it..
OP = Bio-dad
Karen = Bio-mom
"Daddy" = Kids talking to "step-dad" about bio-dad
Sender of letter = BM's boyfriend
Recipient of letter = Bio-dad (OP)
Somebody correct me if I'm wrong please!
That's what i got from it to.
That's what i got from it to.
You need to back him up and
You need to back him up and work together for the sake of your kids.
Gosh you could look at this
Gosh you could look at this either way, yes its a damn cheek, but it seems like he is trying to help, could he have other intentions? I do believe that set bed times are best for kids, they need routine, he may be one of those people who just can't stand back and watch, he wants to be involved, why not give him the benefit of the doubt but never trust him?
To Adamsd1783: Oh my, it's
To Adamsd1783: Oh my, it's like a blast from the past. The stepfather of my two SD's used to write letters like that to my husband and I. Lecturing us about this and that. Yes, the new boyfriend IS overstepping his boundaries. The letter should have come from the bio-mom herself.
And yes, I agree, the boyfriend shouldn't heavily discipline the kids, that should be left to their bio-mom. BUT as a parent of step-children myself, you need to realize that the step-parent DOES have to be able to discipline the kids b/c the real parent is not always at home at the time of the problem, and when you correct a child it has to be immediately done or they don't get it.
IF your kid is sleeping in your bed with the tv on, don't take offense to someone telling you to stop those actions. Everyone is right -- kids need to sleep in their own bed with NO tv on. So just fix the problem now while you can & move on. But you were right to be disturbed by getting that letter/email. You would crack up laughing if you could read some of our letters -- they are so similar! So just tell the bio-mom that you'd rather communication come directly from her.
Of course, we tried telling the bio-mom that same thing, and her husband then wrote us yet another scathing letter saying "Yes, I'm sure you'd like it if I'd stop writing because you know you can control HER, but you can't control me!" So my advice may or may not work. Give it a try though -- ask your ex to be the main communicator with you.
>Of course, we tried telling
>Of course, we tried telling the bio-mom that same thing, and her husband then wrote us yet another scathing letter saying "Yes, I'm sure you'd like it if I'd stop writing because you know you can control HER, but you can't control me!" S
Well.... If "we" tried telling Mom anything, why should "they" not be able to do the same?
I think in the letter he was
I think in the letter he was being nice and not trying to overstep boundaries although it did seem petty. Perhaps, he is just trying to open a line of communication. I am a SM and the BM is always telling me to butt out but I refuse to let the kids walk all over me. My Hubby and I have full custody and BM only sees the kids periodically (long story). The kids live in my house (house in my name) and it would be really nice if there could be consistency in rules but she lacks communication skills and insists on letting the kids do whatever they want when they are in her care. Think of the greater good even if that means biting your tongue at times, it will benefit the children. In your case, I would have politely thanked him for his concern and say you will look into the matter. At least he is concerned, even if frivolous.
I too am a BM and SM with
I too am a BM and SM with full custody of both sets of kids. And I have to say, although I can understand it ruffling your feathers a bit, I can see where the BF is coming from. My SSs live in MY home primarily. BM gets the skids row (when she actually chooses to take them) and every other week during summer vacation. BM has NO boundaries, rules, NOTHING. SS12 and SS14 are allowed to do as they please, eat as they please, come and go as they please. SS14 recently was up until 3:00 am texting on his phone with a friend on a SCHOOL night, because hey at mom's he can do what he wants. At OUR home, bedtime is 9:00 on school nights. And phones get put away at 9:00 and if it is found out you are using them afterwards (which he was in OUR home as well, hiding it but I found out from looking at cell bill) then the phone is left on the kitchen counter at night to charge, and you collect it in the morning. SS14 is allowed to have gf in his room...unsupervised...nothing in his room at BM's...not even a TV...but they want privacy...EXCUSE ME!!!??? 14 yr olds do not need privacy!!! But again, BM allows it...so skids will want to be there more and she can use her leniency as a way to say how mean and bad and terrible BH and I are. My DH and BM can NOT speak to each other without her screaming, swearing and pushing buttons on DH which after a point results in him yelling back. Also, because I often am home with skids and biokids alone, especially at night or in the late morning/early afternoon (DH works night shift and then sleeps for a couple hours when he gets home) I am responsible for some of the discipline regarding skids. I have tried to work with BM on numerous occasions. I have always only had the best intentions at heart for skids. Tried to have a friendship with BM at least cordial friendship (she was always friendly with me until she realized I had started dating her ex husband) only for her to verbally attack me (most times in public), show up on MY lawn cussing and screaming to where I have walked out, said to her, you will leave and discuss this when you are calmed down if you can't do so right now or I will call the police and have you removed from my property. I have neighbors with young children and they don't need to hear your ranting and cussing.
I have tried to email, text, phone call. To get on the same page. To verify details of lies SS14 has told. To verify pick up and drop offs. To no avail.
My exH also has a woman in his life. Granted she doesn't spend as much time with my Bkids as I do with skids, but she is an adult in their life and lives with exH and will at time be the one responsible for Bkids well being and safety. I have always been gracious, kind and calm in any interactions with her. I have always listened to any concerns she may have, and have stated any I have to her as well.
Point here...sounds like BF really has the best interest of the kids at heart and is only trying to make things easier on everyone by communicating in an appropriate manner. Makes things easier on kids, and parents. Like it or not, you did get divorced, and someone else is a part of the kids' lives. You need to respect that. Especially when they are sharing their home on a majority basis with the kids. I always say, "there are many people who have OPs in their lives that want NOTHING to do with the kids or are down right mean to them...I'd much rather have someone who earnestly is looking out for the wellbeing of my children that someone who could give a shit less what they do" Funny, considering I was one of those SMs and now I feel like I could care less about one of my skids. Hmmm...guess there's something for me to ponder there too.
Good luck! I know it isn't easy!!
I would have written the same
I would have written the same letter in his (SD's) place. My SO and the BM communicate terribly and he can never pass on his point of view because he thinks everyone can read his mind. His replies to BM are always short and don't actually convey information, so I try to translate for him. Of course, this only works some of the time, but it's really only to clarify issues that haven't been resolved from the birth parents talking to each other. I think this guy really does care about the kids and doesn't want to over-step boundaries, but is frustrated with a perceived lack of communication between the bio-parents (forgive me if i am WAY off). give him a shot, what's the worst that can happen?
It depends on what you want
It depends on what you want out of the relationship. If you eventually want to be friends/friendly with them both for the sake of the kids, then you should respond with openness. If not, then you should let him know that you prefer your children's "mother and father" make the major decisions, but that you appreciate his concern. Then you can set your email to forward all emails from him to a file labeled whatever you want, instead of reading anything else. Regardless, you should be respectful no matter what - never write or communicate anything that if repeated, would make you regret those very words.
In any case, it would help, both him, you, and especially the kids, if you let him know that you will communicate to the kids the importance of respecting him and their rules while they are under his roof. You would not want your children to be outright disrespectful to any adult - a teacher, neighbor, babysitter, etc.
In the end, while under your roof, your rules are your rules. However, if you want what is in the best interest of the kids, you will put your own appropriate boundaries around tv and get or continue to have your children comfortable in sleeping in their own bed.
Good luck.